Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Roast of Brenda Warner



*raucous applause*

Kurt Warner: Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming tonight to roast my beautiful wife, Brenda Warner. We're gonna have some fun tonight, guys, I think you can be sure of that. But before we get to the jokes, let's bow our heads for a prayer.

Dear God, thank you for bringing us here safely tonight and for giving us the opportunity to hold this charity event. Thank you for the food and alcohol that we are fortunate to serve to our guests tonight. Thank you for the bountiful blessings you have bestowed upon our families to get to this point in our lives. And please, please let someone else fuck my wife tonight so I don't have to. HEY-YO!!!!



Ok, let's bring up the first roaster, Mike Martz, who will apparently be doing this via headset.

*applause, Mike Martz walks to the podium*


Thanks, Kurt. Finally using that bulldyke wife of yours to give something back to the kids, eh? I guess it's better than holding a Melissa Etheridge concert.


Ladies and Gentleman, if you want to know how bad it was before Kurt made it to the NFL, just look at his wife. He actually thought this chick was hot. This guy makes $8 million a year now and his biggest claim to fame is still the fact that his wife invented the Guido haircut.


I see Dick Vermeil is here.


Dick Vermeil, everybody. Dick fucking Vermeil. Dick is the only person on the planet that Nancy Kerrigan has told to stop crying like a bitch.


This guy rode my offense to a Super Bowl win like it was a 17 year old girl drunk on wine coolers and he was Mark Chmura.


But enough with Dick, wouldn't want to hurt his tender feelings. You fucking bitch, Dick Vermeil.

I see Ken Whisenhunt is here.


Ahh, Ken Whisenhunt. The only coach in NFL history to make the playoffs before he got a win outside his division.


Whisenhunt actually got passed over for a black guy. In a fucking recession! Were you working in the NFL or in a fucking shoe factory?


Good God. But enough of that. Let's go to the guest of honor, Brenda Warner.


Where's Brenda...oh! Sorry, Brenda. For a second there I thought you were Aquaman in drag.


What the fuck is up with your hair, Brenda? At least try to look like a woman. The fuck. Regardless, it's nice that Kurt and Brenda are so close. They are so close that Brenda actually showers with Kurt in the locker room after the games. Or at least we're told, since nobody on the team actually noticed.


Nice half sleeves, Brenda. Did you give the other half to Allen Iverson?


In all honestly, Brenda, congratulations on all the good you have done for the community and for Kurt. Your faith is really an inspiration to us all. Kurt owes so much of what he has become to your strength and support.


I just hope he sucks your dick tonight to thank you.



Thanks, Coach Martz. I'm sure I speak for everybody when I say I can't wait to see what your offense can accomplish in the Canadian League next year.


Let's welcome our next roaster, Dick Vermeil.


Thanks, Kurt. I'll try not to cry today like I did when I realized that you would be quarterbacking my football team when Trent Green went down.


I still wonder just how good we could have been if we didn't have a shelf-stocker behind center that year.

Thanks for the shoutout, Mike Martz. I think it's remarkable that you have hung around the coaching ranks for this long after singlehandedly destroying so many teams. You are like a staph infection with a headset.


I retired three years ago and I'm still more relevant than you.

I see Larry Fitzgerald made it tonight.


The Predator! Larry Fitzgerald shares a great deal with the movie character, as both are absolutely unstoppable freaks of nature.

Of course, even the Predator in the movie didn't have any restraining orders against him. If you hit defenders as hard as you hit women, you could be Adrian Wilson.


But let's not dilly-dally around. We came here tonight to roast Mrs. Warner.



I know I said I wouldn't cry tonight, but that was before I stared directly at Brenda Warner's face.


Brenda, you really do make a grown man cry. I know you are a very devout religious person, maybe you could give up Supercuts for Lent?


Seriously, Kurt. Kanye would be proud. This is the marriage equivalent of winning the Super Bowl and driving off in a Hyundai.


Brenda, I'm jealous of your faith. I mean, to really think that Kurt isn't out cheating on you after every game? Christ, David Duchovny wouldn't even fuck you.



Thanks, you fucking white-haired vagina.

Brenda, I'm really proud of you for sitting up here and taking this abuse like a man.


Don't let any of these jokers get to you. You've got a fucking blubbering excuse for a head coach and a career offensive coordinator, the likes of whom combined to win one Super Bowl with perhaps the greatest offense of all-time. Mike Martz has killed so many teams that you'd think he was a pilot at Marshall.


I wouldn't have it any other way, Brenda. It's like I'm Dwyane Wade and you are my Star Jones. Or I'm Ashton Kutcher and you are my fucking old ass washed up Demi Moore. I guess I should tone it down, our adopted kids might be watching.


But it wouldn't be fair to do this without giving you a chance to respond, so come on up.


Thanks, Kurt! Let's get this over with quickly so I can get back to fucking Edgerrin James.


I'm just thankful God blessed me with a journeyman quarterback of a husband capable of throwing lob passes to some of the greatest receiving corps in the history of the NFL. One great thing about this season was that we found out how good Jay Fiedler could have been had he been placed in the right situation.


And you, Dick Vermeil...I talk to Jesus, and even He can't tell me why you are such a fucking labia. God damn it, would you stop crying already??? I swear, we'll leave Britney alone.


Mike couldn't coach a college senior into an unconscious freshman chick. Mike Singletary took his pants off in the locker room and you made him look like the reasonable coach in San Francisco. Martz, if you killed any more offenses I'd think you were riding shotgun with Leonard Little.


But that's all I've got for today. Sure, I may look like a dude, but I married an NFL quarterback when he was working the shelves at a Hy-Vee. You think we have a pre-nup? Yeah. Fuck that. All I have to do is lay back and hope he can get it up. So all of you can suck my...

*pulls out giant penis*

That's right bitches!


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Mark Madden

Mark Madden is the epitome of love him or hate him. And I hate him. He only seems to put the morons through on his show and loves to berate people to make himself look smarter. See, when I berate people, it's usually through fictional dialogue attributed to random characters and does nothing for my ego in the process. Which is why it's ok.

And since I gots nothing today, I might as well post an article I was alerted to, written by Madden a few years ago about Steelers lockdown corner Ike Taylor. Why do people still take this guy seriously?


Mark's Madness: Steelers make history with worst draft pick ever

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

The Steelers made history Sunday. They made their worst draft pick ever.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I like a good bad draft choice. I derived as much enjoyment from the reigns of error provided by Troy Edwards, Jamain Stephens and Deon Figures as I did from the Super Bowl years. Being indescribably bad is often more intriguing than being incomparably good.

Which brings us to Ike Taylor, the Steelers' fourth-round pick out of Louisiana-Lafayette.

Louisiana-Lafayette is technically Division I-A, but the football program's primary purpose seems to be to pick up big paydays by acting as a record-building punching bag for larger schools like, well, everybody else.

Taylor's claim to fame during his one season at cornerback for Louisiana-Lafayette was that he knocked four people out of games, two via concussive effect and two via sprains. My attempt to check if Taylor sprained the knee of Middle Tennessee receiver Tyrone Calico by using (whoooo!) the figure-four leglock proved inconclusive. Check the video? Yeah, like that game was on TV anywhere.

Taylor was a tailback at Louisiana-Lafayette in 2001, making the team as a walk-on. Taylor's draft profile on says he did not play in 2000 because he "concentrated on academics." Before that, he was a Prop 48. Before that, he was dumb. Probably still is.

Probably not dumb enough to pick himself in the fourth round, though. This pick makes no sense. On a scale of one to 10, Ourlads Scouting Service gave Taylor a one. They projected him to be drafted when hell froze over.

But Taylor is a Steeler. I guarantee he will make the team. Taylor could lose a leg at rookie camp, have a lobotomy at minicamp and develop a heroin habit at training camp, and he would make the Steelers. When a team makes a bad draft choice, cutting him right away fairly screams the club's stupidity in all-too-short order.

At 6-foot, 197 pounds with 4.33 speed in the 40-yard dash, Taylor could turn out to be the latter-day Mel Blount. Or the black Scott Shields. I'm betting on the latter.

Said Steelers defensive backs coach Willy Robinson -- yes, someone actually admits to having that job -- "The one thing you can't do is teach a guy to be 6 feet, almost 6-1, 197 pounds and run a 4.3 like he can." How come no one ever drafted Jesse Owens?

With all those marvelous physical attributes, how did Taylor wind up at Louisiana-Lafayette? Why wasn't he at Southern California with Troy Polamalu? Wouldn't a big-time school take a Prop 48 recruit that projected as a fourth-round NFL draft pick? Absolutely. But while you can't teach anyone to be 6 feet, 197 pounds and run a 4.3, you probably can't teach Taylor to play football.

Taylor played four different positions in high school, two in college. You say that's because he's versatile. I say it's because he couldn't figure out any one position.

