Thursday, July 26, 2012

Arguments that chap my balls: spitting on a dead man's grave!

Starling Marte is cool and all, but this is what I really came here for.

I HATE, hate hate haTHEATHth the defenses of Paterno that involve "hey, let's focus on the real criminal here - Sandusky", "let's think of the victims", or "they just want to piss all over a dead man's grave and get their piss all over his bones!". HATE. They chap the everliving shit out of my balls.

Now, I'm not pro-child rape. You can say "ohhh, whatever Vern, you have pubes and those act as natural Sandusky repellents and you don't know what it's like" and that may be true. But I'm generally against rapin' kids and having soap fights and unleashing the tickle monster and playing "Uncle Jer's showertime hide-n-go-fuck". So don't get it twisted like Maurice Gibb's intestine, aiight y'all?

Let's go at this point-by-fucking-point (it is my favorite way, after all):


Well fucking of course, retards! "Why don't you focus on the real evil figure here?" Simple...BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS SANDUSKY IS THE REAL EVIL FIGURE HERE! Nobody is arguing this. He went to trial. He was found guilty. He got like 80 years or something. Nobody thinks he's innocent! There is no FREE SANDUSKY! petitions going around. There is no "Sandusky is innocent!" Facebook page. There's no mood: Sanduskyish option on whatever remains of Myspace. There is no point to argue about Sandusky. None. Everybody knows. Do you remind people that summer is warmer than winter? No. Do you stop debate over how to get home from the bar to point out that you only got drunk because you drank alcohol? NO. You fucking don't because you have all of your chromosomes.

The debate here is about Paterno because he is the prominent public figure from Penn State football. Sandusky was some fucking guy who tickled 8-year old balls. Everybody knows that. People don't (or didn't) quite know with great certainty about Paterno and they wondered. That's why the fuck it's the main topic of debate. If you want to have a convo with me about "hey is raping kids bad", I mean, we can do it but it's only going to kill about 9 seconds of time before we have to talk about something else.


Ok. Let's think of the victims. Man, it sucks that kids got raped. Jeez, that must have been awful. I have no idea what that must have felt like. Ok, now that we've felt sufficiently bad for the kids, are they un-raped? What the fuck did we just accomplish? Do we feel good now that we think we have our priorities in place? Do you know that there are kids in Africa who are so hungry that they eat each other's dicks? Why don't you feel bad for them you fucking sack of fuck!

We get this. It's understood. Kids suffered. THERE IS NOTHING TO DEBATE HERE. If you guys want to hold candlelight vigils and think it's going to make you look like you have a heart and a soul and you are a better person than me, that's fine and you can go right the fuck ahead. In the meantime, I'll be talking about Paterno because he was Penn State football and he may have allowed this whole thing to get swept under the rug and that right there gives us SOMETHING TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT.


Why? We can't talk about this now that JoePa is dead? What the fuck? Joe Paterno being dead doesn't make him any less of a maybe-kid rape coverer-upper. You know who else is dead? Franklin Pierce. And you know what? Franklin Pierce was a fucking joke of a President. Can you say that? Of course you can. And most people that have any idea of history would agree with you. You know what they wouldn't ever say?


No one would ever say that. You can ask 3 billion people and I bet not one would ever say that.

The Penn State scandal happened and Paterno's death doesn't change that. I don't see anyone telling you that you have to pretend to enjoy Laura Branigan's music 'cause she's dead. Mainly because she was fucking awesome but bear with me here. There is a kidrape scandal here, the NCAA just took like 40 scholarships away from the Vatican, and Joe Paterno may have played an active role in suppressing this news for a decade in which Sandusky continued to practice personal hygiene with pre-teen boys. We're supposed to forget about it for a little bit because Paterno just died? Fuck and NO.

And this is coming from a Penn State fan who only went elsewhere for college because I didn't think Joe would let me on his football team. Turns out all I would have had to have done was wink at Uncle Jer.

Fuck outta here with this, yo!

Starling Marte has arrived

Let's get it, sons. If I'm going to try and do this blog again I'd be remiss if I didn't touch on them surging Buccos, who are surging all over the faces of the NL this year. Just all over their faces. Matt Kemp looks like one of those cinnamon swirl cookies, but instead of cinnamon and dough, he's made out of skin and Pirate cum.

