Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Disrespecting the Cardinals

Why not? It's been working well in the past.

And the Cardinals have supposedly been riding this no one believes in us train all the way to the Super Bowl. Now they have been designated as 10-point underdogs! What the f. Surely this disrespect will power them over the Steelers in the Super Bowl. That's a hell of a lot of disrespect, man. They might have a royal disrespect flush with their disrespect cards.

And I'm going to raise.

Jesus doesn't care about your football career, Kurt. Really. He doesn't. He doesn't allow you to complete touchdown passes to Larry Fitzgerald just to smite Asante Samuel. He didn't make you an NFL quarterback because you were so faithful bagging groceries. I'm sure a bunch of other grocery baggers pray like rockstars and still end up bagging groceries. You are just able to throw a ball well. You aren't special. You know who else thinks the Lord made him the football player he is today? Ray Lewis. And he killed two people! Really, outside of the dancing and jazz hands, the only difference between you and Ray Lewis is that Ray's wife doesn't look like a dude.

Get that jizz rag off of your face, Larry. Could catch something from that. And I'm not talking about a touchdown pass.

I'm assuming that torching Sheldon Brown and Quentin Demps on trick plays has you fired up and thinking that you are going to continue to light the world on fire in the Super Bowl. But you won't. Two pretty good catches in the playoffs has the media thinking that you are unquestionably the best wide receiver in the league, but be careful...those same lips that they are blowing you with were just on Whisenhunt like 10 minutes ago. Better get some Valtrex.

Oh, Arizona does have a defensive superstar! Adrian Wilson, the Polamalu of the NFC now that Brian Dawkins is 47 years old and everybody else in the conference sucks. They suck hard enough to cover one of Fitzgerald's catches for a local media outlet. But you, Adrian Wilson...you are so unheralded. "Oh look, I'm Adrian Wilson, nobody talks about me". I feel bad for you. But then I remembered that your team plays in the NFC West. Shaun Hill could make Willie Colon look like a game-changer at safety.

For someone who's like, 6'2" and 230 lbs, you sure have quite the little man complex, Boldin. Just because Fitzgerald's better doesn't mean you have to pout like a little bitch while your team punches their ticket to the Super Bowl. Sneaking out the back during the celebration? I hope you end up as a real superstar in Detroit next year. Wait...they have Calvin Johnson. You'll be up to the same tricks. Plus, wherever you go you are going to lose out on the Arizona steroid pipeline. How do you think Thomas Jones and David Boston got so big?

What happened to you, Edge? You used to be good. Did you just go to Arizona to retire like everyone else? Tommy Maddox didn't even get washed up as quickly as you did. And you are grumbling that you don't like being a backup...please. No one is going to bring you in to start for them. And I'm including Canadian League teams in that group as well.

The Whis! You superstar. How did you do it? How did you take a team that many thought was a sleeper and bring it to the playoffs out of one of the weakest divisions in NFL history?? How did you get your team to regroup and beat shaky Atlanta and Philly teams and accept the gift in the the divisional round from Jake Delhomme after all of those blowouts in December? The Steelers fucked up by letting you go, Whis. How the hell were you able to make an offense work while playing in domes and warm-weather climes armed with only the best WR corps in the league and a former MVP quarterback??? Whis could fix the Steelers in a second. His first move would be to move them to the NFC West.

Fuck Whisenhunt. He took the Cardinals to a 9-7 season, going 6-0 inside his division. Impressive. Now everyone's blowing him. Coach of the year! Who would have expected a team we imagined would challenge for a playoff berth to get a playoff berth! And then fight their way through such a murderer's row in the playoffs. It's not your year, Whisenhunt. Not until you get a defense who's greatest strength is something other than hoping that Donovan McNabb misses every open receiver he has in the first half.

That's what I think about the Cardinals. There should be a disrespect bukkake going on all over their faces right now. Let's hope Jesus put money on your team, Warner.


Symo said...

Ah, just in time, and on target. Love the Ray-Ray/Warner angle...

Rage said...

Jesus hates the fuck out of sports stars who he think he gives a fuck about their careers...I could give examples but Jesus says no....

I HATE that shit.