Thursday, March 26, 2009

Tom Cable, you are a moron


Hey, Coach Cabes! The portly red-bearded gentleman above is homeless Raiders coach Tom Cable, who just divulged with one of his lesser informed opinions at a recent press conference.

“In baseball, it’s the New York Yankees. In basketball, it’s the Boston Celtics. And in football, it’s the Oakland Raiders….We’re no different than those other two.”

What?

What did you just say, Cabes?

You are putting the Raiders, they of the 3 Super Bowls with the most recent being 26 years ago against the two teams with the most championships in the NBA and MLB, respectively? Each with over 15 titles, a few of which are actually recent?

The f-ing Raiders?!?!?! The Raiders have been a joke for about 6 years now since they lost to former coach Jon Gruden and his band of merry men in the 2003 Super Bowl, and you are calling them one of the most storied franchises in sport? In the NFL, I think Cowboys, Steelers, 49ers, Patriots (unfortunately), probably Packers, Bears, and possibly even Broncos before I think Raiders. The Raiders might not even have the most historical lore in their own division, let alone across three entire leagues (Cabes neglected to mention an NHL team in his analogy, so I'll just leave them out).

To be fair, Cabes also made the following comparisons during the press conference:


"I think of the three members of the Holy Trinity; the Father, the Son, and then one of my nuns from 3rd grade Catholic school."


"It really comes down to the three P's; Preparation, Persistance, and the Pennsylvania Mountain Lion."


"Usually, three major meats come to mind. You have your steak, then you have your chicken, and then after that it's probably pot roast."


"I only listen to the good rappers. Nas, Jay-Z and Soulja Boy for me."


"Yeah man, I was fucking like, three chicks in my dream. I tagged Kim Kardashian, got a BJ from Keeley Hazell and then blew it in Roseanne's face."


"Our season will be defined by three color-schemes...black and white, for our simple offense, black and blue, for our physical gameplay, and then blacks-on-blondes, because that's what I like to jack it to in my office."


"It essentially came down to three potential places to move to; New York City, Los Angeles, and some fucking shack in the middle Manitoba."


"Yeah, I did three essential things to the car to keep it running smoothly; changed the oil, changed the transmission fluid, and then I vacuumed the interior."


"We took every single precaution we could against a pregnancy. I used a condom, my wife was on the pill, and then I punched her right in the face."

Wordpress's advice 2: THE LIST!


He's makin' a list...he's checkin' it twice...it's the top 30 ways that you can skullfuck a deer...

Wait. Those might not be the correct lyrics. Anyway, Wordpress told me a couple weeks ago that if I got stuck in a rut blogwise, they had 10 suggestions to pull up a creative truck and clever-winch me out. Suggestion two was to make a list...because even though you have nothing in your head to write about, you can certainly put that nothingness in list form!

So, first order of business is to come up with a list. Second order of business is to write it. That pretty much covers all orders of business involved in this task. Ok.

Let's list a bunch of the moves that I like to make in a chess game.


MOVE 1: MOVING THE HORSE AND THEN KILLING PEOPLE WITH IT

I love to move the horse. He can fucking jump over people! Unfortunately, his one leg is apparently really messed up and he always ends up leaning to the left or right. Sometimes, people are in the way of this lean and he freaking kills them. I love to make horse noises while I move the horse. In fact, I am going to make noises when I move every piece on the chess board. Moving the horse while making horse noises and killing somebody is one of the most satisfying things in life, right up there with making the final payment on a car loan and placing your balls into a vat of petroleum jelly.


MOVE 2: TURNING A PAWN INTO A HORSE

Pawns! Pawns sure are some little bitch fake gangsters, but they are gangsters nonetheless and can only kill diagonally because they hold their guns sideways with that gangster tilt. Sometimes they get a little hop in their step and can start off by moving two spaces ahead, but then they are quickly intimidated by the other pieces and can only move one space ahead. However, if they reach the promised land, they can metamorphisize into a queen or a priest or EVEN ANOTHER HORSE! It's like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, or like an alcoholic door-to-door vacuum salesman turning into a homeless guy.


MOVE 3: MOVING THE KING IN ANY DIRECTION

Holy hell is the king a beast. HE CAN MOVE IN ANY DIRECTION! You may be like, "yeah, but he can only move one space, while the queen can move as far as she wants", and I would slap you and tell you to keep your dirty feminist mouth shut. The queen only does that because the king tells that bitch to do it. Meanwhile, the king moves one space and he's like "fuck this, I'm the damn king. I'm just gonna chill", while everybody else does all the work. Everytime I move the king I feel like a captain of industry. It makes me harder than black-on-blonde anime porn.


MOVE 4: MOLESTING OTHER PIECES WITH THE PRIEST

I love to molest other pieces that get in my path with the bishop. The priest. The ruthless chess molester that can only move diagonally because he's drunk as hell off wine. And everytime an opposing underage male piece finds itself in his stumbling drunken path, that piece is then thoroughly molested. The priest initially cons the piece into sampling some wine and moving to the priest's "office" for "friendly advice" and before long, the priest is fondling that piece into submission. This is a great way to not only capture pieces but also to damage your opponent's morale.


MOVE 5: NOT TAKING WORDPRESS'S ADVICE

Thanks a lot, Wordpress. You really know how to make ideas pop. Homos.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

F it. I'll take Wordpress's advice


That's right, Wordpress. You go girlfriend. They gave me some advice a few weeks ago, and I told them to go and play with themselves...but things have changed. I just went a whole week without posting anything and then got served by some fake article claiming that the Pope told Africans to use Bibles as condoms, and so now I have come crawling back to Wordpress. First order of business is step one of their list of suggestions...

"Some of the best ideas come from readers. Read through your comments and check for interesting questions, provoking thoughts, or anything that could become a good post topic. Focus particularly on any comment threads that contain a spirited discussion among readers. If it's hot, run with it."

Excellent suggestion, Wordpress. I was busy for so long just completely ignoring everything that was ever said on here, but now I need to make amends with the commenters who have commented and listen to their suggestions. And from that post, Symo essentially asked me to break down the Global Warming debate using only hieroglyphics and a Venn Diagram. So let's do this.

First, we are going to need some hieroglyphics.

We will refer to scientists with beakers of random liquid, because that seems sciencey enough. Let's start the Venn Diagram...the left circle represents the "yes, humans are responsible" side of the argument while the right represents the "it's a natural cycle aspect.




It seems to me that more scientists tend to think that this warming cycle is not natural than think that it is, but you can find some of both arguments and so I'll just go two to one on my Venn. The Venn isn't exactly supposed to be a perfect mathematical representation of the argument.

Next, we'll represent the people, companies, etc. with special interests influencing their minds as opposed to actual data. They will be represented by money.




While Al Gore and others may be making a bit of change by selling carbon credits to morons, I think that most of the moneyed interests want us to believe that global warming is not occurring because the trucks they make get 8 miles to the gallon. So I've put more of them on the "natural-cycle" side. Again, if you want to debate this, you can start your own blog entitled "Responses To Global Warming Debates That Use Venn Diagrams and Hieroglyphics" and see how many hits you get. Probably less than Rihanna got.

