Wednesday, January 7, 2009

NFL calendars

There's not a big market for calendars anymore since, you know, everything electronic these days tells you exactly what the current date is. Phones, computers, electronic tracking bracelets, etc.

But there's something to be said for a calendar that really expresses the current time of the year through it's pictures. And who better to release one than the NFL? I'd like to pitch an NFL theme calendar to the head honchos at the league. Goodell, you can even have the cover.

And yes, I get that these aren't all 2009 calendars in the pictures. Suck it.

JANUARY: LT on the sidelines

What says January more than Playoffs? Nothing. And there's certainly nothing that says playoffs more than a shot of Chargers superstar Ladainian Tomlinson on the sidelines nursing the latest injury that will keep him from doing anything meaningful in the postseason. I'm pumped up already!!!! This one will have me crossing off the days in red marker in anticipation of the Super Bowl steadily approaching.

FEBRUARY: Black head coaches

As the Super Bowl usually takes place at the beginning of the month, let's just associate it with the January picture. More important is the NFL's recognizance of Black History Month through display of their ever-increasing number of black head coaches, as the league desperately enacts measures so as not to appear as a bunch of cross-burning racists. Black head coaches can do unintelligible rant just as artfully as white head coaches, as evidenced by Denny Green's "Crown Their Ass!" masterpiece. They can also fuck up basic game management decisions just as well as their white counterparts.

MARCH: Bengal getting DUI

You may think that the offseason just started and some players may have just been loosening up a bit too much. Well, the Bengals offseason has usually been underway for quite some time by March, which is usually about the time of the first alcohol-related legal offense by one of their players. This should serve to convey not only that the offseason is upon us, but also that football is still in the air and the draft will be coming shortly.

APRIL: Disgruntled Belichick apologizing for cheating

Ahhh, April! The draft is in the air. Kiper won't shut the fuck up. Chris Berman ratchets up the annoyance meter to here-to-unforseen levels of kill yourself. So you don't want to see a picture of their grimy mugs. But what can keep you excited for the draft? Right! A picture of Bill Belichick apologizing to the world for his latest form of cheating and being slapped on the wrist by the league when they strip one of his draft picks. Shame on you, Billy! Now you can't draft Curtis Painter in the fourth round!

MAY: Naked Steeler

After the draft is the worst time of the football year, as nothing really happens at all. No more draft to look forward to, no free agent signing until June...but there is one thing that the NFL has consistently provided over the past few offseasons, and that is random pictures of Steeler cock ending up all over the internets. First was Jeff Reed, second was Santonio Holmes. Who is going to step up this year? Could it be Ike Taylor? Matt Spaeth? Casey "Big Snack" Hampton? The suspense is killing me!

JUNE: Dan Snyder throws huge money at washed-up free agent

Ahhh, the Redskins, so doomed for a salary-cap hell that Pat Robertson wouldn't even be able to save them. Every year free agency begins and every year the Redskins rush at the latest flavor of the month with a wad of cash so big it could fill Peyton Manning's helmet. And every year the Redskins fans get their hopes up only to have them crushed like a vicodin on Brett Favre's coffee table. Speaking of Brett Favre....

JULY: Brett Favre retires

In July, the NFL will chose to celebrate the career of one of its most identifiable players, Packers QB Brett Favre. Brett, the all-time NFL passing yards, passing TDs, interceptions and pain-killer usage record leader, will ride off into the sunset after one of the more storied careers in NFL history. Favre will always endure a god-like reverance in the town of Green Bay, a town full of die-hard fans of the team that he returned to its historic prominence. Brett Favre will always be remembered for putting Green Bay back on the map.

AUGUST: Brett Favre un-retires

Apparently bored with his new life of farming and taking painkillers, Brett Favre decides to come back to the game he loves and still to this day plays like a little kid. A bidding war amongst teams desperate to kill their locker room with an interception-prone impersonable gunslinger breaks out and Favre heads to Miami to do what Marino never could...throw more interceptions than touchdowns in a single season. This will really get people fired up for training camp.

SEPTEMBER: Dallas dominance

Nothing says September like the Cowboys running through an easy early-season schedule and the media talking Super Bowl. T.O. getting his act together, Tony Romo throwing 4 touchdowns a game, the defense playing stout...all of this causes Cowboys fans to get drunk on hope before ultimately getting fucked in the end, just like a 17-year old girl at Mark Chmura's house. If the Cowboys are America's team, then September is certainly America's month.

OCTOBER: Disgruntled Lions fans

Lions fans complaining again? Fire the whole front office! Cut Orlovsky! Fire Millen again! It must be October. Likely mathematically eliminated at this point, Lions fans have watched their team sputter along for the past few years barely showing so much as a spark, so it's hard to blame them. It will be interesting to see if this team can actually reach maximum ineptitude.

NOVEMBER: Vince Young sulking on the sidelines

We're halfway through the season! That means Sadface Young must have quit by now, right? Absolutely. Just don't forget to keep up with your marker, checking off the days as they pass. Just because Vince Young would just say "fuck it" doesn't mean that you should, too.

DECEMBER: Fired head coaches

It's December, the playoff picture is being finalized, and everyone is gearing up for the playoffs. At least, they are if they made it. If not, they probably fixed that glaring O-Line and secondary problem by...firing their head coach. Hey, it's easier to change one guy than 55 guys, right? And no, don't answer that question if you've ever starred in a gangbang.

I'd probably buy a calendar like that. Get on it, NFL!

No comments: