More gayness in writing - and chapping my balls while at it

Above is Michael Silver, who wrote this article. I have nothing more for a lead-in. It sucks, he wrote it for a legit writing outfit, and they paid him enough to afford those epically gay glasses. So congrats to you, Mr. Silver, on achieving Epic Gayness. 

When Bill Belichick made the decision to go for it on fourth-and-2 from his own 28 with 2:08 remaining and a six-point lead over the Colts on Sunday night, the future Hall of Fame coach knew exactly what he was doing.

Yes, he was going to attempt to convert a 4th down that would win the game for his team if converted and most likely lose it if not. Ok.

It was a perfect setup for ego-driven gratification, guaranteed to paint him as an avant garde genius or a misunderstood martyr: Either the Pats would convert the first down and win the game, and Belichick would be heralded as the shrewdest coach in America, or they’d fall short and lose, and he’d be pummeled by lesser mortals like me who simply don’t understand football on a higher plane.

What? Ego-driven gratification? What the fuck are you talking about? He was most likely attempting to play the odds, believing that his team had a better chance of converting that short 4th down than stopping Peyton Manning from scoring the go-ahead TD after a punt. Stop trying to turn this into 10th grade English class, where we search balls-deep in novels for hidden meanings as to why Edgar Allen Whogivesafuck named the Calico cat in chapter 5 "Puddles". Could it have something to do with St. Felix's Flood in Holland in 1530? I think it maaaaaaayyyyyyyyy dot dot dot.

We all saw what happened, and now it’s time for Belichick to assume the position. Bill, meet Barry Switzer. And see that guy over there in the corner of the room with padded walls? That would be one Sam Wyche.

Ok. I'm not familiar, so let's see why Sam Wyche is sitting in a corner of a padded room shaking and pissing into his own mouth.

Many people recall Switzer’s similarly dubious fourth-down gamble as coach of the Cowboys, which led to a late-season defeat to the Eagles in 1995. Less familiar to most fans is Wyche’s incomprehensible decision, as coach of the Bengals, to give Joe Montana and Jerry Rice a chance to beat him in 1987.

Don't give a fuck on Switzer, sometimes these calls work out and sometimes they do not. What did Wyche do?

In that game, the Bengals led the 49ers, 26-20, with six seconds remaining at Riverfront Stadium. San Francisco was about to fall to 0-2, pending a Cincinnati punt from its own 31-yard line, where the Bengals faced a fourth-and-long. Wyche didn’t want to risk a punt, instead calling a sweep for James Brooks, with the assumption that the play would eat up the remaining time.

That's almost epically retarded. Why not have the QB drop back and have the QB heave the ball as far as he can in the air? Still might not kill six seconds. Six seconds! The clock is going to stop right when the ballcarrier is tackled. Six seconds! I have a hard time believing that even an average sweep play is going to kill six seconds. That is ridiculously stupid on Wyche's part. And almost completely opposite-of-analogous to Belichick's call. Allow Sam Wyche to continue sitting in that room corner and feasting on bovine semen.

In defense of Belichick, many people have pointed out that he’s perhaps the greatest coach of his era, with three Super Bowl rings and a history of smart leadership. And all of that’s true – but it doesn’t mean that he has complete license to make ill-fated moves without being people questioning whether he has gone off the deep end.

Right. Like, for example, none of this gives Belichick license to instruct his punter to punt backwards over his own head and then take his pants off on the field. That would be going off the deep-end. This? This can be legitimately explained if people just drop the OMG WHY DIDN'T HE PUNT! schadenfreude as they jerk off while watching Belichick fail. And I absolutely HATE Bill Belichick. This all pains me to type, people.

Greater coaches than Belichick have seemingly lost their minds; hey, it’s a stressful profession that feeds God complexes like few others. And it’s not insignificant that two of his most respected ex-players, Rodney Harrison and Tedy Bruschi, were highly critical of the decision as television analysts.

It's absolutely insignificant. Have you ever heard Lou Holtz on TV? Just because one of his former players, especially one like Harrison who is probably still retarded off HGH abuse says that it was a bad decision does NOT make it a bad decision. If Bruschi was able to make the right decision every time he'd probably be a coach. Nothing could be more insignificant.

