Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Arguments that chap my balls: The disrespect card

Oh, look, I got a disrespect flush! I'm sure to win my upcoming competition. I've got a chip on my shoulder! I'm motivated!

Apparently, San Diego and its Super Chargers, whose logo features a gay horizontal thunderstorm, are planning to ride this disrespect wave to victory. The fans are fired up, reminding the Steelers that San Diego is 2-0 historically in the playoffs at Pittsburgh, and you can bet your rusted out steel-producing asses that Antonio Cromartie is going to find solace in Dan Fouts leading the Charge over Pittsburgh in the 1983 playoffs. Fuck, now I feel disrespected!

Some Pittsburgh columnist named Ron Cook wrote an article suggesting that the Steelers are likely to face the Ravens in the AFCG, and of course the bandwagon fans in San Diego took some time away from their surfboards to get all riled up. Reading the comments on San Diego's article was fun. You did it, Ron Cook! You disrespectedly motivated up the Chargers! Phillip Rivers wasn't even going to try to throw touchdown passes this weekend. But then he read Cook's article and he's fired up, so fired up that he intends to not intentionally throw interceptions to James Harrison. Nice job, Cook. Douchebag.

This begs the question...why do morons think that this has any effect on the actual teams? Why? "Steeler Nation is overconfident"....who the fuck cares? Does anyone think Ike Taylor is going to waltz around the defensive backfield now because Jim Lewis from Ambridge is overconfident while he slams Iron Cities at Tetanus Tom's Pub? Or because Ray Jenkins in Monaca already thinks this win is a foregone conclusion as he eats three orders of wings at Why You All Up In My Grille and Bar? As the Kenan and Kel guy says in the SNL Blizzardman sketches, NO. NO!! NO!!!!! It's not going to have any effect on Aaron Smith. Or Darren Sproles.

And so what if an article ends up on a team's bulletin board? We had bulletin boards in high school, for Christ's sake. Once you start playing the game, you forget about disrespect. And motivation. And looking ahead. And how good the opponent is. All of that. If there is a player on my NFL team that won't try his hardest in an NFL game until he is properly motivated by disrespect, I'll motivate him by cutting him immediately. If you can be motivated to play harder and better and be faster, then you weren't trying hard enough in the first place.

So fuck it. I'm going to disrespect the fuck out of the Chargers.

Oh look, it's Philip Rivers and his family. Your wife is smokin', Phil...she's got that whole Jerri Blank in Strangers With Candy vibe going on.

Oh yeah. I wouldn't fuck her with Billy Volek's dick and Norv Turner calling out the positions. And you, Philip? You define douche. Summer's Eve markets a product with a Philip Rivers scent. You'll continue to play out your career in a desperate attempt to perform better than Drew Brees, leading your Super Bowl caliber team to a miraculous 8-8 finish in large part due to a lucky last minute comback against the 1-23 Kansas City Chiefs. Nice pick in the end zone against Indianapolis, though...you really are playing with a hot hand right now. Chargers are on fire! Somebody douse those motherfuckers with some cold water! Please, two teams on winning streaks come into the game, meaning one of them has to win. And they proceed to slapdick around for 65 minutes until one team penalties its way into the end zone. Wow. Yeah, these teams were both dangerous.

You are so patriotic, LT! A real American! A real American who can't do dick in playoff games because you sit every single one of them out with a new vag injury. Detached groin? Did your labia split open or something? You cockguzzler. People still think you are one of the NFL's best players even though you haven't averaged over 4 yards per carry in like two years. You are done, Tomlinson. Done. You might as well take your gay earrings and leave and let some five-foot tall midget from Kansas State take your place. You really did the Chargers a favor by forcing them to run Michael Turner out of town. He was nearly the MVP...you are in the running for MVP as well, but all I can tell you is that the V stands for "vagina". I bet that visor is only there to protect your eyes from Shawne Merriman's skeet shots. LIGHTS OUT!

What the hell are you pointing at, Sproles? You have one decent game and now everyone's on your mighty undersized jock. 23 carries for 104 yards against one of the worst run defenses in the league. Before that 22 yard romp in OT, you were averaging 3.7 yards a carry. You are such a fucking weapon, Sproles. Very considerate of you to try and take some of the back-breaking turnover responsibility off of Rivers' shoulders with that end zone fumble, though. He struggles to lose games entirely by himself, and you really picked up some of his slack there. Hopefully some team still overpays for you next season to return punts for them. Also, your grandma has AIDS.

Hey, Cromartie with an interception! We saw that sight a whopping two times this year, even though the superstar in question promised to break the NFL INT record of 16 this year. You had a great year in 2007, Cromartie, and one particularly great game against Peyton Manning and the Colts last November. And believe it or not, you are still getting mileage off of that. Like, people still to this day think that you are really good because of that one game. Stop holding the ball like you are trying to jack it off, douchebag. You ain't Deion.

Fuck the Chargers. I'm disrespecting the tits off of them. They suck. They were lucky to keep it close when they played against the Steelers in November. That won't happen again. They are going down.

Put that on your bulletin board, cocksicles.


Symo said...

Fuck yeah Vern! Fuck the Chargers! lmao...

matt said...

That was serious. Loved it!

:hi-five: goes to you vern