Taylor will be a total bust for the Steelers. The only person he hurts will be me after he reads this column.

The choice of rag-armed Boston College quarterback Brian St. Pierre in the fifth round stinks, too. The Steelers did that just for the sake of drafting a quarterback. In the seventh round, I understand the Steelers drafted a fullback. Do NFL teams still use fullbacks?

Other than that, I liked the Steelers draft. Seriously. As bad as the choices of Taylor, St. Pierre and what's-his-name are, the selections of Polamalu and Alonzo Jackson fit like hand in glove.

The Steelers needed a safety. Polamalu was the top safety in the draft.

Did the Steelers give too much to trade up to No. 16? Probably. Could they have moved up a little less high, given a bit less, and still gotten Polamalu? Probably. But the Steelers got the man they wanted. Given that, and given the need, you can't fault taking Polamalu.

Jackson was a slight reach in the second round. But he's a true pass-rushing specialist. The Steelers' defense hasn't been the same since Kevin Greene left town. Greene was far from a complete player. But he gave the Steelers an extra dimension that struck fear in foes and gave the opposing quarterback less time to make decisions.

Jackson played defensive end at Florida State. The Steelers will make him into an outside linebacker. I just hope they don't try to make him into a complete player. Don't teach Jackson how to drop back into coverage. Just let him be Kevin Greene.

Jackson will play rush end in the dime, which might turn into a nickel if Bill Cowher's post-draft comments prove accurate. I hope they do. If getting Jackson, Kendrell Bell, Jason Gildon and Joey Porter on the field at the same time means going with only five defensive backs in passing situations, so be it.

Play your best athletes. Leaving Bell off the field for passing downs last season was criminal.

I'm chock-full of enthusiasm about the ridiculous choice of Taylor. Just as this generation of Steelers fans (cough) deserves its own Super Bowl team, it also deserves to experience a replay of the shame of 1989, when the Steelers' 1-2 first-round punch of Tim Worley and Tom Ricketts ultimately made grown men weep. And drink.

Of course, I'm hardly infallible when it comes to judging this sort of thing.

I liked the choice of Edwards in 1999. Hey, gotta get a receiver, right? Wrong. I also spoke glowingly of Shields' physical skills when the safety from Weber State was chosen in the second round that same year. Conversely, I decried the choice of Antwaan Randle-El in the second round last season.

But I stand by my condemnation of Ike Taylor. Ike Turner would have been a better choice. Talk about a big hitter.


That's honestly some of the dumbest stuff I've ever read, even before he brings up the great pick that was Alonzo Jackson. There's no problem in thinking Jackson was a good pick, but Madden's rationale for bashing the Taylor pick is just laughable at best. Why did no one draft Jesse Owens? Probably because he was busy with the Olympics and the game was slightly different in NINETEEN FUCKING THIRTY SIX. This is a league where teams have considered bringing Usain Bolt in and a few have even brought Justin Gatlin in for tryouts. Madden, you fat fuck.

I don't even have anything against fat people. Just Mark Madden and his faux-supergeniusness. I hate him so much that I just copied and pasted something I read and called it a blog post. I am not usually that lazy. That's how much I hate Mark Madden. I hope he gets waterboarded with Michael Vick's sperm.

There are few people in this world I would rather punch in the face than Mark Madden. I don't even hate Hannity as much as I hate this fucker.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

New Gunpowder Jones CD coming soon

Gunpowder Jone's highly anticipated third CD, "Make It Rainbow", is due to hit the internets within a month or so. This one as with the previous two features reused beats and no star power. It can be yours for the small price of completely free.

I know you all need your Gunpowder Jones fix, and I'm doing the best that I can. In the meantime, is your home for all things GPJ.


Monday, January 26, 2009

Don't just go sucking any dick during the Super Bowl

Greetings again, Floridians, from Governor Charlie Crist. As you are likely aware, Super Bowl XLIII will be coming to our great state shortly, bringing an influx of football fans from the rest of the country to the Tampa Bay area. Steeler fans, Cardinal fans and other assorted football people will be arriving shortly to spend the week before the big game. And, if you are like me, you have but one thing on your mind....tons of fresh dick.

The Cardinals come in hot, having cruised through their three playoff games to make it to the Super Bowl. They are a high-octane pass-happy offense led by Kurt Warner...sound familiar? Shades of the Greatest Show on Turf with this team. But Warner's wide receivers this year may be even better than the great ones he worked with in St. Louis, which is probably a very scary thought for Steelers fans. So, please understand the apprehension they may have if you end up sucking one of their dicks.

The Steelers also come in hot, having won their playoff games. Crazy how both teams in the Super Bowl always seem to be on winning streaks. The Steelers have done it old school with their defense while just getting enough offensive production to win. Led by Troy Polamalu and Defensive MVP James Harrison, the Steelers defense is sure to smother the Cardinals passing game to some degree, especially considering that the Cardinals and their fans are just happy to be here. Remember that when looking for dick...the happy Cardinal fans may indeed be your best option.

But please, don't just go sucking any dick. You have no idea where these dicks have been or where they will be going or even what these fresh new dicks may introduce to the area. Don't just go around sucking dicks as you have become accostomed to...please use some discretion when selecting dicks. I know I will, Florida, and I urge you to do the same. And don't get too infatuated with these new dicks, Floridians. After the Super Bowl ends and the new people leave, we'll still be here and all we'll have is each other. Let's not blow the great things we have going on a bunch of exotic new dicks.

Thank you and have a great week.


Yeah, I know that just listing random things is the lowest form of bloggering. You know, Jay Mohr level stuff. Stuff anyone can do. But hey, I'm anyone. So I'm gonna do it. I just took a trip (ON A PLANE!!!!) over the last four days and every time I do that it leaves me with a bunch of strange thoughts. I hope I can remember them now.

- I hate Randomtalk Jacksons. You know, the people that just try to strike up a conversation with you and continue it when you show that you aren't interested. Be it in line at an airport, at the checkout line in a grocery store, or even while I'm sitting behind a bush in a parking lot jacking it to thoughts of Stephanie Tanner. Yes, guy with a Florida hat, bag, t-shirt and soul, I am wearing a Florida Gators hat. No, I didn't graduate. They are a pretty popular university for their athletics, dude. I just like the team. Now go sit down and touch yourself while thinking of Danny Wuerffel.

- Charles "Sully" Sullenberger's biggest contribution was not the fact that he saved all of those people's lives when he landed his plane in the Hudson River. His absolute biggest contribution was the fact that he made plane crash humor lighthearted again. Now, when the lady (or gay dude) on the plane is doing the run down on the oxygen masks or the floatation devices under the seat, people aren't like, "hey, what are we going to need oxygen for when we are dying a firey death?", followed by frightened glances and forced smirks. Now, people are like "yeah, in case we have to land this motherfucker in Lake Okeechobee" and everyone's like "LOL!" and "plus one to you, sir!" and it's just so much more jubilant.

- Speaking of the landing in the Hudson, stop believing the news anchors when they say "reports indicate that the water was 20 degrees!". I heard them say as low as 8 degrees. EIGHT FUCKING DEGREES. Here, let me show you a picture of a river when the water is 8 fucking degrees:

- I saw a Bentley drive by while I was waiting for a ride home from the airport. I thought to myself that if that Bentley would have picked me up, I would have mentioned that it was the most expensive vehicle I'd ever rode in. They I would have paused and been like "wait, I just got off of a $100 million plane".

- I hate the phrase "deplane" in regards to clearing off an airplane. A plane can be deplaned, we can deplane the plane, you can probably describe a plane as deplaned. It's retard in noun, verb and adjective forms. But you only use it for planes. You don't call somebody up and say "yo, I just pulled up in front of your house...should I decar now?", or "yeah, it took a little longer for the 4th graders to debus today". When I degauss my computer monitor, I don't have to get out of my gauss to do it. So I'm going to punch the next person that says that right in their child.

- I hate people who criticize others for "selling out". I would sell out so fast if given the chance. Life's too short to actually have to work during it. If Chevrolet offered me $500 to change the name of this blog to "You Lay on the Ice Like the All-New '09 Chevy Avalanche", I'm not only doing it, I'm also letting everyone that works for Chevrolet take their turn face-fucking my wife. Assuming I'm married when it happens.

- It's official Steelers week here on planet Earth. If there aren't going to be enough Cardinals fans to argue with, I figure our best shot is to make everyone else hate us. Do your part, fans of the 5-time Super Bowl champs.

That's all I have. For now. Because I know there was more. I should invest in a notepad of sorts.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Patriot fans still can't let it go

Look at that stud of a man. John Molori. Looking as badass as ever. From that picture you may think that he is a Secret Service agent or possibly works in the Jet Propulsion Lab mixing dangerous chemicals with his bare hands. But you'd be wrong. The guy's main job is to cry about the Steelers being cheap shot artists and get the usual band of New England retahhhds to put their Guinness hats on and stumble out of the wordwork.

