Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Vern's sequential order of NFL teams by awesomeness following one week of play
Woooo! NFL is here! This is wooo-ish for a number of reasons. Let's hit on a few of them:
1) College football kind of sucks. It fucking does. "Every game matters!" Yeah, if you fucking like Alabama. Do you know many games matter for Penn State? Like 3 or 4. Because after that point, they lose a game and then the best you can hope for is the Meineke Car Care Bowl. Who gives an s about that? Do you really care if your team beats Kansas State in the Free HIV Tests.com Bowl? And this was before Jerry Sandusky recorded more touches than '98 Jamal Anderson. Now the entire season is just fucked from the start, for 4+ years. Can you see the NFL banning the Steelers from the playoffs because Dick LeBeau is caught jacking off practice squad running backs?
2) I'm a Pittsburgh native, and that's just what we do. The Pirates have made for an interesting summer, granted - but I need my football fix. If you give me Steelers football and some meaningful Pirates games down the stretch I'll cum the Crater Lake to its fucking brim.
3) Summer blows ass in South Florida. And North Florida, I guess. So in Florida. I guess the Florida Gators have kept a lot of these douches occupied since August, but they can go sew a denim AIDS quilt and fuck off for all that I'm concerned.
4) It might bring me out of this reoccurring hiatus and yinz know you need some damn Vern in your lives.
So let's get down to business. I see POWER RANKINGS all of the time and I don't get them. Yeah, you have preseason power rankings and stuff and then you move teams based on that but fuck that noise. That's too college-y for me. Week one should start fresh from scratch. And also, POWER RANKINGS is vague as f. It's like ALTERNATIVE ROCK. What does it mean? So here in my motherfucking neck of the woods I'm going to list NFL teams, sequentially, by order of how I perceive their awesomeness following that hot, steamy Week 1 action.
1. Them Baltimore Ravens
Is this team chock full of murderers and cocksucking faggots? Absolutely. But as Ray Lewis has shown over the years, incoherent murdering pile jumpers can still be good at football. And even without Suggs, who's money as shit, the Ravens still looked like a damn juggernaut last night in massacring the Bengals. I don't think the Bengals are that good, but they don't suck. And I don't think the Ravens will continue to be this awesome, but they'll be here until they screw it up and Joe Flacco starts being Joe Flacco again. Jk, there's like no way in Cleveland that I'm going to keep this up longer than a week or two.
2. New England Queers
Cincinnati is a little better than Tennessee, so I'm going to put NE second, once again in spite of my intense hatred for everything they stand for (mainly unprotected male-on-male penetration).
Just kidding, I think the homos should be able to marry each other, mainly because IT'S NOT GOING TO TURN ME GAY. But that's another subject for 2 months from now when I write my next post.
Fact is, in spite of their love of penis, New England is once again good as f and they must be afforded this respect. Tennessee is no joke and they didn't stand a chance against the Patriots. It was like a regular absorption tampon going up against Hope Solo's massive, gaping vagina. New England just looked awesome as hell. I'm tempted to put them number 1 now but I've already written number 1 and really, nobody cares.
3. San Francisco 49ers
"OMG Vern, your top teams beat middling doucheteams and the 49ers beat Green Bay! IN GREEN BAY!" Come on, doug. Don't act like 3rd is anything to scoff at.
And - I guess - I just thought the top 2 were awesomer. Green Bay didn't look like the world beaters they typically have been. Could that be because it was a matchup of two top teams and everything's relative? Absolutely, and we'll find out next week. Plus, it's going to take a bit more to convince me that Alex Smith isn't slightly above average at best.
But, as you will typically overhear in and around San Francisco - that D was awesome.
4. St. Louis Rams
What? The fucking Rams in fourth? Yep. Because this ranking is just based on awesomeness and that was pretty awesome how the Rams embarrassed Matt Stafford and those dickhead Lions in Detroit.
So I'm ranking the Rams in fourth, a team that would have an easier time picking up a Wi-Fi signal in North Korea than they would scoring an offensive touchdown, above not only the team that beat them but also on top of like 27 other NFL teams? Yeah, because I hate the Lions and I thought it was awesome that the lowly Rams picked off every other pass that Matt Stafford threw.
But - man, that's crazy how all of the sudden I hate the Lions. First off - I LOVE Barry Sanders as a player. Favorite non-Steeler player of all-time, maybe number one from any team. Secondly - this team blew ass for so long that they were a Cleveland-style non-entity for like, forever and then all of the sudden a year or two goes by and I hate them ferociously. Take it as a complement, Lion fans. And then get fucked, probably late by Ndamowhatever Suh after you've already handed off and the running back sprints right by him.