Finally, we will represent the millions of people who have absolutely no idea what they are talking about and get all of their info from fellow idiots on TV and radio with penises.




There, I even threw a black one in there for diversity. I bet you that does wonders for my placement on Google search results.

So, that's pretty much it. That right there is the Global Warming debate broken down using a Venn Diagram and hieroglyphics. Can't wait to see what Wordpress has for me to do tomorrow!

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Pope is out of his mind


Ok. I've been busy and lazy and all that over the past week, but I'm not dead. Yet. Should probably be in jail after this past weekend, but that is not a story for the internets.

Anyway, on Friday I was alerted to the fact that the Pope has found a surefire solution to the AIDS crisis in Africa. Hallelujah, right? Score one for organized religion! Giving back to the world. I like it. Religion is doing it's part to fit in with society and offer some benefits. The Pope even offered his complete plan for AIDS-prevention.

Placing a Bible above your erect penis before intercourse.

No. Seriously. Take your pants off, grab a Bible, and hold it there. It will scare the AIDS away.

The Pope seriously just went to Africa and TOLD THEM TO PUT FUCKING BIBLES OVER THEIR PENISES BEFORE THEY FUCK EACH OTHER. Has he lost his damn mind? Has Catholicism actually come to this? Holy mother of God. Jesus Christ himself is probably flipping out and going into full PR-control mode. The Church's anti-condom crusade has reached a new apex of abject stupidity. This man should be arrested. And at the same time, I can't stop rofl-ing about it.

But....I mean, come on. There are people in the world who really believe what the Pope has to say on these subjects. What if some of these people do, too? Two out of every one adults in Africa has some form of the HIV, and now they might run around putting Bibles over their cocks in lieu of condoms. This is great. Go, The Church. But mainly, I just want this to catch on.

Because I want to try it.

Next chick that succumbs to my irresistible charm is getting Bible-dicked. Oh yeah. She's going to be like, "do you have a condom?", and I'm gonna be like, "condoms don't work...but I have the only thing that does...I have to protect myself from your AIDS", and then I'm going to grab a Bible. I'm going to place the Bible over my erect penis and I'm going to allow the AIDS-prevention formula to run it's course. Then I'm going to put the Bible down and see if she still wants to go. I have a feeling I already know the answer.

The article covers this much better than I can. Do yourselves a favor and read it. Wow.

I just hope this isn't a hoax. Pleeeeeease don't be a hoax, Bible-penis story...


EDIT: It's got to be. I can't find a Dr. Emma Bradford or an article other than a reprinted version of this Onion-style article. Sucks. This would have been awesome.

Friday, March 13, 2009

MAKE IT RAINBOW released!





New GPJ CD is complete. Can be downloaded here:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/ftguud

Track Listing:

01 - Intro
02 - When Gunpowder Raps
03 - Gunpowder's Millie
04 - I Do It For The Hood
05 - 412 Dickmix f. J Vic
06 - Rapping and Pillaging
07 - Seven Dollars
08 - Station Wagon
09 - Y'all African Americans
10 - Ten Meth Commandments
11 - The Case That They Gave Me
12 - Playoffs
13 - Jazz Hands
14 - Yo! GPJ Raps
15 - Go Flaccid
16 - Dick Is Free
17 - The Hearth
18 - Heavy Flow Day
19 - A-Double-Snakes
20 - Hoes On My Penis


You need WinRAR to open it. If you don't have it:

http://www.rarlab.com/download.htm

Download the first one, WinRAR 3.80.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A JEREMIAD!


I don't know what a Jeremiad is, and perhaps that makes Earthworm Jim above a smarter man than I. However, after reading his article, I'm leaning towards believing that he is just autistic and is a damn savant with words. I think this guy could epically break down the reasons that we should all stop breathing for 30 minutes in order to turn the conflict in Darfur into rainbows.

Professor Stephen Webb (also known as Professor Touchboys, as he teaches at all-male and completely unsalvageably gay Wabash College) has a bone to pick, and he's picking the freshest bone-pickingest topic currently floating around in America today...soccer! Like totally, fuck soccer.

But really. I don't like soccer. I do. So I should be with him, right? No. See, Steve, just because I don't like soccer doesn't mean it should not be played or it's ruining America or it's making our ducks gay. That's crazytalk, which is apparently the discipline that you teach over at Wabbish.



Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it.

Probably because they can still somehow sleep at night?




Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way. Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive, and competitiveness is being undermined to the point of no return.

Ok. Waiting to see what this has to do with soccer, but I think I have an idea where it's going.



What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.)

What does this have to do with unnecessarily rewarding our kids? Golf is fucking gay, but they have nice grass. Bowling is boring, but noises are made. Baseball? You know, douche, a lot of people think baseball is boring as hell too but somehow do not express a desire to remove it from the spectre of major US sports. They just don't watch it. Some people like soccer. Deal with it.




The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock.

Where is the difference in dimensions among basketball, hockey and football? That analogy is like doing your taxes while being forced to blow a dude at gunpoint.



Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.

Posses? Pursuing their prey? Are you the guy who airbrushed Allen Iverson's tats on the Sixer media guide? He's right, though. When I think of soccer I picture roving gangs of Puerto Ricans pistol-whipping homeless people.



For those who think I jest, let me put forth four points, which is more points than most fans will see in a week of games—and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days.

For those who think my douchebaggery has reached epic proportions and cannot be exceeded, let me put my points in list form.




1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability.

What? I don't get it. Are everybody's legs the same? Are the liberals of America suggesting that we should all be disabled or chop our fucking arms off or something? This is the dumbest thing I've ever read. Does baseball discriminate against those who aren't strong enough to hit the ball as far? Can you hold the bat with your legs? Is a football player allowed to whip the ballcarrier with his cock?



Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of hands. We have the thumb, an opposable digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The thumb lets us do things like throw baseballs and fold our hands in prayer. We can even talk with our hands. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with their feet? When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your feet, or sticking your shoes in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”? Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.

Oh my God. Because we have thumbs and can pray, we should only play sports that allow us to use our hands. Soccer is making us athiests. Ever consider that a deaf person try to talk with his feet? And the Iraqi who threw his shoes at Bush was following animal instincts?

Did Chris Brown beat Rihanna with his feet?

Should we give the middle toe instead of the middle finger?

God will create fucking hurricanes and floods but he would never kick you or make you smell his feet. He leaves that up to the little kids. Does God ever threaten to pimp slap us?

Soccer is spitting in the face of Jesus. You can't make this stuff up.




2) Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up. Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding. Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes, and outs. Striding up to the plate gave each of us a chance to act like we were starring in a Western movie, and tapping the bat to the plate gave us our first experience with inventing self-indulgent personal rituals. The boy chosen to be the pitcher was inevitably the first kid on the team to reach puberty, and he threw a hard ball right at you.