Trust me when I say that many people currently in the Patriots’ organization, at various levels, were equally perplexed by Belichick’s behavior.

Trust me when I say that I don't care in the slightest. There's a reason they aren't the head coach. 

Put it this way: Would Belichick have dared try that move with people like Bruschi, Harrison, Willie McGinest, Mike Vrabel and Richard Seymour on the sidelines? If he had, there might have been a full-blown incident on the sidelines – which is precisely why Belichick loved and coached those proud defenders, and why he’s doing a disservice to the Jerod Mayos and Brandon Meriweathers by not giving them the opportunity to define themselves in gut-wrenching situations like Sunday’s.

Yes, he probably would have. If Belichick is worried about Mike Vrabel punching him on the sidelines after a call, he should fucking trade Mike Vrabel to the Chiefs or something. He's not doing a disservice to Jerod Mayo. If Jerod Mayo is that sensitive, he needs to undergo counseling. Or maybe consider not allowing the Colts to put them in that position by scorching the field for 70 yards in about a minute in their previous drive. This "omg you don't trust the defense!" argument chaps my balls harder than soaking them for four hours in a bowl of Ann Coulter's taint-sweat.

Back when he trusted his defense with the game on the line, Belichick successfully preached to his players that it was all about team. Granted, he was the unquestioned authority figure, but no one – not even the coach – was bigger than the team.

He did? He never went for it on fourth down? Does that mean he didn't trust Tom Brady and the offense? When he put Vrabel in as a tight end, does that mean he didn't trust his tight ends? When he onside-kicked, does that mean he didn't trust his kick coverage? When he paid his bills online, does that mean he didn't trust his fucking mailman? This is retarded. The team should be about winning fucking games, and they would have had they gotten two yards. Doesn't the team trust Brady to pick up two yards?

By not punting on Sunday, Belichick essentially acted like he was above his players – and the fact that the decision backfired could have lasting consequences. All of those arguments in defense of Belichick which suggest that he was simply playing the odds won’t fly in the locker room, where results are the only thing that matters.

You are a fucking idiot. You are. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but you are. He didn't act like he was above his God damn players...it's not like Belichick went out there and took the snap, or he called "Belichick Left 42" on three, or any of that stupid drivel. Fuck playing the odds! That's stupid! Results matter!

I'm sure the players have no problems with the call at all. What if it would have worked? They would have liked him? That is stupid logic. That logic is tortured. What you are doing to that logic, Mr. Silver, is in violation of the Geneva Convention.

Besides, the “odds” of converting a fourth-and-2 don’t take into account the risk, numerical and emotional, of failing in that situation. Playing Russian roulette is another example of playing the odds, and if you get away with it, bravo. But if you don’t? Well, Belichick had best hope the Patriots perform as well as he expects them to in the coming weeks and months, or he may look back on Sunday as the moment it all started to unravel.

Ahhhh. Where to start.

Ok. The odds can cover this. Here's how it works....if the odds of you converting the fourth down OR failing and then keeping the Colts out of the endzone are better than punting and keeping the Colts out of the endzone, then go for it! Who cares how emotional you are? Are the Colts robots? Are they not emotional? Could they be sad that day? Has anyone even thought to consider how sadfacey Peyton Manning was?

But the Russian Roulette thing...how do you get away with writing that as a legit point? Here are the odds that come to play here:

PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE: 1/6 chance of dying

DO NOT PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE: No chance of dying

The odds say DO NOT PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE YOU FUCKING MORON! Jeez. If the choice was between playing Russian Roulette and, say, fighting a live puma, or maybe even getting a billion dollars if you win, things may change a bit. But if all you get is the satisfaction of winning the Russian Roulette game then...why am I even bothering? Anybody with sense can see that this is retarded.

The weird thing is, neither Wyche nor Switzer let their moments of ignominy take them down. Wyche took the Bengals to the Super Bowl the following season, losing only because of Montana’s brilliant 92-yard drive in the final three-plus minutes. Switzer’s Cowboys didn’t lose again after that defeat in Philly, going on to capture their third Super Bowl title in four years.

Wow...THAT'S INSANE. One thing going wrong didn't cause them to completely collapse as NFL head coaches? Maybe because they aren't 4-year olds and no one cares if they offer sufficient respect to their defenses through their play calling or maybe because the nature of football is sometimes something works and sometimes it doesn't?

