Sea Kittens!

I hate PETA. I think I only hate Ray Lewis more than I hate PETA. Really, if Braylon Edwards showed up during Thanksgiving dinner and killed my grandparents with a maize and blue knife I wouldn't hate him as much as I hate PETA. They make people who don't want to give Wayne Huizenga tax cuts look bad.

PETA has done a lot of f-ed up stuff in the past, such as comparing the holocaust and the Canadian dude who got his head cut off on a Greyhound bus to animal slaughterhouses. They've thrown paint at people wearing fur. FUR IS MURDER! So is eating plants. Or are the plants alive? If so, that's even worse. I'm eating a live plant! That's just heartless.

But while this last stunt is certainly not the most vile thing they've done, it's easily the gayest. PETA mc-fucking-seriously wants to rebrand fish as sea kittens to get people to stop eating them. SEA KITTENS! Their thought process assumes that once people (especially kids, I guess) start to think of fish as kittens, they won't want to eat them. Seriously. I wish I was clever enough to make all of this up. I really do. It's only going to upset kids in the end when they see pictures of grizzly bears in alaska eating up salmon kittens like there's no fucking tomorrow. Maybe PETA can go talk to the bears personally.

See, PETA...the reason this is not going to work is because people are not stupid enough to confuse fish and fucking kittens. Kittens live on your couch, they are furry, soft, they purr and rub up against you and you can pet them. Fish live in the fucking ocean, are kind of grimy, and taste absolutely delicious. If fish weren't delicious, then maybe. But they are. They can give you a semi if they are good enough. I never got hard thinking about eating a kitten. That paragraph is rifer with double-entendres than Baltimore is with STDs.

On PETA's sea kitten website, they have an option for creating your own sea kitten. So, of course, I did.


That's my sea kitten, "Jizzguzzler". She's so precious. I gave her a litterbox and a bowl of water, EVEN THOUGH SHE LIVES IN THE FUCKING OCEAN AND IS NOT A CAT. I also accesorized her with a princess dress, cat ears, a unicorn horn and an elephant trunk. I did this so it would have a hard time swimming and hopefully fucking drown in a lake somewhere. I would jack off so hard to this dead fish that my penis would look like Santonio Holmes' wife after an argument. It would be cut harder than Paul Ernster was.

FUCK YOU, PETA. Why do you do this to my head? Why do you make me hate you so much?!?!?! I hate fur. Fur is gay. Why is that not your campaign? Imagine how effective this would be:


That ad campaign would be hugely successful. And no one could argue with it...50 Cent does indeed look gayer than flavored chap-stick in that picture. They could equate fur with jizz lattes. But noooo, they have to go with fur is murder and save the animals and all that jazz. Well fuck the delicious animals, PETA. I will personally kill all of them and eat them. I will make fur condoms and fuck your activists while wearing them. I will build a fur house and do nothing but torture animals in it. And it's all going to be your fault.

PETA, why do you have to make people hate kittens?