The Pirates are not without their flaws, however, and one of them is "hitting". A decent part of the game. Sure, they can hit bombs and all, but outside of Cutch and Alvarez those bombs are just kind of coming from anywhere and you can't keep that up. They aren't getting on base too well on the year. As a whole, that is...yeah they were hot for a month, but they are likely to regress, and it appears to have already started. Just like the first month was an aberration on the bad side, I take this recent stretch as the opposite. The leadoff spot has been especially poor, with Jose Tabata being sent down to the Rockford Peaches and Alex Presley hitting like, .230.

Just so happens they had a guy in the wings named Starling Marte.

I've been living on Twitter recently - which is odd given that I usually spend 8 minutes a month on Twitter - waiting for Dejan Kovacevic or Keith Law or Grantland Rice to break the news of Marte's promotion. This Marte guy may not be the savior, but with everyone else hitting .194 at the top of the order, it's time to see what the fuck he can go. I'm pumped.

So let's fucking get it, kids. Remember to drink your Sambuca shots every inning in which the Bucs score.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Wikihow is a motherfucking goldmine

Dougs....shit is cray. I've been spending a lot of time on a site that I didn't even know existed and I'm kind of upset that I wasn't alerted to its existence sooner. That site is Wikihow and it is a DAMN GOLDMINE.

Everything is on Wikihow. EVERYTHING. See, I'm in a dodgeball league (and it's awesome so you can all suck me), and we are kind of awful as fuck. Like awful as bright neon fuck. Terrible. I was unable to attend the week one game (which we lost) and the next day I was sent an email from the captain with a link to Wikihow, purporting to teach us awesome dodgeball tips that we could jump on and reverse choke-fuck to victory.

You have got to be shitting the fuck out of me.

Dodge the ball! Dodging the ball means you aren't out! Unless you can

Catch the fucking ball! This is so much cooler than dodging. And then the other team is out, and that increases your chance of ultimate victory.

Trick them by throwing the ball in different locations! THEY WILL BE BEWILDERED AS F!

It's one of the dumbest things I've ever read. But it gets better. Perusing Wikihow leads to some really great how tos. Like HOW TO MOTHERFUCKING GET A BOY OR GIRL IF YOU HAVE ASPERGERS. But my favorite thusfar is "How to Find a Queer Relationship in High School". It looks as if the long national nightmare for high school queers is about to be put to an end for good.

1. Discover your own identity. It takes time to figure out who you are, and in the queer community there's even more pressure to have a rigid, fixed identity with a label like "gay," "bi," "trans," "lesbian," or "bisexual." Don't worry if you're not quite sure what word to use, or if the words you use change over time. You can use words like "queer," "pansexual," "questioning," or "gender fluid." You also don't have to base who you're interested in on gender. Just ask yourself some basic questions, like: 

Starting out with a bang here! See, problem one for all of you queer high schoolers is that you keep calling yourself cocksuckers and fags and stuff like that. It's not like the bullying or wondering why you are 15 years old and a dude but want to taste dicks or those awkward feelings because you are confused why you are a little girl in 9th grade and you don't know what scissoring is but yet you still want to scissor like you were doing championship-level's the label, stupid. Very pragmatic.

You need to extract yourself from the stupid gay identities of the queer community. See, while every other citizen of queer nation is going by "gay" or "biqueer", you can break the mold and go by something that you want to go by. But you have to go by something. There are roles, and if your name is Jeff and you like cock, you can't just go by Jeff. I know it sucks but fucking deal with it, Jeff. Be proud.

So Jeff, don't let them call you gay. You can use queer! Nah, don't use queer. Pansexual? Eh. Gender fluid? Good one! Wikihow is really on top of this. But I think they need to go deeper. How about "majestic prince of dick"? That one's regal! Or "cum addict". You miiiight as well face it you're addicted to cum. Ha! You can sing old Robert Palmer songs about cum! So don't let them pigeonhole you, you sweet, sweet arbiter of ass, you.

Oh, I cut it off...what questions does Wikihow think you queers should ask yourselves?

  • Who am I looking for in a relationship? Is gender important? If so, what gender(s) do I prefer?
  • Is it important to me to claim a particular identity?
  • Do I want to come out? If I'm out, or plan to be, does the person I date need to be out, too?
  • How comfortable am I with PDA? Some queer teens may want to be out at school and to their families, and others may not. Decide this before you enter a relationship.
  • Is it important to me that someone I'm with affirm my gender and/or sexuality? This may be particularly important if you're trans- or bisexual-identified and might end up in what looks like a "straight" relationship.
RIGHT! Right off the bat, we get at the heart of the matter here. Sit down with me, Jeff, and let's get started with these questions. HEY STOP LOOKING AT MY DICK

• Who am I looking for in a relationship? Is gender important? If so, what gender(s) do I prefer?

Yes! See, if you are going to try and start a gay relationship it would help to ask yourself "self, am I ACTUALLY FUCKING GAY? Do I want to taste penises now and forever more or am I just bored and hey, there's a dick, may as well suck it?"...this is an important step. You've got to nail this one.

Is it important to me to claim a particular identity?

Do you want to be one of those rambunctious gays that are all carrying flags around and eating kale salads after yoga class or do you just want to be kinda, you know, like sneaky gay?

I mean the rest are kinda ok (at least number 3...number 4 about PDA is just, yeah, like - decide just how gay you are and turn your public gayness up or down accordingly. But like, what the fuck yo?

• Meet other queer teenagers and allies. If you live in a queer-friendly community, or go to a queer-friendly school, this may be easy. But if you don't, you'll need to meet people before you can look for potential dates. Search the web for any local queer youth groups or meet-ups, or if there are none available, try social justice groups or arts groups for teenagers. Often, though not always, queer teens get involved in politically liberal causes and the arts, which have typically been queer-friendly spaces. Feminist groups also tend to be particularly queer friendly. Dating websites are another place to meet, but spend time chatting first before you meet in person, and always meet in a public place first.

START A QUEER PATROL! So simple! I can't believe I never thought of that! If you want to start a gay relationship - just go find some gays!

Now, this is easy if you go to the gayest high school on the planet, but for the rest of you who go to normal high schools where gays are hopping out of bushes and overflowing from maintenance closets, you may have to do some work. Search the web for gay hangouts! Go to! Start being liberal as fuck! These are all tips that will end up with you catching frozen ropes of ejaculate in no time.

But all in all I agree with Wikihow...if you want to start a queer relationship, go find a metric shit ton of queers. It's so simple. This article had to have been written in the UK, because I have never seen the word queer typed so many times in my life. In fact, I don't think I've even said it since I was in 4th grade. Next week will be how to start a queer relationship in 4th grade even though your dicks don't even work yet.

Be open about your identity and availability in ways that make sense to you. Everyone is different. Some people want to shout about their queerness from the rooftops, while others are painfully shy. If you want to date someone who knows that you're queer, whether a same-sex relationship or not, you need to be open about your identity to some extent. But how you do that is up to you. You can come out entirely at school, or in your community but not at school, or you can spread the word in some other way--letting close friends know, for example, or being active on the Internet as a queer teen. You never know whether a Twitter follower or blog reader in your town might start crushing on you if you come out online, and in some ways these venues are safer than being open at school or around town. this article of three just awesome, awesome tips - maybe 3% of it is how to actually start a queer relationship. You know, though, you can always just become the newest hot internet queer teen, right? Didn't you know that? You didn't! OMG! Ok, first off, it's awesome, and second off, your Twitter followers are going to totes fall in love with you.You could film yourself RIGHT NOW wearing Umbro shorts and a rainbow t-shirt, singing gay songs about Janet Reno and rubbing against Michael Bolton posters. You could take that video, upload that shit to Youtube in like 5 minutes and then wait a few hours for it to go viral. And then, bang! Queers are going to be swarming you like a damn handjobbing flash mob.

Keep up the good work, Wikihow!

Thursday, July 12, 2012


Oh yeah...fuck it. I'm going to try a comeback. Bert Farve, y'all.