Carson Palmer knows it, so does Tom Brady and Matt Hasselbeck. Now, Willis McGahee knows it too. The Pittsburgh Steelers are cheap shot artists, plain and simple. They have been since Bill Cowher became their head coach in 1992, and they remain so with Mike Tomlin at the helm.

Aside from the obvious fact that you can't tear someone's ACL on command...when did a Steelers player ever cheap shot Matt Hasselbeck? Was it verbal? Did Larry Foote yell at him?

It is intrinsic in the game plan devised by defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau to take every opportunity to hurt the opposition whenever possible. Latter day Steeler football is all about blindside hits and helmet first shots. They rely on the consistent ignorance of NFL officials and the blind eye of the league to get away with it.

Please, back that up. Latter day Steeler football? Of course. Who can forget when Joseph Smith founded the team in 1837? Jeez. Lay Wes Welker out once while the ball is still in the air and get more panties in a bunch than in Oscar De La Hoya's laundry basket.

Steeler fans and the national media who seem to genuflect at the mere mention of this organization should stop sidestepping the issue and embrace what their team is, a band of thugs, no more, no less.

If this was your objective, to rile people up by saying idiotic things based on a hit that you didn't like, then +1 to you, good sir. You currently have one point. And who can forget Rodney Harrison making dirty hit after dirty hit from his perch across from Carnell Lake?

The media is especially guilty. In the wake of Ryan Clark’s dirty hit on Baltimore running back Willis McGahee late in Sunday’s AFC title game, announcers Jim Nantz and Phil Simms immediately exonerated Clark calling the hit perfectly legal. Their replays showed that Clark’s hit was clearly helmet-to-helmet, but Steeler love had taken over the broadcast booth. Clearly, this legendary team could never administer a dirty hit. Please.

That's a legal hit, you fucking moron. And that's what they said. First, and this is going based on actual NFL rules so you may be in the dark here, it is not illegal to go helmet to helmet on a runner with the ball. He wasn't a defenseless receiver. Second, just that, the players defending themselves, is what led to the "dirty" hit in question. Clark leads with his shoulder, McGahee puts his head down to brace for impact and their helmets collide. You can tell by the way Clark went down that he did not intend to hit McGahee like that. This stuff happens in football games, where bands of thugs run full speed to impress NFL teams and earn contracts to help them pay off all of their bail money and child support.

Then some guy named beisbolct steps in to further the argument.

It’s no surprise that Simms let Clark off the hook. He has, in the past, cowered, or shall I say, Cowher-ed similarly. In the first half of the 2002 AFC title game between the Steelers and New England, Simms failed to take a stand when Steelers linebacker Jason Gildon rolled over onto Tom Brady’s legs nearly injuring the Pats’ QB.

Yes. Phil Simms loves the Steelers. He'll admit it if you manage to sneak in a conversation with him after he's done blowing Ed Reed.

I'd also like to know how Jason Gildon "nearly injured" Tom Brady, and if he could have injured him, why didn't he? He probably couldn't do any more damage than Brady's surgeon has already done. I feel bad for New England fans that Phil Simms doesn't immediately step to their defense when their football players get touched innappropriately, just like their young Catholic boys.

Later in the half, when Lee Flowers delivered his infamous dirty hit to Brady’s leg knocking him out of the game, Simms was again mum.

Infamous? Maybe it's still talked about at Boston area kid-molesting parties, but that's about it.

In the second half of that game, New England’s Ty Law shoved Hines Ward while the two were out of bounds. Referee Ed Hochuli tagged Law for unnecessary roughness, but failed to call Ward for a blatant facemask.

Last year, Vince Wilfork gouged out a lineman's eyes in the regular season game against the Giants last year. He was also fined for delivering an unquestionably cheap shot to JP Losman's legs and almost suspended after a hit on Jay Cutler. He's one of the thuggiest players in the NFL. Do you people not get your own games on TV up there?

CBS showed several replays of the call, and not once did Simms remark on the obvious facemask. But this is Steeler football, baby. Smile to the cameras. Hire a coach that sucks up to the media and loves to be on TV, and you can get away with anything.

Damn it, Phil Simms! Come to our defenses! Be our obviously Steeler-biased knight in shining armor! At least all the Steelers were doing with cameras over the past 8 years was smiling at them.

Monday, on SIRIUS NFL Radio, Randy Cross and Solomon Wilcots also defended Clark’s hit on McGahee. Wilcots said that there was a little helmet to helmet contact, but stood up for the Steelers. Cross actually said that helmet to helmet hits on a runner do not exist, whatever that means. The pair then chuckled about Willis McGahee being “liquified.” Yeah guys, seeing a player carried off on a stretcher always tickles my funny bone. Later in the show, Cross and Wilcots seemed more concerned about the health and state of Clark than McGahee.


If you don't know "whatever that means" that helmet-to-helmet hits on a runner don't exist, read above. It can be explained in one sentence. You guys are obviously huge fans of the sport.

Later in the evening, Solomon Wilcots was spotted inside of Willis McGahee's hospital room wearing a Norm Johnson jersey and urinating directly into McGahee's feeding tube.

Pittsburgh’s recent history of cheap shots is the stuff of which championships are made. The Steelers’ only Super Bowl title since the Reagan administration was a direct result of perhaps the most fiendish hit in recent memory.

The Steelers only title in the past twenty years in a league of 32 teams? Also, Wilfork's hit on Losman was orders of magnitude cheaper than Von Oelhoffen's hit on Palmer. Again, they sacked Peyton Manning like 5 times the next week. Why didn't they take him out?

Flash back to the 2005 NFL Wild Card playoffs, Pittsburgh at Cincinnati. The Bengals had finally put together a great season led by quarterback Carson Palmer. They looked every bit the championship team until Pittsburgh’s Kimo von Oelhoffen delivered a vile hit damaging Palmer’s ACL, MCL and PCL. The cheap shot ended the Bengals title hopes and changed the balance of power in the AFC North for the rest of the decade.

They looked every bit the championship team for the 2 plays of the game that happened before that hit.

Once again, the Steeler apologists immediately absolved von Oelhoffen of any wrongdoing. In true Steeler fashion, von Oelhoffen said he did not mean to hurt Palmer, the same way Ryan Clark sat on the Pittsburgh bench Sunday night seemingly remorseful about his hatchet job on McGahee. Sorry guys, in both cases, the damage had already been done. Palmer has never truly recovered from that hit, and has battled other injuries ever since.

True Steeler fashion, right there. On any other team, Clark would have came out lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills earmarked for Darfur, jacking off on stage while discussing how he intended to paralyze Willis McGahee.

Also, blaming Von Oelhoffen's hit for Carson Palmer's current shoulder injury would be like blaming the 50 Cent-Ja Rule beef for the civil war in Rwanda.

The beloved Steelers of course went on to win the Super Bowl against Seattle in one of the worst officiated games in Super Bowl history. Most of the bad calls, of course, went in favor of Pittsburgh. First time Super Bowl referee Bill Leavy and his crew negatively affected the outcome of the game in embarrassing fashion.

They missed several offside calls against Pittsburgh, called a phantom hold on Seahawk Sean Locklear nullifying a big reception by Jerramy Stevens and called a bogus block below the waist on Seattle QB Matt Hasselbeck.

Several offsides calls? Never heard that one. Also, the phantom hold was easily confirmed up by replay as a hold and the bogus block below the waist on Hasselbeck was a block below the waist that you are not allowed to do and was by no means a game changing penalty. The interception had already occurred. But feel free to continue making stuff up, it gives me things to write about.

A called fumble by Hasselbeck was correctly overturned by replay, but a clear helmet first hit by Deshea Townsend on Hasselbeck with 6:20 left in the game went ignored. Another dirty Steeler hit, another non-call by officials, another bogus Steeler victory.

Another bogus Steeler victory marred by a brutal Deshea Townsend hit.

Watch the video. The hit happens about 8 minutes into it. The fact that this guy considers that a clear helmet-first dirty cheap hit undermines everything he's ever written in his life, including grocery lists and post-it notes reminding him that sharing needles can lead to HIV.

The Steelers are not only dirty, they are gutless. At least the Raiders of the 1970s accepted what they were. Jack Tatum, George Atkinson and the gang admitted that they were out to injure and maim. The Cowher-Tomlin Steelers seem to want it all. They want to be respected as a hard-hitting football team that does things the right way, yet on the field, their record of questionable actions speaks for itself.

You are now comparing the Deshea Townsend hit linked to above to Jack Tatum. Join our writer next week as he describes the similarities between Dick LeBeau's zone blitz packages and the Holocaust.