Nah. Fuck that. These guys are just weird.

Those two coaches were deservedly ripped after their decisions led to defeats, and they did something about it. My advice to Belichick is to take his punishment, rejoin the mere mortals in his midst and try to muster a similar response.

I'm sure he says "you're welcome" and then makes one of those jackoff motions in your direction.

But he isn't done. Then he offers a list of 32 bits of info about each team. Let's take a look.

1. New Orleans Saints: How scary is it that Darren Sharper’s replacement, Usama Young, had an end-zone interception in his first start?

It's not scary. Sometimes defensive backs intercept passes. I'm really not scared at all. Or...maybe the Saints are the best team ever in the NFL because Usama Young replaced Darren Sharper and intercepted a pass against the MOTHERFUCKING RAMS. Yeah. Let's go with that one.

2. Indianapolis Colts: Yo, football gods: If Jim Caldwell didn’t lose on Sunday, will he ever?

Hells no! They will never face another test as stern as a visiting 6-2 New England squad. Jim Caldwell is invincible. He should play Russian Roulette professionally.

3. Minnesota Vikings: Did anyone besides Brett Favre know Sidney Rice was this good?

The team that drafted him? The coaches? His teammates? Anyone other than Brett Favre, who probably had absolutely no idea who Sidney Rice even was when he agreed to go to Minnesota? Am I missing something here?

4. Cincinnati Bengals: With Cedric Benson enjoying a career revival and Larry Johnson apparently on his way to Cincy, is Corey Dillon next?

Uhhh....didn't Corey Dillon have to leave Cincinnati for a career revival? And from all accounts, LJ will be inactive for most of the Bengals' games. REVIVAL!

5. Pittsburgh Steelers: Is it crazy to wonder whether poor kickoff coverage could cost this team a chance to repeat?

As it's already cost them one possible game and almost another, no, it's not. Kickoff returns count for just as much as any other touchdown, regardless of the amount of emotion involved.

6. New England Patriots: Does this hairless thug who threw down an NFL Films cameraman while escorting Bill Belichick to the locker room think we live in a repressive Third World country ruled by a ruthless dictator – or does he just think the NFL is its own, sovereign nation?

That is one of the worst attempts at a joke I've ever seen. Or does he think that it is a planet in a different galaxy where ape-people eat metal and hover over lakes of milk? Or does he think he's in an Ace and Gary sketch on SNL and sitting in the passenger seat of a penis car playing solitare on an iPhone? Or is this just gay? I choose option gay.

12. Philadelphia Eagles: If a team can’t convert in short-yardage situations – no matter how much talent it features on offense – can it be considered a legitimate contender?

Not a chance. You have to go all the way back to the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers to find a championship team that couldn't convert in short-yardage situations!

15. Green Bay Packers: Was Sunday’s performance a season-saver – and, if so, what took these guys so long to crank it up?

Maybe they didn't just crank it up. Maybe week-to-week performances just kind of alternate like that. Maybe it happens to like every team. What the fuck happened to Dallas? And Pittsburgh? How'd the Colts almost lose to the 49ers at home? Why does Jay Cutler suck? Who knows.

24. Washington Redskins: After coach Jim Zorn informed him of his intention to run the creative fourth-down fake that led to a second-quarter touchdown, did designated play-caller Sherm Lewis yell, “Bingo!?”

 HAHAHAHAHAHAA SHERM LEWIS BINGO JOKES! Hey, did you guys hear? John Candy died!




I'm done. I hated everything about this column. I'm going to lie down and play some Russian Roulette.

Sexually harrassing the English language

Gerry Dulac. Post-Gazette writer. Steelers columnist. Paid to write. Physically collects checks from the PG which he then deposits for actual money with which he can buy things. Material possessions. Probably nicer ones than I am able to afford.

Yet he is also a rapist.

I present my evidence in the form of the article I have just linked to in which Mr. Dulac takes the English language and then just has unprotected rapesex with it. He just date-rapes the language. Here it is, English, meeting Gerry Dulac, who is a professional paid columnist, thinking that he's just going to take it for a nice evening stroll. Just get reacquainted with it, enjoy the nice weather before winter arrives, etc. The language thinks that as a professional, Mr. Dulac is going to have nothing but the utmost respect for her...yet, he takes advantage of her willingness and just date-rapes the absolute fuck out of her right in front of everybody who reads the Post Gazette. It was a cold, classless calculated move by Dulac, and he should be ashamed. Andrea McNulty should be suing him on behalf of the language. I'd certainly believe her in that instance.

