Friday, July 20, 2012

Wikihow is a motherfucking goldmine

Dougs....shit is cray. I've been spending a lot of time on a site that I didn't even know existed and I'm kind of upset that I wasn't alerted to its existence sooner. That site is Wikihow and it is a DAMN GOLDMINE.

Everything is on Wikihow. EVERYTHING. See, I'm in a dodgeball league (and it's awesome so you can all suck me), and we are kind of awful as fuck. Like awful as bright neon fuck. Terrible. I was unable to attend the week one game (which we lost) and the next day I was sent an email from the captain with a link to Wikihow, purporting to teach us awesome dodgeball tips that we could jump on and reverse choke-fuck to victory.

You have got to be shitting the fuck out of me.

Dodge the ball! Dodging the ball means you aren't out! Unless you can

Catch the fucking ball! This is so much cooler than dodging. And then the other team is out, and that increases your chance of ultimate victory.

Trick them by throwing the ball in different locations! THEY WILL BE BEWILDERED AS F!

It's one of the dumbest things I've ever read. But it gets better. Perusing Wikihow leads to some really great how tos. Like HOW TO MOTHERFUCKING GET A BOY OR GIRL IF YOU HAVE ASPERGERS. But my favorite thusfar is "How to Find a Queer Relationship in High School". It looks as if the long national nightmare for high school queers is about to be put to an end for good.

1. Discover your own identity. It takes time to figure out who you are, and in the queer community there's even more pressure to have a rigid, fixed identity with a label like "gay," "bi," "trans," "lesbian," or "bisexual." Don't worry if you're not quite sure what word to use, or if the words you use change over time. You can use words like "queer," "pansexual," "questioning," or "gender fluid." You also don't have to base who you're interested in on gender. Just ask yourself some basic questions, like: 

Starting out with a bang here! See, problem one for all of you queer high schoolers is that you keep calling yourself cocksuckers and fags and stuff like that. It's not like the bullying or wondering why you are 15 years old and a dude but want to taste dicks or those awkward feelings because you are confused why you are a little girl in 9th grade and you don't know what scissoring is but yet you still want to scissor like you were doing championship-level's the label, stupid. Very pragmatic.

You need to extract yourself from the stupid gay identities of the queer community. See, while every other citizen of queer nation is going by "gay" or "biqueer", you can break the mold and go by something that you want to go by. But you have to go by something. There are roles, and if your name is Jeff and you like cock, you can't just go by Jeff. I know it sucks but fucking deal with it, Jeff. Be proud.

So Jeff, don't let them call you gay. You can use queer! Nah, don't use queer. Pansexual? Eh. Gender fluid? Good one! Wikihow is really on top of this. But I think they need to go deeper. How about "majestic prince of dick"? That one's regal! Or "cum addict". You miiiight as well face it you're addicted to cum. Ha! You can sing old Robert Palmer songs about cum! So don't let them pigeonhole you, you sweet, sweet arbiter of ass, you.

Oh, I cut it off...what questions does Wikihow think you queers should ask yourselves?

  • Who am I looking for in a relationship? Is gender important? If so, what gender(s) do I prefer?
  • Is it important to me to claim a particular identity?
  • Do I want to come out? If I'm out, or plan to be, does the person I date need to be out, too?
  • How comfortable am I with PDA? Some queer teens may want to be out at school and to their families, and others may not. Decide this before you enter a relationship.
  • Is it important to me that someone I'm with affirm my gender and/or sexuality? This may be particularly important if you're trans- or bisexual-identified and might end up in what looks like a "straight" relationship.
RIGHT! Right off the bat, we get at the heart of the matter here. Sit down with me, Jeff, and let's get started with these questions. HEY STOP LOOKING AT MY DICK

• Who am I looking for in a relationship? Is gender important? If so, what gender(s) do I prefer?

Yes! See, if you are going to try and start a gay relationship it would help to ask yourself "self, am I ACTUALLY FUCKING GAY? Do I want to taste penises now and forever more or am I just bored and hey, there's a dick, may as well suck it?"...this is an important step. You've got to nail this one.

Is it important to me to claim a particular identity?

Do you want to be one of those rambunctious gays that are all carrying flags around and eating kale salads after yoga class or do you just want to be kinda, you know, like sneaky gay?

I mean the rest are kinda ok (at least number 3...number 4 about PDA is just, yeah, like - decide just how gay you are and turn your public gayness up or down accordingly. But like, what the fuck yo?

• Meet other queer teenagers and allies. If you live in a queer-friendly community, or go to a queer-friendly school, this may be easy. But if you don't, you'll need to meet people before you can look for potential dates. Search the web for any local queer youth groups or meet-ups, or if there are none available, try social justice groups or arts groups for teenagers. Often, though not always, queer teens get involved in politically liberal causes and the arts, which have typically been queer-friendly spaces. Feminist groups also tend to be particularly queer friendly. Dating websites are another place to meet, but spend time chatting first before you meet in person, and always meet in a public place first.

START A QUEER PATROL! So simple! I can't believe I never thought of that! If you want to start a gay relationship - just go find some gays!

Now, this is easy if you go to the gayest high school on the planet, but for the rest of you who go to normal high schools where gays are hopping out of bushes and overflowing from maintenance closets, you may have to do some work. Search the web for gay hangouts! Go to! Start being liberal as fuck! These are all tips that will end up with you catching frozen ropes of ejaculate in no time.

But all in all I agree with Wikihow...if you want to start a queer relationship, go find a metric shit ton of queers. It's so simple. This article had to have been written in the UK, because I have never seen the word queer typed so many times in my life. In fact, I don't think I've even said it since I was in 4th grade. Next week will be how to start a queer relationship in 4th grade even though your dicks don't even work yet.

Be open about your identity and availability in ways that make sense to you. Everyone is different. Some people want to shout about their queerness from the rooftops, while others are painfully shy. If you want to date someone who knows that you're queer, whether a same-sex relationship or not, you need to be open about your identity to some extent. But how you do that is up to you. You can come out entirely at school, or in your community but not at school, or you can spread the word in some other way--letting close friends know, for example, or being active on the Internet as a queer teen. You never know whether a Twitter follower or blog reader in your town might start crushing on you if you come out online, and in some ways these venues are safer than being open at school or around town. this article of three just awesome, awesome tips - maybe 3% of it is how to actually start a queer relationship. You know, though, you can always just become the newest hot internet queer teen, right? Didn't you know that? You didn't! OMG! Ok, first off, it's awesome, and second off, your Twitter followers are going to totes fall in love with you.You could film yourself RIGHT NOW wearing Umbro shorts and a rainbow t-shirt, singing gay songs about Janet Reno and rubbing against Michael Bolton posters. You could take that video, upload that shit to Youtube in like 5 minutes and then wait a few hours for it to go viral. And then, bang! Queers are going to be swarming you like a damn handjobbing flash mob.

Keep up the good work, Wikihow!

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