5. Tampa Bay Bucs
Hey, this team just looked pretty damn awesome from what I saw yesterday. They were throttling Carolina's offense. Might Carolina suck? Yes. Were the Bucs last year reminiscent of an ITT Tech flag football league team? Yes. But hey, this team made the playoffs two years ago, so who the fuck knows. Carolina ain't great but you'd expect them to move the ball around on Tampa and they didn't do a damn thing. So enjoy the 5 spot, Bucs.
6. Houston Texans
Did the Texans throttle the lowly Dolphins? Yeah. Did we hear muffled screams from the Dolphins as they bound, duct-taped and raped, sounding like Anne Frank in sonar? Absolutely. So why aren't the Texans higher? Because, well - I actually watched this game and they didn't look unstoppable or anything. The Dolphins are just that bad. Like, really really really bad. We'll get to them when they come up.
The Texans took awhile to get going and never really looked like they were just dominating the game. It was mostly facilitated by Dolphin suck. I'd call it rape by attrition. So I'm going to hold off a week before I say the Texans are still one of the teams to beat in the American Football C.
7. Denver Broncos
Peyton Manning is still alive and still in Peyton Manning mode. The Steelers got no pressure on him, and he still found wide-open dudes all over the field. The improvements that the Broncos made on defense last year (see: drafting Von Miller) are still there and the offense is capable of scoring points on it's own before there are 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter. And see: that's the fuckin' difference. Last year this team might have found a way, somehow, to squeak by the Steelers off of a flukey fumble recovery and a Tebow-lead 17 yard drive into 50-yard field goal range with 12 seconds left. This time, they already had it easily won by Tebow Time. The same phenomenon works in Ben Roethlisberger's favor to make him the clutchiest player of all time when in reality he was just dicking around for 3 quarters when he could have been building a two-touchdown lead. But I've gone over that before. Point is, while the Broncos didn't look dominant, they looked pretty damn complete as a team. And in a salary capped league where just about every team has a glaring weakness, that's a pretty good predictor of success.
8. Atlanta Falcons
Why are the Falcons only 8th? Because I watched zero minutes of this game and am only going on perceived awesomeness. You never know with KC - see the start to last year. But that's still a taint-stomping that the Falcons put on the Chefs. So just fly around in 8th, you cunty birds.
9. NY Jets
I watched very little of this game. Supposedly, NY's offense was rocking. But it's still lead by Mark Sanchez and still probably sucks and was still playing Buffalo, who are capable of a Buffalo-performance at just about any time.
If the Jets come in and Scott Peterson the Steelers, then I'll probably be forced to respek.
In the interim, fuck them and Tebow.
10. Washington Redskins
Didn't see much of this one, but supposedly RGIII was awesome and dominated some ass. And it was against the Saints, in New Orleans. So why am I ranking the Indians so low? Because I've seen their roster and I know how much it sucks. It's terrible. One of the worst rosters in the entire NFL talentwise. Cam Newton came out last year guns a-blazin' and almost knocked off the Packers among other things, but in the end, the overall ehhh-ness of the roster limited them to average at best. I see the same thing happening to Washington the rest of the way.
Yeah, the Bucs roster sucks too, but they looked awesome. You've got time, Washington. Make me look bad to whoever actually reads this shit.
11. Dallas Cowboys
Yeah, they beat the defending Super Bowl champs in their house, but - I don't know. The Giants are an enigma. They aren't that great, they sneak into the playoffs and then they just run shit. They have a colander for an offensive line. Their secondary is eh. Eli doesn't go into Eli-Mode until they get to 9-7. And while I like Tony Romo and think he gets a bad rap, these two teams just bore me. I don't know what to think about them when they play each other. Like, is Kevin Ogletree going to catch 32 TDs this year or what? I kind of doubt it. At least DeMarco Murray looked like a boss.
They'll have a decent test going into Seattle to face a team that blows but plays in a difficult environment that requires a long trip through two time zones and smells like mocha. If this doesn't turn the players gay, Dallas should probably win by 2 TDs if they are fa rill.
12. New York Giants
I guess I'll put them here. I don't know. This team is tricky. They certainly had their chances on Wednesday and their defense looks bossy at times, but then a cornerback takes a nap and someone hits a fade on them to take the lead. This team is like the most inconsistent consistent team ever. I guess that makes it entertaining but it makes it hard as hell to trust these sandfuckers in a survivor league.