Seriously, these are some of the worst puns ever concocted. Dulac just took words and put them next to each other without rhyme or reason like you are just allowed to do that these days or something. I have no idea. Big Pun would be ashamed to have "pun" in his name following this typebortion. From the "To win, the (team) must..." section:

To win, the Broncos must ...

1 Not be yonkos*. They looked intimidated vs. the Ravens and did not match Baltimore's intensity, something they must do vs. the Steelers.

What? What in the coal-powered fuck is that, Dulac? What is a Yonko? You can't just change a name to something that sounds funny and expect that to be cool. It's not. That is not an insult. At least not to the Broncos. Maybe he just insulted Bronko Nagurski. I have no idea. All I know is that Hines Ward better not look like SQUINES Ward out there on the field, right? Am I right? Haaaaa! Chew on that, SQUINES!

EDIT: It was pointed out to me that Myron Cope always called the Broncos "Yonkos". I still don't care. It stays.


2. Buck the big play. They lead the AFC with 23 sacks and have to make sure Ben Roethlisberger doesn't have enough time to throw.

Uhhh, I guess that's ok. You can buck a trend. And broncos can buck...like, real ones, that is. You know, bucking broncos! Maybe these Broncos have to buck in order to prevent the Pittsburgh Steelworkers from completing big plays. Or, maybe he just chose the word "buck" because when combined with "big" in big play it created an alliteration, which just plain read magically. Every time. Cogency be damned.


3 Not let Knowshon be a no-show. The Steelers haven't allowed a 100-yard rusher in 29 games (counting playoffs).

Sigh. Knowshon can't be a no-show! He must show up! He's their running back! Where's my money?

*collects check from PG*

I get it. His name is Knowshon, so he can't be a no-show! Unlike his name, which has "know" in it! Pun fucking City, population Gerry Dulac. DO YOU KNOW-NOTHING, SIR? This is retarded. It's got an extra 21st chromosome.



To win, the Steelers must ...


1. Pile on Orton. He has been efficient for the Broncos, using screens and quick throws to slow the pressure and throwing just one interception.

Because his name is Kyle! So they have to pile on him and sack him! Just like every quarterback. Seriously, is there any time the defense says, "you know what, guys, this guy they got back there...you just...you just don't want to sack him. Run past him, pretend to slip, anything. Just don't sack him! It's going to be terrible for our defense"? I'm expecting the next tip to be "Be the Pittsburgh Scorers...score more points than the other team! Most teams that do this win!" Indeed they do, Gerry. Indeed they do.


2. Not get branded by Marshall. He can create matchup problems in the secondary, especially with S Ryan Clark not playing.

Right! Because his name is Brandon, and his doing well in this football game would be analogous to him branding the Steelers with a hot poker! His steaming visage would be all over this game. And all over Ryan Clark. Even though he's not playing. So maybe it won't be on Ryan Clark. Which is good, because then he won't turn into Fryin' Ryan!!!!!!!


3. Not let Elvis be a hound dog. Dumervil, the AFC sack leader, uses his smallish size (5-11, 248) to get underneath tackles and gain leverage.

Ok, this one hurts my creativity muscles. Just copying and pasting it gave me Carpal-Tunnel. Due to his smallish size, Elvis Dumervil physically crawls underneath tackles and gets into the backfield, getting the opposition All Shook Up. Or, maybe Elvis is a Fool and Rushes In to sack the quarterback. Something like that. He's the KING.


Since Dulac passed out from creative overload after penning this section, I figure that I will help the Post-Gazette and come up with a five-pack of my own for each team. This is free of charge, PG...just send me a nice thank you note and maybe a Doug Legursky-signed Terrible Towel and we'll call it even.


To Win, the Broncos must....


1. Not let Big Ben put his giant clock in your ass. In addition to being the Steeler's QB, Big Ben is also the name of a giant clock. If Big Ben strikes midnight in this game, expect a lot of limping Broncos on the receiving end of this clock-wise fucking.

