Friday, June 27, 2008

The gayest periods in American history

Honorable Mention: The late 1700's


Oh God, is that gay. Everybody was prancing around in tights and wigs and talking like fucking douchebags. This document bestows unto thee etc. etc. Ridiculous. I wonder how you talked dirty to your prostitutes? Oh, that's right, you probably didn't. Because you were gay and out banging dudes in powdered wigs. And using quill pens. How gay is a quill pen? Very. Very gay.


Number 3: The 1970's


No doubt. Look at that fucking skank. Everybody was so gay for Disco in the '70s that it was almost enough to vault it into the top 3 by itself. Those gay pants, gay shirts, gay dances, pretty much the epitome of gay expression. There's is really no better way to say "Gayness? Yeah, I'm cool with that" through your actions and body language. This had to be the time frame in which Nair was invented. Nair, by the way, is simply made of ball sweat that has been allowed to sit for 3 days and solidify. Just rub that all over your body, baby.

But that's not all the '70s had for gayness. Sure, all of the hippies and treehuggers started hugging trees and everything during the '60s, but these movements didn't really take off until the '70s. What is gayer than environmentalism? Plus, at least in the '60s they were dropping acid and fucking each other. In the '70s, they just seemed to stop doing so. Plus, the hip drug was cocaine, and nothing makes you want to suck some dick than coke. You'll even suck dick for coke. Suck some dick for something that makes you want to suck some dick? Fuck yeah. Sign me up.

Feminism also took off in the 1970s, and you know that there is nothing gayer than lesbians who could fix the alternator on your pickup truck. To celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Amendment legalizing women's suffrage (fortunately, woman's sufferage has always been legal), a bunch of feminists banded together and voted to shotgun PBRs and piss all over each other through their camo shorts. Jeez. Talk about gay history.



Number 2: The 1980's


The difference between the rest of the eras and the 80's is the difference between figurative gayness and actual, literal gayness. And it is hard to top the '80s for actual gayness. Dudes were banging each other in gay bathhouses all over the country and spreading AIDS like birth defects at Chernobyl. Dudes were flying all over the country to fuck other dudes. That's pretty gay. Nearly 1 in 2 people had AIDS in 1986, however, Ronald Reagan was able to pray away much of the spread around this time. Doesn't make it any less gay.

On top of the actual gayness, the music was gay. Catchy, but gay. Many people took the challenge to dress even gayer than they did in the '70s, and most were able to pull it off. Doesn't get much gayer than some chick in a spandex leotard singing along to "Let's Get Physical". Also, after AIDS hit, a lot of people were automatically outed as gays and gayness started to become acceptable in the world. And what is gayer than the acceptance of gayness? I racked my brain to think of an answer but all I could hear were lyrics to Steve Winwood songs.



Number 1: The 1920's


Can't let literal gayness beat figurative gayness. And in that respect, nothing touches the "Roaring Twenties". Grrrrrrrrr! Ohhhh, stop clawing me! God, were they gay. They had gay slang, they were all in black and white, they had gay primitive videos where everything moved about so quick and gayly, and even their little cars were gay looking. They were like those gay Scions without the horsepower.

Weird, even as America was all ego-trippin' after doing work in WWI, you don't hear about baby boomers from the 1920's. Why's that? Because they probably weren't having heterosexual sex with each other. Swing music was big. So were books. Swing music and books? And plays? That almost makes you go gay just reading about it. Plus, everybody was closet-gay. J. Edgar Hoover was prancing around in dresses, for fuck's sake. And, alcohol was illegal, as this was in the midst of prohibition. No alcohol? Swing music? Cocks were being shoved together like immigrants in box trucks at this point. Like snakes crawling all over each other. At the same time, the women who had just received the right to vote didn't even realize it yet because they hadn't taken their face out of the nearest snatch in 8 years. What a bunch of big band swing-dancing homos. Everybody should be glad they didn't grow up in the '20s.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I'm going to get a tattoo of Martin Luther King, Jr.


Jeez, how am I going to prove to all of these people that I'm not racist? I've told them how many black friends I have (like, at least 10). I've even reproduced an 8th grade yearbook complete with signatures in the back from black friends.

What am I going to do? I could get a Thug Life tat on my stomach.