When I was a young child, they used to punch us in the face before every baseball game. Tapping the bat on the plate was our first step into forming a cult. It was so demanding. I mean, you could strike out! Woe be the kid that strikes out in a fucking baseball game. Especially considering that the pitcher has pubes.




Thus, you had to face the fear of disfigurement as well as the statistical probability of striking out. The spectacle of your failure was so public that it was like having all of your friends invited to your home to watch your dad forcing you to eat your vegetables. We also spent a lot of time in the outfield chanting, “Hey batter batter!” as if we were Buddhist monks on steroids. Our chanting was compensatory behavior, a way of making the time go by, which is surely why at soccer games today it is the parents who do all of the yelling.

As opposed to soccer, where nobody lost except for the team that scored less goals. What is the point of this? Baseball is good because the kids yell "Hey batter batter"? That's why it's awesome? That's why baseball isn't an affront to Jesus himself?



3) Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that. More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score.

What? You think scoring less is a good way to win a soccer game? Please. Tell me what is wrong with foreigners. And Foreigner. Because for my money, "Cold as Ice" is the greatest rock ballad ever created.




Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel. How could anyone enjoy a game where so much energy results in so little advantage, and which typically ends with a penalty kick out, as if it is the audience that needs to be put out of its misery. Shootouts are such an anticlimax to the game and are so unpredictable that the teams might as well flip a coin to see who wins—indeed, they might as well flip the coin before the game, and not play at all.

Yes, the 150,000 people in the stadium are so pissed that they have to be there. We get it, soccer bores you because there isn't any scoring. Great. Hockey too, probably. And yes, penalty kicks are pretty gay. I would like to see the percentage of games that end in shootouts, though, because I'm betting it's less than "typically".




4) And then there is the question of gender. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls. Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football. Soccer penalizes shoving and burns countless calories, and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating. As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.

I think your daughter should kick you for procreating. Why are girls too smart for baseball but not soccer? Is shoving rewarded in baseball? Or basketball? Or any sport? Soccer mimics childbirth? Are you fucking kidding me? Reminds me of the most prodigious mother of them all, Pele. It's like that guy's vagina was made out of pure elastic.





Let me conclude on a note of despair appropriate to my topic. There is no way to run away from soccer, if only because it is a sport all about running. It is as relentless as it is easy, and it is as tiring to play as it is tedious to watch. The real tragedy is that soccer is a foreign invasion, but it is not a plot to overthrow America.

It would be better if it was a plot to overthrow America. Sure, it would be the world's worst plot to overthrow America ever, but at least it would be trying.




For those inclined toward paranoia, it would be easy to blame soccer’s success on the political left, which, after all, worked for years to bring European decadence and despair to America.

For those who weren't born with extra chromosomes, however, such a comparison would be exponentially more difficult.



The left tried to make existentialism, Marxism, post-structuralism, and deconstructionism fashionable in order to weaken the clarity, pragmatism, and drive of American culture. What the left could not accomplish through these intellectual fads, one might suspect, they are trying to accomplish through sport.

The left, when done raping American babies, turned it's evil rapedicks toward sport. What portions of American cultural heritage they could not destroy through communism, they targeted with soccer.




Yet this suspicion would be mistaken. Soccer is of foreign origin, that is certainly true, but its promotion and implementation are thoroughly domestic. Soccer is a self-inflicted wound. Americans have nobody to blame but themselves. Conservative suburban families, the backbone of America, have turned to soccer in droves.

Conservative subarban families, the only families who should not be impaled upon poison-tipped black dildos, are absolutely slitting their wrists over this soccer fad. They are getting in their conservative minivans and conservatively driving right into the fucking liberal deathtrap of soccer. And then they are getting out and bringing oranges.



Baseball is too intimidating, football too brutal, and basketball takes too much time to develop the required skills.

Baseball is not intimidating, football does not start until fall and usually doesn't start until kids are a bit older, and I'm guessing basketball skills are acquired much quicker than soccer skills are. You can use your fucking hands, man.




American parents in the past several decades are overworked and exhausted, but their children are overweight and neglected. Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game. Soccer and relevision are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.

You act like the right fielder doesn't exist in baseball.




I should know. I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me!

I hope your books are better than this piece. Let me guess "LAKE EERIE: How Liberals Brutally Murdered Lacy Peterson"?




Last year all three of my kids were on three different soccer teams at the same time. My daughter is on a traveling team, and she is quite good. I had to sign a form that said, among other things, I would not do anything embarrassing to her or the team during the game. I told the coach I could not sign it. She was perplexed and worried.

"Oh my God, are you going to call her a cunt if she fucks up? You look like such an intimidating fellow!"




“Why not,” she asked? “Are you one of those parents who yells at their kids? “Not at all,” I replied, “I read books on the sidelines during the game, and this embarrasses my daughter to no end.” That is my one way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport. Nonetheless, I must say that my kids and I come home from a soccer game a very happy family.

I'm sure your appearance and the fact that you wrote this embarrasses your daughter as well. Soccer players...beware. Stephen Webb is out there and he is going to bookworm your sport to death.

Fucking liberals.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Turnin' me on


You fly as hell, swagga right, brown skin poppin
You know just how to talk to me know just how I like it you turnin’ me on

You turnin’ me on, you turnin’ me on



Oh yeah, baby...that's what I'm talking about. You like when I grab your ass?


I wait a minute little buster you got one more time to feel on my booty
Better recognize a lady that ain’t the way you do me
You turnin’ me off, you turnin’ me off, you turnin’ me off
Better recognize a real woman


The fuck? You serious?



Aaaaaah
You ever try to get that close to me
You better come correct how you ‘proachin me
Dime divas give it to me
Aaaaaaah
I gotta be feelin’ your energy
I gotta be for sure that you’re into me
Recognize a real woman


Why don't you recognize a fuckin' NFL player, woman?



Goin up on it, you actin like you want it And you stuntin like your daddy checkin for this little mama
You turnin me on (aaaah) you turnin me on (aaaah), you turnin me on (aaaah)


That's what I thought. I'm 'bout to get some Patron, bitch. What you drinkin'?


Now wait a minute little buster
Now you don’t even know me but you wanna take me shopping
You a lame, I can tell it ain’t big sh!t poppin
You turnin me off (aaaah), you turnin me off (aaaah), you turnin me off (aaaah)
Better recognize a real woman

Wait...wait...cut this shit off. What the fuck did you just say, woman?



Uhh....I said....uh....

I'm Vince Fucking Young. You are some no name singer with one song. You think I ain't got enough money to buy some fucking Patron? Bitch, I could buy you.


Well...I'm just....


Shut the fuck up. Fuck it, man. I'm going home. Fuck you, fuck this club, fuck everything. Fuck it. I'm outta here.


That's the spirit, Vince. You wanna go play some Madden?

Fuck it. I'll jack off the ducks.


Look at those gay ducks. Just gayin' it up, staring at each other's duckwangs.

Unfortunately, they are the last male ducks of their kind in the UK. And it is imperative to the survival of this gay species of duck that one of these ducks knocks up a female duck. But they won't, because they are too busy blowing each other. Stupid gay ducks.