2. Not get any STDs on defense. The Broncos have to wrap-up on the defensive side if they want to win this game. If they don't wrap-up, they may find themselves the victims of an unwanted teenage pregnancy in the form of Santonio Holmes or Hines Ward turning a short catch into a big play.


3. Not be the Schmenver Concos. Being the Schmenver Concos would suggest that the Broncos are playing zootball on a zootball field, and this is not the NZL. Instead of tassing and grunning the zootball as the Schmenver Concos would do, the Broncos should pass and run the football. Don't play bathmouth zootball behind Skyle Aborton and Goodtoknowshon Dorito.  

4. Allow Correll to corrun. Correll Buckhalter is averaing 6 yards per carry this season, which would CORRELLate very strongly with victory...because 6 yards per carry is good and good things tend to win football games.

5. Not bunt the football, but instead punt it. Bunting the football 4 to 5 yards instead of punting it 40 to 50 will greatly reduce Denver's chances of winning this game. Field position is important, and if Mitch Berger decides to bunt instead of punt, the Steelers could find themselves charging the bunt to field it and then throwing it to first where it will be caught for victory by the first basemen, Rashard Mendenhall.


To win, the Steelers must...


1. Save Private Ryan. Ryan Clark almost died the last time he played in the high Denver altitude, and the Steelers would be very well served to not allow him to die this time. A dead Ryan Clark will be a huge liability in pass coverage, as Emlen Tunnell showed last year playing dimeback for the Detroit Lions.

2. Keep the Broncos from cooking Roethlisburgers and then eating them on the field with a full assortment of condiments and soft drinks. Allowing the Broncos pass rush to continually get into the Steeler backfield, setting up a gas grill and preparing delicious Roethlisburgers to serve to the rest of the team will spell certain doom for Pittsburgh's chances in this ball game. They must prevent the Broncos from having a delicious barbeque at all costs.

3. Don't fall victim to a Royal flush. When playing cards with the Broncos, the Steelers cannot overplay their hand (even if they have quad aces) and fall victim to Eddie Royal playing a royal flush by taking a punt back for a touchdown. Royal played this hand twice against the Chargers in mid-October, beating Philip Rivers' 7-J straight and Norv Turner's nines-over-fours full house. These two hands were enough to tilt the game in favor of the Broncos.

4. Be the Pittsburgh Stealers. Steal the ball from the Broncos. Create turnovers. Interceptions. Fumbles. Physically steal balls from the initial stockpile of gameballs. Don't give the balls back. Keep the balls that you just stole. That is one almost foolproof way for the Steelers to win this game. If the Broncos are unable to even find a ball to play with, their offense will be severely limited.

5. Make sure Mike Wallace is not ball-less. If the Steelers want to open up their running attack, getting some balls to Mike Wallace and not allowing him to go ball-less will surely help them to do so. The explosive rookie is one of the fastest players on the field, and there is no reason for Benjamin R. Roethlisberger to keep him ball-less. Ben must hit Wallace with his balls. As usual, the R. stands for "rape".


So there you go, PG! Free of charge! You can even put them under Dulac's name for all I care.

Don Banks has chills

From his recent CNNSI.com column previewing the upcoming NFL draft (which will be all that the weekend will have going after the fabulous Pens finish off the Flyers tonight):

• Here's a potential meaningful coincidence that could really come to fruition by Saturday night: In 1996, the first-year Baltimore Ravens selected University of Miami middle linebacker Ray Lewis at No. 26 in the first round. This year, the Ravens might find themselves in position to select the eventual heir to Lewis' throne, and it very well could be ... another inside linebacker, from a warm-weather school, at No. 26, who at least phonetically answers by the same first name: USC's Rey Maualuga.

I don't know about you, but I've got chills.

I don't know about you, but I don't get chills over something so obviously gay that Bill Clinton wouldn't even allow it in the military. Wow, both from warm weather schools! Both named some form of Ray! Both darker than me! BOTH US CITIZENS!!!!

