Thursday, September 25, 2008
Let's put the dicks down until we solve this financial crisis
Friends, constituents, fellow Floridians...we are in the midst of one of the most severe economic crises to hit this great nation since the infamous Great Depression of the 1930s. A depression so great that it wore on us for 10 long years, our people subsiding only through food rationing, the war effort, and, of course, the abundance of dick to suck during those long, hungry nights. We once again face a similar economic crisis, and I must encourage, nay urge you...please, let's put the dicks down until we straighten this thing out.
I applaud my friend John McCain's decision to halt his campaign in order to get this thing under control and restore our financial system to its rightful position at the top of the world economy. I am pledging a similar resolve to you, my constituency...I will be putting the dicks down and returning to Tallahassee to do my part for our state and our nation in this time of need. Until this bill is passed, I will not suck a single dick, I will not give out any handjobs, and I will most certainly not be gargling anybody's balls in the back of any of the establishments that I frequent nightly. Right now, the elected leaders in these United States must lead not by words, but by example. We must lead with our effort and with the interest of the people in mind. And we must certainly put down the dicks until we are finished.
Friends, do not for a second think that I am giving up the dick for good. After this situation is ameliorated, I promise you, I will jump on your dicks like a cheetah pouncing on a wounded gazelle. I swear, I will eat your dicks up like a stoner that just found some leftover pizza. I will suck every dick in this state, this much you can stake your life on. If Wall Street offers Charlie Crist suck-your-dick futures after this is all said and done, trust me, gentlemen, you can put your entire life savings on it with confidence. Accuweather may have screwed up the Ike forecasting, but I guaran-damn-tee you that the track for Hurricane Charlie is going straight for your shaft at Category 5 strength. However, at this time I must direct all of my energy towards the proposed bailout.
So please, I beg of you, put the dicks down for a few days. Check into your financial situation and try to learn exactly what is going on and what you as a hard-working American can do to protect yourself and your family. Email your local congressman and tell him to put the dick down as well. Tell him to lead by example. Tell him that after the bailout plan is finalized, you fully expect him to seek out dicks like John Edwards seeks out thousand-dollar haircuts. But in the meantime, urge him to fulfill the duty to the citizens of his district that he was elected to fulfill. And after this is all taken care of, after we get back out there and start sucking our first post-crisis dick, we can feel good about it. We can know deep down in our hearts that we have earned this dick. That we deserve this dick. And really, you and I know that there is no better feeling in the world.
So join me, fellow Floridians. Let's put the dicks down and get to work!