Thursday, July 26, 2012
Arguments that chap my balls: spitting on a dead man's grave!
Starling Marte is cool and all, but this is what I really came here for.
I HATE, hate hate haTHEATHth the defenses of Paterno that involve "hey, let's focus on the real criminal here - Sandusky", "let's think of the victims", or "they just want to piss all over a dead man's grave and get their piss all over his bones!". HATE. They chap the everliving shit out of my balls.
Now, I'm not pro-child rape. You can say "ohhh, whatever Vern, you have pubes and those act as natural Sandusky repellents and you don't know what it's like" and that may be true. But I'm generally against rapin' kids and having soap fights and unleashing the tickle monster and playing "Uncle Jer's showertime hide-n-go-fuck". So don't get it twisted like Maurice Gibb's intestine, aiight y'all?
Let's go at this point-by-fucking-point (it is my favorite way, after all):
1. SANDUSKY IS THE REAL CRIMINAL
Well fucking of course, retards! "Why don't you focus on the real evil figure here?" Simple...BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS SANDUSKY IS THE REAL EVIL FIGURE HERE! Nobody is arguing this. He went to trial. He was found guilty. He got like 80 years or something. Nobody thinks he's innocent! There is no FREE SANDUSKY! petitions going around. There is no "Sandusky is innocent!" Facebook page. There's no mood: Sanduskyish option on whatever remains of Myspace. There is no point to argue about Sandusky. None. Everybody knows. Do you remind people that summer is warmer than winter? No. Do you stop debate over how to get home from the bar to point out that you only got drunk because you drank alcohol? NO. You fucking don't because you have all of your chromosomes.
The debate here is about Paterno because he is the prominent public figure from Penn State football. Sandusky was some fucking guy who tickled 8-year old balls. Everybody knows that. People don't (or didn't) quite know with great certainty about Paterno and they wondered. That's why the fuck it's the main topic of debate. If you want to have a convo with me about "hey is raping kids bad", I mean, we can do it but it's only going to kill about 9 seconds of time before we have to talk about something else.
2. LET'S THINK OF THE VICTIMS
Ok. Let's think of the victims. Man, it sucks that kids got raped. Jeez, that must have been awful. I have no idea what that must have felt like. Ok, now that we've felt sufficiently bad for the kids, are they un-raped? What the fuck did we just accomplish? Do we feel good now that we think we have our priorities in place? Do you know that there are kids in Africa who are so hungry that they eat each other's dicks? Why don't you feel bad for them you fucking sack of fuck!
We get this. It's understood. Kids suffered. THERE IS NOTHING TO DEBATE HERE. If you guys want to hold candlelight vigils and think it's going to make you look like you have a heart and a soul and you are a better person than me, that's fine and you can go right the fuck ahead. In the meantime, I'll be talking about Paterno because he was Penn State football and he may have allowed this whole thing to get swept under the rug and that right there gives us SOMETHING TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT.
3. DON'T GET PISS ALL IN HIS GRAVE
Why? We can't talk about this now that JoePa is dead? What the fuck? Joe Paterno being dead doesn't make him any less of a maybe-kid rape coverer-upper. You know who else is dead? Franklin Pierce. And you know what? Franklin Pierce was a fucking joke of a President. Can you say that? Of course you can. And most people that have any idea of history would agree with you. You know what they wouldn't ever say?
"STOP PISSING ON FRANKLIN PIERCE'S GRAVE!"
No one would ever say that. You can ask 3 billion people and I bet not one would ever say that.
The Penn State scandal happened and Paterno's death doesn't change that. I don't see anyone telling you that you have to pretend to enjoy Laura Branigan's music 'cause she's dead. Mainly because she was fucking awesome but bear with me here. There is a kidrape scandal here, the NCAA just took like 40 scholarships away from the Vatican, and Joe Paterno may have played an active role in suppressing this news for a decade in which Sandusky continued to practice personal hygiene with pre-teen boys. We're supposed to forget about it for a little bit because Paterno just died? Fuck and NO.
And this is coming from a Penn State fan who only went elsewhere for college because I didn't think Joe would let me on his football team. Turns out all I would have had to have done was wink at Uncle Jer.
Fuck outta here with this, yo!