The towel waving Steeler fools and the merry band of Black and Gold boosters in the media can try to cloak the cheap shots in fabled glory. Bill Cowher can sit at the CBS anchor desk flapping his chin about hard nosed football, and Mike Tomlin can feign concern for victims of his brand of football. Their words are meaningless. On February 1, the Pittsburgh Steelers may in fact be crowned the NFL’s champs. In truth, they are nothing more than a bunch of chumps.

New England fans like to say that we can't get them out of our head yet they continue to come up with stuff like this to discredit the Steelers at every opportunity. I just don't get how a team that is supposedly so dominant over another in the playoffs can have such an inferiority complex. I didn't know if carried over from their baseball hystrionics. While Pittsburgh is the dirtiest team in the league according to New Englanders, New England is the dirtiest team in the league according to actual video. And I'll trust the video. A picture is worth 1,000 words, or, in the case of Vince Wilfork, about $15,000.

Addition - A good quote from a friend who I consider to have a Ph. D. on this subject:

This really is the most retarded part of it all isn't it. Dude is condemning Cross (Randy Cross is another guy who LOVES him some Stillers by the way) for saying that there's no penalty for helmet to helmet on a ball carrier by doing not an ounce of research to understand the rules and simply writing "whatever that means"?

Furthermore...Tedy Bruschi banged up Duce Staley's knee in a pile in 2004. Richard Seymour kicked a defender in the head when he was lying on the ground after a whistle and Simms said nothing. Simms watched this dirty ass play by Vrabel and responded with WHAT A SPIN MOVE!!! I mean, is there any scenario whereby a Steeler does that and nobody says a fucking word?

Absolutely not. WHAT THE FUCK, SIMMS?!?!?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Disrespecting the Cardinals

Why not? It's been working well in the past.

And the Cardinals have supposedly been riding this no one believes in us train all the way to the Super Bowl. Now they have been designated as 10-point underdogs! What the f. Surely this disrespect will power them over the Steelers in the Super Bowl. That's a hell of a lot of disrespect, man. They might have a royal disrespect flush with their disrespect cards.

And I'm going to raise.

Jesus doesn't care about your football career, Kurt. Really. He doesn't. He doesn't allow you to complete touchdown passes to Larry Fitzgerald just to smite Asante Samuel. He didn't make you an NFL quarterback because you were so faithful bagging groceries. I'm sure a bunch of other grocery baggers pray like rockstars and still end up bagging groceries. You are just able to throw a ball well. You aren't special. You know who else thinks the Lord made him the football player he is today? Ray Lewis. And he killed two people! Really, outside of the dancing and jazz hands, the only difference between you and Ray Lewis is that Ray's wife doesn't look like a dude.

Get that jizz rag off of your face, Larry. Could catch something from that. And I'm not talking about a touchdown pass.

I'm assuming that torching Sheldon Brown and Quentin Demps on trick plays has you fired up and thinking that you are going to continue to light the world on fire in the Super Bowl. But you won't. Two pretty good catches in the playoffs has the media thinking that you are unquestionably the best wide receiver in the league, but be careful...those same lips that they are blowing you with were just on Whisenhunt like 10 minutes ago. Better get some Valtrex.

Oh, Arizona does have a defensive superstar! Adrian Wilson, the Polamalu of the NFC now that Brian Dawkins is 47 years old and everybody else in the conference sucks. They suck hard enough to cover one of Fitzgerald's catches for a local media outlet. But you, Adrian are so unheralded. "Oh look, I'm Adrian Wilson, nobody talks about me". I feel bad for you. But then I remembered that your team plays in the NFC West. Shaun Hill could make Willie Colon look like a game-changer at safety.

For someone who's like, 6'2" and 230 lbs, you sure have quite the little man complex, Boldin. Just because Fitzgerald's better doesn't mean you have to pout like a little bitch while your team punches their ticket to the Super Bowl. Sneaking out the back during the celebration? I hope you end up as a real superstar in Detroit next year. Wait...they have Calvin Johnson. You'll be up to the same tricks. Plus, wherever you go you are going to lose out on the Arizona steroid pipeline. How do you think Thomas Jones and David Boston got so big?

What happened to you, Edge? You used to be good. Did you just go to Arizona to retire like everyone else? Tommy Maddox didn't even get washed up as quickly as you did. And you are grumbling that you don't like being a backup...please. No one is going to bring you in to start for them. And I'm including Canadian League teams in that group as well.

The Whis! You superstar. How did you do it? How did you take a team that many thought was a sleeper and bring it to the playoffs out of one of the weakest divisions in NFL history?? How did you get your team to regroup and beat shaky Atlanta and Philly teams and accept the gift in the the divisional round from Jake Delhomme after all of those blowouts in December? The Steelers fucked up by letting you go, Whis. How the hell were you able to make an offense work while playing in domes and warm-weather climes armed with only the best WR corps in the league and a former MVP quarterback??? Whis could fix the Steelers in a second. His first move would be to move them to the NFC West.

Fuck Whisenhunt. He took the Cardinals to a 9-7 season, going 6-0 inside his division. Impressive. Now everyone's blowing him. Coach of the year! Who would have expected a team we imagined would challenge for a playoff berth to get a playoff berth! And then fight their way through such a murderer's row in the playoffs. It's not your year, Whisenhunt. Not until you get a defense who's greatest strength is something other than hoping that Donovan McNabb misses every open receiver he has in the first half.

That's what I think about the Cardinals. There should be a disrespect bukkake going on all over their faces right now. Let's hope Jesus put money on your team, Warner.

Pile Inspector

Wow, Jerry Jones. Really? Ray Lewis is going to fix your team? For $25 mil over 3 years? Are you that jealous of Dan Snyder's free agents?

As the first comment in the article suggests, Zach Thomas was already supposed to do this. That didn't work. Now it's Ray-Ray's turn to pray away the chemistry issues, I guess. Good luck.

The major implication for Steeler fans comes after Ray leaves Baltimore. Do I still hate them as much? I think so, but I'm not quite sure. Much of the hate that I have accumulated for the Ravens is a direct result of them paying Ray Lewis to work for them. If he retires a Raven it may be different than if he leaves to take Jerry Jones' ridiculous contract, and I wouldn't blame him if he did. That's an assload of money for a 33-year old murderer linebacker and he should take advantage of Jones' senility while the offer is still on the table.

I'd love to see the pile inspector work his magic in the Cowboys locker room. Maybe I'll see what Dan Telvock thinks....after all, he is one of the lead bloggers for all things Dallas Cowboys.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Where have you gone, FJM?

For, Mike Celizic has returned! And he has returned in time to write about the NFL playoffs. While the Fire Joe Morgan guys usually stayed away from the football writing in lieu of commenting on baseball-centric articles, I am just the opposite. I am an NFL fan first and foremost. And so I will once again blatantly rip off their style to keep myself from committing some sort of figurative ritual Seppuku triggered by reading a Celizic article.

Give Cards credit for pulling off Super surprise

Arizona thriving as underdog — because no one foresaw this NFC title

Starting off strong, Celizic...they are thriving as underdog...because no one foresaw this NFC title. That's vintage Celizic. You can see it in his past titles, such as:

"Scott Peterson convicted murderer - because he killed wife on fishing trip"

"Barack Obama taking Presidential oath - because he was elected to that office"

"Neighbor accused of child molestation - because he drives a Ford Econoline van. And molests children in it"

There aren’t enough crows in the world for all the humble pies that all of us in the expert analysis business are going to have to eat.

If you are familiar with FJM's reamings of Celizic, you will know that they spawned an entire "food metaphor" culture. A staple of the Celizic diet. HA!

And there aren’t enough words in Webster’s lexicon to give sufficient credit to the Arizona Cardinals for what they did Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles.

No, because words such as "overcame a 3.5 point spread to win NFC title game at home" and "division champion team overcomes odds to beat 9-6-1 squad who barely snuck into the playoffs and played maybe 5 good games all year" just don't do the Cardinals justice in this situation.

I’m not sure the sentence exists that was less likely to be written than that one. Until Sunday, I would have been less surprised to read, “Lasting peace comes to the Middle East,” “Ann Coulter endorses Hillary Clinton for President,” “Keith Olbermann says, ‘Dick Cheney is one of the finest gentlemen I’ve ever met,’ ” or all of the above.

Fresh! If "approaches to sportswriting" were vaginas, Mike Celizic would be a five-gallon jug of Summer's Eve.

By comparison, the Red Sox winning the World Series in 2004 after 86 years of torment was child’s play. The Tampa Rays getting to the World Series? A big ho-hum.

Disagree vehemently. The Cardinals coming out of the worst division in the parity-conscious NFL and completing a timely sprint through an uninspiring NFC playoff field (thanks, Jake Delhomme) was not more unlikely than the Tampa Bay Rays coming out of the fucking AL East in a sport in which teams outspend them ten-fold. And of course it was more surprising than the Red Sox winning the World Series, because THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FUCKING CURSE. A team with a $150 million payroll winning the world series should shock nobody.

