The Roast of Brenda Warner

*raucous applause*

Kurt Warner: Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming tonight to roast my beautiful wife, Brenda Warner. We're gonna have some fun tonight, guys, I think you can be sure of that. But before we get to the jokes, let's bow our heads for a prayer.

Dear God, thank you for bringing us here safely tonight and for giving us the opportunity to hold this charity event. Thank you for the food and alcohol that we are fortunate to serve to our guests tonight. Thank you for the bountiful blessings you have bestowed upon our families to get to this point in our lives. And please, please let someone else fuck my wife tonight so I don't have to. HEY-YO!!!!

*laughter*

Ok, let's bring up the first roaster, Mike Martz, who will apparently be doing this via headset.

*applause, Mike Martz walks to the podium*

Thanks, Kurt. Finally using that bulldyke wife of yours to give something back to the kids, eh? I guess it's better than holding a Melissa Etheridge concert.

*laughter*

Ladies and Gentleman, if you want to know how bad it was before Kurt made it to the NFL, just look at his wife. He actually thought this chick was hot. This guy makes $8 million a year now and his biggest claim to fame is still the fact that his wife invented the Guido haircut.

*laughter*

I see Dick Vermeil is here.

Dick Vermeil, everybody. Dick fucking Vermeil. Dick is the only person on the planet that Nancy Kerrigan has told to stop crying like a bitch.

*laughter*

This guy rode my offense to a Super Bowl win like it was a 17 year old girl drunk on wine coolers and he was Mark Chmura.

*laughter*

But enough with Dick, wouldn't want to hurt his tender feelings. You fucking bitch, Dick Vermeil.

I see Ken Whisenhunt is here.

Ahh, Ken Whisenhunt. The only coach in NFL history to make the playoffs before he got a win outside his division.

*laughter*

Whisenhunt actually got passed over for a black guy. In a fucking recession! Were you working in the NFL or in a fucking shoe factory?

*laughter*

Good God. But enough of that. Let's go to the guest of honor, Brenda Warner.

Where's Brenda...oh! Sorry, Brenda. For a second there I thought you were Aquaman in drag.

*laughter*

What the fuck is up with your hair, Brenda? At least try to look like a woman. The fuck. Regardless, it's nice that Kurt and Brenda are so close. They are so close that Brenda actually showers with Kurt in the locker room after the games. Or at least we're told, since nobody on the team actually noticed.

*laughter*

Nice half sleeves, Brenda. Did you give the other half to Allen Iverson?

*laughter*

In all honestly, Brenda, congratulations on all the good you have done for the community and for Kurt. Your faith is really an inspiration to us all. Kurt owes so much of what he has become to your strength and support.

*applause*

I just hope he sucks your dick tonight to thank you.

*laughter*

Thanks, Coach Martz. I'm sure I speak for everybody when I say I can't wait to see what your offense can accomplish in the Canadian League next year.

*laughter*

Let's welcome our next roaster, Dick Vermeil.

Thanks, Kurt. I'll try not to cry today like I did when I realized that you would be quarterbacking my football team when Trent Green went down.

*laughter*

I still wonder just how good we could have been if we didn't have a shelf-stocker behind center that year.

Thanks for the shoutout, Mike Martz. I think it's remarkable that you have hung around the coaching ranks for this long after singlehandedly destroying so many teams. You are like a staph infection with a headset.

*laughter*

I retired three years ago and I'm still more relevant than you.

I see Larry Fitzgerald made it tonight.

The Predator! Larry Fitzgerald shares a great deal with the movie character, as both are absolutely unstoppable freaks of nature.

Of course, even the Predator in the movie didn't have any restraining orders against him. If you hit defenders as hard as you hit women, you could be Adrian Wilson.

*laughter*

But let's not dilly-dally around. We came here tonight to roast Mrs. Warner.

I know I said I wouldn't cry tonight, but that was before I stared directly at Brenda Warner's face.

*laughter*

Brenda, you really do make a grown man cry. I know you are a very devout religious person, maybe you could give up Supercuts for Lent?

*laughter*

Seriously, Kurt. Kanye would be proud. This is the marriage equivalent of winning the Super Bowl and driving off in a Hyundai.

*laughter*

Brenda, I'm jealous of your faith. I mean, to really think that Kurt isn't out cheating on you after every game? Christ, David Duchovny wouldn't even fuck you.

*laughter*

Thanks, you fucking white-haired vagina.

Brenda, I'm really proud of you for sitting up here and taking this abuse like a man.

*laughter*

Don't let any of these jokers get to you. You've got a fucking blubbering excuse for a head coach and a career offensive coordinator, the likes of whom combined to win one Super Bowl with perhaps the greatest offense of all-time. Mike Martz has killed so many teams that you'd think he was a pilot at Marshall.

*laughter*

I wouldn't have it any other way, Brenda. It's like I'm Dwyane Wade and you are my Star Jones. Or I'm Ashton Kutcher and you are my fucking old ass washed up Demi Moore. I guess I should tone it down, our adopted kids might be watching.

*laughter*

But it wouldn't be fair to do this without giving you a chance to respond, so come on up.

Thanks, Kurt! Let's get this over with quickly so I can get back to fucking Edgerrin James.

*laughter*

I'm just thankful God blessed me with a journeyman quarterback of a husband capable of throwing lob passes to some of the greatest receiving corps in the history of the NFL. One great thing about this season was that we found out how good Jay Fiedler could have been had he been placed in the right situation.

*laughter*

And you, Dick Vermeil...I talk to Jesus, and even He can't tell me why you are such a fucking labia. God damn it, would you stop crying already??? I swear, we'll leave Britney alone.

*laughter*

Mike Martz...you couldn't coach a college senior into an unconscious freshman chick. Mike Singletary took his pants off in the locker room and you made him look like the reasonable coach in San Francisco. Martz, if you killed any more offenses I'd think you were riding shotgun with Leonard Little.

*laughter*

But that's all I've got for today. Sure, I may look like a dude, but I married an NFL quarterback when he was working the shelves at a Hy-Vee. You think we have a pre-nup? Yeah. Fuck that. All I have to do is lay back and hope he can get it up. So all of you can suck my...

*pulls out giant penis*

That's right bitches!

Peace!