More Tebow jazz

Yes, people are still at it. This is the ORLANDO SENTINEL, a legit newspaper, showing its liberal bias:

Reports surfaced over the weekend that Tim Tebow would work outt for the Seattle Seahawks and Buffalo Bills, both teams without a long-term solution at quarterback.
But the Pittsburgh Steelers might be a great fit for Tim Tebow, which Bleacher Report has pointed out.
Consider the environment Tebow would enter if the Steelers used their 18th selection in April’s NFL draft on Tebow:

*For all of Ben Roethlisberger’s on-field success, a second sexual assault allegation in as many years unveils a troubling pattern in Roethlisberger’s life, innocent or not. Guy’s just not being smart about his career and the positions in which he places himself. Why not draft an image-conscious quarterback such as Tim Tebow who, if anything else, could provide guidance to the two-time Super Bowl winner. It also shows the organization has not taken the Roethlisberger’s situation lightly.
*The Steelers are a hard-nosed team that knows how to win. Suits Tebow’s  identity perfectly. He belongs in a winning culture.
*Tebow is similar to Roethlisberger in many ways. Roethlisberger has the much better arm, but they both aren’t considered textbook quarterbacks.  They just get the job done. The two could be good for each other.
What do you think? Good fit?

What do I think? Good fit? Great fit? Similar players? I can't say NO loudly enough.

- Tebow and Ben are NOT similar in many ways. They are both big guys. That's it. Tebow's a much better runner. But Ben can actually throw a ball. They aren't considered textbook QBs? Maybe not. But in Roethlisberger's case, it's because he can shake a lot of sack attempts at the expense of holding onto the ball too long and making slower reads. In Tebow's case, he is not textbook because HE CANNOT THROW THE BALL!

- Tebow is not going in the first round. The Steelers would be blowing their first round pick by selecting Tebow here. They aren't going to do that, regardless of how many young boys Tebow circumcises.

- Tebow "belongs" in a winning culture? Fuck, anybody who goes to Florida is willingly joining a juggernaut. They aren't stumbling upon a decent football program that turns them into winners.

- Tebow is not going to bring guidance to Roethlisberger. That's one of the dumbest things I've ever read. Ben is going to have his life changed only by a 22-year old kid on an apparent mission trip to Pittsburgh? Fuck and no. Tebow is not "image-conscious". That suggests that he is like a marketing firm that constructs his image in a way that makes him look better than he is. He's just a guy who really loves Jesus and actually leads a morally pious life (for all that we know, at least). Ben is not that guy. Tebow is not going to make him that guy. This would be like thinking your DBs would get faster if they were coached by Deion Sanders. I'd leave that in the hands of the strength and conditioning coaches.

- Tebow sucks at throwing footballs.

- The Steelers need a QB that can throw footballs.


Look, the Steelers already have Tebow. His name is Dennis Dixon. Dixon is fast. He can run. He came from a college team that won. He is light-years ahead of Tebow at ball throwing. He does not rape. He is better than Tebow. The Steelers do not need Tebow.

Fuck.

Let's not get carried away

A guy named Nick Signorelli wrote an article at Bleacher Report suggesting that the Steelers pull the plug on the Bensperiment (which gives an anecdotal answer of "two" to the age-old "how many rapes does it take?" question in the NFL) and, through a series of moves, eventually end up with devil-worshipper Tim Tebow as their QB. With the 18th pick of the draft. Tebow. Fucking. Tebow. And since I'm lazy, I stole his image as well.

Now, Bleacher Report is just a collection of random fans who write articles about their teams. It's nothing more. So I don't expect much from them. But, as this is official rapeweek here at YLOTILAB, I'm going to continue on with the theme. And drafting Tebow is just asinine. Because the crux of his argument is:



And make no mistake about it, with Tim Tebow, we will NEVER be hearing of him out drinking and partying, and things along those lines. Tebow is a proud Christian, and has even abstained from sex until this point in his life, because he believes in waiting for his wife.


Holy mother of Tebow. Pam, I guess. Whatever. Point is, that would be the most egregious example of overcompensation in recorded human history. Ben got drunk and raped again. Tebow doesn't even touch beer! He never parties! God. He also sucks at QB, and the main goal of a football team when searching for a QB is to get a guy who is good at QB-ing. So, let's compare Tebow with other options. First, let's list all NFL QBs who haven't been accused of multiple rapings:


- ALL OF THEM


Now, let's look at incoming college QBs who haven't raped people:


- FUCKING ALL OF THEM


So why Tebow? Is rape becoming a fad amongst QBs these days? Ben isn't an outlier? The Steelers have to go after the least rapey players they can find now?

Another suggestion involves this:


The next thing they need to do is to make a call to the Seattle Seahawks. With the aging Matt Hasselbeck, Pete Carroll could trade his first two first round picks for Big Ben and immediately upgrade his team.
If the Seahawks are not interested then make a call to the Washington Redskins, who will become favorites to win the NFC East with Big Ben under center.