Forget taking your hats off to these guys. Take off everything and run naked down Broadway and you'd be close to the proper celebration for this one.

Uhhh, no? Because I live in New York in this analogy and I'm a fucking Giants fan and I'm pissed about last week? And it's the damn Cardinals? And I don't want to take my pants off to celebrate a team accomplishing a feat that a Rex Grossman-led Bears squad did two years ago?

History's best 9-7 team could stretch credulity even further than it already has.....

The 1979 LA Rams were probably better than them and had one of the best defenses ever (I believe). And I'm sure there were others. My point is that I'd bet my vas deferens against a week-old beer pong cup full of PBR that Mike Celizic did not research this point.

...but I think the Cardinals and their fans want to be the underdogs. They’ve gotten here by riding the we-don’t-get-no-respect express, and there’s no sense derailing them now by installing them as favorites — or even suggesting they have a shot.

Oh, God. I hate this. Chaps my balls, as I've mentioned before. The "Disrespect Card". Just like Cornhole...all of the sudden, everybody wants to play it. There are two teams in each game, one of them will (usually) be favored. By like, 3 points. Get the fuck over it. How did they get here over the Eagles, who also played the we don't get respect card? How did the Ravens not ride that train into the Super Bowl? I know why. Because it doesn't fucking matter.

But hey, no sense saying that they might win this game! Because if we do, they might lose!

Who knows? It could work for one more game. Nothing they do should amaze us anymore.

They fucking came out of a weak conference to get to the Super Bowl. They didn't cure some rare form of cancer or save babies from dysentary-infected water supplies or something like that. If a football team in the Super Bowl wins said Super Bowl, we should not be "amazed". We should be like, "oh, one of the teams in the fucking championship football game won it".

In the process of moving, he found the Superman cape he’d lost years earlier in St. Louis, put it on and led the Cards to the NFC West title. His partner in awesome offense is Larry Fitzgerald, who has established himself as the NFL's new state-of-the-art receiver.

Yes. He found his Superman cape. And two of the best wide receivers in the entire world playing on the same team, which plays it's home games in a dome and it's away games against the Rams. Who are also in a dome. An interior decorator with Lou Gehrig's Disease could throw for 300 yards in that situation.

Also..."partner in awesome offense"? Anyone who says something like that should have a partner in Massachusetts.

Kudos, too, to running back Edgerrin James, another recycled former star who moldered on the Arizona bench until he was thrown into the breach in the playoffs.

Yes. Using Merriam's dictionary (the one you used earlier to hunt for words to describe Arizona's season), Edgerring James disintegrated on the Arizona bench until he was thrown into a break in customary friendly situations in the playoffs. Hell of a job finding random words in the dictionary to describe the season thusfar, Celizic.

Warner has more incarnations than CSI. Warner is the guy who bagged groceries to pay the bills, who played in the Arena League and in Europe trying to prove he deserved a shot at the NFL.

CSI has had three. Las Vegas, New York and Miami. If everytime someone gets a new job they call it an "incarnation", then just about everybody on the planet has had more incarnations than CSI.

At the time, nobody said he didn’t deserve to be benched.

Yes they did. I remember saying it myself. He got sacked a bunch of times and had some costly fumbles. In his first game. It was kneejerk as fuck. I remember this.

There was a sign hanging during the game that advised the Cards to “Shock the World.” That’s a tired line that has never been used without shameful hyperbole. Nothing that happens in American professional sports is ever going to shock the world, and I’m confident that the vast majority of the planet’s 6.6 billion inhabitants went to bed Sunday night blissfully unaware that a professional football team in Arizona had done something that rattled the NFL to its foundations.

You hypocritical douchebag. This whole article you've been going on telling people to go do hyperbolous things like take their clothes off and run down broadway to appropriately celebrate the shockingness of this team, and that Edgerrin James decayed on the bench like a fucking Uranium isotope, and that there aren't enough words in the entire Goddamn language to describe what they have done, and now you are pretending to be the guy that reminds everybody that their are bigger things in the world other than football? Go fuck yourself with Hines Ward's missing knee ligament, you kid fellater.

Just don’t call them favorites to win the Super Bowl. They’ve done just fine as everybody’s underdog. They’ve hit on a formula, and I, for one, am not going to mess with it.

Very honorable of you, Celizic. I mean, you do have the influence to singlehandedly derail their entire season by writing that you expect them to win this game, but somehow you are resisting that urge.

Also, they beat Atlanta at home, got 5 or so gifts from Jake Delhomme in Carolina and then beat a shaky 9-6-1 Eagles team at home again to make it. That's why they are not favored. It has nothing to do with their respect cards.

The Ravens have the Steelers right where they want them

I'll tell you what, guys...I was really impressed with Joe Flacco's performance last night against the tough Pittsburgh Steeler defense. Sure, he only completed about 35% of his passes and threw three picks, but I don't think you can call it "shaky". And sure, the Ravens loss yesterday means that they lost to Pittsburgh three times on the season, including a tough one here in the AFC Championship Game. But...think about it.

The Ravens have the Steelers right where they want them.

That's just Raven football, playing it coy, keeping it close, waiting to pounce on any mistakes and completely change the complexion of the game. That's Raven football. They are like an acne medication on a 14 year old boy. And Ed Reed is that special ingredient that makes the Noxema work. The guy just changes the complexion of games singlehandedly. And what have the Ravens gone and done here? Well, they've convinced the Steelers that they can beat them three times in one year. And that's going to be huge next season.

Hear me out.

If the Steelers are able to beat the Ravens twice again in the regular season, setting up a playoff showdown in Heinz Field in the 2010 NFL you think the Steelers are going to come out with the same passion that they came out with last night? Do you really think Hines Ward will come out in that game next year with the same Asian fire that he displayed at the beginning of last night's matchup? I surely doubt it. The Steelers are going to come out on that field thinking that a win is a foregone conclusion, setting themselves up for a letdown game against the Ravens' NFL-best defense. I know that the Ravens are the NFL's best defense because I spoke to Ray Lewis before the game and he told me just that. He said "Phil, we are the NFL's best defense". And I said "do you really believe that, Ray?", and he gave me a strange type of reflective, yet preachy, yet unnecessarily dragged out, yet emphatic "yes" and began a dance and I could just see it in his jazz fingers that he knew what he was saying was truth. Plus, they have Ed Reed.

Ed Reed cuts the field in two and although he was directly responsible for Hines Ward getting an extra 35 yards in his big catch yesterday, you just can't throw the ball at Ed Reed. You have to find Ed Reed on the field and then throw where he's not at. Because he's a game-changer. And the Ravens have the Steelers believing that Ed Reed is not a game-changer.

And that's just the thing. Ed Reed is a game-changer.

So things may not have gone the Ravens' way last night. Well, that happens in the NFL. On any given Sunday, anything can happen. And the Ravens know this. The Ravens played it just about perfectly last night and are looking to strike the Steelers when they least expect it.

The Ravens have the Steelers just where they want them.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Argument that chaps my balls: Big RBs wear down defenses

Above is Le'Ron McClain, FB/RB for the Baltimore Ravens. Bruiser. Big ass mother f-word. This week he says that he hopes to wear the Steelers out so that they don't want to tackle him in the fourth quarter.

And that chaps my balls.

And this is nothing against McClain, who is a good runner. Bettis said it, Eddie George said it, hell, everyone says it. "Big running backs wear down the defense. When that 4th quarter comes around...oh man!". I disagree. I'm about to get real assumption-y:

Now, let's assume that an elite NFL RB gets 20-25 carries a game. And this big guy is an elite RB. Let's say 15 or so of these carries are in the first three quarters. And we'll even assume that the secondary is not coming up and making stops on him. That means each of the front 7 defensive players averaged about 2 tackles on the big RB in the first three quarters. That's supposed to wear them down? Please. They are going to get worn down just playing the game, making any tackle, taking on blockers every play, etc. It has nothing to do with the fact that a big running back wore them down. Any running back will wear them down. It's just the nature of the game. And now they aren't going to each be able to tackle the guy one more time because of this? I just don't see it. Tell me I don't get football or something. I don't care. You'll just be adding even more chap to my already chapped up balls.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009



By Pubes McCafferty

PITTSBURGH, PA - The old steel-town of Pittsburgh in mid-January is not a place for the weak-willed or for those with a virulent strain of syphillis that restricts their bodies from naturally warming themselves. The snow flutters down almost constantly from the grey skies, the roads accumulate a dark, grimy layer of sleet, and the homeless people get hard at the mere mention of the Snuggie commercials. But this town usually has one thing to warm the hearts of its residents at this desolate, forboding time of the year...its Pittsburgh Steelers.

And the man leading them is doing it with pure blackness.

