Friday, September 12, 2008

It seems God has once again decided to punish us for horsefuckery



Welcome to the 700 Club, I'm your God-fearing host, Pat Robertson. And once again, it appears as if God has sent another massive hurricane into that pool of sin that we call the Gulf of Mexico to punish us for our activities and beliefs. This one, this Hurricane Ike, or as I like to call it, Hurricane Stop Aborting Millions of Innocent Fetuses, is bearing down upon the sinful Gulf coast of Texas in the Houston area. And let me tell you, 700 Clubbers, every time we allow abortions to go on unchecked, every time we allow homosexuals to openly defile God's will with their dirty gay penises, and every time we turn a blind eye to horsefuckery, the waters of the Gulf rise by a tenth of a degree. Horsefuckery, not carbon emissions, is responsible for this global warming trend. And I think we deserve this, no matter how many dead illegal "Texicans" that it takes to teach us this lesson. Joining me today to discuss this is the homophobic ghost of Jerry Falwell.


Fuck the gays.


Amen.


Pat, you are absolutely correct on these homobortions strengthening hurricanes. How long can we allow abortions and gay fucking sex in good conscience? God is obviously fed up with this shit, and I don't really see any other way to look at it. Scientists, those mouthpieces of the devil, they can come up with all this blather about weak wind shear and warming ocean temperatures and whatever else they want to say, but God does not want to hear it and neither do I. We must keep penises away from other penises or face certain destruction of the dirtiest, grimiest piece of shoreline that we have.

Jerry, what I've really been impressed with is the response of Governor Rick Perry and President Bush. Now, here are two good Christians, good God-fearing leaders, carrying on His will to shepard these lost citizens away to large domed stadiums where they can think about what they need to do to please Him. To please the Lord. He's been spited, there's no doubt. And He is a good, glorious God when He is not fucking pissed off and sending deadly hurricanes barreling into our oil production areas. God knows we are dependent on His oil, and He knows how to teach us a real good lesson.


A-fucking-men Pat. How many abortions are we going to continue to allow? I mean, seriously, fuck this "be good to thy neighbor" bullshit. Really, God only cares about homos and abortions. So go ahead and fuck horses, you dirty fucking homos. Go ahead and keep aborting your fetuses. I point my fat, homophobic fingers directly at your gay faces and say "you caused this. This is your fault". And now, you can either change your lifestyle to accommodate the teachings of our Lord, or you can watch as millions of poor people in an area 1,000 miles away from you get pummeled by His tropical fury. Really, the choice is yours, and it appears that many of you are choosing hurricanes and hellfire. And let me tell you from experience, Hell is no walk in the park.

I mean, how can someone actually go through with an abortion? How can a woman take a gift from God and suck it out of her vagina with the same ferocity with which Rick James used to snort cocaine? How can a descendant of Eve stick a fucking vacuum cleaner attachment up her fucking vagina and suck a fucking fetus out of it? How? Answer me, motherfuckers! And how can you fuck a horse? How can someone whom God created, from his own fucking image, walk up to a dirty fucking horse, and say, "hey, you know, I want to fuck that horse". And how can that person walk up to that horse, lift up that horse's tail, and start fucking that horse? DO YOU SEE HOW STRONG THESE FUCKING HURRICANES ARE?!?!?!? STOP FUCKING HORSES! God is going to make it rain with such a fury upon us, He is going to bring such destruction, such terror, such chaos upon us, He is going to give us a bukkake of wrath.


And how can two homos get off on fucking each other? How can two men, two men created in the image of our Lord, two men who know our Lord forbids such gay sodomy, how can these men see a penis, and see this penis, ok, and have their penises get hard? How can these two sinful sodomites then touch these penises together? These penises, so hard with sin, touching the other sin-laden penis, rubbing penises together while all but punching the fucking Virgin Mary right in her fucking virgin ovaries, how can they do this to their benevolent Creator? How can they do this to His son Jesus Christ? How can they rub these big, fat penises together in violation of the laws of the Lord? How can they touch all of these other penises as well, just, touching every penis they come across, just penis after penis after....oh God....

*ejaculates*


*ejaculates*


Cigarette, Pat?


Thank you, Jerry.


Why do you hold it like a marijuana cigarette?


...


Looks like we have run out of time, homophobic ghost of Jerry Falwell. Thank you for being with us today, and we thank you for all you have done to rid God's Earth of sin.


Amen.


A-fucking-men.

Thank you for watching, and remember, tomorrow, same time, same place, you can find me in the 700 Club. Peace be with you.

2 comments:

Rage said...

Bukkake of wrath. Man you got skillz...you shoulda put smiting in there somewhere. I hear god LOVES that shit!

Vern said...

I probably should have along with one of P-Rob's fave Bible verses.