But, 2Pac didn't even color in the bubble letters and I think that it looks kind of tacky.

I think the only thing left for me to do is to get a tattoo of Martin Luther King, Jr. Then, how can anybody accuse me of racism? No matter what I say, all I'll have to do is pull up my shirt and show them the giant MLK tat right on my back. How could I have any racism in me at all?


That's what I thought.

Rohypnol


Roofies: NO MEANS zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh yeah. But really...who wants to take advantage of a lifeless body? Isn't that just the classier cousin of necrophilia? Oh, yeah, she's breathing. Congratulations. Maybe she'll give you a breath job. Personally, I'd rather get some rope and tie them to my bed post. Unfortunately, I don't have a headboard on my bed. Just a mattress. I live like a struggling artist, when in reality, I really just don't feel like buying a bed. I'd rather support my increasingly expensive cross dressing habit. I've found that I look best in electric blue.

But at $5 a pill? I can spend my money worse than that. That doesn't even cover lunch at Taco Bell. So, to tell you the truth, I'm not quite sure where I stand on date-rape right now. I'll let you know. Let me think about it for a bit.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Moderate safe search?


NO! God damn it, Google, I'm 24. Ok? I can handle seeing some tits when I search for "tits". What. The. Fuck. I don't type in "naked women" expecting to see pictures that some fuck painted of half a tit in 1678. I want to see some chick sticking a flagpole up her vag. Moderate safe search. Are you kidding me? Why do you always do this to me? If "Venn Diagram" happens to bring up some chick pushing her tits together, then so be it! Don't shield me from these exciting (and desirable) hidden treasures! You keep fucking around and I'll start asking Jeeves.

And you know Jeeves knows where to find some skeezy crack-whores.

Let's talk weather


Oh man, it's freaking blazin' out there! It's hot as balls!

Correction...it is not "hot as balls". That is a nonsensical statement. Look. You've heard cold as balls. You've heard hot as balls. Obviously, balls are not some kind of temperature chameleon that can blend in and assume any fucking temperature they want. These are not magic balls. So let's get this straight once and for all.

I propose leaving "cold as balls" as is. Mainly, because it is simple. If we allow the default "...as balls" temperature to be cold, we can also use it to describe heat with a minor modification. Assuming that balls is not a temperature, but more of a multiplier or a qualifier, we can assume the balls value on a nice, temperate day to hover around a base value of zero. Assigning a zero-value to this level will make the rest of the calculations very simple. Thus, on a cold day, being "cold as balls" will assume a negative value for the "balls multiplier" that we are assigning to the temperature. "Hey, Vern, it's like 260 degrees out here!", a friend might mention to me. "I know, it's cold as balls!", I'd say. Note that my friends and I use the Kelvin scale, and as such, 260 degrees Kelvin is actually equal to -13.15 degrees Celsius, or 8.33 degrees Fahrenheit. Cold as balls, indeed.

Now how do we flip this to measure heat? Simple. What is the absolute value of a negative number? Simply the positive value of it, denoting it's distance from zero. Aha! So, when it's 95 freaking degrees (Fahrenheit) outside, you can use the positive value of the balls multiplier by saying that it is as hot as the absolute value of balls. Or just absolute balls, which would be acceptable colloquially. "Hey, Vern, it's fucking hot as absolute balls out here!". Know what you are talking about, people. Let's make this world a better place.

Call me Captain Justice


Now y'all know I've had my share of troubles over the past couple of years, and I am well aware that I have no one other than myself to blame. Which is why, as you probably know, I've decided to drop the "Pacman" moniker and all of the trials and tribulations that are unfortunately (but fairly) attributed to it. So, I decided that I will be going by Adam now. My moms is the only one still allowed to call me Pacman without getting a fucking right hook to...I mean, without receiving a stern verbal reprimand from me about respect. To show that I am serious about this, I will remove these sinful dreads that have also come to be associated with attempted murder.


That felt great. I feel like I just lost 20 lbs. of sin. But I don't think that this is enough. And, truth be told, I kind of liked having a cool nickname like Pac. So, I have decided that I do not want to go by Adam anymore. I'd like to announce to the media, the NFL, and, of course, to the fans, that I will be going by "Captain Justice" now. Please, when you write a story about how I was sighted at a strip club at 3 am, say, "Hey, Captain Justice was spotted at a strip club at 3 am last night, likely in an attempt to bring order to the debauchery and chaos that was dollar PBR night". Pacman loves....I mean, Captain Justice loves his occasional PBR. You know, to calm him down.

So kids, if your parents told y'all that y'all weren't allowed to be a Pacman fan, see how they feel about you being a Captain Justice fan. Y'all kids know Captain Justice wouldn't do any wrong. Captain Justice is just tryna bring a little justice to the world, and intercept a couple passes every now and then. Captain Justice done turned his life around, and I just wanted to make y'all aware of that fact. No more making it rain with $30,000 for me. No more shooting at...I mean, no more knowing people who...wait, let's just not mention the nightclub shooting. I mean, that thing that happened in Vegas. Y'all know what I mean. See, Captain Justice can barely even remember what that was about because there was no justice involved. I only deal with peace now, y'all. So, like, Mr. President, if you need an ambassador to West Virginia or something like that, you know where to find Captain Justice.

Hey, it's been real, but Captain Justice has to get out to the practice field, y'all. My life's all about football now. Fuck bitches, get money, ya know? See y'all out on the field.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Craigslist Experiment

Let's see what this nets me. Probably an endless array of South Florida whores ready and willing to be on the receiving end of the pleasure piston.


LINKAGE



-------------------------------------

As follows:

-------------------------------------

You could use a fist in your vagina (m4w) - 24 (Davie, FL)


Elbow deep. That's how I roll. I will fist you down to my forearms. And my forearms aren't huge, but I do work out a bit, so they are pretty hard. And have a lot of veins. So it will probably feel good. Real good. Don't believe me? Well, let's find out. Live your life with no regrets. Respond to this message. I'll come right over and punch you in the fucking vagina. Ever see those things in bars where you punch the speed bag type thing and it gives you a score? Well, if they had one like a vagina, I'd be over 950. These shoulder ligaments are fast twitch and they were made for fisting. Fists of fucking fury, baby. I will stretch you further than the credit of one of those $30,000-K South Florida douchebags driving Benzes. I will go so far past the G-spot that I might choke you to death from the inside. But it will feel good.

Listen. When it comes to fisting, I should probably bring DJ Khaled with me, so right before I throw my arm down your reproductive cavity, he can sit there and shout "WE THE BESSSTTTT!". Because I am the best. I am to fisting what Charlie Crist is to sucking dick on the DL. Or what Laci Peterson wasn't to swimming. The opposite. Yeah. That's me. I fill a hole in your life, and that pun was so intended that I actually sprained two of my fingers typing it out. I mean it that badly. That. Fucking. Badly. You want me to take my rings off? No. I don't even wear rings, but I'm insulted nonetheless that you'd even ask. I'll put on a huge ring just to spite you. These rings will be bigger than Sonic the Hedgehog's. How's that feel? Are you bleeding? Too bad. Should have scotch-guarded this furniture.

But it doesn't have to be all animosity between us. I'm here for one thing, to make you feel good. I know you haven't had a good elbow-deep fisting in awhile. That's why you called me. And I'm not just going to come over wearing flip-flops and an Affliction t-shirt. No way. Let's make a show of this. I will show up to your door in full fucking Medieval chainmail. Wielding one of those spiked balls on a stick. You'll pretty much be wetter than the Everglades at this point. Sliding my fist down your vagina will be easier than getting shot in Hialeah. I am to fisting what Key West is to the homeless...the pinnacle. The apex. THE MECCA. How could you turn this down? Don't be a fucking idiot. You don't even have to give me anything. Wanna jack me off? Cool. But I don't need it. I work off much less than the other guys. I'm like a Scion.

So don't blow this opportunity. I don't come on Craigslist everyday looking for somewhere to bury half of my arm. Let me tear you apart like R. Kelly on a hymen. I'll make you remember this day. You'll get nostalgic every time you see somebody get stuck in a Chinese fingertrap. I'll make you feel like a vise grip once I get down to the triceps. I want to make you feel good, you saucy little minx, you. I've included a picture of me wearing a Jim Harbaugh throwback jersey, just so you know that I'm for real. That's my medieval chainmail in the back, hanging on my...uh, medieval chainmail hanging thing. Hit me up.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I need a Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of groceries right now in the VIP section!!!!!!!


*High pitched laughter* ahhahahahahahhahaah, Weezy! Young money millionaire! Young money cash money crack money got money ahahahhaahaahahahaha!

Yo, I'm just reppin' my city of New Orleans tryna rebuild after Katrina! We runnin' the young money cash money food money food drive here in Rwanda! Tryna get some groceries for these kids, ya dig? T-Pain!


Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, got foooooooood, seeeeeeeyeeeeeeyeeeeend it to our food drive, in Rwandaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhh


Yesssssirrrrr!!!!! Gimme dat Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of Winn-Dixie groceries! We in the VIP section of Kigali, Rwanda! Kids gotta eat!!!! Young money!!!!! Hahahahahahahhahaaaaaa!!! Hey yo my swag gonna get y'all to send some canned peas over here dog or Imma kill y'all!!! Weezy!!! N.O.!!!!! Do it for your city!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

How to impress 13 year old girls


Let's face it. It's getting harder and harder to impress 21+ year old women these days without just walking up and showing your penis to them. Money works, but if you are like me, then you don't have any. Something like a Lamborghini would do the trick, but that usually requires money. Magic tricks might work, but magicians never give away their secrets. So, short of magic or juggling, it has become very hard these days to impress women. Rapping to them doesn't hold the same appeal that it used to back when everyone was afraid of black people.

But never fear.

13 year old girls are very easy to impress. Sure, you can't do anything with them, but you might sleep easier knowing that you just impressed the fuck out of some young 8th-grader. And it's probably a whole lot easier than you think. Here are some three tips.

Step 1: Drive a car


"Is that your '01 Chevy Cavalier? That's so cool!"

That's right, folks. A 13 year old girl will think you are cool even if you are just driving a Chevy Cavalier. Or even a Subaru Legacy. Trust me. Why, you ask? Because 13 year old girls can't drive. And if you aren't in Florida, then they probably don't even know what a Benz is or at least are unaware of what makes an Audi R8 any better than a Ford Taurus. Even better, a 13 year old girl will be impressed if you drive by with the windows down and the FM radio blasting, even if there isn't any music on it right now and it's just playing an ad for the hair salon down the street. 13 year old girls probably don't even know how gay hair salons are yet. Look at you, you big stud. Look at those 14-inch hubcaps spin.


Step 2: Have a cell phone


13 year old girls love cell phones. I really cannot overstate how cool they find them to be. Bonus points if you have one of those bluetooth adapter things on your ear. You'll be the coolest guy at the junior high when you hop out of your Oldsmobile while calling Verizon to check your monthly text message usage.

Speaking of text messages, 13 year old girls will find you even cooler if you show advanced levels of proficiency in T9Word, a language that most of them speak fluently. Even if you do not, open up your phone, randomly press buttons, and snap it shut. Yeah. Pretend that you do. It doesn't matter. They are 13 year old girls, they are going to think you are cool regardless. Also, have a friend call you right as you walk past a pack of 13 year old girls so that your phone rings and they can hear your Fallout Boy ringtone. You'll impress the young, fertile fuck out of them.


Step 3: Touch the rim


13 year old girls spend much of their days around 13 year old boys. And part of this time is spent at recess or in gym class, where there will likely be a basketball rim nearby. These 13 year old boys will probably try to jump up and touch the rim, but most, if not all, will be lucky just to get the net.

But you? You can probably touch the rim pretty easily, if not hang on it. This will impress the hell out of that pack of 13 year old girls listening to their iPod Shuffles over there. This will show them just how much cooler you are than your 13 year old male counterparts, after which you can put the icing on the cake by pulling out your cell phone as you hop in your Cavalier. Sure, it's not like this actually accomplished anything for you, but you will be able to drive home (with the tank on E, of course) a happy man, knowing that you impressed some females today. You are a real badass, dude. Oh yeah.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Lock your doors, or Greg Lloyd is going to kill your entire family


The first rule that you need to know when dealing with Greg Lloyd is that you are never safe. Hell, Greg Lloyd isn't even safe from Greg Lloyd. Second rule is that Greg Lloyd could be anywhere. Greg Lloyd might be in the bushes in your front yard. Greg Lloyd might actually plant bushes in your front yard and then hide in them. So, if you didn't have bushes before, but notice that you do now, you probably have a Greg Lloyd problem to deal with. I would call Dog the Bounty Hunter.


