Monday, March 2, 2009

Actual Peter King stuff

I wasn't going to do this, but when I saw the actual Peter King MMQB this week, I couldn't resist. And I'm going to leave most of the article alone. However, the "Ten Things I Think" section this week is an absolute gold mine of bad sportswriting.

a. The Houston Texans signed Dan Orlovsky for $9.15 million over three years. Stunning. They really think of Orlovsky as a solid backup quarterback? On what planet?

The planet where he had a decent 8 TD 8 INT performance for one of the worst teams in the history of the NFL? In his first season seeing legitimate NFL playing time? Behind a horrid line? Is it just because he ran out of the endzone on that one play? Because if it is, just admit. It will make a whole lot of sense to a lot of people. Really. Come on, Pete.

b. Fred Taylor, humble, helpful, classic unselfish vet,115 carries this year. Perfect fit in Foxboro.

Yes, New England, the place where they look for classy vets who have yet to rape anybody and who had 115 carries the year before. And he's helpful, as opposed to other teams which look for free agents who walk on the field without pants on and urinate inside of the huddle.

e. You tried on Houshmandzadeh, Seattle. Taking him up in a pontoon plane for a city tour and landing on Lake Washington and walking up on the dock to your practice fields. Cool stuff.

So much better than making him an offer on AOL Instant Messenger, Seattle. Kudos to you.

g. The Cowboys got better at backup with the deal for Jon Kitna.

Which is why they made the deal. Usually, that is the intention of all teams who sign free agents.

h. Yes, David Dunn. The offer in Baltimore for your client, Ray Lewis, is still on the table. But let's not press the issue too much, shall we?


i. Jason Brown, the new St. Louis center, sure made a lot of money last weekend for a guy no one ever heard of last Wednesday.

Funny how the front offices of NFL teams actually watch football games to form their opinions on players. Peter King usually just reads the signals he gets as he gives a player a full body massage.

Might (Marvin Harrison) go to someone's camp this summer? Only if the gets real money to do so.

You heard that, NFL GMs. Marvin Harrison will not be playing in 2009 for ice cream sandwiches.

5. I think our prayers go out to the people lost at sea off the Florida coast, including NFLers Marquis Cooper of the Raiders and Corey Smith of the Lions. Can we hope there are tiny islands they might have found? Our sincere good wishes and prayers to the families.

If not on a random uninhabited island, perhaps they were adopted by a school of tropical fish? We can only hope.

6. I think you've got to be kidding, Brandon Marshall. Disorderly conduct in Atlanta over the weekend? That's got to be a suspension.

Holy fucking fuck, Brandon Marshall. Disorderly conduct in Atlanta? ON A WEEKEND?!?!? You are lucky they closed Guantanamo.

a. I'm dying to know what illegal substances the writers of Family Guy are on when they write that show.

We know. You mention it every week. We get it, Family Guy is weird. Maybe they eat Cleverbars filled with chocolate jokecream every morning for breakfast? Or maybe they are just many, many times better at writing things than you are.

b. I'll pay $50 to the first person who ends winter.

I'll make it $100 if they give Peter King smallpox when they collect it.

c. I was ready to clobber my New Jersey Devils for sending goalie Scott Clemmensen to the minors the other day to make room for Martin Brodeur's return. Clemmensen was playing as well as Brodeur has in recent year -- and he did it for three solid months. It just seemed unfair and so cruel to send the guy down. Well, Brodeur came back Thursday night. He played Thursday, Saturday and Sunday, allowed two goals total, and registered the 99th and 100th shutouts of his career. What a franchise.

After reading your thoughts on things other than NFL players that you talked to on the phone, I'm sure the Devils would not have given the slightest of damns what you thought of their roster moves.

d. Coffeenerdness: Mitch Puin, you threw me a lifesaver Sunday at the Upper Montclair Starbucks, and you know it. I owe you big time for rescuing me in my need-a-fix time when I was wallet-less and needed help getting through the checkout. Thank you.

...did Peter King just suck dick for coffee? have an addiction. You need help. And you need it now.

e. New York, and not only the football fans, is really going to like Bart Scott.

Uhhh...who else is going to like Bart Scott? The strippers? The homosexual community? Is someone seriously going to wake up and say, "you know what, fuck football, but I really like Bart Scott".

g. Walked into the family room Sunday night and there was Steve Buscemi getting ready to whack the old man in Fargo, and it was all I could do to keep from sitting down to watch the rest. What a movie.

This has no business being printed by a respectable sports medium. Why do you think we care, Peter?

I'm not feeling it today. But I had to write something. This will suffice for now.

No comments: