Urban Meyer just wins games!

 

Since I usually spend most of my posting efforts disagreeing with Mike Florio, I may as well mention some of the times where I do actually agree with him.

And the 'mistreatment' of Tim Tebow is one of those occasions. Take it away, Florio:

As Florida coach Urban Meyer takes his much-hyped leave of absence, we hope that Meyer spends some of his down time reflecting on his biggest failure.

Tim Tebow.

After the Gators won two national championships in three seasons with Tebow at quarterback, Meyer owed a huge debt to Tebow.  And Meyer should have spent all of 2009 attempting to repay it.

He didn't.

So Tebow left Gainseville with a release slower than Byron Leftwich in a vat of molasses, and overall football mechanics far uglier than Vince Young's Uncle Rico sidearm release.

It's therefore no surprise that Tebow is in the process of changing his throwing motion, according to Adam Schefter of ESPN.  What's surprising is that few are calling out Meyer for not doing anything and everything he could in 2009 to help make Tebow into a more marketable NFL quarterback.

Since Tebow isn't injured, he's using the belated effort to become a pro-style quarterback as an excuse not to throw at the Scouting Combine.  The obvious goal for Tebow is to avoid doing more damage to his draft stock -- the obvious response in light of his Senior Bowl-week performance is whether it's possible for any further damage to be done.

Though Tebow seems to be trying hard not to point a finger at Meyer for the quarterback's current predicament, this quote tells us everything we need to know:  "I've never been asked to shorten or quicken my release and not have a loop in it."

As the usually-sunny Joe Theismann said three weeks ago, the situation shows that Meyer and his staff have "no clue" as to the process for preparing a quarterback for the NFL.  And while some of the Florida fans in the crowd might respond by saying that Urban Meyer's only duty is to prepare players to play college football, look for Nick Saban and every other coach in the SEC to take a DVD of Tebow's throwing motion into the homes of every high-end quarterback recruit for as long as Meyer remains the Florida coach.  They'll all be making the case to the kid and his family that, if he hopes to play in the NFL, he'd better not go to Gainseville.

If you don't think that'll eventually impact the performance of Meyer's team, then you simply don't understand how college football actually works.

Meanwhile, Tebow will be left to his own devices to get an education into how pro football actually works.  During his four years with Meyer, Tebow apparently learned absolutely nothing.

The bold in the third-to-last paragraph is for emphasis. Urban Meyer could have kept his same system. He could have still taught Tebow how to take a snap and throw like someone who has played football before and all that jazz, but he didn't. He just didn't bother. In fact, I've read that his mechanics actually regressed at Florida (can't seem to find that link at this point). Urban Meyer rode the Tebow horse as far as he could while standing by idly and watching Timmy forget how to actually throw a ball. Tebow's always been scattershot with his passes...but aside from that annihilation of a stout (that's dripping with sarcasm) Cincinnati defense, he's been even more so this season.

As for the dumbass commenters on PFT...they come out of the woodwork to bash everything on that site with their own personal brand of stupid. "Urban Meyer's job is to win games"...yes. It is. And if he scares off future QB recruits, he's going to have a hell of a time doing that in a couple years. Assuming he's still coaching at that point. As to Florio's contentions that Nick Saban and Co. will send DVDs of Tebow's throwing motions to recruits and explain to the families that Gainesville is not the place to send a young QB with NFL aspirations...well, they don't even have to. ESPN has done that for them in bright fucking neon. Even casual fans seem to know at this point that Urban Meyer's system is not the place for a future pro-QB to ply his trade, regardless of how true or untrue that sentiment actually is. Alex Smith can throw, but nobody really knows about him. But they sure know about Tebow.

Meyer did not have to sacrifice much to prepare Tebow for life after college. But he didn't. Sure, he gets on TV and says "Tim is a winner and a great football player and anyone who can't see that is blind" and all of that good stuff, but pro scouts don't give the slightest of damns about what Urban Meyer thinks. They are more concerned about Tebow's quixotic throwing motion than his "intangibles" and "winniness" and "fuckdominance" and everything else that he used to beat the Citadel. And it can be argued that Meyer has contributed more bad than good.

Don't just go sucking any dick during the Super Bowl

Greetings again, Floridians, from Governor Charlie Crist. As you are likely aware, Super Bowl XLIII will be coming to our great state shortly, bringing an influx of football fans from the rest of the country to the Tampa Bay area. Steeler fans, Cardinal fans and other assorted football people will be arriving shortly to spend the week before the big game. And, if you are like me, you have but one thing on your mind....tons of fresh dick.

The Cardinals come in hot, having cruised through their three playoff games to make it to the Super Bowl. They are a high-octane pass-happy offense led by Kurt Warner...sound familiar? Shades of the Greatest Show on Turf with this team. But Warner's wide receivers this year may be even better than the great ones he worked with in St. Louis, which is probably a very scary thought for Steelers fans. So, please understand the apprehension they may have if you end up sucking one of their dicks.

The Steelers also come in hot, having won their playoff games. Crazy how both teams in the Super Bowl always seem to be on winning streaks. The Steelers have done it old school with their defense while just getting enough offensive production to win. Led by Troy Polamalu and Defensive MVP James Harrison, the Steelers defense is sure to smother the Cardinals passing game to some degree, especially considering that the Cardinals and their fans are just happy to be here. Remember that when looking for dick...the happy Cardinal fans may indeed be your best option.

But please, don't just go sucking any dick. You have no idea where these dicks have been or where they will be going or even what these fresh new dicks may introduce to the area. Don't just go around sucking dicks as you have become accostomed to...please use some discretion when selecting dicks. I know I will, Florida, and I urge you to do the same. And don't get too infatuated with these new dicks, Floridians. After the Super Bowl ends and the new people leave, we'll still be here and all we'll have is each other. Let's not blow the great things we have going on a bunch of exotic new dicks.

Thank you and have a great week.

Courtesy rage

By the way, FDot, thanks for the advanced heads up to the "upcoming" traffic.

We've all heard of road rage, and road rage sucks. Violence usually ends up bad when people aren't controlling 2-ton machines going 50 mph, but when you add in the cars you can get some pretty dangerous results. Plus, you look like a douchebag when you tailgate someone, beep your horn repeatedly, and yell through your windshield. I hate road rage.

However, I realized yesterday that I am prone to courtesy rage. You know, you are sitting on the highway, someone is trying to merge and you are like...ok, I'll let this guy merge. And you wave, and say "go ahead", and the dude just sits there with his blinker on. So you keep waving, and he doesn't go over, and 30 seconds later you find yourself screaming at this fucking idiot to fucking merge so HE CAN GET OFF OF THE MOTHERFUCKING EXIT HURRY THE FUCK UP!!!!!!

I do this on regular streets when people are trying to make lefts or get out of parking lots as well. Quite often. WOULD YOU FUCKERS GO!?!?!?! God damn it I'm trying to be nice here, retards. So stop drinking your juice and freaking go while I'm giving you the chance. Or else I'm really going to get pissed.

Record lows!!

That's right, it's going down to 55 tonight...and 52 tomorrow night! Just to give you an idea of how low that is, the record low for tomorrow is 58, set all the way back in Nobody cares. What a great year that was.

I am not Cuban. I'm a northerner, yo, straight out the banks of the dirty Monongahela. This heat really molests my soul. So you can't fault me if I have a huge erection in anticipation of this chill. That's really all that I have on this front...get it? Since it's a cold front? Lol?

I'm going to take my pants off.

You lay on the road like a broad. And then you get killed by an Acura.

That there, folks, is the most fucked up image in the world. A map of Florida. Good old Florida. The gayest hick state in the country. The land that time just ignored. And a terrible place to lay on the road like a broad.

Seriously...what the hell? And all in the Tampa area, which is like taking Miami and Jacksonville and crossing them together in the most fucked up way imaginable. God created Tampa on the 26th day after waking up with a vicious hangover and having to be at work in 10 minutes. And all within a month of each other, as well. Which means that it's probably not over yet. Bad things tend to come in threes...what do retarded things come in? Should I feel bad that I am making fun of some dead guys? Of course, they did decide to lay in the middle of the interstate like broads, so I guess my behavior can be excused.

Regardless, don't lay in the middle of the road. Even if you don't do it like a broad.

I did not come before you today to suck your dick, friend

While I am aware that I usually only come around these parts with the interests of sucking your dick in mind, today I come with an important message that I must convey. You may ask, "governor Crist, can't you suck my dick anyway?", to which I reply, I sure can and I intend to do so immediately after our chat, my friend. However, I first must make you aware of the grave dangers we may face if we do not prepare for this big, fat, thick hurricane coming our way in the warm, salty waters of the Atlantic Ocean.

Hurricane Ike is no joke right now as it spins counter-clockwise with sustained winds of up to 150 mph, making it a category 4 hurricane. Friend, please put your dick away until I finish informing you of the state of emergency I have just declared. I fully intend to suck your dick like it's never been sucked after I finish my message. I swear, I will swallow up your seed with a force that will make Ike look like an afternoon drizzle. But first, please heed my warnings.

