Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tom Cable, you are a moron
Hey, Coach Cabes! The portly red-bearded gentleman above is homeless Raiders coach Tom Cable, who just divulged with one of his lesser informed opinions at a recent press conference.
“In baseball, it’s the New York Yankees. In basketball, it’s the Boston Celtics. And in football, it’s the Oakland Raiders….We’re no different than those other two.”
What did you just say, Cabes?
You are putting the Raiders, they of the 3 Super Bowls with the most recent being 26 years ago against the two teams with the most championships in the NBA and MLB, respectively? Each with over 15 titles, a few of which are actually recent?
The f-ing Raiders?!?!?! The Raiders have been a joke for about 6 years now since they lost to former coach Jon Gruden and his band of merry men in the 2003 Super Bowl, and you are calling them one of the most storied franchises in sport? In the NFL, I think Cowboys, Steelers, 49ers, Patriots (unfortunately), probably Packers, Bears, and possibly even Broncos before I think Raiders. The Raiders might not even have the most historical lore in their own division, let alone across three entire leagues (Cabes neglected to mention an NHL team in his analogy, so I'll just leave them out).
To be fair, Cabes also made the following comparisons during the press conference:
"I think of the three members of the Holy Trinity; the Father, the Son, and then one of my nuns from 3rd grade Catholic school."
"It really comes down to the three P's; Preparation, Persistance, and the Pennsylvania Mountain Lion."
"Usually, three major meats come to mind. You have your steak, then you have your chicken, and then after that it's probably pot roast."
"I only listen to the good rappers. Nas, Jay-Z and Soulja Boy for me."
"Yeah man, I was fucking like, three chicks in my dream. I tagged Kim Kardashian, got a BJ from Keeley Hazell and then blew it in Roseanne's face."
"Our season will be defined by three color-schemes...black and white, for our simple offense, black and blue, for our physical gameplay, and then blacks-on-blondes, because that's what I like to jack it to in my office."
"It essentially came down to three potential places to move to; New York City, Los Angeles, and some fucking shack in the middle Manitoba."
"Yeah, I did three essential things to the car to keep it running smoothly; changed the oil, changed the transmission fluid, and then I vacuumed the interior."
"We took every single precaution we could against a pregnancy. I used a condom, my wife was on the pill, and then I punched her right in the face."