If there is one thing that Dog hates more than shirts with sleeves, it's black people. He'll do his best to eradicate your Greg Lloyd infestation.

However, you should still lock your doors, because you never know when Greg Lloyd is going to decide to enter your house and kill your entire family. He may attempt to break in, so padlock the door. And bar the windows if there is even a hint of a chance of Greg Lloyd being in the area.

Greg Lloyd will also attempt to fuck the exhaust pipe on your Honda Accord. LET HIM. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, attempt to stop Greg Lloyd from fucking your exhaust pipe. Greg Lloyd has killed over far lesser infractions. If you are still concerned about Greg Lloyd penetrating your car, garage it. However, Greg Lloyd may attempt to break through your garage door, which will likely wake up your family. Do not allow Greg Lloyd to know that he just woke up your family, or he will kill them.

Despite having not played football in years, Greg Lloyd has been known to hunt in full uniform.



Motion detecting lights will not deter Greg Lloyd, as Greg Lloyd has been known to attack in broad daylight and really doesn't give a fuck if anyone sees him as he walks into your house and kills your family. The only you can do at this point is pray. I wish you and your family luck.

OMG, Obama is going to change the National Anthem to rap!



OMG, have you heard! Obama is planning on creating a new anthem, performed by Young Jeezy!


Have you ever heard Young Jeezy??? He's so violent and...he's so black! OMG he talks about drugs and knives and like, swords! DID YOU HEAR ME???? SWORDS!!!!!!

Omg, did you see Obama give his wife that fist pound last week? Are they even married? I bet they aren't!


They call it dapping. Presidents do not dap! They shake hands! Or chest bump!


And open-mouth kiss other dudes that have beards!


That looks hot. Obama, on the other hand, is going to make food stamps the official currency! Because he's like, half black! Obama listens to 2Pac! 2PAC ALSO RAPPED ABOUT SWORDS!!!


He's a black Muslim! God save us! Obama is going to kill all of the white people!

Friday, June 6, 2008

Patrick Swayze fucking loves horses


Maybe a little too much, eh? Look at that motherfucker. He is caressing the absolute horsefuck out of that horse. And it is a gay looking horse as is, before being ridden like a magical peach in the fruitiest field full of fruit that you have ever seen in your life. And that little candy-cane harness thing...jeez, Swayze, let that horse live a little. That horse wants to be out fucking other horses of the opposite horsesex (not sure if that's a male with a huge horsecock or a female with a huge horsegina). Listen, just because you can dance a little bit doesn't mean it's ok for you to rape horses. I thought this was covered in middle school.

Come on, just look at the damn horse! Its eyes are crying out for help, like big, orb-y rape whistles. But no one pays the horse any mind, as Swayze just brightens his smile and penetrates a little deeper. And then a little more. NEIGH MEANS NEIGH, SWAYZE!!!!!

Chris Osgood holds giant penises



That is just sick, Osgood. Sick.

It's just Manny being Manny



This guy really robbed a convenience store in broad daylight? I mean, I know we have a lot of other crimes to worry about in Orlando, but did he really think he would get away with this?

And is this place really called the fucking Grocery Box?

Sir, what in the hell were you thinking?



Aye, you know, I was just hungry and I want food cause I was hungry. You know, whatareyagonnado when you hungry? Just get some food, yaknow?


LOL! Oh, man, Officer Biggie Smalls, I really thought something serious like armed robbery was going on here. Looks like it's just another case of Manny being Manny. Manny, you crack us up!


LOL!


LOL!


LOL!


LOL!

Assless Jeans



You'll be rubbing up against more than your car. Come on, Wrangler, get on this.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

A day with DJ Khaled



-----------------
From: James Woodson (Jwood@Parkville.al.us.gov)
To: Vern xxxxxxxx (Vern@xxxxx.com)
Sent: Wednesday, June 4, 2008, 8:32 am
Subject: Brochures

Vern,

Thank you for the information on the Parkville City plant. Can you send me some brochures and layout information so I can forward it on to Bob Hudson?

