Monday, January 26, 2009
Yeah, I know that just listing random things is the lowest form of bloggering. You know, Jay Mohr level stuff. Stuff anyone can do. But hey, I'm anyone. So I'm gonna do it. I just took a trip (ON A PLANE!!!!) over the last four days and every time I do that it leaves me with a bunch of strange thoughts. I hope I can remember them now.
- I hate Randomtalk Jacksons. You know, the people that just try to strike up a conversation with you and continue it when you show that you aren't interested. Be it in line at an airport, at the checkout line in a grocery store, or even while I'm sitting behind a bush in a parking lot jacking it to thoughts of Stephanie Tanner. Yes, guy with a Florida hat, bag, t-shirt and soul, I am wearing a Florida Gators hat. No, I didn't graduate. They are a pretty popular university for their athletics, dude. I just like the team. Now go sit down and touch yourself while thinking of Danny Wuerffel.
- Charles "Sully" Sullenberger's biggest contribution was not the fact that he saved all of those people's lives when he landed his plane in the Hudson River. His absolute biggest contribution was the fact that he made plane crash humor lighthearted again. Now, when the lady (or gay dude) on the plane is doing the run down on the oxygen masks or the floatation devices under the seat, people aren't like, "hey, what are we going to need oxygen for when we are dying a firey death?", followed by frightened glances and forced smirks. Now, people are like "yeah, in case we have to land this motherfucker in Lake Okeechobee" and everyone's like "LOL!" and "plus one to you, sir!" and it's just so much more jubilant.
- Speaking of the landing in the Hudson, stop believing the news anchors when they say "reports indicate that the water was 20 degrees!". I heard them say as low as 8 degrees. EIGHT FUCKING DEGREES. Here, let me show you a picture of a river when the water is 8 fucking degrees:
- I saw a Bentley drive by while I was waiting for a ride home from the airport. I thought to myself that if that Bentley would have picked me up, I would have mentioned that it was the most expensive vehicle I'd ever rode in. They I would have paused and been like "wait, I just got off of a $100 million plane".
- I hate the phrase "deplane" in regards to clearing off an airplane. A plane can be deplaned, we can deplane the plane, you can probably describe a plane as deplaned. It's retard in noun, verb and adjective forms. But you only use it for planes. You don't call somebody up and say "yo, I just pulled up in front of your house...should I decar now?", or "yeah, it took a little longer for the 4th graders to debus today". When I degauss my computer monitor, I don't have to get out of my gauss to do it. So I'm going to punch the next person that says that right in their child.
- I hate people who criticize others for "selling out". I would sell out so fast if given the chance. Life's too short to actually have to work during it. If Chevrolet offered me $500 to change the name of this blog to "You Lay on the Ice Like the All-New '09 Chevy Avalanche", I'm not only doing it, I'm also letting everyone that works for Chevrolet take their turn face-fucking my wife. Assuming I'm married when it happens.
- It's official Steelers week here on planet Earth. If there aren't going to be enough Cardinals fans to argue with, I figure our best shot is to make everyone else hate us. Do your part, fans of the 5-time Super Bowl champs.
That's all I have. For now. Because I know there was more. I should invest in a notepad of sorts.