I strongly suggest stocking up on a few weeks worth of supplies, as power could be out for a month or more after a direct hit. Please keep your gas tanks full, as any station that actually has gas will be inundated by those who did not prepare for this storm. Please secure all faulty doors and implement barriers on all exposed windows. Projectiles will likely be hurdled through the air by the strong winds of this storm, flying unpredictably from all angles like a blindfolded bukkake session, so please, stay away from these windows when the storm hits.

And I promise to all Florida citizens that in the aftermath of this storm, I will do everything in my power to bring back a state of normalcy to our fine state. I will leave no individual behind, no cry for help ignored, and no dick unsucked. We are a strong, resilient group, my friends. And we will not allow a hurricane to disrupt us as we pursue any and every unsucked dick that we can get our mouths on. So please, my friend, prepare for the worst, just in case. It's much better to be safe than to be sorry.

Ok, I guess I'll suck your dick now.

Motherfucking cops with motherfucking rims on their motherfucking cars!

South Florida is home to the undercover speeding cop. These douchebags drive like, Chrysler 300s, Dodge Magnums, Ford Five Hundreds, just a bunch of cars that aren't cop cars and therefore aren't on my radar when I'm pushing my whip to the limit. And that's not fair, and I hate it, and I want to put my balls deeply into their dreams so all they think about when they sleep at night is my balls, and they wake up thinking they have a mouth full of pubes, and then they go to get in their undercover Chevy Impalas trying desperately to shake the intense thoughts of pubes that they have dancing pubicly in their heads. But, enough about pubes, and more about...

...FUCKING UNDERCOVER COPS WITH RIMS. That. Is. Not. F Wording. Fair. I saw an undercover cop, black car, black window tints, and CHROME RIMS pulling a dude over yesterday. What the fuck is next? I don't care if they were only 16" rims...that's cheating, God damn it. This would be like a Chris Hansen actually dressing up like a 14 year old girl to lure dudes in on Dateline, or like Fred Phelps dressing up like a sailor before picketing funerals and calling the families fag-lovers. Probably Sailor Moon, because if there is anyone trying to ferociously repress their homosexuality, it's Freddy Phelps.

But this isn't about him. This is about policemans crossing the motherfucking line with their motherfucking rims on their motherfucking undercover ticketcars on I-95. I hate all of you. TAKE THE RIMS OFF. I'm not going to be able to tell if I'm being pursued by an officer of the law or DJ Khaled on his way to a video shoot, and this really does not make me happy.

Hurricanes are laying in the Atlantic Basin like a broad

Am I asking for too much, here? I move down to the Ft. Lauderdale-Miami area in winter of 2007, you know, to get away from all of the English speaking people, and up to now, I can't get one God damn hurricane to strike the Florida coast. Just one! I would be happy with a Category 0.5 or something. I just want to see what these damn things are like, and yet, the tropical waves from the Cape Verde islands in Africa are laying all over the Atlantic Basin like broads.

You had like, 12 hurricanes strike Florida in 2005, Atlantic Basin! What the f is up with that? You think these people can withstand hurricane after major hurricane in one single season without dying or having their homes destroyed? No! Spread it out, man! None in 2006, none in 2007, no sign of anything to date in '08...I'm starting to think that Jerry Falwell might have indeed prayed away all of the storms before he died. That water might be over 90 degrees out there, but there just isn't enough sin left for the hurricanes to feed off of. Except, of course, in Mexico and Central America, an area that was hit with two Category 5 storms last year. However, they aren't Amurricans, and therefore God doesn't give a fuck about them. A little known fact...if Jesus were to come back, he'd likely live in Omaha, Nebraska. And he'd be voting for McCain.

And so, I fear another summer will go by without me getting to experience the rush of a whatever-the-hell hurricanes are like or getting to enjoy the resultant 4 days sitting in oppressive heat without electricity. This is not what I signed up for, Governor Crist, and if you need to go out there and suck some dick to make the hurricanes start...well, then you had better go and get your kneepads.

I could be the first dick-sucking president!

Greetings to my Florida constituency from your honorable governor, Charlie Crist. I come before you today to talk about offshore oil-drilling and to make several gay jokes in relation to oil-drilling, because if there is one thing I like to pound home harder than my political positions, it's hot male ass. I pound ass so violently that I've had a few reconstructive ass-surgery techniques named after me. But that's not the reason that I am appearing before you today in all of my exotic-tanned glory.