So they might draft another warm-weather linebacker named Rey. Who the fuck cares? Did you have chills when the Steelers drafting a QB named Benjamin Roethlisberger from a state that just happens to play host to the NFL HALL OF FAME!!!!! Or, how about this, guess what the Jets can do this year? They can draft another gunslinger this year named Matt Stafford, a guy who, just like Brett Favre, PLAYED AT A COLLEGE IN GEORGIA! And...get this...they both wear jeans! Holy hell, I have chills. Just chills? God damn it, my cock is hard right now. And it tingles. It feels like someone dumped a bucket full of sunshine all over my balls. And I'm telling you guys...if you don't feel the same way, you are missing out on one incredible feeling.

Really, Don Banks...don't try so hard to sell your point. It makes people think you like to deepthroat Quinzo's torpedoes. Miami and USC are warm-weather schools...but that's it. They are like, 3,000 miles apart. It's hard to get further apart in this country than Miami and USC.

But hey, don't let me tell you how to live your life. Chill away, dickbag. OMG, they might both be drafted at the same spot! The 26th pick only happens IN EVERY FUCKING DRAFT EVER, COCKSNIPER!!! This isn't a leap-draft.

Why do things so trivial make me take such umbrage? I guess I need to lay off the meth.

Where have you gone, FJM?

For, Mike Celizic has returned! And he has returned in time to write about the NFL playoffs. While the Fire Joe Morgan guys usually stayed away from the football writing in lieu of commenting on baseball-centric articles, I am just the opposite. I am an NFL fan first and foremost. And so I will once again blatantly rip off their style to keep myself from committing some sort of figurative ritual Seppuku triggered by reading a Celizic article.

Give Cards credit for pulling off Super surprise

Arizona thriving as underdog — because no one foresaw this NFC title

Starting off strong, Celizic...they are thriving as underdog...because no one foresaw this NFC title. That's vintage Celizic. You can see it in his past titles, such as:

"Scott Peterson convicted murderer - because he killed wife on fishing trip"

"Barack Obama taking Presidential oath - because he was elected to that office"

"Neighbor accused of child molestation - because he drives a Ford Econoline van. And molests children in it"





There aren’t enough crows in the world for all the humble pies that all of us in the expert analysis business are going to have to eat.

If you are familiar with FJM's reamings of Celizic, you will know that they spawned an entire "food metaphor" culture. A staple of the Celizic diet. HA!



And there aren’t enough words in Webster’s lexicon to give sufficient credit to the Arizona Cardinals for what they did Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles.

No, because words such as "overcame a 3.5 point spread to win NFC title game at home" and "division champion team overcomes odds to beat 9-6-1 squad who barely snuck into the playoffs and played maybe 5 good games all year" just don't do the Cardinals justice in this situation.




I’m not sure the sentence exists that was less likely to be written than that one. Until Sunday, I would have been less surprised to read, “Lasting peace comes to the Middle East,” “Ann Coulter endorses Hillary Clinton for President,” “Keith Olbermann says, ‘Dick Cheney is one of the finest gentlemen I’ve ever met,’ ” or all of the above.

Fresh! If "approaches to sportswriting" were vaginas, Mike Celizic would be a five-gallon jug of Summer's Eve.




By comparison, the Red Sox winning the World Series in 2004 after 86 years of torment was child’s play. The Tampa Rays getting to the World Series? A big ho-hum.

Disagree vehemently. The Cardinals coming out of the worst division in the parity-conscious NFL and completing a timely sprint through an uninspiring NFC playoff field (thanks, Jake Delhomme) was not more unlikely than the Tampa Bay Rays coming out of the fucking AL East in a sport in which teams outspend them ten-fold. And of course it was more surprising than the Red Sox winning the World Series, because THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FUCKING CURSE. A team with a $150 million payroll winning the world series should shock nobody.




Forget taking your hats off to these guys. Take off everything and run naked down Broadway and you'd be close to the proper celebration for this one.

Uhhh, no? Because I live in New York in this analogy and I'm a fucking Giants fan and I'm pissed about last week? And it's the damn Cardinals? And I don't want to take my pants off to celebrate a team accomplishing a feat that a Rex Grossman-led Bears squad did two years ago?



History's best 9-7 team could stretch credulity even further than it already has.....

The 1979 LA Rams were probably better than them and had one of the best defenses ever (I believe). And I'm sure there were others. My point is that I'd bet my vas deferens against a week-old beer pong cup full of PBR that Mike Celizic did not research this point.



