Let's give Tebow's dick some time to recover

Floridians, thank you for giving me your attention in this time of statewide crisis. As many of you know, Tim Tebow, a veritable ambassador for our state and outstanding young man, a follower of Christ, and Crist...Mr. Tebow sustained a concussion following a brutal hit in the Florida-Kentucky game on Saturday and was forced to leave the game and receive treatment at a local hospital. Mr. Tebow will be required to miss some action here in the greater interests of himself and his career and in turn, in the greater interests of us as his fans and supporters and, more importantly, as his neighbors and fellow Floridians.

But, I implore you...please give his dick some time to recover.

Please, hear me out. You as my constituents surely know that I would love nothing more than to be blowing Tim Tebow right now on the 50-yard line of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium while the Florida band plays a rousing rendition of  Howard Jones' "Everlasting Love" behind me and Urban Meyer personally barks out motivational nothings into my ear. You all know I would clean that dick like I was a Cuban maid five minutes removed from the Mariel Boatlift. I would leave that dick looking more exhausted than a post-40 yard dash Andre Smith. However, I'm going to have to wait for my opportunity, as allowing Mr. Tebow to recover must take precedent over orally relieving him of his future progeny.

And as such, Floridians, as much as you would like to get in there and treat that dick like it stole something, you must also allow Mr. Tebow to recuperate fully from his injuries. Please, give the young man a week or two. Feel free to compose an email or letter offering him your prayers and your encouragement and anything you can do to lift his spirits. However, you must allow that young, virile Heisman-winning cock of his the time it takes to get back to the level of performance that it is used to and frankly, a level that will be acceptable to a young man of Mr. Tebow's standing and stature.

I can assure you, my friends, that when the time is right and the requisite healing period has commenced, I will be the first one to head down to Gainesville and suck Tim Tebow's dick harder than Peter King does in his wildest dreams. I will blow him like our statewide economy depends on it. Like Lincoln would have done had Tebow's seed been capable of ending the Civil War, or like Jodie Sweetin would have done had Tebow ejaculated pure crystal meth. And at that point I would love nothing more than for my fellow Floridians to follow behind me with the intention of showing Tebow their own personal brand of rodeo. But until then, we must allow Mr. Tebow and his dick the one thing they require at this point...time.

Thank you for listening, Florida.

Don't just go sucking any dick during the Super Bowl

Greetings again, Floridians, from Governor Charlie Crist. As you are likely aware, Super Bowl XLIII will be coming to our great state shortly, bringing an influx of football fans from the rest of the country to the Tampa Bay area. Steeler fans, Cardinal fans and other assorted football people will be arriving shortly to spend the week before the big game. And, if you are like me, you have but one thing on your mind....tons of fresh dick.

The Cardinals come in hot, having cruised through their three playoff games to make it to the Super Bowl. They are a high-octane pass-happy offense led by Kurt Warner...sound familiar? Shades of the Greatest Show on Turf with this team. But Warner's wide receivers this year may be even better than the great ones he worked with in St. Louis, which is probably a very scary thought for Steelers fans. So, please understand the apprehension they may have if you end up sucking one of their dicks.

The Steelers also come in hot, having won their playoff games. Crazy how both teams in the Super Bowl always seem to be on winning streaks. The Steelers have done it old school with their defense while just getting enough offensive production to win. Led by Troy Polamalu and Defensive MVP James Harrison, the Steelers defense is sure to smother the Cardinals passing game to some degree, especially considering that the Cardinals and their fans are just happy to be here. Remember that when looking for dick...the happy Cardinal fans may indeed be your best option.

But please, don't just go sucking any dick. You have no idea where these dicks have been or where they will be going or even what these fresh new dicks may introduce to the area. Don't just go around sucking dicks as you have become accostomed to...please use some discretion when selecting dicks. I know I will, Florida, and I urge you to do the same. And don't get too infatuated with these new dicks, Floridians. After the Super Bowl ends and the new people leave, we'll still be here and all we'll have is each other. Let's not blow the great things we have going on a bunch of exotic new dicks.

Thank you and have a great week.

Forget about the dicks today and be heard

Greetings, Floridians, from Governor Charlie Crist. Today marks a huge day in our nation's democratic tradition...our voting day. And regardless of whom you are voting for, it is essential that you forget about the dicks today and cast your vote.

Please, I urge you all...ignore the dicks for one day and get to the polls. Have your voice be heard. Keep the gears of democracy well-oiled and in motion. Forget about the dicks. Trust me, after you have returned from the polls with that good feeling that you just voiced your opinions to the country, a country in which your opinion carries just as much weight as everybody else's, that post-vote dick is going to taste like heaven. I fully expect you all to go straight to the dicks after you vote. I myself will be guzzling more dick than the Houston 500 Gangbang after making my choices, enjoying every single drop of well-earned sperm that I can vacuum out of those dicks with my mouth. But first, we have a decision to make.

This election comes at a time in which the pillars of our nation are beginning to show some stress. A time in which we need to be sure to elect a leader with the strength and courage to restore the balance of these pillars and perpetuate the growth of our nation as we aim to stay in our rightful position as the world's beacon of freedom and prosperity. This is not a time to worry about dicks. Trust me, Florida, tonight we will exhibit our freedoms to all of the eyes that are upon us by frotting like rockstars as we tangle our dicks together in celebration of our nation and everything it was founded on. I will have so many balls in my mouth tonight that my dog would be jealous. But first, my country calls upon me. And your country calls upon you. Carry out your civic duty now. The dicks can wait.

Please, Florida, heed my messages. Get out there and vote. Get out there and make your voice heard...the voice that this great nation gives you. This is the greatest nation in the world, the only place where citizens are truly equal and truly share the same rights and privileges. And while the dick is one of these rights, and a very important one at that, voting is an even greater task to take on than even the biggest of big swinging dicks. So I urge you, get out there and vote. The dicks can wait.

Let's put the dicks down until we solve this financial crisis

Friends, constituents, fellow Floridians...we are in the midst of one of the most severe economic crises to hit this great nation since the infamous Great Depression of the 1930s. A depression so great that it wore on us for 10 long years, our people subsiding only through food rationing, the war effort, and, of course, the abundance of dick to suck during those long, hungry nights. We once again face a similar economic crisis, and I must encourage, nay urge you...please, let's put the dicks down until we straighten this thing out.

I applaud my friend John McCain's decision to halt his campaign in order to get this thing under control and restore our financial system to its rightful position at the top of the world economy. I am pledging a similar resolve to you, my constituency...I will be putting the dicks down and returning to Tallahassee to do my part for our state and our nation in this time of need. Until this bill is passed, I will not suck a single dick, I will not give out any handjobs, and I will most certainly not be gargling anybody's balls in the back of any of the establishments that I frequent nightly. Right now, the elected leaders in these United States must lead not by words, but by example. We must lead with our effort and with the interest of the people in mind. And we must certainly put down the dicks until we are finished.

Friends, do not for a second think that I am giving up the dick for good. After this situation is ameliorated, I promise you, I will jump on your dicks like a cheetah pouncing on a wounded gazelle. I swear, I will eat your dicks up like a stoner that just found some leftover pizza. I will suck every dick in this state, this much you can stake your life on. If Wall Street offers Charlie Crist suck-your-dick futures after this is all said and done, trust me, gentlemen, you can put your entire life savings on it with confidence. Accuweather may have screwed up the Ike forecasting, but I guaran-damn-tee you that the track for Hurricane Charlie is going straight for your shaft at Category 5 strength. However, at this time I must direct all of my energy towards the proposed bailout.

So please, I beg of you, put the dicks down for a few days. Check into your financial situation and try to learn exactly what is going on and what you as a hard-working American can do to protect yourself and your family. Email your local congressman and tell him to put the dick down as well. Tell him to lead by example. Tell him that after the bailout plan is finalized, you fully expect him to seek out dicks like John Edwards seeks out thousand-dollar haircuts. But in the meantime, urge him to fulfill the duty to the citizens of his district that he was elected to fulfill. And after this is all taken care of, after we get back out there and start sucking our first post-crisis dick, we can feel good about it. We can know deep down in our hearts that we have earned this dick. That we deserve this dick. And really, you and I know that there is no better feeling in the world.

So join me, fellow Floridians. Let's put the dicks down and get to work!

I did not come before you today to suck your dick, friend

While I am aware that I usually only come around these parts with the interests of sucking your dick in mind, today I come with an important message that I must convey. You may ask, "governor Crist, can't you suck my dick anyway?", to which I reply, I sure can and I intend to do so immediately after our chat, my friend. However, I first must make you aware of the grave dangers we may face if we do not prepare for this big, fat, thick hurricane coming our way in the warm, salty waters of the Atlantic Ocean.

Hurricane Ike is no joke right now as it spins counter-clockwise with sustained winds of up to 150 mph, making it a category 4 hurricane. Friend, please put your dick away until I finish informing you of the state of emergency I have just declared. I fully intend to suck your dick like it's never been sucked after I finish my message. I swear, I will swallow up your seed with a force that will make Ike look like an afternoon drizzle. But first, please heed my warnings.

I strongly suggest stocking up on a few weeks worth of supplies, as power could be out for a month or more after a direct hit. Please keep your gas tanks full, as any station that actually has gas will be inundated by those who did not prepare for this storm. Please secure all faulty doors and implement barriers on all exposed windows. Projectiles will likely be hurdled through the air by the strong winds of this storm, flying unpredictably from all angles like a blindfolded bukkake session, so please, stay away from these windows when the storm hits.

And I promise to all Florida citizens that in the aftermath of this storm, I will do everything in my power to bring back a state of normalcy to our fine state. I will leave no individual behind, no cry for help ignored, and no dick unsucked. We are a strong, resilient group, my friends. And we will not allow a hurricane to disrupt us as we pursue any and every unsucked dick that we can get our mouths on. So please, my friend, prepare for the worst, just in case. It's much better to be safe than to be sorry.

Ok, I guess I'll suck your dick now.

Hurricanes are laying in the Atlantic Basin like a broad

Am I asking for too much, here? I move down to the Ft. Lauderdale-Miami area in winter of 2007, you know, to get away from all of the English speaking people, and up to now, I can't get one God damn hurricane to strike the Florida coast. Just one! I would be happy with a Category 0.5 or something. I just want to see what these damn things are like, and yet, the tropical waves from the Cape Verde islands in Africa are laying all over the Atlantic Basin like broads.

You had like, 12 hurricanes strike Florida in 2005, Atlantic Basin! What the f is up with that? You think these people can withstand hurricane after major hurricane in one single season without dying or having their homes destroyed? No! Spread it out, man! None in 2006, none in 2007, no sign of anything to date in '08...I'm starting to think that Jerry Falwell might have indeed prayed away all of the storms before he died. That water might be over 90 degrees out there, but there just isn't enough sin left for the hurricanes to feed off of. Except, of course, in Mexico and Central America, an area that was hit with two Category 5 storms last year. However, they aren't Amurricans, and therefore God doesn't give a fuck about them. A little known fact...if Jesus were to come back, he'd likely live in Omaha, Nebraska. And he'd be voting for McCain.

And so, I fear another summer will go by without me getting to experience the rush of a whatever-the-hell hurricanes are like or getting to enjoy the resultant 4 days sitting in oppressive heat without electricity. This is not what I signed up for, Governor Crist, and if you need to go out there and suck some dick to make the hurricanes start...well, then you had better go and get your kneepads.

I could be the first dick-sucking president!

Greetings to my Florida constituency from your honorable governor, Charlie Crist. I come before you today to talk about offshore oil-drilling and to make several gay jokes in relation to oil-drilling, because if there is one thing I like to pound home harder than my political positions, it's hot male ass. I pound ass so violently that I've had a few reconstructive ass-surgery techniques named after me. But that's not the reason that I am appearing before you today in all of my exotic-tanned glory.

As you likely already know, gas has gotten expensive as fuck. And while we here in Florida depend heavily on our tourism industry, things have gotten to the point where our hardworking citizens are struggling to afford the gas that powers their Ford F-150 American Dreammobiles. And to this, I say open up the offshore drilling, before the Cubans, the Chinese, and the other slanty-eyed or dark people from foreign non-American nations get here and gobble it up first, like the last dick at the glory hole, sucking every last drop of delicious semen from the huge dick that represents our American way. And let me tell you, if there's any area that I have experience in, it's doing what's right for Florida, and sucking every single dick that I come across.

I am a man of ambitions, just as many of you are, have been, or will be. I want nothing more than to represent my fellow Floridians at the highest level of the land, the Oval Office of the White House, standing tall for what's right and for what I and my people believe in. And along the way, I must admit, I'm likely to suck a fucking lifetime's worth of dick. I will focus the same energy that I focus on sucking every ounce of energy out of a dick on getting things done for the American people the right way. What is the right way, you ask? Why don't you ask me that question again while I'm sucking the life out of your dick. I'm like a wind-tunnel with grey hair, but the hair is not what I'm talking about when I talk about "just for men".

So please, Floridians, join me in voicing the message to the current administration that we demand that off-shore drilling be implemented off of the Florida coast. We demand that the government do everything in their power to relieve from us the extreme burden of this terrible gas crisis. And we demand that they enact a resolution with the same swiftness with which I disrobe an unsuspecting young male and swallow his dick like a 5 year old on a Flintstone vitamin. And I will lead this charge, Florida, like an F-5 dick-sucking tornado leveling everything in its path.

Thank you for your time. And anyone who would like to meet me in my office to, uh, talk...uh, talk about politics, well, you know where to find me.

*winkface*