As you likely already know, gas has gotten expensive as fuck. And while we here in Florida depend heavily on our tourism industry, things have gotten to the point where our hardworking citizens are struggling to afford the gas that powers their Ford F-150 American Dreammobiles. And to this, I say open up the offshore drilling, before the Cubans, the Chinese, and the other slanty-eyed or dark people from foreign non-American nations get here and gobble it up first, like the last dick at the glory hole, sucking every last drop of delicious semen from the huge dick that represents our American way. And let me tell you, if there's any area that I have experience in, it's doing what's right for Florida, and sucking every single dick that I come across.

I am a man of ambitions, just as many of you are, have been, or will be. I want nothing more than to represent my fellow Floridians at the highest level of the land, the Oval Office of the White House, standing tall for what's right and for what I and my people believe in. And along the way, I must admit, I'm likely to suck a fucking lifetime's worth of dick. I will focus the same energy that I focus on sucking every ounce of energy out of a dick on getting things done for the American people the right way. What is the right way, you ask? Why don't you ask me that question again while I'm sucking the life out of your dick. I'm like a wind-tunnel with grey hair, but the hair is not what I'm talking about when I talk about "just for men".

So please, Floridians, join me in voicing the message to the current administration that we demand that off-shore drilling be implemented off of the Florida coast. We demand that the government do everything in their power to relieve from us the extreme burden of this terrible gas crisis. And we demand that they enact a resolution with the same swiftness with which I disrobe an unsuspecting young male and swallow his dick like a 5 year old on a Flintstone vitamin. And I will lead this charge, Florida, like an F-5 dick-sucking tornado leveling everything in its path.

Thank you for your time. And anyone who would like to meet me in my office to, uh, talk...uh, talk about politics, well, you know where to find me.

*winkface*

I'm going to fuck all of you homos in the ass!

Apparently, that is how you show someone how gay they are. You fuck them in the ass. As I'd seen pointed out, sort of illogical, no? I just can't see how putting your penis in another man's ass shows them how wrong they are for...well, presumably for putting their penises in the asses of other men. Or receiving it. Or listening to Joe Jackson songs. Whatever the gays do.

As of yet, the promise of hatefucking the asses of gay men nationwide has not entered the agenda of either McCain or Obama, although since Obama is a Democrat and thus obviously gay himself, I don't see him incorporating this measure. McCain possibly, although he is over the legal erection age and may not want to remind himself of this every time he wants to rape a gay man in the ass as a display or power and righteousness. We'll leave it up to the Iraqis, who are so fucked up that they make Floridians appear capable of rational thought. Of course, I wouldn't go around fucking any gay men in the ass in Miami, or you might catch the AIDS. Even Troy Williamson could catch it down there.

Similar to the premise of the old Onion article, why do all of these homosexuals keep making us rape them in the ass? Homos, we are trying to do you a favor and show you the errors of your ways. We aren't trying to engage in any kind of unbridled release of our deeply hidden gay fantasies. This hurts me just as much as it hurts you, trust me. So bend over and take it like a heathen.

It's tough carrying this moral torch, but somebody's gotta do it.

I’m standing knee-deep in puddles of my own ball sweat

Fucking Florida. It's as hot as my singed pubes after banging a homeless chick in front of a makeshift bonfire. Jeans do not belong here. Nor do long-sleeve collared shirts. God damn it, man. These shoes are not waterproof, let alone ball sweat proof. This ball sweat is seeping through my socks like the jizz on a piece of circle-jerk bread. And not any of that fancy herbs and cheese bread at Subway. Fuck that. We use straight up Publix rye here. And I don't even like rye bread.

So what am I going to do? Now that I have air conditioning in both my car and room, it won't be nearly as bad as last summer, right? No. No way. It can't be. Last summer I arrived at work everyday looking like I was covered in placenta. It's 98 degrees in the morning, like turning on your radio with a Nick Lachey CD in it. And then I would proceed to sweat like a Florida public school student in a Korean math contest. I must have smelled like desire. And then I would return home in the afternoon sun, walk into the garage my room with a vapid, trancelike glare on my face, and get all up on the fan like it was giving me a lapdance at Eden. Apparently I live my life in simile.

So now it starts anew. But I'll have the air. And with the air, I can get by. I can survive. I'm a regular Gloria Gaynor. You hear that, The Sun? Let's get it on, motherfucker. Water's getting warm. Hurricane Vern is forming. Don't feed it, The Sun. Don't fucking feed it.