You will not control this team like a penis, sir

I kind of have a hard-on for mocking Pierre McGuire (above, on the right), and I am certainly not alone in my proclivity to do so. From Lori at Hockey, Balls, and Shoes (she's an obvious proponent of the Oxford Comma) comes this article by Rob Rossi of the Tribune-Review. Why is my linking always such a clustersex? Whatevs.

The article details the decision that the Penguins are going to have to make on their head coaching front at the end of the season, as Dan Bylsma is just an interim coach at this point, which I believe means that Mario Lemieux enjoys placing cigars inside his vagina. So, all in all, not an inflammatory premise at all. Something I can imagine the majority of Penguins fans would be interested in reading. The opposite of some gay third-grader touching maverick who raids houses in his fantasies to steal back Sammy Sosa's MVP award and put it right in Moises Alou's deserving, piss-standed hands.

Here are some of the potential options mentioned:

BRENT PETERSON

Currently: Nashville associate coach

Rossi: Speculated as GM Ray Shero's "guy" since Shero was hired away in May 2006 from Nashville, where he served as GM David Poile's assistant.

I wouldn't have a problem with that. Shero has shown that he knows what the f he's doing.

JOHN TORTORELLA

Currently: TSN (Canada) analyst

Rossi: Coached young and talented Tampa Bay Lightning to Stanley Cup in 2004, but was fired last summer. His experience, intensity and direct approach could benefit Penguins' young nucleus.

I'm a fan of Tortorella. Wouldn't be a problem, either.

EDIT: The Rangers just fired their coach and hired Tortorella. So it looks like he's off the list.

DAN BYLSMA

Currently: Penguins interim coach

Rossi: Has already impressed key team leaders. A playoff appearance would give him a legit claim. An appearance in the second round probably gets him the job.

If he does a good job down the stretch, then why not? Plus, he looks like Bill Cowher.

TODD RICHARDS

Currently: San Jose assistant coach

Rossi: Two successful seasons (2006-08) at AHL Wilkes-Barre/Scranton only enhanced his standing with Shero; was an assistant with AHL Milwaukee when Shero ran that affiliate for Nashville.

Know nothing about him, but hey, San Jose's doing something right. If Shero likes him than I come to the same conclusion that I came to for Peterson.

PIERRE MCGUIRE

Currently: TSN (Canada), NBC hockey analyst

Rossi: Craves another shot at coaching (67-game stint with Hartford, 1993-94). He is one of Shero's closest friends dating to their time with Ottawa in the mid-1990s. He also served as a pro scout on team co-owner Mario Lemieux-led Penguins squads from 1990-92.

WHAT!?!? Nooooooooooooo! No. NONONONONO. I don't care if he's bff's with Shero, or if he and Shero engage in weekly homosexual activities, or if he coached Hartford in 1993, or if he was a scout when Lemieux played, or if Wayne Gretzky is on his gchat list, or whatever. Lori is correct in that not only does he hold the microphone like a penis, he actually looks like a penis. For real. If this blog was NSFW, Photoshop would be getting a workout right now. Why is his name not Pierre Peterson? It would be fitting.

Pierre, you will not control this team like a penis. You will continue to sit in a little box between the team benches and ask Niklas Lidstrom if he's sweating and mention that Sidney Crosby just called Johnathan Cheecho a "fucking indian". But you cannot coach this team.

It can't happen. I hate Pierre McGuire. He is the douchiest of all non-Don Cherry bags in the NHL right now. There is almost no way I can be an active proponent of his success.

Don't do it, Shero.

I still hold this microphone like a penis

Wow, are you as excited as I am, Pierre?

- I sure am, Mike. Another hockey season is underway. This is one of my favorite times of the year, what with all the excitement that every team has. A new beginning! Like a phoenix rising out of the ashes that are the previous season. And I really can't help but hold the microphone like a penis while I describe it.

I know what you are saying, Pierre. The only thing I like to think that I have a grasp on as well as I have a grasp on this upcoming hockey season is this microphone, which I artfully hold just like I would a penis.

- I'm pretty sure I've held microphones like penises for my entire adult life. I hold this microphone with a grip that is tight but also pleasurable for the microphone...just like I would if it were a penis.

Firmly but gently, right?

- Exactly.

Really can't beat it, as far as sound quality and comfort is concerned.

- I'm just glad it's not an actual penis. I mean, the sound that it picks up would be nowhere near as good as this microphone.

But the way I hold it, even if it were a real penis, I'm sure it would stay hard. But, it wouldn't ejaculate. Really, that's the same way I hold the mic.

- It's all about maintaining that consistency.

It's a very difficult line to straddle.

- There's a bit of a grey area in there.

Yeah, and mainly, the only way to get to this point is experience. With both microphones and penises.

- Gosh, Mike, you get me fired up with this talk.

Let's take a quick commercial break, Pierre. We'll be right back. ;)

I hold this microphone like a penis

Hey, Mike?

- Yes, Pierre?

Am I the only one that imagines holding the mic just like I would a penis?

- Not at all. I also pattern my mic holding technique after that which I would employ while firmly but respectfully grasping a penis.

That's great to hear! For awhile there, I thought I was the only guy that did this. Talking hockey really just comes second nature when I imagine myself grasping a beautiful penis at the same time. The analysis flows out of me, just as sperm would flow out of this microphone if it were indeed a penis. It's not, fortunately, because you can imagine the "pie in the face" moments I would have on live TV if it were!

- LOL, Pierre! I would be ROFL-ing all over the place if that happened! They'd call me "Awful ROFL"!

OMG, that would be sooooooo you! That would be such a Mike Milbury thing to do! Oh my God, how relaxed are you getting from all of this penis talk!

- I'm loose as a goose right now, buddy! Really relaxed! You think Barry Melrose holds the mic like a penis?