So, the nature people have apparently given up and are resigning themselves to the fact that these ducks are probably not long for existence in the UK. Which begs the question...why? Can't one of you cocksmokers go in there and jack off a duck? Please. We can clone sheep but we can't jack off ducks? You scientists can't artificially inseminate the chick duck? You people are f-ing worthless. THESE ARE THE LAST DUCKS IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY!!!! You can't give up on them now, after all of the work that you've done to keep them alive.

You know what? Fuck it. I'll jack off the ducks.

If you people care enough to go through this, then it has to be worth something significant to you. How's $50,000 US? Is it worth the continued existence of your precious gay ducks? Sold. I'll be there tonight. And I will stroke the fuck out of this duck's wang. This duck will be shooting like an crazy Alabama gunman after I'm done with him. I will be the fucking Roger Maris of single-season duck fluffing. I WILL PERSONALLY ENSURE THE CONTINUED EXISTENCE OF THIS SPECIES. And for what price? Please. 50 G's. Not much to ask for someone to perform miracles in nature, right? Because that's what I'll do. Tell these gay ducks to limber up.

You see my email up there, British conversation scientists. Get in touch with me. Time is of the utmost importance, so hurry the fuck up. It's time to jack off some ducks.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Blogger's block


Yeah, I've had pretty much nothing to write about in the past few weeks, so I've had to dip pretty deep at times. Part of it is being idealess, another part is being too lazy to actually write something, and then the remaining 17% was in deference to the highly-respected grandeur of Black History Month. So, while I was writing up my entry for my fitsstakes on the AofG website, I saw an article that TypePad linked to entitled "10 Ways to Find New Blog Topics". I thought, "surely, this is going to be incredibly gay". And I was right. But, hey, I guess it gave me something to write about.



1. Check your comment section.

Some of the best ideas come from readers. Read through your comments and check for interesting questions, provoking thoughts, or anything that could become a good post topic. Focus particularly on any comment threads that contain a spirited discussion among readers. If it's hot, run with it.

Wow! That runs so contrary to the commonly held belief among bloggers to completely ignore your comment section like you were Gaetan Dugas and it was an HIV symptom. I mean, this is pure genius! Read your comment section...wow. Epic advice over here from TypePad. Should I consider using pictures as well?



2. Create a list.

Whatever you blog about, there is likely an exciting list that you can uncover. Write the “5 Secrets to...” or the “Top 10 Ways...” or “8 Reasons Why...” or “3 Ways to Find Out...” They're quick and painless, and even better: they're fun to read.

Yeah! A list! How about "Loftiest 6 reasons why lists are the gayest form of blogging..." or maybe "Least entertaining styles of writing that anyone can do, even Jay Mohr..." or something of that nature. I'll be fucking famous once I start making more lists and reading my comments section. I can be like Will Leitch without the emo hair!



3. Review your greatest hits.

Read back through your old posts, particularly the ones that generated a good amount of feedback, and consider writing a fresh angle on the topic. If a subject was compelling once, it might be worthwhile to explore another variation on it.

Ohhh, I like it! Rewrite something that you didn't fuck up in the past. FRESH. I love using freshness analogies, and right now TypePad's ideas are so fresh that they are like the cryogenic sperm lab of blogging. Hey, remember that awesome post I wrote about skull-fucking goats? Well, here it is from another angle, that of the goat. Enjoy!



4. Spend some time on social networking sites like Digg and StumbleUpon to find out what other people are blogging about.

Sometimes just browsing through headlines of buzz-worthy blog topics will be enough to jumpstart your creativity. Good ideas are contagious, so take time to read popular blogs and blogs that are generating lots of conversations, and you'll soon have a bunch of new ideas.

Well, of course it is. Who doesn't do this? I used to write all kinds of posts in response to CNN.com articles and stuff like that. Come on, TypePad, how about something clever? Or new? Or something that my illegitimately children are not capable of figuring out themselves?




5. Explore blogs in an entirely different category than yours.

Stepping outside your own content area is a wonderful way to be inspired. Have a marketing blog? Read a few food blogs. Have a craft blog? Check out a few political blogs. Inspiration is just a few clicks away.

Can't think of anything to write for your Cincinnati Reds blog? Have you checked out anything on the Pakistani Liberation Movement recently? Surely your readers will be inspired to cheer for Jay Bruce this year after you touch on the tragic murder of Benazir Bhutto. Have a travel blog? Read about chap stick! Have a quilting blog? Read about SARS! Have a skiing blog? Listen to a Joe Jackson song!



6. Do something different.

Create a post using only pictures. Hold a contest. Give something away to the “nth” person who comments. Invite your readers to ask you a question. Participate in a blog meme. Write a pros and cons list on a topic that is relevant for your audience. Write a post in your “alter ego” voice, contradicting a stance you would usually take. Create a poll. Write about a blog post that you had a strong reaction to.

Eschew words completely! Type up a blog post using only your flaccid penis! Offer to blow your commenters! Allow your readers to actually contact you! Do something stale as fuck that everyone else is doing! Write a list, even though we already said that! Break the Global Warming debate down using only hyeroglyphics and a Venn Diagram! Write a post as your neighbor's snake! Offer to trim your pubes with a '97 Ford Taurus timing belt on webcam! Really, the possibilities are endless.



7. Invite a guest author to write a blog post.

If you need a break on the writing front, why not ask another blogger to write a guest post? Another up-and-coming blogger will likely seize the chance to write for a new audience, and your regular readers will get a fresh perspective.

Because maybe you don't have an enormous following? Or maybe because this doesn't cure your blogger's block? Or maybe it's just because they probably would have started their own blogs (and, I mean, let's get serious...most already have) if they really wanted to write something. If someone really wanted to write something on my site, and they asked, do you really think I'd turn them down? Of course not. Unless it was a detailed breakdown of how I'm gay and like to touch kids or something like that. In that case I probably would not run it.



8. Step away from the computer.

Some of the best ideas come when you stop trying so hard. Spend an hour or two at the museum; catch the afternoon matinee; browse the magazine rack; or crack open a novel. Chances are good that you'll find yourself inspired when you do return to your desk.

Chances are that you HAVE A FUCKING JOB and can't do this. Hey boss, I'm going to step away from the office for a few hours so I can write about Sabre-Toothed Tigers. If anybody calls for me, tell them to fuck themselves as deeply as they can until I'm refreshed enough to talk to them.



9. Turn on the news.

We know: since you started blogging, you don't watch nearly as much television, but local and national news are a goldmine of topic ideas. Tune in and be inspired.

We know, we already told you to look at other sources, but hey, we never said they could be on TV. While you're at it, consider talking to actual people or listening to the radio. Also, if you just see something that interests you, write about that. If you are feeling considerably adventurous, try watching the news on different channels!



10. Keep an idea log.

Buy a cheap notebook and jot down ideas whenever they come to you. Carry it with you when you're riding the bus or sitting at the airport. Next time you can't think of anything to post about, all you'll have to do is turn to your own treasure trove of brilliance.