Anyway...Bob Kraft did some embarrassing dance thing with a young lady on the internet recently, and broads are pissed. You know, the same internet where you can find animated GIFS of meth addicts blowing horses and a gay dude disguised as a piece of chocolate signing about getting ass-hammered. That place. It now has Bob Kraft stumbling over acting lines. has this broad laying on the ice like, herself.

Robert Kraft goes over Viagra Falls, but it’s his image in a barrel

By Margery Eagan

 - I have absolutely no idea what that means. I mean, I'm a fan of things like "yeah, Magic got in his AIDSmobile and drove to Unprotectedsexville", but Viagra Falls? Going over it? But it's only his image in a barrel? There are so many aimless metaphors in here, just pulling each other apart at the atoms. It's like quantum failure. Did the ghost of Ed Delahanty craft this one? Get it? I said "craft"! Haha! Jajajajajaaja JOL

So anyway, awkward video of Patriots owner Bob Kraft recently surfaced and it isn't exactly flattering for him. He's helping what appears to be his 14-year old girlfriend (he's 107) with an audition, he reads some lines (poorly), does a dance (poorlier), and says "fuck you, pussy!". I mean - yeah, it's not the coolest thing for someone of his stature to be doing. He probably didn't expect the video to be made public, though. But...this broad Marge Eagan apparently thinks it invalidates him and his late wife's entire legacy and ruins his brand. The Patriots are pretty much done, she surmises. 

Vern counter-surmises against her. 

Do we all still have to call him “Mr. Kraft”?

Doesn't matter to me.  You can call him Dancing Fucktard Kraft for all I care. Or Mittens.

Will Patriot uniforms’ MHK patches — honoring the great, late Myra Hiatt Kraft — now be replaced with patches honoring Kraft’s new pal, Ricki, with a red heart over each “i”?

I don't know...did she just fucking die of cancer? Did this chick die of cancer after having been married to him for 30+ years? If so...then yes, she gets a patch.

Ohhhh...I get it. You are chiding him for even having a young girlfriend, accusing him of besmirching his wife's memory or something. Was it your wife that died of cancer, Marge? He doesn't have to disavow women just because it offends your perceived relationship between him and his wife, Margey. 

But yes, there would certainly be a heart over each "i", because that would really rub it in his dead wife's face amiright? AMIFUCKINGRIGHT! HA! Of course I'm right! WOOOO

“Somebody needs to haul him out of his house explaining how he’s just snapped, insane with grief with his shirt all tied up like Hannibal Lecter,” said a Pats fan yesterday. 

 Probably a woman.

“And they need to do it before the end of business today, or Kraft’s tossed his whole brand.”

Oh shut. The. Fuck. Up. This is a mothersucking blip on the Goddamn radar of Bob Kraft and the Patriots. 

Tossed his whole brand? Stop overreacting. People will by and large forget about this in a week. His young "friend" was already public knowledge. And maybe it doesn't look that great. BUT WHO CARES? It doesn't have to! Bob Kraft's brand is the New England Patriots. People watched Patriots games when SCOTT FUCKIN' ZOLAK was quarterbacking them. They don't watch games because of Kraft. Dumbass New Englanders love the Patriots because they are douchebags and think Tom Brady and Wes Welker are wicked, not because Bobbert Kraft owns the team. 

This is stupid. Bob Kraft doesn't have to exclusively enjoy the company of women that you approve. Nor does he have to lock himself in a closet and cry himself to sleep every day. The world keeps on spinning, even for Bob Kraft and his "brand".

And if you stop watching Patriots games because Bob Kraft perfectly acceptably hangs around ugly young women in spite of not being married, then you shouldn't have been following the team in the first place. If it comes out in the news that Dan Rooney has been engaging in hardcore gay BDSM with male hookers for years and his safeword is "dandelion", I'm still going to watch the hell out of Steelers games this year. Hell, I'm a Penn State fan. I'm going to keep watching PSU games regardless of how soapy and naked Jerry Sandusky liked his 11-year old boys. WE ARE! TICKLE MONSTER!

The brand that was all about family values football, he said. “You can’t even smoke anymore at Gillette. But this? This? It’s pathetic.”