...but I think the Cardinals and their fans want to be the underdogs. They’ve gotten here by riding the we-don’t-get-no-respect express, and there’s no sense derailing them now by installing them as favorites — or even suggesting they have a shot.

Oh, God. I hate this. Chaps my balls, as I've mentioned before. The "Disrespect Card". Just like Cornhole...all of the sudden, everybody wants to play it. There are two teams in each game, one of them will (usually) be favored. By like, 3 points. Get the fuck over it. How did they get here over the Eagles, who also played the we don't get respect card? How did the Ravens not ride that train into the Super Bowl? I know why. Because it doesn't fucking matter.

But hey, no sense saying that they might win this game! Because if we do, they might lose!





Who knows? It could work for one more game. Nothing they do should amaze us anymore.

They fucking came out of a weak conference to get to the Super Bowl. They didn't cure some rare form of cancer or save babies from dysentary-infected water supplies or something like that. If a football team in the Super Bowl wins said Super Bowl, we should not be "amazed". We should be like, "oh, one of the teams in the fucking championship football game won it".




In the process of moving, he found the Superman cape he’d lost years earlier in St. Louis, put it on and led the Cards to the NFC West title. His partner in awesome offense is Larry Fitzgerald, who has established himself as the NFL's new state-of-the-art receiver.

Yes. He found his Superman cape. And two of the best wide receivers in the entire world playing on the same team, which plays it's home games in a dome and it's away games against the Rams. Who are also in a dome. An interior decorator with Lou Gehrig's Disease could throw for 300 yards in that situation.

Also..."partner in awesome offense"? Anyone who says something like that should have a partner in Massachusetts.




Kudos, too, to running back Edgerrin James, another recycled former star who moldered on the Arizona bench until he was thrown into the breach in the playoffs.

Yes. Using Merriam's dictionary (the one you used earlier to hunt for words to describe Arizona's season), Edgerring James disintegrated on the Arizona bench until he was thrown into a break in customary friendly situations in the playoffs. Hell of a job finding random words in the dictionary to describe the season thusfar, Celizic.




Warner has more incarnations than CSI. Warner is the guy who bagged groceries to pay the bills, who played in the Arena League and in Europe trying to prove he deserved a shot at the NFL.

CSI has had three. Las Vegas, New York and Miami. If everytime someone gets a new job they call it an "incarnation", then just about everybody on the planet has had more incarnations than CSI.




At the time, nobody said he didn’t deserve to be benched.

Yes they did. I remember saying it myself. He got sacked a bunch of times and had some costly fumbles. In his first game. It was kneejerk as fuck. I remember this.




There was a sign hanging during the game that advised the Cards to “Shock the World.” That’s a tired line that has never been used without shameful hyperbole. Nothing that happens in American professional sports is ever going to shock the world, and I’m confident that the vast majority of the planet’s 6.6 billion inhabitants went to bed Sunday night blissfully unaware that a professional football team in Arizona had done something that rattled the NFL to its foundations.

You hypocritical douchebag. This whole article you've been going on telling people to go do hyperbolous things like take their clothes off and run down broadway to appropriately celebrate the shockingness of this team, and that Edgerrin James decayed on the bench like a fucking Uranium isotope, and that there aren't enough words in the entire Goddamn language to describe what they have done, and now you are pretending to be the guy that reminds everybody that their are bigger things in the world other than football? Go fuck yourself with Hines Ward's missing knee ligament, you kid fellater.




Just don’t call them favorites to win the Super Bowl. They’ve done just fine as everybody’s underdog. They’ve hit on a formula, and I, for one, am not going to mess with it.

Very honorable of you, Celizic. I mean, you do have the influence to singlehandedly derail their entire season by writing that you expect them to win this game, but somehow you are resisting that urge.

Also, they beat Atlanta at home, got 5 or so gifts from Jake Delhomme in Carolina and then beat a shaky 9-6-1 Eagles team at home again to make it. That's why they are not favored. It has nothing to do with their respect cards.

Fuck it. I'm going to write a book.

Yep. A coffee-table style book. To put on your coffee table. Or the dirty broken down table in your meth lab that you set the HCl on while cleaning out your cookware. And I have an idea for it, too. Kind of.