Don't call it a damn treasure trove. That sounds like something that is used to collect errant sperm shots at a porn studio. Next time you can't think of something to blog and can't remember what you just thought about 5 minutes ago on the bus, get yourself a gay little notebook and a frilly pen to write with. That way, you won't forget to write about how unclean homeless people are when you get back to your apartment.

The challenge



I occasionally write at a second website (usually involves copying certain things from this site over) as "Newman". I know the guy who started it and he offered me a chance to put some stuff on there back when I started this place and had nary a viewer.

Well, another one of the guys who writes over there got tired of all the weight-loss, fit, what-have-you challenges that they always held over there and wanted to hold another type of challenge...one birthed from pure vanity. Behold, the first annual (probably not) AofG Meathead Challenge!

The goal? Well, we are two similarly sized fellows, both with a max bench press in the 225-265 area. The race is to 315 lbs. Winner is the first one to get there or the last one to stop trying.

I don't think my frame can support a 315 lb bench press, but I'm going to go for the gold here. VERN DOES NOT LOSE INTERNET CHALLENGES, and you can take that to the...uh, Paypal.

Friday, March 6, 2009

GUNPOWDER JONES SPOTTED AT PANTHERS GAME


Yes, that guy in blue is Meadville-famous rapper Gunpowder Jones. He also goes by Vern. Thanks, The Pensblog.

I'm famous! I WAS ON FSN FLORIDALAND TV!

What a game, fools. Panthers fans were actually decently represented and were good fans, which shocked the hell out of me. I expected at least 50-50 Pens backers, but it was more like 30-70 at the most.

The Panthers in the crowd were amped up after their first goal but Sid came back with a superstar play that I could just feel was coming. You just knew it. It was an insane feeling. That just killed the Panther fans, energized the Pens fans, and it was over from there. Pittsburgh fans are just going to be louder than most fans, and you could tell whenever LET'S GO PANTHERS chants were quickly drowned out by LET'S GO PENS. PEN!S. That's going to be on my sign.

Yeah, that's right. My fucking sign.

Douchebag in the crowd had a "Don't cry Sidney, your MASCARA will run!" sign, which was about as clever as a Beer Pong World Champions t-shirt. Well, the Pens come back to the Douchefactory to play the Panthers on April 5th, and I'm bringing some fucking signs of my own. Hmm...what to put?















I honestly could do this all day and not get bored.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Gas up the jet for you tonight and you can go wherever you liiiiike


TI sure does look menacing wielding a Canadian little leaguer's bat.

I received an email yesterday from a friend of mine who works in the private aviation business (or something like that, whatever the preferred nomenclature is) who passed on a letter from the president of NATA (which I'm guessing is some sort of private aviation association) James Coyne to President Obama suggesting that people lighten up on their criticism of companies using private planes in the recession. I kind of agree to a point, but...all the criticism I've heard was directed at the major car companies. You know, the ones who couldn't afford to fly in a private plane because they were going to be $31 billion short this year. I don't care if John Travolta flies in his private plane because he's earned enough money to do so. However, Alan Mullally (CEO of Ford) has not. He has considerably f-ed up his former powerhouse of a company and I think he should have to make the drive from Detroit to DC in a vegetable powered Smart Car.

Since this is an open letter, it's fair game.

Let's go.



At a White House gathering this week you spoke about your
helicopter, Marine One, as a new experience. I'm sure you're also
learning to appreciate Air Force One and have already become very
familiar with all the benefits of personal (or what some call 'general,'
'private,' or 'business') aviation during the campaign.

In what some call "a plane" or "a flying contraption". Surely you had never flown in a personal aircraft before now.



Personal aviation is something very special - but the
industry that makes this all possible is under attack and may soon face
economic collapse. Tens of thousands of jobs have already been shed and
the industry is in a tailspin. What threatens these world-class
American businesses most of all, you ask? The statements and actions
produced by the Administration and Congress since you were elected have
been, I believe, unintentionally catastrophic.

This is where you have to name a statement that he has made that has been unintentionally catastrophic. If a company cannot afford to fly, but Barack Obama comes out and says "let's fly!", are they going to disregard the bottom line and do it? Surely the private aviation business should not be affected in a worldwide recession!




It was heartwarming to see you pay tribute to Chesley
Sullenberger during your address to Congress this week. President
Reagan paid a similar tribute in his first State of the Union address to
Lenny Skutnik, a heroic citizen who rescued passengers when an Air
Florida plane crashed into the Potomac in 1982. It seems that
presidents appreciate the heroism of citizens who try to save victims of
plane crashes. It's now time for a different kind of heroism to save
aviation itself - and it won't require anyone to walk on water. All
that is needed is an understanding in Washington that it's not fair for
private aviation to become a political punching bag in some perverse
populist version of class warfare in the skies. It's time for you to be
the hero.

No. He didn't just do that. This guy just put displaying faith in the private aviation business on par with saving hundreds of lives as a pilot on a crashing plane? Holy hell. You would think he was biased or something.




That's not to say that private aviation is perfect. Three
auto executives in November misused their planes, but so have
presidents. President Bush surely regrets sitting comfortably in Air
Force One in the skies over New Orleans, while thousands suffered in the
wake of Hurricane Katrina, and President Clinton must regret getting a haircut in Air Force One on the ramp at LAX while ordinary airline passengers had to wait.

Should Bush have walked to New Orleans? Should Clinton be embarrassed that as President he gets to have his own barber? What the hell is your point here? You sound like a Berkeley tree-hugger.




But just as 99% of presidential air travel is justified, even essential, so too is
the overwhelming majority of private aircraft use.

No. It's not. The President of the country is more important than the president of Miami Subs. If your company cannot afford to fly private planes all the time, then they won't. It has nothing to do with a stigma. Plus, you know, the president of Miami Subs doesn't have to fly over to Israel to hammer out a peace treaty after he's done with his regional conference in Atlanta. He can fly Southwest.




Of course, broad international economic forces have
depressed aviation, like all businesses, but private aviation has been
singled out in recent months as something unworthy by our nation's
political leaders, as though the 1.3 million men and women in our
industry are somehow expendable.

Yeah, because the dumb motherfucker was communting to work everyday on a private plane and not reporting flights that he was legally obligated to report. If Obama commuted to the White House on a plane every day from Chicago, I'm guessing we'd see some criticism.



Congressmen have ridiculed businessmen for merely owning a plane and passed laws prohibiting private air travel in companies receiving bail-out funds --
without even allowing the affected firms to prove that their use of a
private plane is just as essential to them as it is to you. Despite
these attacks, personal aviation is a critical tool for many businesses
even when times are tough and profits are scarce , especially if their
competitors are hunkered down and clueless about new opportunities.

Dude...how old are you? Congressmen ask stupid questions. That's what they do. It's shock value and it makes them look bad. Once again, congressmen are freaking idiots. Put no stock into what they say. It's a soap opera.