Thanks,

J.W.


------------------
From: Vern xxxxxxxx (Vern@xxxxx.com)
To: James Woodson (Jwood@Parkville.al.us.gov)
Sent: Wednesday, June 4, 2008, 8:53 am
Subject: Re: Brochures

LISSSSSSSTENNNNN UPPPPP!!!!!!

DJ KHALED!!!!!

WE THE BEST!!!!!! WHO???? WEEEEEE PLAYAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

LET ME INTRODUCE MY BOY VERN....VERN, LET'S SEND BROCHURES!!!!!


James, the brochures are attached. I will get some DWG files made up for Bob.

- Vern





What would you like today, sir?



D J!!!!

KHALED!!!!!

WE THE BEST!!!!!

VERN....GET THAT ULTIMATE SUB!!!!!


Uh...thanks, Khaled. I'll go with a whole ultimate on white, no mayo. Throw some lettuce, tomato, and onions on there as well. Thanks.



DJ KHALED!!!! WE THE BEST!!!!!

WE GLOBAL!!!!!

TERROR SQUAD!!!!!

VERN....LET'S GET MONEY!!!!!

*does one bench press rep*

ONEEEEEE REP!!!!

LISSSSSTENNNNNN UP

VERN...LET'S GET ANOTHER REP!!!!!

*does second bench press rep*

YEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! WE THE BEST!!!!!!

WE GETTIN REPS!!!!!

VERN....REP IT FOR THE HOOD!!!!!

*does third bench press rep*

WE THE BEST!!!!!!

WHO?

WEEEEEE


KHALED! SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!! God damn it, man!!!!!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

99 problems but a bitch ain't one


Yep. So I've always wondered what Jay-Z's 99 problems were, as he famously opined in his song...well, "99 Problems". All we know is that a bitch ain't one. Well, if a famous, wildly successful rapper like Jay-Z can have 99 bitchless problems, then surely a guy scraping by on the meager salary of a lumberjack should have just as many, if not more. So, I have decided to itemize them.