It's going to be the world's first drunken novel.

Now, before you say, "oh, Hemingway used to write while he was drunk", or, "omg, Thoreau used to do Jack shots between paragraphs", know that I don't mean a little sauced up. Or with a little bit of a buzz. I'm talking like 3 am instant message style hammered. Every time I get back from a particularly strong night about the town, I will start writing about whatever I feel like writing about. Then, as I start to sober up, I'll stop and resume on the next crunkadelic evening. I'll probably have to think of a semblance of a story line at the beginning so I have something to go on, but those are just minor details. Maybe it will be about a family of centaurs battling over their centaur daughter's decision to abort a centaur fetus that she got fucked into her by a homeless centaur one night while trying to score some centaur drugs (like flour...centaurs get FUCKED UP by flour). In the end, the family of centaurs decides to accept their daughter's decision until she reverses her decision and has the centaur baby only to have it turn out to be gay and now everybody's confused again. The centaurs then decide to go out for ice cream and end up lost in the Alaskan wilderness just like that dumbass dude who did just that in that Into the Wild movie or whatever it was called. Centaurs are freaking idiots.

So, we'll see how this goes. I'll probably start it up sometime after Thanksgiving and review it the next day. It will be a collection of drunken stories...fuck centaurs. I think I'm going to call it "Heeeeyyyyyyyyyyy". And the title is going to have a red squiggly line underneath it.

The court-martialing of Pfc. Kellen Winslow

Let's begin the proceedings. Private First Class Winslow, you have been charged with desertion and dereliction of duty and anything else military-ish that actually happens during these proceedings, since I am clueless. For reals. What is your troop, soldier?



I'M A SOLDIER!!! I'M A FUCKING SOLDIER!!!!! YOU DON'T PULL THAT FUCKING SHIT ON ME 'CAUSE I'M A FUCKING SOLDIERRRRRRRRRRR


Kellen, please. Your honor, please refer all questions for my client to me.



*whispers* but I'm a fucking soldier, Philip */whispers*


I know, Kellen. I know.

Your honor, Private Winslow is a member of the Cleveland Browns troop, offensive unit, where he is stationed as a tight end. Why are you a caricature, if I may ask?


This is all I could find on Google images.


Fair enough.


Mr. Savage?

Mr. Savage, was Private Winslow given permission to skip this voluntary minicamp that he has not made himself present at?


Absolutely not. Why the fuck am I even here? Does he realize that he isn't a real soldier?


Objection! My client believing he is a soldier is not hurting anybody, nor is it relevant to this case.


It's absolutely relevant, we are at a court martial proceeding. Look, Kellen, we aren't renewing your deal. We've already shown a great deal of faith in guaranteeing your previous contract in light of your various misdeeds. Remember how you laid on the concrete like a broad after your motorcycle accident?



THE SOLDIER WILL NOT FUCKING RE-UP WITHOUT A NEW FUCKING CONTRACT!!! I'M THE ONLY FUCKING SOLDIER ON YOUR FUCKING TEAM! I'M FROM THE U, BABY!!! THE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU


Kellen, please. Mr. Savage, we appreciate what you have done for my client, however, this is a business, and it just so happens that my client has performed at a level higher than any other tight end in any other offensive troop unit, and he's only getting better. The soldier is still young, and that's just how it works.


Awww, thank you Philip, you called me The Soldier.


Listen, he signed his name on the contract. No one forced him to do so. We bent over backwards for him in the past, and we are not going to do it again. We'd like to see another good year and continued good behavior. And in the meantime, you have to show the fuck up.


It's voluntary. He doesn't really have to show up, technically.



Your mom is voluntary.

OBJECTION!!!!


ORDER!!!! I will not tolerate any more of this.


Your honor, you know what comes up with the second hit when you Google search for "court martial"? Check it out.



Baby, you gotta meet up with The Soldier.


This is ridiculous. I've heard enough. I'm sorry, but these minicamps are not mandatory, and therefore the soldier in question has not done anything for which he has incurred a violation. There will be no further discipline. Case dismissed. Do they even say that in a court martialing?


FREEDOM!!!!! Y'ALL CAN SUCK MY FREE DICK!!!! I'M A FUCKING SOLDIER!!!!!


Will we be serving refreshments?