Here are two lists!

List 1: Things that can give me cancer

• Second-hand smoke

List 2: Things that cannot in any fucking possible way ever give me cancer

• Second-hand creepiness from old man Kraft

In case you missed it, “this” is the bizarre new Bob and Ricki video where Bob appears to be helping the gorgeous Ricki, in a bikini, audition for a movie. The camera pans slowly up and down Ricki’s luscious self. She winks. Then Kraft awkwardly reads some lines, does a cringe-worthy dance, and uses two eyebrow-raising vulgarities.

She ain't luscious. She looks like a mannequin that came to life. And then he says fuck and pussy.

You see it. You can’t quite believe this is Mr. Robert Kraft, who created a football dynasty in his signature blue shirts with crisp white collars.

Yeah, I agree. It's fucking weird to see Bob Kraft doing this. 

Creepy. Disturbing. Need to shower.

Fine with that. I have no problem with this take on it. It is a bit creepy. She's 9 years old, for Christ's sake. And he voted for Lincoln. 

Those are sentiments I heard yesterday.
Don't care. Do you know what kind of sentiments I hear every day? Dougs, you should really read my Facebook news feed. I once heard a dude at Bokamper's say that we need to shoot Obama because he froze NASA spending or something and the next war is going to be fought in space. These are the sentiments that I hear every day.

It’s not that Kraft, a rich and powerful widower, can’t chase The Great American Rich and Powerful Man’s Dream: spending the Viagra years with a knockout blonde who pretends you mean more to her than said riches and power. We saw Bob and Ricki at a Celtics playoff game. We may have recoiled. She’s 32. He’s 71, which goes beyond dating-your-daughter range (see John Henry, Red Sox) to dating-your-granddaughter range. Plus, these days, trophy wives/girlfriends typically bring visible skills to the table (see Mrs. John Henry).

 Wait...he can't? The premise of your article is basically that he can't, and you have him falling over waterfalls in barrels while doing so.  You just said that they are going to have to replace the patches dedicated to his wife with heart-encrusted stripper poles.

But hey, Kraft’s a lonely guy. We could cut him slack — until now. Now he’s let little Ricki use him in a publicly demeaning way, and thereby he’s publicly demeaned his children, grandchildren and the memory of the wife he, very publicly, seemed to adore.

Come on. He's helping her with an audition, doing a terrible job at it, and they are both embarrassing. He was trying to have some fun, instead of always having to be that dude in crisp shirts who's dick gets hard over family values except for the fact that he's too family valuesy to even have a hard dick. He cannot have thought this video would see the light of day. And they are both demeaning themselves with awful acting. He's demeaned his children? And his grandchildren? And the wife he "seemed" to adore? You know the one he "said" that he loved?

Come the fuck on. "Grandpa does stupid, embarrassing thing", wrote NO NEWSPAPER EVER BECAUSE GRANDPAS ARE OLD AND DO EMBARRASSING SHIT.

We are done with cutting your slack, Kraft! This is it! You have came all over your dead wife's legacy! 

The real deal. Genuine, kind, never condescending. That rare philanthropist who walked the walk and helped the truly needy, often anonymously. That’s what you heard about Myra Kraft in the days after her death, not even a year ago. And now this.

There are things you can still hear about Myra Kraft, because she wasn't in this video, and it doesn't affect her, because she's dead. 

"Hey Rich, remember how Myra Kraft was so kind?"

"Of course".

"You've got to be kidding me...FUCK MYRA KRAFT!"

Yesterday, Kraft expressed regret about his Ricki video.

Yeah, because he embarrasses himself and it got out on the internet.

Too late.

You've lost Marge Eagan.

It’ll never fade away, this painful new image of Kraft as yet another sad, silly, all-sexed-up old fool.

Yes. Yes it will fade. Probably well before football games are played. And if it hasn't faded by then, it will shortly thereafter.

Because no one cares about Robert Kraft's personal life. Really, they don't. This is the same Bob Kraft who football fans accuse of all but blowing Roger Goodell. And you think this is going to hurt his legacy?

Laying on the ice like a got-damned broad, Marge.