1. The car needs serviced
2. My shoes are all scuffed up, man
3. The status bar doesn't blink when I get a new message in gmail chat
4. I suck at ironing shirts...really, I'm freaking terrible
5. I'm getting terrible gas mileage
6. The Pens need to really step up their puckhandling if they want to win games 6 and 7
7. I have to do all of this stuff for work but I have no motivation
8. OMG I'm so hammered off of Zimas right now
9. Atlanta this weekend? 8 am flight Saturday? To work all weekend? Gay
10. It's hot as hell outside, and that sucks when you are a lumberjack and have to cut down trees all day
11. I haven't set any high scores in the punch-the-bag game yet
12. Beer costs money
13. I have to actually wake up in the mornings
14. The calluses on my hands are no good for jackin' it
15. I am not an eagle yet in Halo
16. All of my pens suck
17. There is WAYYYYY too much techno played around me on a daily basis
18. I just cut my hair short and could probably sell ad space on my forehead
19. I have to park under trees at work and that gets the whip dirty
20. It says that this milk has a "sell by" date of 4 days ago, but is it still drinkable?
21. I don't think that this detergent is leaving my colors vibrant enough
22. Am I gangster enough?
23. They don't make Rogaine for a receding pube-line
24. I can't solve this expert Sudoku puzzle
25. I don't agree at all with Matt Schaub's rating in Madden '09
26. Enzyte does not make me smile like the guy on the commercial
27. I'm having real problems uploading a song to my Myspace page
28. I think I may have killed a guy
29. I drafted Jarrod Saltalamacchia as my starting catcher in my fantasy baseball league
30. Gerald Laird is Mexican!?!?!
31. I can't really decide on a font that I like
32. I'm supposed to eat like, vegetables and stuff, but I don't like them as much as cows
33. I need some new jeans
34. My watch sucks
35. Gunpowder Jones hasn't blown up yet!
36. I have a weak internet signal
37. I don't really trust this homemade meth that I just created
38. I'm hungry, but I would like to eat souls
39. The batteries on my calculator are running low
40. I can't get any studio time for my rhymes
41. I'm not moving any bricks or rocks or anything like that
42. Why the fuck does Taco Bell pair the grilled stuft burrito with nachos in combo 2? I don't want any damn nachos
43. I hope it's not a man on the other end of this glory hole
44. I don't have speakers at work
45. I can't find the ticket for a free Whopper that I have laying around somewhere
46. Seriously, I don't want any fucking nachos
47. Pushups hurt
48. There is no PBR in South Florida!!!!
49. Every time I shotgun Busch Light my keys get all nasty
50. I could bottle ballsweat by the liter right now
51. This keyboard is dirty as fuck
52. Microsoft Word makes me want to punch my monitor
53. I HAVE RAPPER'S BLOCK
54. I went to college! So I'm in debt
55. I got a car! So I'm in debt
56. My damn car insurance tripled in Florida
57. Who the hell stole my jizzrag?
58. I don't think I can sleep without a steady dose of Colt 45
59. While I may be God's gift to women, I'm certainly not God's gift to chemical engineering
60. I think my hairline is melting away faster than the glaciers
61. I'm still paying off the mortgage I took out to get a Bud Light at a bar last weekend
62. I lost my damn moped key in Key West
63. I don't think I can afford to live down here after December
64. Did I just piss in my own sink?
65. I think this list is giving me Carpal Tunnel
66. The air conditioning is kind of f-ed up in my room
67. Great, another friend request from a Myspace spammer
68. Willie Parker owes me $20
69. Yeah, I'm probably a pretty healthy candidate for a DUI right about now
70. My mousepad needs replaced pretty badly
71. I'm pretty sure no one actually reads this
72. If I stare at this computer any longer my eyes are going to evaporate
73. I don't even think I'd have a good standard of living in Haiti on this salary
74. God damn it, every time I go in the ocean I get salt in my eyes
75. What the hell are you doing, Malkin?
76. Somebody just spilled beer on me
77. I am probably going to get caught in the rain with the top down today
78. Our carpet is dirtier than Jenna Jameson's after a hard day's work
79. THIS ORANGE JUICE HAS PULP IN IT!!!!!
80. Thank you, emailers, but I don't want to order any Viagra at this moment in time
81. I hate my commute
82. I am running out of fucking paperclips!
83. I don't know if I'll be able to get time off to visit my family for Kwanzaa
84. I haven't made it rain in months
85. No one is impressed by my ability to properly spell Reykjavik
86. I have no idea what Paul Castronovo and Sir Winston Churchill have in common
87. I think I'm coming down with something...like, AIDS
88. These documents aren't going to PDF themselves
89. I don't know the Boot Scootin' Boogie at Round Up yet
90. My hookup for cheap roofies moved to Wisconsin
91. My globe does not have "Eritrea" on it, and is therefore outdated
92. I just made that up, as I do not have a globe, but I really want one
93. Tim Tebow already circumcised the children in Pakistan, leaving one less career choice for me to pursue
94. My microphone will not record in stereo
95. If this computer freezes one more time I swear I will cock-whip it
96. My penis hurts from cock-whipping this computer
97. These Magnum condoms don't fit and I can't find my receipt to return them
98. I am out of small children to sacrifice to Dave Thomas
99. I never beat Oregon Trail without choosing the banker

Assless slacks



Professional, yet daring. Casual, and certainly casually inviting. Make it happen, Dockers.

I hold this microphone like a penis


Hey, Mike?

- Yes, Pierre?

Am I the only one that imagines holding the mic just like I would a penis?

- Not at all. I also pattern my mic holding technique after that which I would employ while firmly but respectfully grasping a penis.

That's great to hear! For awhile there, I thought I was the only guy that did this. Talking hockey really just comes second nature when I imagine myself grasping a beautiful penis at the same time. The analysis flows out of me, just as sperm would flow out of this microphone if it were indeed a penis. It's not, fortunately, because you can imagine the "pie in the face" moments I would have on live TV if it were!

- LOL, Pierre! I would be ROFL-ing all over the place if that happened! They'd call me "Awful ROFL"!

OMG, that would be sooooooo you! That would be such a Mike Milbury thing to do! Oh my God, how relaxed are you getting from all of this penis talk!

- I'm loose as a goose right now, buddy! Really relaxed! You think Barry Melrose holds the mic like a penis?