Uh...why don't they just keep him then? If he's such a toxic asset that he must be moved, who in the fuck is going to give up two first rounders for him? Has Ben raped-out his welcome in Pittsburgh? Maybe he has. But are the fans of the team that trades for him blind? Are they just going to dismiss it? Sure worked well with Michael Vick.



The Steelers will then announce that Charlie Batch has been resigned to a three year contract extension, and that the Steelers are interested in drafting Colt McCoy in the second round with the other pick that they got from the Skins or Hawks.

Charlie Batch is done. Look, if Ben is in fact not an option, my Plan A is to roll with Dixon. He was an absolute steal in the 4th round in 2008 and he impressed me with his play last year in his first ever start in Baltimore. That's a hell of a draw. And Dixon almost pulled that game out. I love what he can do back there.We don't need the shell of Charlie Batch or the moxie of Colt McCoy. Or the Jesus-powers of Tebow. We need a fucking quarterback.




Tebow would be able to come in, as did Roethlisberger did in his rookie season, and be along for the ride. Then he can grow into the player, or one comparable to the one, that Roethlisberger is.

Ben Roethlisberger is, without too much hyperbole, probably one of the better QBs of all-motherfucking-time. The stats and the results don't lie. He's put up great numbers with a piss-poor OL and he's still only 27. Or maybe 28. Still. Just approaching what should be his prime. Thinking Tebow, who many are projecting to become an epic flameout, will even be HALF the NFL QB that Ben Roethlisberger is is just...I think it's one of the dumbest football plans I've ever heard.

I don't care about how ethical Tebow is. This suggestion is crystal methical. If Ben gets convicted, he's going to jail and no one's trading for him. If not, he's going to play and you might as well keep him regardless of how much he rapes. He's that good at that important of a position.

Tebow at 18. God. If you want Tebow so badly, fatten Dixon up so that he slows down and then drug him and completely skullfuck his passing mechanics. Then you can trade that 18th pick for David Carr.

Urban Meyer just wins games!

 

Since I usually spend most of my posting efforts disagreeing with Mike Florio, I may as well mention some of the times where I do actually agree with him.

And the 'mistreatment' of Tim Tebow is one of those occasions. Take it away, Florio:

As Florida coach Urban Meyer takes his much-hyped leave of absence, we hope that Meyer spends some of his down time reflecting on his biggest failure.

Tim Tebow.

After the Gators won two national championships in three seasons with Tebow at quarterback, Meyer owed a huge debt to Tebow.  And Meyer should have spent all of 2009 attempting to repay it.

He didn't.

So Tebow left Gainseville with a release slower than Byron Leftwich in a vat of molasses, and overall football mechanics far uglier than Vince Young's Uncle Rico sidearm release.

It's therefore no surprise that Tebow is in the process of changing his throwing motion, according to Adam Schefter of ESPN.  What's surprising is that few are calling out Meyer for not doing anything and everything he could in 2009 to help make Tebow into a more marketable NFL quarterback.

Since Tebow isn't injured, he's using the belated effort to become a pro-style quarterback as an excuse not to throw at the Scouting Combine.  The obvious goal for Tebow is to avoid doing more damage to his draft stock -- the obvious response in light of his Senior Bowl-week performance is whether it's possible for any further damage to be done.

Though Tebow seems to be trying hard not to point a finger at Meyer for the quarterback's current predicament, this quote tells us everything we need to know:  "I've never been asked to shorten or quicken my release and not have a loop in it."

As the usually-sunny Joe Theismann said three weeks ago, the situation shows that Meyer and his staff have "no clue" as to the process for preparing a quarterback for the NFL.  And while some of the Florida fans in the crowd might respond by saying that Urban Meyer's only duty is to prepare players to play college football, look for Nick Saban and every other coach in the SEC to take a DVD of Tebow's throwing motion into the homes of every high-end quarterback recruit for as long as Meyer remains the Florida coach.  They'll all be making the case to the kid and his family that, if he hopes to play in the NFL, he'd better not go to Gainseville.

If you don't think that'll eventually impact the performance of Meyer's team, then you simply don't understand how college football actually works.

Meanwhile, Tebow will be left to his own devices to get an education into how pro football actually works.  During his four years with Meyer, Tebow apparently learned absolutely nothing.

The bold in the third-to-last paragraph is for emphasis. Urban Meyer could have kept his same system. He could have still taught Tebow how to take a snap and throw like someone who has played football before and all that jazz, but he didn't. He just didn't bother. In fact, I've read that his mechanics actually regressed at Florida (can't seem to find that link at this point). Urban Meyer rode the Tebow horse as far as he could while standing by idly and watching Timmy forget how to actually throw a ball. Tebow's always been scattershot with his passes...but aside from that annihilation of a stout (that's dripping with sarcasm) Cincinnati defense, he's been even more so this season.

As for the dumbass commenters on PFT...they come out of the woodwork to bash everything on that site with their own personal brand of stupid. "Urban Meyer's job is to win games"...yes. It is. And if he scares off future QB recruits, he's going to have a hell of a time doing that in a couple years. Assuming he's still coaching at that point. As to Florio's contentions that Nick Saban and Co. will send DVDs of Tebow's throwing motions to recruits and explain to the families that Gainesville is not the place to send a young QB with NFL aspirations...well, they don't even have to. ESPN has done that for them in bright fucking neon. Even casual fans seem to know at this point that Urban Meyer's system is not the place for a future pro-QB to ply his trade, regardless of how true or untrue that sentiment actually is. Alex Smith can throw, but nobody really knows about him. But they sure know about Tebow.