Black head coach Mike Tomlin, 36, was brought over before the 2007 season from the Minnesota Vikings, where he served as the black defensive coordinator under white head coach Brad Childress. Tomlin's black-coached defense was the best in the NFL against the run and impressed Dan Rooney when it came time to replace a Pittsburgh white-coaching icon in Bill Cowher. And Tomlin has responded by black-coaching his team to a 12-4 regular season record followed by a black playoff victory last week against the Chargers. And he's doing it all with pure, unadulterated blackness.

"When he first entered my office for the interview", said Rooney, "I knew right away that this was the black head coach for my team. He carried himself like a black head coach, he laid out a black plan to achieve victory, he just had a swagger about him". Like us, I asked? "Yes, 'like us'. It was like he walked into the room with Ludacris, TI, Jay-Z and Kanye West right behind him, rapping their little black hearts out".

Rooney is not the only one impressed with Tomlin's unique brand of blackness.

"We were not too big on coach when he first came in", said wide receiver and team leader Hines Ward. "A young guy, never been a black head coach before, taking over a team that had Super Bowl aspirations. We didn't have time to adapt...we were ready to go right now. And Coach just stepped in and gave us that calm blackness that we needed to get to the point we are at now". I asked Ward if Tomlin's blackness black-coached the team to victory last week. "Absolutely", he said. "Coach Tomlin can become just the second black coach to win the Super Bowl this year if we pull this out, and we fully expect him to black-coach us to the Lombardi".

White Ravens white head coach John Harbaugh knows he has his work cut out for him going into the black hole on Sunday. "Definitely. I'm definitely concerned about facing coach Tomlin's blackness. But, I have the utmost confidence in our guys to counter their blackness with things that actually matter, like yards and tackles and stuff like that". When asked if he's ever seen a team black-coached better than the 2008 Steelers, Harbaugh paused before saying that that might indeed be the case. "Hmmm...that's tough. I mean, Coach Dungy black-coached the Colts to that Super Bowl in 2006 and if you don't have a ring it don't mean a thing. But this Steelers team is at least close to that level of black-coaching, especially on defense. And looking at the tape, it appears that they were really black on offense last week as well. When Mike's blackness affects both the offense and defense like that, they are going to be tough for any team to beat. We'll just have to go out there and do our best to counter it".

Tomlin has a chance this Sunday to do what no black coach in Pittsburgh Steeler history has ever done and black-coach his team to a Super Bowl berth. "That would be nice", he said yesterday while getting a blow job from his 19-year old white neighbor, "but that's not the main goal here. I have to black-coach this team to a win on Sunday first and foremost, but my job isn't done then just because I became the first black coach to black-coach the Steelers into the big game. Hold on while I finish". Tomlin then blew it all over the 19-year old girl's face. "The main goal is go win the Super Bowl, not just get there. I didn't get into black-coaching just to black-coach my teams into second place. I black-coach to win and that's what I plan on doing during my time here".

Win or lose, Mike Tomlin appears to be building a black-coaching foundation for a lot of future black-coaching success here in the Steel City.

Sea Kittens!

I hate PETA. I think I only hate Ray Lewis more than I hate PETA. Really, if Braylon Edwards showed up during Thanksgiving dinner and killed my grandparents with a maize and blue knife I wouldn't hate him as much as I hate PETA. They make people who don't want to give Wayne Huizenga tax cuts look bad.

PETA has done a lot of f-ed up stuff in the past, such as comparing the holocaust and the Canadian dude who got his head cut off on a Greyhound bus to animal slaughterhouses. They've thrown paint at people wearing fur. FUR IS MURDER! So is eating plants. Or are the plants alive? If so, that's even worse. I'm eating a live plant! That's just heartless.

But while this last stunt is certainly not the most vile thing they've done, it's easily the gayest. PETA mc-fucking-seriously wants to rebrand fish as sea kittens to get people to stop eating them. SEA KITTENS! Their thought process assumes that once people (especially kids, I guess) start to think of fish as kittens, they won't want to eat them. Seriously. I wish I was clever enough to make all of this up. I really do. It's only going to upset kids in the end when they see pictures of grizzly bears in alaska eating up salmon kittens like there's no fucking tomorrow. Maybe PETA can go talk to the bears personally.

See, PETA...the reason this is not going to work is because people are not stupid enough to confuse fish and fucking kittens. Kittens live on your couch, they are furry, soft, they purr and rub up against you and you can pet them. Fish live in the fucking ocean, are kind of grimy, and taste absolutely delicious. If fish weren't delicious, then maybe. But they are. They can give you a semi if they are good enough. I never got hard thinking about eating a kitten. That paragraph is rifer with double-entendres than Baltimore is with STDs.

On PETA's sea kitten website, they have an option for creating your own sea kitten. So, of course, I did.

That's my sea kitten, "Jizzguzzler". She's so precious. I gave her a litterbox and a bowl of water, EVEN THOUGH SHE LIVES IN THE FUCKING OCEAN AND IS NOT A CAT. I also accesorized her with a princess dress, cat ears, a unicorn horn and an elephant trunk. I did this so it would have a hard time swimming and hopefully fucking drown in a lake somewhere. I would jack off so hard to this dead fish that my penis would look like Santonio Holmes' wife after an argument. It would be cut harder than Paul Ernster was.

FUCK YOU, PETA. Why do you do this to my head? Why do you make me hate you so much?!?!?! I hate fur. Fur is gay. Why is that not your campaign? Imagine how effective this would be:

That ad campaign would be hugely successful. And no one could argue with it...50 Cent does indeed look gayer than flavored chap-stick in that picture. They could equate fur with jizz lattes. But noooo, they have to go with fur is murder and save the animals and all that jazz. Well fuck the delicious animals, PETA. I will personally kill all of them and eat them. I will make fur condoms and fuck your activists while wearing them. I will build a fur house and do nothing but torture animals in it. And it's all going to be your fault.

PETA, why do you have to make people hate kittens?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Disrespecting the Ravens

Last week I discussed the extreme ball-chappiness resultant from a meaningless playing of the disrespect card. And today, after the "can't beat a team three times in one season" card was played, I am feeling exceptionally chapped in the balls. So, to help alleviate this painful condition, I am going to disrespect the fuck out of the Ravens and that Grand Theft Auto game of a city they play in.

So suck it, Baltimore. Suck it long and hard and try not to give me any herpes even though it is your chief export. When I saw M&T Bank Stadium full before the December football game that the two teams played I could have sworn that someone was filming the world's largest Valtrex commercial. Sure, the Steelers had to make things for their offensive line simpler last week, but at least they didn't need to worry about Simplex. But I'm fresh out of STD humor. Let's get down to disrespecting the Ravens.

Hey, it's Joe Flacco! When Cascada wrote "Everytime We Touch", she was thinking about your eyebrows. Really, you should be married to Philip Rivers' wife. And you are a superstar now that you've carried your team through the playoffs, hitting a smoking 20 of 45 attempts? I congratulate you on not throwing any interceptions in the postseason. If it weren't for a complete self-destruction by the Titans, you would have valiantly carried your team to a somewhat respectable loss. But at least you are ugly enough to serve as a decoy while Ray Lewis runs around murdering people outside of his limosine.

Terrell Suggs, continuing the Raven tradition of being the ugliest players in the NFL. Makes sense why they would all dance so much to feel pretty. Suggs mentioned this year that the Ravens had a bounty on Hines Ward and backed it up by completely disappearing when they played the game. Made the Pro Bowl this year by openly campaigning for it in interviews. Considers Ray Lewis a mentor. A lot to not like here. Only had 8 sacks this year, but he said it was because he was becoming a more complete player. So of course he had 68 huge tackles to go along with them. You are so complete, Suggs. Maybe Ray has been teaching him how to get completely wiped out of a play by a single blocker.

Bart Scott! You role player. Think you are such a superstar,'s that Ray Lewis and Ed Reed in you. At least Ed Reed is a superstar. You are like the DJ Clue of linebackers, always talking yet never actually doing the substantial work. You have one big hit and you think you are a star. Youtube has videos of both Hines Ward and Jamal Lewis blowing Bart Scott the fuck up. The Ravens bounty is really paying dividends!

And you, Ray-Ray. God's Linebacker. The jester of this defense. Jumping on more piles than a San Francisco orgy. Murdering people. Getting away with it. Turning to Jesus. Apparently hearing Jesus say, "it's ok my Son, for I will forgive you for killing two people if you go out there and dance and show your jazz hands and run around and tackle people". And Ray jumped on piles, and his sin's were forgiven. What a cross to bear, being the official linebacker of God. A lot of pressure. But Ray-Ray can handle it. When you hear him speak, even though you can't understand a fucking thing that he is just know that the man has a passion for whatever the hell it is that he actually does. You were Krieder's bitch and Bettis' bitch. OLD BETTIS! Old Bettis made you his bitch. You should have retired right there, but I guess it was against the terms of your probation. Ray Lewis is like a birth control pill...put one on him and he's blocked 99% of the time. But keep yelling, Ray. You'll get your chance to run across the sidelines and stop a runner dead in his tracks 8 yards down field.

So fuck all of the Ravens. I am disrespecting the entire team. Fuck John Harbaugh, who is retarded enough that he is on record as saying he wouldn't take any other QB in the league over Joe Flacco. Fuck Ed Reed. Fuck Derrick Mason. Fuck all of them.

Go Steelers.

Argument that chaps my balls: Beating a team three times is so hard

You hear it all the time. "OMG, it's so hard to beat a team three times in the same season". Yes. It would be. Assuming you said this at the beginning of the season. But you never hear it then...only in the playoffs with one game remaining. And at that point...why is it so hard?

If you flip a coin 374 times, yes....getting them to land on heads 374 times is indeed extremely difficult. To the tune of...ok. My calculator can't even calculate it. Let's say you want to flip a coin on heads 20 times in a row. You have a 1 in 1,048,576 chance of accomplishing this feat. However, if you flip it on heads 19 times in a row, you still have a 1 in 2 chance of the 20th flip landing on heads. So if someone said to you, "you know, it's very hard to flip a coin heads up 20 times in a row", they'd be right. However, if they said it to you after you had done it 19 times and used it as their reasoning that it would be hard to do it a 20th time, you should be able to legally cockwhip them. The football example of this playing out cannot be that much different. And the statistics back up this claim.

It was broken down empirically here.

This post was written before the Cowboys prepared to take on the Giants for a third time last season, a game they did end up losing to the eventual Super Bowl champs. So you have to add that to the loss column of his stats. However, they are telling. 18 such instances have occured in which a team had a chance to beat another team 3 times, and in 11 of these instances, they did. 11-7, and 9-4 at home (odd that so many had to go on the road). This just shows that it is not hard to beat a team three times AFTER YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT TWICE. That's the important part. Yes, few teams beat other teams three times. But that logic only makes sense at the start of the season.

"But now the losing team is more familiar with the winning team", you may say. I may then slap you. The winning team is also more familiar with the losing team. Might the Ravens win this weekend in spite of the statistical odds being against them? Of course. But it will have nothing to do with the fact that they lost the first two games. Think about it...if Jeff Reed misses that OT field goal in the first game and the Ravens drive down the field to win...are the Steelers now more likely to win this playoff game (assuming they are still at home)? No. Not an f-ing chance. If the Ravens win, it will be because both games this year could have gone either way. The teams have been evenly matched. It will have nothing to do with the fact that the Steelers went 2-0 against Baltimore in the regular season. At all. My balls have so much chap right now that you would think they were a young English lad.

Assuming this argument is true, the following must also be correct:

- It's harder to get away with beating your third wife if you got away with beating the first two.

- Didn't get AIDS the first two times you didn't wrap it up? Fuck. You are screwed the next time.

- If you have already killed two people in DUI accidents, you might as well keep doing it because you are pretty much in the clear at this point.

- Let's just say that this argument is the reason you never see "triple-penetration" in a pornographic film.

- Already ate two Subway $5 footlongs after hearing the stupid commercials? The third one might make you gay.

- The Chicago Bulls had two three-peats in the 1990s? No wonder Michael Jordan's wife divorced him.

- R. Kelly has carte blanche to piss on a third teenage girl. So don't be surprised if he's already done it and we just haven't heard about it yet.

- Twins are ok, but anytime you meet a set of triplets, they might tie you down and forcefully shave off your pubes.

Assuming that it is so damn hard to beat a team for a third time after already defeating them twice....well, then those must all be true!

Monday, January 12, 2009

This is going to be easy

After seeing a few snippets of King's weekly typebortion, I just have a feeling that this is going to be the easiest one of these to date. It's almost not even genetically possible to squeeze as much retard into such a small space as a prime King quote, but somehow he does it just about every week. It's quite impressive.

On with the commenting.

Eli Manning had just been intercepted again by the Eagles with three minutes left in New Jersey late Sunday afternoon, and Philadelphia's 23-11 upset of the Giants was sealed. Right about then, Ken Whisenhunt's cell phone rang in his living room in Arizona.

This is why people hate you, Peter. You aren't cool. I'm sure Whisenhunt was just overcome with glee to see his phone ringing and Peter King on the other end as he realizes that the Cards will be hosting the NFC Championship game next week.

"You are not only playing in the NFC Championship game next Sunday,'' I said. "You are hosting the NFC Championship game next Sunday.''

"No fucking way!", Whisenhunt replied sarcastically.

McNabb, yanked in November, leads Eagles to fifth title game this decade.

McNabb, improbably yanked for a quarter, somehow beats the Vikings and Giants two months later.

It's weird, it's odd, it's what happens in the NFL every January. Flacco and Derrick Mason and Santonio Holmes and Larry Fitzgerald and Darnell Dockett and LaMarr Woodley and Brodrick Bunkley are bursting into our living rooms, and we don't know them, but we really like the stories they're writing.

I guarantee that they are not so much writing as much as they are running trains on your wife.

Remember the day of that Cardinals-Patriots game? A snowy, windswept day in Massachusetts, and it took three hours for the de-iced Cardinal charter to get off the ground in nearby Providence after the game because of weather. The team sat on the plane, stewing in its juices.

What the fuck did you just write? The team sat there stewing in the weather juices? Or was it their own personal juices? Did you mistakenly think it was the Cowboys team plane?

"Keep picking against us,'' Whisenhunt said.

Gladly. Your team is going to get fucking smoked next weekend. This cliche is probably my second least favorite, right behind "please use a condom because I don't know where you've been". I mean, there are two teams. Some people pick against you. But some people also pick you. And plus, I haven't been anywhere that would give me any STDs, so I have no idea what the fuck this chick is talking about. I haven't been to Baltimore in years.

David Akers' 20-yard field goal two minutes later made it a 12-point game with four minutes to go. Ballgame.

David Akers made a 9-point two score game a 12-point two score game. That didn't really change much at all.

It's back to the future for Manning ... and don't try to tell a real Giants fan the loss of Plaxico Burress didn't have much to do with the total collapse of the defending champs.

I will happily tell that to a real Giants fan. You just went over three scenarios where the Giants couldn't get a yard on the ground when they needed it despite their cabal of big, powerful running backs, and now you want to blame it on Plaxico Burress and his magical sweatpants.

If he's not back, Manning needs to campaign for a big receiver who can get open downfield.

If Plaxico goes to jail, Manning absolutely needs to campaign for one of the best receivers in the NFL. Seriously, "hey guys, go out a big WR who is also fast and can get open. Soooo, you know, Randy Moss maybe? We have $40 mil sitting around?".

Of course, the Giants did themselves no favors by allowing their most important offensive weapon on a windy, frigid day -- Brandon Jacobs -- to touch the ball on only 19 of 61 offensive plays. There were complete series where he never appeared on the field. And he carried it twice in the last 14 minutes of the first half. When the Giants look back at this game they'll wonder, why didn't we use this guy more.

Oh, Brandon Jacobs could have played quarterback? "Fuck me", said a melancholy Tom Coughlin after the game.

Joe Flacco for president! Recall Obama!


And the quarterback. "You know what I told him this week?'' Harbaugh said. "I don't think he'd mind me saying it. I told him, 'You're going to be the difference in this game. We're going after these guys with you. Don't back down.' ''

And after Flacco played his second mistake-free game of the playoffs -- he has no picks, fumbles or sacks in the Ravens' 2-0 playoff run -- I told him what Harbaugh said, and asked if it made him a little uneasy. Like, You don't have to put any more pressure on me than I already feel, coach.

Ok...after the game, you told Joe Flacco what John Harbaugh had already told Joe Flacco? And you are surprised that he didn't get nervous the second time he heard this? What doesn't impress Peter King?

In a corner of the locker room, Harbaugh said this after the game: "Joe's not a rookie. In fact, I would not trade him for any quarterback in football right now.'' Come on, I said. Peyton Manning? "No!'' he said. Tom Brady? "No! I'll take Flacco! Did he look like he was hesitant in any way with the game on the line? No!''

We have just learned that John Harbaugh might have an extra chromosome somewhere.

On the second possession of overtime, once the opposing team fields a punt or kickoff, the game is now in sudden death.

I don't have too many qualms with the rules section of his column, but how is this not also unfair? Instead of one team getting a 1-0 edge in possessions, one team will have a 2-1 edge if they score on this possession. It's more fair, but it's still not the perfect, easy fix that King touts it as.

The Panthers saw a lot of the back of Willie Parker during his 146-yard performance.

Assuming they were watching it from a reverse angle on TV, of course.

