Haircuts

...Brian, explain how big the goaltending has been in this series.



Keith, it all comes down to one save by Fleury. It really set the tone for the whole game for him. Take a look:





In pre-game?



Absolutely, Keith. You can tell that all of the saves he made in pregame really gave him the confidence he needed when the puck dropped. You can't say the same for Cam Ward...






Wait, Cam Ward was signing autographs before the game instead of warming up? Isn't that video from 3 years ago?



Keith, maybe it is, but you just don't see the same determination and fire.



Uhhh...alright...what about the scorers in the series?



Well, we all knew coming in off the heels of the Pens-Caps series that Sidney Crosby was playing like you expect a superstar to play in the games that really matter.



And what games would those be, Brian?



...uh, that would be the playoffs, Pierre.


Oh, cool!




Anyway, while the stars for the Penguins were the unheralded guys like Miroslav Satan and Phillippe Boucher, Sidney Crosby played very well for the Pens including this excellent dish to Guerin that was robbed by a great glove save from Ward.





You have a feeling you'll be hearing from Sidney Crosby this series. You pretty much know you can count on him. The X-factor in most people's minds is going to be the play of Evgeni Malkin, who stepped it up late in the Capitals series and, as you saw, continued that momentum here tonight with an incredible backhand goal off a feed from Tyler Kennedy. This goal put the Hurricanes in a deep hole from which they couldn't recover. Consistent play like this from Malkin will make things much easier for the Penguins. As for Eric Staal, he played pretty well tonight in his own right, putting pucks on net and setting things up for his teammates to finish. But, you just know he's going to have a hard time sleeping tonight after blowing that late chance to tie. You aren't going to beat the Penguins if you keep missing chances like that.



Thanks, Brian. Man, I'll tell you what, if all of the games in this series are like this one, I'm going to run clean out of jizz!


Absolutely, Keith. I think I jizzed in my pants three times during this game!



We'll see you all on Thursday right here on Versus, the network where hockey teams play hockey games versus other hockey teams. If it's anything like tonight, you won't want to miss it.

The Ravens have the Steelers right where they want them

I'll tell you what, guys...I was really impressed with Joe Flacco's performance last night against the tough Pittsburgh Steeler defense. Sure, he only completed about 35% of his passes and threw three picks, but I don't think you can call it "shaky". And sure, the Ravens loss yesterday means that they lost to Pittsburgh three times on the season, including a tough one here in the AFC Championship Game. But...think about it.

The Ravens have the Steelers right where they want them.

That's just Raven football, playing it coy, keeping it close, waiting to pounce on any mistakes and completely change the complexion of the game. That's Raven football. They are like an acne medication on a 14 year old boy. And Ed Reed is that special ingredient that makes the Noxema work. The guy just changes the complexion of games singlehandedly. And what have the Ravens gone and done here? Well, they've convinced the Steelers that they can beat them three times in one year. And that's going to be huge next season.

Hear me out.

If the Steelers are able to beat the Ravens twice again in the regular season, setting up a playoff showdown in Heinz Field in the 2010 NFL playoffs....do you think the Steelers are going to come out with the same passion that they came out with last night? Do you really think Hines Ward will come out in that game next year with the same Asian fire that he displayed at the beginning of last night's matchup? I surely doubt it. The Steelers are going to come out on that field thinking that a win is a foregone conclusion, setting themselves up for a letdown game against the Ravens' NFL-best defense. I know that the Ravens are the NFL's best defense because I spoke to Ray Lewis before the game and he told me just that. He said "Phil, we are the NFL's best defense". And I said "do you really believe that, Ray?", and he gave me a strange type of reflective, yet preachy, yet unnecessarily dragged out, yet emphatic "yes" and began a dance and I could just see it in his jazz fingers that he knew what he was saying was truth. Plus, they have Ed Reed.

Ed Reed cuts the field in two and although he was directly responsible for Hines Ward getting an extra 35 yards in his big catch yesterday, you just can't throw the ball at Ed Reed. You have to find Ed Reed on the field and then throw where he's not at. Because he's a game-changer. And the Ravens have the Steelers believing that Ed Reed is not a game-changer.

And that's just the thing. Ed Reed is a game-changer.

So things may not have gone the Ravens' way last night. Well, that happens in the NFL. On any given Sunday, anything can happen. And the Ravens know this. The Ravens played it just about perfectly last night and are looking to strike the Steelers when they least expect it.

The Ravens have the Steelers just where they want them.

I still hold this microphone like a penis

Wow, are you as excited as I am, Pierre?

- I sure am, Mike. Another hockey season is underway. This is one of my favorite times of the year, what with all the excitement that every team has. A new beginning! Like a phoenix rising out of the ashes that are the previous season. And I really can't help but hold the microphone like a penis while I describe it.

I know what you are saying, Pierre. The only thing I like to think that I have a grasp on as well as I have a grasp on this upcoming hockey season is this microphone, which I artfully hold just like I would a penis.

- I'm pretty sure I've held microphones like penises for my entire adult life. I hold this microphone with a grip that is tight but also pleasurable for the microphone...just like I would if it were a penis.

Firmly but gently, right?

- Exactly.

Really can't beat it, as far as sound quality and comfort is concerned.

- I'm just glad it's not an actual penis. I mean, the sound that it picks up would be nowhere near as good as this microphone.

But the way I hold it, even if it were a real penis, I'm sure it would stay hard. But, it wouldn't ejaculate. Really, that's the same way I hold the mic.

- It's all about maintaining that consistency.

It's a very difficult line to straddle.

- There's a bit of a grey area in there.

Yeah, and mainly, the only way to get to this point is experience. With both microphones and penises.

- Gosh, Mike, you get me fired up with this talk.

Let's take a quick commercial break, Pierre. We'll be right back. ;)

I feel like it's still bitches that owe me sex.

Get your groove on, Emmitt.

Actually, since it was Emmitt, he probably went with "I feel like it's just winning that only texts".

Cut those damn pubes off of your head, Kornheiser

There are unfortunately no pictures that do the opposite of justice to Tony Kornheiser's epileptic seizure of a hairstyle that he debuted yesterday on Monday Night Football as the Ravens stopped the run but still lost to Jeff Reed. As you may have been aware, the referees were wearing their breast cancer awareness ribbons and wristbands, but apparently Tony decided to take it one step further and actually get chemotherapy.

Do they not have anybody on the set to ask him what the fuck he was thinking? He had shortly buzzed hair on the parts of his head that still have hair except for the very back, an area covered by long hairs that were sparse but fluffy, like an omelet made out of Jewish pubes. Maybe he was bringing in the New Year, who knows.

Regardless, we cannot be the only group of people who wondered what the hell he was thinking. Was this thing only visible in high-def? WHY ARE THERE NO PICTURES ON THE DAMN INTERNET!!!! This is what the Gores were invented for! If only somebody would hit me up on my McCain with an image, that would be great. This image must be preserved for future civilizations.

I hold this microphone like a penis

Hey, Mike?

- Yes, Pierre?

Am I the only one that imagines holding the mic just like I would a penis?

- Not at all. I also pattern my mic holding technique after that which I would employ while firmly but respectfully grasping a penis.

That's great to hear! For awhile there, I thought I was the only guy that did this. Talking hockey really just comes second nature when I imagine myself grasping a beautiful penis at the same time. The analysis flows out of me, just as sperm would flow out of this microphone if it were indeed a penis. It's not, fortunately, because you can imagine the "pie in the face" moments I would have on live TV if it were!

- LOL, Pierre! I would be ROFL-ing all over the place if that happened! They'd call me "Awful ROFL"!

OMG, that would be sooooooo you! That would be such a Mike Milbury thing to do! Oh my God, how relaxed are you getting from all of this penis talk!

- I'm loose as a goose right now, buddy! Really relaxed! You think Barry Melrose holds the mic like a penis?