Now, if it's really profitable for a business to use private aviation, they'll do it. That's what businesses do. They don't care if some retard congressman asked Chrysler's CEO if he's going to go out and sell his private jet on Craigslist after the conference. Woe be the private aviation business that some companies have decided to cut back on PRIVATE PLANES in a RECESSION. You'd think they would just started firing people instead, right? Maybe cut off water and electricity or something. Why private planes!?!?!?!




But my message is not that your use of Air Force One (or
Marine One) is inappropriate. Not at all! It is a great value to the
taxpayers. Even at a million dollars per flight hour, given the time
pressures on our nation's chief executive and the responsibility you
have around the world (not to mention the importance of getting home at
the end of the day to see your family), it is obviously cost effective.
Personal aviation brings your enthusiasm to every corner of our nation
and allows you to arrive refreshed for summit meetings around the world,
anytime, anywhere.

Right. He's the President. He has places to be.



Rather, I want to point out - as I hope someday you will
proudly admit - that thousands of business leaders across America are
just as justified to use private aviation as you, even if their
companies have only a tiny fraction as much red ink on their balance
sheet as your federal government has on its. And it's not just business
leaders: presidents, CEOs, and leaders of universities, foundations,
associations, unions, hospitals, law firms and individuals as diverse as
Tiger Woods, John Travolta, and Yo-Yo Ma all depend on personal aviation
as much as you do.

THEN LET THEM PAY FOR IT. Do you want Obama to step in and foot the bill? Are armed security guards stalking out Yo-Yo Ma and preventing him from flying? If Tiger Woods decides that he wants to save a few bucks and fly Delta to his next tournament, then I'm sorry, but he has that right and you are just SOL, my private plane pimping friend. I'm not going to shed a tear for you or for Tiger Woods.





It's time to stop the populist demonizing. It's time,
instead, to support, if only with words, an outstanding American success
story. Compare our industry and products with all other transportation
modes. We once had five other world-beating transportation sectors:
Our maritime, railroad, mass transit, car, and truck industries were the
finest and largest in the world. Now all these have declined and
millions have lost their jobs. Only in personal aviation are we still
number one in the world. Only in personal aviation do we dominate
markets around the globe. Only in personal aviation were 21st-century
employment levels at all-time highs. And only personal aviation has
become a pariah in Washington. Why?

Because it's expensive as fuck and not necessary for the executives of a company receiving $35 billion in taxpayer buyouts. Tiger Woods isn't receiving a buyout. John Travolta isn't receiving a buyout. GM is. So this issue can be raised. Maybe I just missed it, but I didn't sense any outrage from the exclusive getaway business when AIG was villified for living it up at a California resort with their bailout money. But I'm sure they were fucking PISSED.

But +1 to you, aviation business. You guys sure stuck it to the railroad industry.




Some people say it's just politics. Three tin-ear auto
executives perhaps needed to be criticized, but why shoot every personal
airplane out of the sky?

Sounds like it might be, if true. Examples, please. These are just platitudes.



Others say its envy and a new form of classwarfare. Don't they understand that not everyone has the same transportation requirements? Buses may be fine for some people to get
to work, and bicycles, subways, and taxis for others, but millions of us
need personal automobiles to be effective. It's the same with aviation.
The airlines don't meet the needs of thousands and thousands of
businessmen and women. They need more flexibility, more speed, more
security, more availability, better schedules, and more control. Just
as the President of the United States does!

Nobody is saying that you should take bikes. If you can afford a private plane, then by all means, fly away. But if people can't and want to cut costs, then I'm sorry. Private planes are probably going to be pretty high up on that list, right below "giant cleaning robots".




But it was the President of the United States who denigrated
personal aviation in his address to Congress this week, as so many
politicians have been doing lately. No one wants, as you said in your
speech, "CEOs to use taxpayer money to . disappear on a private jet,"
but is anyone really doing that -- disappearing? What if the CEOs, when
they get on that jet, are actually increasing sales, making investments,
evaluating major projects, delivering speeches, building morale,
motivating their troops, making new loans, expanding plants, exploring
new markets, finding new resources, beating competitors, attracting
investors, and saving their company? Are they allowed to do that -
because most of the time that's what they're doing!

They aren't. That's why they just asked for $35 billion. You may have missed it.

Sorry, Ford. Fly coach until you can lose less than $35 billion a year.

If I tell someone they shouldn't buy a Lambo because they can't afford it, am I denigrating the auto industry? No. Get a fucking Honda.




They're not "disappearing," they're trying to be as active
as possible, doing as much with their 24-hours-a-day as you try to do
with yours. They think it's wrong to just hunker down like a cowering
groundhog. They want to soar, seize the day, and build their
businesses. Isn't that exactly what we need to get out of a recession?
In fact, we need more personal and business aviation activity now than
ever before - it's the get-the-job-done tool that's vital for American
business.

No, the key is not producing way more piss-poor inventory than they can sell. That's what we need to get out of this recession. Look, the CEOs might need to fly private planes if they have a few meetings in one day. But they didn't need to do it to go ask for $35 billion. That's all people are saying. I really don't care either way, but this just sounds like some serious sour grapes.




The fact of the matter is that since mid-November, when our
industry was famously a victim of a drive-by shooting by three auto
executives and a hostile Congressional committee, personal aviation
activity in America has fallen by more than a third. Corporations are
being forced to sell their airplanes and aircraft resale prices have
fallen to the lowest levels in history. Billions of dollars of aircraft
values have disappeared and employment has been slashed at virtually
every aviation business in the country.

Yeah. It's a recession. You hear about it? You realize that the economy has plummeted since this meeting, right? Like, other things have happened that may have influenced the drop in personal aviation. The DOW fell like 3,000 points, too. Was this also a result of the drive-by shooting you mentioned?




But we know that you will continue to use personal aviation.
We know that you depend on it to do your job. Why then is our
government denigrating the thousands of others in all walks of life who
simply want to do the same? You're not the only president in America
who needs to fly.

No, but he needs it a bit more than most. Because he's not making brake pads. I missed the part where we all started making fun of people flying in planes.




So what can you do? First, make promotion of aviation a
reality within the federal government, just as we promote all other
transportation modes. The FAA used to do it, but no more. Tell them
jobs are at stake, because they are.

Jobs are at stake everywhere. DEMAND that people fly in private planes, because James Coyne is losing out on a third of his membership dues.




Second, create a program to foster our nation's
world-leading businesses, like personal aviation. These are exactly the
business sectors that need government as a partner, not an enemy.
Explore ways that government can grow these businesses and expand
exports.

Simple. If people have money, they will fly. If they don't, they won't. Explore alternative methods that may focus on fixing the rest of the economy that normal people use.




Third, integrate private aviation into our total
transportation system more fully. We're losing airports and making it
harder to operate aircraft. Aviation's most important century is at
hand, and yet we ignore it. The FAA is dysfunctional and desperately
needs new leadership and a spirit of innovation.

Expound on this. What you just wrote is meaningless.




Finally, encourage all Americans to be as active as you are.
A dramatic increase in all forms of activity - economic and physical, as
well as political -- is the only thing that will end the recession.