Meyer did not have to sacrifice much to prepare Tebow for life after college. But he didn't. Sure, he gets on TV and says "Tim is a winner and a great football player and anyone who can't see that is blind" and all of that good stuff, but pro scouts don't give the slightest of damns about what Urban Meyer thinks. They are more concerned about Tebow's quixotic throwing motion than his "intangibles" and "winniness" and "fuckdominance" and everything else that he used to beat the Citadel. And it can be argued that Meyer has contributed more bad than good.

That's it? Really?

 

Yep. That was it. Pictured are Pam Tebow and her fetus Tim, co-winners of the 2007 Heisman trophy.  This was the ad that drew all of the support from the pro-lifers and the ire of the people who just want to abort every fetus? THIS!?!?! Fuck that. This commercial should have been spicy. It should have offended people. Then Focus on the Fam would be in the news for months afterwards. People would know them. As it stands, everyone's going to forget about them within a day. F that. Tim Tebow should have actually pulled his full-grown head out of his mother's vagina on live Super Bowl tv, looked at the camera, and told all of you aborters out there to go and fuck yourselves. "Hi, I'm Tim fucking Tebow, and I'm here to tell you that God has a plan for your vagina. Keep the doctors out, and let God in. He has a plan. Don't fuck with it. Seriously, mothers...killing your own babies? ARE YOU HUMANS OR GERBILS??? I'm Tim Tebow, inviting you all to SUCK ME". Then he winds up for 6 seconds and throws a bomb to James Dobson. Well...maybe not. Showing those throwing mechanics in the ad would be akin to actually showing an abortion.

But nooooo. There was nothing of the sort. Nothing controversial at all. Nothing to make everyone feel uneasy. F. That. I didn't wait for this ad to see that. That was stupid. That was pointless. A waste of $3 mil. I'd rather watch those accountants forage through the savanna for pants again. Gay gay gay. And to think, I would have helped the economy and countered the Tebow ad if it were racy enough. I would have gotten Braylon Edwards, wide receiver for the Dicksucking Albatrosses, and done a commercial for Jeff's Abort-o-rama. 

Got knocked up again? Wanna keep it from the parents? Come to Jeff's! Start a tab! Every third abortion is free. Hey Braylon, catch!

(Mark Sanchez throws fetus behind Braylon Edwards...it is picked off and returned for six)

That's right, every third abortion is free! COME DOWN TO JEFF'S AND TELL 'EM THAT TIM TEBOW SENT YOU!

What a waste of time and money. And opportunity. I quit.

Let's give Tebow's dick some time to recover

Floridians, thank you for giving me your attention in this time of statewide crisis. As many of you know, Tim Tebow, a veritable ambassador for our state and outstanding young man, a follower of Christ, and Crist...Mr. Tebow sustained a concussion following a brutal hit in the Florida-Kentucky game on Saturday and was forced to leave the game and receive treatment at a local hospital. Mr. Tebow will be required to miss some action here in the greater interests of himself and his career and in turn, in the greater interests of us as his fans and supporters and, more importantly, as his neighbors and fellow Floridians.

But, I implore you...please give his dick some time to recover.

Please, hear me out. You as my constituents surely know that I would love nothing more than to be blowing Tim Tebow right now on the 50-yard line of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium while the Florida band plays a rousing rendition of  Howard Jones' "Everlasting Love" behind me and Urban Meyer personally barks out motivational nothings into my ear. You all know I would clean that dick like I was a Cuban maid five minutes removed from the Mariel Boatlift. I would leave that dick looking more exhausted than a post-40 yard dash Andre Smith. However, I'm going to have to wait for my opportunity, as allowing Mr. Tebow to recover must take precedent over orally relieving him of his future progeny.

And as such, Floridians, as much as you would like to get in there and treat that dick like it stole something, you must also allow Mr. Tebow to recuperate fully from his injuries. Please, give the young man a week or two. Feel free to compose an email or letter offering him your prayers and your encouragement and anything you can do to lift his spirits. However, you must allow that young, virile Heisman-winning cock of his the time it takes to get back to the level of performance that it is used to and frankly, a level that will be acceptable to a young man of Mr. Tebow's standing and stature.

I can assure you, my friends, that when the time is right and the requisite healing period has commenced, I will be the first one to head down to Gainesville and suck Tim Tebow's dick harder than Peter King does in his wildest dreams. I will blow him like our statewide economy depends on it. Like Lincoln would have done had Tebow's seed been capable of ending the Civil War, or like Jodie Sweetin would have done had Tebow ejaculated pure crystal meth. And at that point I would love nothing more than for my fellow Floridians to follow behind me with the intention of showing Tebow their own personal brand of rodeo. But until then, we must allow Mr. Tebow and his dick the one thing they require at this point...time.

Thank you for listening, Florida.