You also have to figure that Victor Cruz will remember how to catch.
13. Chicago Bears
Oh yeah, da Bears! Stiff Larry and I picked the Bears for our week 1 survivor league and they responded, knocking the Colts around in Andrew Luck's debut. But, given the TV placement, I couldn't watch too much of this one. Larry said that Brandon Marshall dropped two TDs, but that's just what Brandon Marshall does. It's like an Ohioan getting a DUI - that's just how it is and you have to accept it. But that + Alshon Jeffrey is still like eons better than the failed abortion of an offense the Bears have been trotting out there in years past. Do you realize that one of this team's like, top 5 quarterbacks ever is Erik fucking Kramer? Let that sink in for a second. If you picked a Bears all-time team on Madden, Mushin Muhammad might be your starting wide receiver. That just isn't right.
14. Green Bay Packers
I guess they have to go somewhere. They didn't look very good from what I saw but, man - it's them 49ers and they are legit as f. Packers still had a shot in this one. Let's just keep them just above the middle for now.
15. San Diego Chargers
Saw a little bit of this game, and the Chargers put together a drive and then I went to sleep. East Coast bias. Or, maybe I HAVE TO FUCKING GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT AND THIS SHITFUCKING GAME STARTED AT LIKE 10 FUCKING 45. So suck my dick, San Diego.
16. Oakland Raiders
...and then, let me finish on your face, Oakland.
McFadden looks good. The rest of the offense looks like they escaped a methadone clinic. At least they have Rolando McClain and the defense. Ron Bartell looked like a man possessed, which is odd, because...what kind of fucked-up evil spirit would possess Ron Bartell???
17. Minnesota Vikings
Hey, they looked competent at times last year but overall they just don't have the talent. AP is back and Jared Allen is a damn grown-ass man, and then Percy Harvin when he doesn't have hot flashes is a hell of a weapon, and Ponder looks like he may actually develop into somebody that doesn't suck, but...who is left? Well, Harrison Smith looked like a good pick as well. But that's it. And they beat Blaine Gabbert and the Jaguars, so just not enough yet on the ol' resume. Wait until they go into Indianapolis next week and zzzzzzzzzzz
18. New Orleans Saints
Was it Bountygate? Do they just suck that badly on defense regardless? Did they miss Sean Payton's pre-game hummers? Who knows, but I think America is over them so no one really cares. This team hasn't been all that great for years when you look at the overall team, but they had Drew Brees. Eventually, at some point, combine that with losing the few great players that you did have and it's easily a step back. This may be the team that you bet against for the first few weeks of 2012 and clean up before Vegas wakes up and stops making them double-digit favorites over Kansas City.
19. Fucking Steelers
As this was the only game I watched in it's entirety, and since I follow them Steelers, I think the bad was magnified. The receivers gained no separation. The D got no pressure on Tall-head Manning. They couldn't run. Half of the line got hurt again, as usual. They forced a whopping 6 incomplete passes.
But, all that said, they had a chance to drive for the win late before Tracy Porter did what Tracy Porter does and jumped Rapey Ben's route for a pick-6. So, if the odds are favorable...hell yeah I'd bet on them next week when Tebow comes to town.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars
Was it because they played Minnesota? Or does Blaine Gabbert have a shot at not being awful as fuck? We'll see next week when Houston comes into the....the....uh....the whatever the fuck they call going into Jacksonville's stadium.
And now, basically a bunch of teams that hopelessly suck.
21. Arizona Cardinals
They won, but it was against Seattle, and it almost wasn't a win, and it happened when Million Dollar Man Kolb came in in relief of somehow starting John Skelton and started facefucking the ball into Fitzgerald's hands. Which isn't a bad strategy. But I'm sorry, this team isn't good, and they never really were. They were 8-8 in that Super Bowl season when Warner and Fitz got hot. They probably wouldn't have ever made the playoffs in any other division during the last few years. So this win just didn't impress me or Shania Twain much.
22. Indianapolis Colts
They have to go somewhere. Why not here.
23. Carolina Panthers
Didn't get stomped. I guess you could move them up because I think they easily beat teams 21 and up. In fact, so do the...
24. Tennessee Titans
...but they got stomped and have to go somewhere that reflects that. Team's decent, was ok last year, and Jake Locker is no slouch. So I may bet on them in coming weeks if they are at home and the betting line doesn't give them any love.