"We're the team you don't want to play right now,'' says Ed Reed. Right now? When exactly, this season, has anyone wanted to play this rolling ball of butcher knives?

I would probably just try to step out of the way of a rolling ball of butcher knives. How fast is this collection of knives rolling? If I threw something at it, would the ball of knives break apart? Also, this is the playoffs. I'm sure each team still in it would love to play the Lions, but you usually have matchups against other good teams in the conference championship games.

Nothing to be ashamed of. Now the Darren Sproles free-agency clock starts ticking.

Teams are killing themselves to get in line for Sproles, who turned in a masterful 11 carry, 15 yard performance yesterday. Feature back!

Happy trails to you, Aaron Salkin. You have been a heck of a PR man for the Niners, and you will be very good somewhere else.

Ahh, this is vintage King. Giving insight into the guys you don't hear about elsewhere. The team janitors. The coach's wives. And the PR guys. What would I do without this nugget of Aaron Salkin info? Probably start systematically killing kittens.

Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Arizona. He's becoming a gentlemanly Randy Moss, right down to wearing the gloves on his facemask when the game's been decided.

I had no idea that wearing receiver gloves on your face was considered "gentlemanly".

In the divisional playoff rout of the Panthers, he caught eight balls for 166 yards with one touchdown, a gorgeous catch-and-run-and-extend-the-left-hand-with-the-ball just to the right cone at the goal line, on a perfect dive. There aren't many players in history who could have scored that touchdown.

Fitzgerald had some excellent catches in the two games. That one, however, I believe could have been duplicated by 90% of receivers in the NFL. He caught the ball wide-open 10 yards down the field, turned towards the end-zone, and put the ball across the line. Bob Hayes could make that play right now, and he's been dead for like 5 years.

But on Sunday, a rock-ribbed run defense never let Brandon Jacobs put a stranglehold on this game, and that was the winning insurance for Philadelphia.

"Rock-ribbed" again! Such a ridiculously meaningless adjective that he just had to use it again a month later. I still have no idea what it means. Did they play the game on gravel?

Holmes fielded it at the Pittsburgh 33, and when the Charger punt-coverage team strung out way too close to either sideline, Holmes traversed a snowy field 67 yards for the tying touchdown. He made a nifty move at the San Diego 10, stopping almost in his tracks while San Diego wideout Legedu Naanee (one of the best names in any sport) made a diving tackle try. Holmes stepped over him and pranced into the end zone.

And yet, Peter King doesn't think that Santonio Holmes could have made the play that Fitzgerald made.

Horrors! How can a coach beat players up in late December! One who learned the game under Joe Gibbs and Bill Cowher could do it, easily.

Honestly, I don't think Cowher was known for that. I also think it's kind of stupid and that the Cards were huge beneficiaries of playing Atlanta at home and then going up against Delhomme's performance, which I think was the worst quarterbacking performance I have ever seen in the NFL. He just threw right at defensive players for the entire game.

Jake Delhomme, QB, Carolina. Has any quarterback had a worse playoff game than Delhomme's five-interception, one-lost-fumble disaster Saturday night against Arizona? Unlikely. Brett Favre, in the 2001 playoffs, threw six picks against the Rams, but in that game, Favre was just throwing balls up throughout the second half trying to hit the lottery.

Of course he'll come up with an excuse for Favre. Maybe Favre could have tried to throw passes to his receivers like a normal QB. "Brett Favre threw 12 picks in one half against the Vikings in '03, but then I remembered that shower we shared and that his chin-stubble was like a natural loofa".

A stupid gripe first: I don't want to say it was too hot on my Newark-to-Nashville Continental flight the other morning, but the mini-Kit Kat in my lunch snack couldn't be opened because the chocolate was percolating inside.

Hey, I don't to say that this chick was too young, but she was so young that she should have been wearing a Vince Young jersey!

If Frazier is interviewing with the top Rams brass in Los Angeles today, he must be pretty far down the road with them.

Is this a mistake or do the Rams really hold head-coaching interviews in the city they moved from?

f. The 9-7 Cards or the 9-6-1 Eagles in the Super Bowl. What a country.

How is this a "what a country" moment? Do sporting teams in Botswana not advance in the playoffs if they don't have a better record than their opponent?

I think it's not oversimplifying the Denver decision to hire Josh McDaniels to say that Pat Bowlen sees McDaniels as Mike Shanahan redux.

He just fucking fired Mike Shanahan. If he liked this guy because he was like a new Mike Shanahan, why did he fire Mike Shanahan? Mike Shanahan is probably the second-most Mike Shanahan-ish coach in the NFL, behind Jacksonville Assistant Wide Receivers Coach Robert Prince.

Shanahan helped John Elway and Steve Young become great NFL players. McDaniels has had the same hands-on influence with Tom Brady and Matt Cassel. In his last year in the NFL, Elway called Shanahan "brilliant.'' In November, Cassel told me that McDaniels was "brilliant.'' Starting to see a trend?

I sure do. Introducing the next head coach of the Denver Broncos...the guy from the Guinness commercials!

k. Darren Sproles, 11 carries, 15 yards. That sends a chill or two up the spine of the Ravens' backs.

I'll bet that it doesn't. Plus, I think the Ravens and Steelers have met.

I think Florida quarterback Tim Tebow made the right decision to stay in school, only because so many college players leave early and later regret it. But I think it's nuts to hear the speculation that he might not have been picked until the third or fourth round had he entered the draft. That's where Mel Kiper put him the other day. I'm not blaming Mel; there's lots of that talk out there. But to suggest he's some sort of maladroit (there's your PKWOTW) and marginal prospect is demeaning and downright wrong. I will bet a lot of money that when Tebow comes out, he won't get past New England in the second round; as much as Bill Belichick is around Urban Meyer and that program, I bet he's become a huge Tebow fan as a football player -- quarterback, goal-line back, something.

How about a weekly segment of "Peter King knows nothing about college football and yet attempts to break it down"? This is another snippet that deserves it's own post. You think Bill Belichick thinks he's a good college player, so he'll draft him in the second round as a fucking goalline back? There is a reason that Mel Kiper gets paid big money to watch college football all year and break down draft prospects (even though he's not the best in that department anymore) and you write a stupid weekly column bemoaning the fact that 7-5 Rutgers isn't in the fucking Orange Bowl. Did nobody see Tebow throw two picks right into Oklahoma defenders? If OU converts their goalline chances, we are sitting here talking about Tebow's less than NFL caliber passing. Instead, since they won on the strengths of huge defensive stands, Tebow is a hot prospect to quarterback an NFL team. You are downright wrong, Peter King.

I agree with Meyer's assessment: "When I hear people say, 'I wonder if he can play in the first round,' then I don't know what football is. I don't have any idea what happens in the NFL.'' You tell 'em, Urban. We've got Dan Orlovsky and Shaun Hill and Tyler Thigpen starting in the NFL, and we're debating if a 6-2, 240-pound determined winner should be picked among the top 64 picks in the draft? Interesting.

Yes, we really trust college coaches on NFL-related issues. Don't most of them completely suck in the NFL? Nick Saban, Bobby Petrino, et. al....these are the guys whose opinions you are taking as gospel? We've got Tyler Thigpen coming out of nowhere to throw 18 TDs to 11 picks for the fucking Chiefs and you are saying that the NFL scouts don't know what the fuck they are talking about? Tebow is 6-2, 240 lbs and a determined winner. Great. Should the Chicago Blackhawks draft him, too? Forget his throwing ability, he's big and he would rather win than lose. Draft him over Tyler Thigpen, who has only done really well in the NFL for a terrible team. I mean, Urban Meyer said we should! Urban Meyer probably doesn't have any idea what football is in the NFL. Hey guys, Danny Wuerffel's available!

Wes Welker's caught more balls than anyone in football over the last two years, and he's done it playing with two quarterbacks when everyone on defense knows he's going to be the target 10 to 12 times every game.

Which big time receiver isn't going to be targeted that often? In fact, many will be targeted more because they don't have Randy fucking Moss on the other side of the field. Also, if it was a vote for 2007-2008 All-Pro, then fine. If not, it doesn't matter a single fucking iota that Wes Welker caught a lot of passes last year. If you think that Welker is better than Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald and Calvin Johnson and so on, then that's fine. It's your opinion. It's also probably horribly wrong.

Coffeenerdness: Hard by the campus of Vanderbilt is a Starbucks on West End Avenue, and if you went in there over the weekend, you saw (presumably) Vanderbilt students come in by the dozens, looking like they just got out of bed, some in pajama pants, and I think about half the girls in Uggs boots. Starbucks has it figured out -- or did, until they started building stores across the street from each other. Get kids hooked on tasty caffeine early, and it'll last a lifetime.

Very smart of Starbucks to sell coffee to everybody who wants it. I mean, really...their business plan is just incredible.