We've been doing this for years. We know people are fat. And I think the last thing we need is more politics, which has done nothing but divide the country in two in the past decade or so.




It is interesting to note that 100 years ago, this year, the
Wright brothers sold their first airplane, to the U.S. Signal Corps.
Called the Wright 1909 Flyer, it was truly the first personal aircraft.
Ever since, the government has supported personal aviation - until now.
Hopefully, this is a brief exception, when political rhetoric fell from
its normally lofty heights and was used hurtfully, perhaps innocently,
in ways that has severely harmed this proud, American industry.

THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT GOING TO TAKE AWAY YOUR PLANE.




But personal aviation isn't asking for a bailout or a line
item in the budget. We only want our government's leaders, who use
personal aviation more than anyone, to acknowledge our value and include
us in their vision of a new America, or as Aretha Franklin might say,
"give us a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T."

What do you want? Do you want Obama to come out and say "planes aren't bad"? Obama, could you just do this for this guy? World's smallest violin for you, the personal aviation industry.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Argument that chaps my balls: Play on words edition!


Lance Armstrong. Yeah, American hero and what not, beat cancer like it was Rihanna's face, has one ball. Great story.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't chap my ball(s) when people say "he's done more with one ball than you and I have done with two!". Well, yeah. He's much better at biking than me, yet I have twice the amount of testicles that he has.

Who the fuck cares? What do testes have to do with biking? And how is only having one ball not an advantage? I can't see how it hurts, at the very least. I mean, that's one less ball to get in the way of his pedaling. No one ever attributed a great stage in the Tour de France to having an abnormally large set of balls.

I just don't get it. Do you get bonus points for symmetry in the Tour? Or maybe you get time added if you can't give a good facial after you cross the finish line? I can't figure it out. Sure, I mean, it's a great story, yeah. I get that. And he's a hell of a worker. But that has nothing to do with Lance Armstrong having one ball, or everyone else having two, or Peter North planning on participating in the 2009 Tour de France.

If Lance deserves mad props for biking with one ball, then the following must also be worthy of praise:

- Paul Newman was able to create a large charitable foundation that benefited countless people in need in spite of his colorblindness.

- 50 Cent was able to rise to his current position as a high-profile rap artist despite having sold drugs as a youth.

- Joe Paterno, in spite of his age, was able to sit in a press box last year as his assistant coaches called all the plays.

- Zinedane Zidane will go down as one of the best soccer players in the history of the sport despite the fact that he lost his hair.

- Emmitt Smith secured the NFL all-time rushing title while fighting a lifelong battle with proper speech and grammar.

- Even though he is Japanese, Takeru Kobayashi was able to eat a fuckload of hotdogs.

- I was able to write this EVEN THOUGH I am currently at work. Wow. Fucking praise me, dicksicles.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Actual Peter King stuff


I wasn't going to do this, but when I saw the actual Peter King MMQB this week, I couldn't resist. And I'm going to leave most of the article alone. However, the "Ten Things I Think" section this week is an absolute gold mine of bad sportswriting.


a. The Houston Texans signed Dan Orlovsky for $9.15 million over three years. Stunning. They really think of Orlovsky as a solid backup quarterback? On what planet?

The planet where he had a decent 8 TD 8 INT performance for one of the worst teams in the history of the NFL? In his first season seeing legitimate NFL playing time? Behind a horrid line? Is it just because he ran out of the endzone on that one play? Because if it is, just admit. It will make a whole lot of sense to a lot of people. Really. Come on, Pete.



b. Fred Taylor, humble, helpful, classic unselfish vet,115 carries this year. Perfect fit in Foxboro.

Yes, New England, the place where they look for classy vets who have yet to rape anybody and who had 115 carries the year before. And he's helpful, as opposed to other teams which look for free agents who walk on the field without pants on and urinate inside of the huddle.



e. You tried on Houshmandzadeh, Seattle. Taking him up in a pontoon plane for a city tour and landing on Lake Washington and walking up on the dock to your practice fields. Cool stuff.

So much better than making him an offer on AOL Instant Messenger, Seattle. Kudos to you.



g. The Cowboys got better at backup with the deal for Jon Kitna.

Which is why they made the deal. Usually, that is the intention of all teams who sign free agents.



h. Yes, David Dunn. The offer in Baltimore for your client, Ray Lewis, is still on the table. But let's not press the issue too much, shall we?

What?



i. Jason Brown, the new St. Louis center, sure made a lot of money last weekend for a guy no one ever heard of last Wednesday.

Funny how the front offices of NFL teams actually watch football games to form their opinions on players. Peter King usually just reads the signals he gets as he gives a player a full body massage.



Might (Marvin Harrison) go to someone's camp this summer? Only if the gets real money to do so.

You heard that, NFL GMs. Marvin Harrison will not be playing in 2009 for ice cream sandwiches.



5. I think our prayers go out to the people lost at sea off the Florida coast, including NFLers Marquis Cooper of the Raiders and Corey Smith of the Lions. Can we hope there are tiny islands they might have found? Our sincere good wishes and prayers to the families.

If not on a random uninhabited island, perhaps they were adopted by a school of tropical fish? We can only hope.



6. I think you've got to be kidding, Brandon Marshall. Disorderly conduct in Atlanta over the weekend? That's got to be a suspension.

Holy fucking fuck, Brandon Marshall. Disorderly conduct in Atlanta? ON A WEEKEND?!?!? You are lucky they closed Guantanamo.



a. I'm dying to know what illegal substances the writers of Family Guy are on when they write that show.

We know. You mention it every week. We get it, Family Guy is weird. Maybe they eat Cleverbars filled with chocolate jokecream every morning for breakfast? Or maybe they are just many, many times better at writing things than you are.




b. I'll pay $50 to the first person who ends winter.

I'll make it $100 if they give Peter King smallpox when they collect it.



c. I was ready to clobber my New Jersey Devils for sending goalie Scott Clemmensen to the minors the other day to make room for Martin Brodeur's return. Clemmensen was playing as well as Brodeur has in recent year -- and he did it for three solid months. It just seemed unfair and so cruel to send the guy down. Well, Brodeur came back Thursday night. He played Thursday, Saturday and Sunday, allowed two goals total, and registered the 99th and 100th shutouts of his career. What a franchise.

After reading your thoughts on things other than NFL players that you talked to on the phone, I'm sure the Devils would not have given the slightest of damns what you thought of their roster moves.



d. Coffeenerdness: Mitch Puin, you threw me a lifesaver Sunday at the Upper Montclair Starbucks, and you know it. I owe you big time for rescuing me in my need-a-fix time when I was wallet-less and needed help getting through the checkout. Thank you.

...did Peter King just suck dick for coffee? Peter...you have an addiction. You need help. And you need it now.



e. New York, and not only the football fans, is really going to like Bart Scott.

Uhhh...who else is going to like Bart Scott? The strippers? The homosexual community? Is someone seriously going to wake up and say, "you know what, fuck football, but I really like Bart Scott".



g. Walked into the family room Sunday night and there was Steve Buscemi getting ready to whack the old man in Fargo, and it was all I could do to keep from sitting down to watch the rest. What a movie.

This has no business being printed by a respectable sports medium. Why do you think we care, Peter?




I'm not feeling it today. But I had to write something. This will suffice for now.

MMQB

By Peter King - CNNSI.com


The seas can be a metaphor for football. Just as in the seas, teams in the NFL rise and fall with a sort of unpredictable regularity. Rapidly forming storms can destroy what was once a calm ocean of a season, minus the fact that you can't drink the water because it tastes saltier than Brett Favre's "4 Juice".

However, sometimes in the real seas, you can fall off of a boat and drown. Oakland's Marquise Cooper and Detroit's Corey Smith may have suffered this fate as the boat they were boating on was lost at sea on the Gulf over the weekend. And these are two very well respected young men, as I can attest to from experience.

Some time around 2004, when the two men were teammates with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I had the pleasure of talking to them for approximately 35 minutes on Jeff Garcia's shower habits. Cooper laughed and noted that Garcia was notorious around One Buc Place for his impeccable genital-grooming habits and extremely well-manicured strips of red pubic hair around his penis. Smith swore up and down while signing footballs for some children at camp that Garcia wears a custom-made merkin because "no human being can trim their pubes that precisely". Smith heroically did not complain at all about having to sign footballs for the kids for 30 minutes, despite the fact that it was hotter than Hades out there in the Tampa sun and the kids were spitting on him. It would truly be a shame to lose these men at an age far to young for men to be lost.

It just serves to remind us all that we need to respect the seas.

Peter King is intrigued by Jeff Garcia's pubic upkeep.

That being said, the offseason has shaped up to be as wild as the aforementioned seas. Where else other than the NFL would Bart Scott, a linebacker, be paid millions of dollars to tackle human beings? "I have no...what?", Scott mentioned when I initiated a gchat yesterday. "Uhh, I guess no other sport?". I simply responded with "just makin' a joke Bart :)", after which we shared a few more lines of text before his status changed to "busy". And of course, Bart is going to be busy preparing to play in New York this season under his old DC Rex Ryan. Good signing, the Jets. You got yourselves a real busy bee of a linebacker.

But perhaps even crazier was what happened between Kansas City and New England. Last year's sensation Matt Cassel was traded to Kansas City along with Mike Vrabel for nothing more than the 34th overall pick in the upcoming draft, a small price to pay for a signal-caller who proved himself one of the league's best over the last season. Where else but America can a guy one day be a Patriot and then the next day be some sort of Indian? GM Scott Pioli really pulled off a heist getting Cassel and Vrabel for the 34th overall pick, although with Bill Belichick on the other side you can never be certain. Could Cassel have AIDS? "We have no record of Matt Cassel having AIDS", said Sherry, a receptionist at a Boston-area family planning center that I called over the weekend. A call to Cassel himself was unreturned. Matt, just a helpful Peter King hint, you should really come out and respond to my calls if you have nothing to hide. Or do you?

Could Matt Cassel be playing with AIDS?

Even stranger happenings may have transpirted in Denver under new head coach and Belichick disciple Josh McDaniels. Rumor has it that Denver, even with current Pro Bowl QB Jay Cutler, interjected themselves into the Cassel sweepstakes in a trade that would have sent Cassel to Denver, Cutler to Tampa, and Bucs draft picks to New England. McDaniels denies that this happened, but Cutler has a different view of the story. I randomly showed up at his front door yesterday and after convincing him not to call the police, I managed to chat with him for a few minutes. "Yeah, man, I mean, whatever. It's not a huge deal, but it's kind of fucked up. I mean, a little bit. Kind of. Man, if they don't want me, that's like, I mean, that's fine. It's the business, I guess". I was then escorted off of the premises.

TEN THINGS I THINK ABOUT FOOTBALL

1. I think that the Denver Broncos really messed up by shopping Jay Cutler around to get Matt Cassel.

a. But I see where they were coming from.

ab. But still.

2. I think Brett Favre can still play in this league.

q. But I think he's for real when he says he's done.

&. The Jets are going to have a hard time replacing a legend at QB.

*. I think the Jets should play the upcoming preseason games in Wrangler jeans as a tribute.

3. I think my daughter wants to fuck Asante Samuel.

4. Are you kidding me, Steelers? James Harrison wants a new contract, and he deserves it. Pay the man.

~. Unless he's asking for too much, in which case you can't pay him.

5. Seriously, how funny-shaped are footballs? Like, they aren't really even balls.

a. Trust me, I know balls.

6. I think the Lions will win more games next year than they did this year.

7. I think Albert Haynesworth is pretty hot for a defensive tackle.

8. Sage Rosenfels is an instant upgrade over Tarvaris Jackson in Minnesota.

a. It's not an upgrade just because Jackson is black.

z. It's because he's black and sucks at football.

zzzz. I still wish the Vikings would have waited until Black History Month was over to make this trade and piss right in the face of their black QB.

growllll. Still, it's not because he's black. It's because he sucks.

Tarvaris Jackson is a God-awful football player.

9. I think I should mention that I have the solution to the NFL's overtime rules again.

paws. Just give each team one possession, and then if they are still tied it's sudden death from there.

penises. Sure, it's still unfair, but not as unfair, I don't think.

#. It's fair enough. I think it's genius. Roger Goodell, are you reading this?

i. I like you, Roger.

10. Note to the Lions: If you pick a QB of the future with the first overall pick, be careful with him.

a. Like seriously, don't fuck him in the shower and shit like that.

b. He's not going to be effective on the field if you gang-rape him in the shower.

Jay Fiedler. Trust me on this one, Lions.



Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

On the plane to Jay Cutler's house, I was sitting next to a young whippersnapper in a G-Unit shirt who looked all of 17 years old. Big jeans on, perhaps three sizes too big. I could see his dick. And as he pulls out his iPod, what do I hear? Lo and behold, it's rap music. Pimps and hoes, bitches and tricks. What happened to the good old days in the music industry? Kid, if you want to listen to black people make music, check out some Otis Redding or some Sam Cooke. But spare me the TI stuff. Knowing that this kid was listening to Young Jeezy talk about coke and gun use ruined the entire flight experience for me, and I could not visualize the coffee I was about to pour all over myself naked upon landing. Mary Beth, I hope you aren't listening to this crap and dancing topless on tables when you go out with your friends. Because I'll beat the everliving fuck out of you.

Coffeenerdness

Can you believe that when I landed and got to the nearest Starbucks, the barrista looked disinterested to hear my story from the plane? Here I am, with a great tale of rap-induced plane stress, and the 16-year old fresh faced young lady behind the counter goes through the motions with a blank stare on her face as I tell her of my plight. Come on Starbucks, you're better than this. "Melody", I'm sure that if you don't want to take your job seriously, Starbucks can find somebody else who will. I mean, we are in a recession. Kids these days. Can you believe them? We can only hope that this generation wises up as they grow older.