25. Cincinnati Bengals
Well - this team is actually pretty good but fuck, they just got ass-raped on National TV and I usually don't see that unless I'm at xnxx (dot) com. I don't want that to actually link. Maybe they'll rebound and not get beat by 31 next week when they host Cleveland. But it would be f-ing hilarious if they did. So I hope it happens.
26. Seattle Seahawks
I think they have better overall players than Arizona, but their QB sucked and they just weren't awesome at all, so they go here. I think Pete Carroll was starting Russell Wilson partly to made some sort of odd point, like "hey, money really doesn't matter, look at us and our midget rookie QB!". I'd end that soon and start Flynn, regardless of how he looked in preseason. He has documented history of torching NFL defenses in games that matter. I don't care if it was with Green Bay's offense.
What really sucks is that Ken Whisenhunt would probably fuck Magic Johnson raw to get him in a trade but Seattle wouldn't even consider giving those dicks a QB that can hit a receiver past 5 yards.
27. Detroit Lions
There is absolutely nothing awesome about being embarrassed by St. Louis's excuse for a team, whether you pull out the win in the end or not. It was that classic "good team gets lucky as shit and somehow comes back at the end to overcome all of their previous suck" games that I hate. I don't care if they didn't have a third down during the last two drives - they were the opposite of awesome. Stafford's lucky that he only threw the picks that he did, too. I'm sure they'll rebound but it would have been really, really nice to see a third of the participants in every survivor league in America knocked out by the Rams in week 1. For now I'll just have to settle for a week's worth of relative silence from Detroit fans.
28. Kansas City Chefs
I mean, I think they can be a good time but they are another enigma team and when you get raped like they did, even if you hung with the Falcons for the first half, you have to go to the bottom. Sorry.
29. Buffalo Williams
See above. But this one is a bit worse because they were getting stomped early and Fitzpatrick looked awful.
30. Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins are the most boring team ever assembled. They have been for years. They are a lock to finish between 6-10 and 8-8 every year, ensuring that they'll miss out on a top-5 draft pick. Or, they'll be the best 1-15 team in NFL history and get the number one pick - but it's in the Jake Long year. Their roster has been the most averagest roster ever assembled. No real weaknesses, nothing even approaching a strength. Cam Wake and Long may be the only Dolphins that would go in the top 10 rounds if the NFL dispersed their rosters and did a fantasy draft.
But now, they are starting to get worse. Yep - that team described above is actually getting worse and even more boring. They are rebuilding without the chips to rebuild. Their coach came across as the most middle-manager-type person ever on Hard Knocks. Jeff Ireland is a ginger prick who can't build a roster to save his damn life. Their rookie QB looks at his number one receiver, sees that he is Davone Bess and turns to his number two only to see that it's Brian fucking Hartline. Or, he can look in the flat and dump it to Reggie Bush. OR, he can look in the middle for Tony Fasano! OR, he can take a gun and shoot himself in the fucking head. This team blows ass and has no shot at 6 wins this year. They just have too few qualified NFL players.
31. Philadelphia Eagles
Oh my God did this team look putrid last weekend. Holy fuck. This was my survivor pick in one of my leagues because the Browns are that bad, and Vick went out and did everything he could to lose to them. It's like he was trying to electrocute a dog and the wires kept short circuiting and the dog is bloody and cut and whimpering for it's life and Vick is trying to put it down but he can't get enough of a shock to kill it so he tries to drown it but doesn't really have the heart to do it so it's like he's waterboarding the dog and he finally tries to run over it with his Escalade but it won't start because the alternator is bad. Like, the Browns actually had a great chance to win but some dude in the end zone dropped a pick that would have sealed it and Vick hit the game winner a play or two later and finally killed that pesky dog. Either Vick reverted back to 2006 form or Vince Young put on Vick's jersey and tricked everybody. It was like a right-handed kid with Asperger's trying to throw lefty. It was awful. And it wasn't the worst.
32. Cleveland Browns
Holy fucking shit does this team blow dicks. Brandon Weeden's QB rating wasn't even high enough to get you a DUI. Greased Pig Richardson and his balky knee ran for like 28 yards. They had four picks and still lost. They are awful as hell.
With Weeden, they look hopeless. With Colt McCoy, you know they are hopeless.
I'd seriously stop following football if I were a Browns fan. Like fa rill. I wouldn't be able to take it. Props to all of you who manage. Guhhhhhhh with like 100 H-es.
Alright. So that's it for now. Don't be afraid to use these foolproof awesome rankings for your betting next weekend!
Handwritten in cursive by Business Horse at 5:20 PM