Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Disrespecting the Ravens
Last week I discussed the extreme ball-chappiness resultant from a meaningless playing of the disrespect card. And today, after the "can't beat a team three times in one season" card was played, I am feeling exceptionally chapped in the balls. So, to help alleviate this painful condition, I am going to disrespect the fuck out of the Ravens and that Grand Theft Auto game of a city they play in.
So suck it, Baltimore. Suck it long and hard and try not to give me any herpes even though it is your chief export. When I saw M&T Bank Stadium full before the December football game that the two teams played I could have sworn that someone was filming the world's largest Valtrex commercial. Sure, the Steelers had to make things for their offensive line simpler last week, but at least they didn't need to worry about Simplex. But I'm fresh out of STD humor. Let's get down to disrespecting the Ravens.
Hey, it's Joe Flacco! When Cascada wrote "Everytime We Touch", she was thinking about your eyebrows. Really, you should be married to Philip Rivers' wife. And you are a superstar now that you've carried your team through the playoffs, hitting a smoking 20 of 45 attempts? I congratulate you on not throwing any interceptions in the postseason. If it weren't for a complete self-destruction by the Titans, you would have valiantly carried your team to a somewhat respectable loss. But at least you are ugly enough to serve as a decoy while Ray Lewis runs around murdering people outside of his limosine.
Terrell Suggs, continuing the Raven tradition of being the ugliest players in the NFL. Makes sense why they would all dance so much to feel pretty. Suggs mentioned this year that the Ravens had a bounty on Hines Ward and backed it up by completely disappearing when they played the game. Made the Pro Bowl this year by openly campaigning for it in interviews. Considers Ray Lewis a mentor. A lot to not like here. Only had 8 sacks this year, but he said it was because he was becoming a more complete player. So of course he had 68 huge tackles to go along with them. You are so complete, Suggs. Maybe Ray has been teaching him how to get completely wiped out of a play by a single blocker.
Bart Scott! You role player. Think you are such a superstar, though...it's that Ray Lewis and Ed Reed in you. At least Ed Reed is a superstar. You are like the DJ Clue of linebackers, always talking yet never actually doing the substantial work. You have one big hit and you think you are a star. Youtube has videos of both Hines Ward and Jamal Lewis blowing Bart Scott the fuck up. The Ravens bounty is really paying dividends!
And you, Ray-Ray. God's Linebacker. The jester of this defense. Jumping on more piles than a San Francisco orgy. Murdering people. Getting away with it. Turning to Jesus. Apparently hearing Jesus say, "it's ok my Son, for I will forgive you for killing two people if you go out there and dance and show your jazz hands and run around and tackle people". And Ray jumped on piles, and his sin's were forgiven. What a cross to bear, being the official linebacker of God. A lot of pressure. But Ray-Ray can handle it. When you hear him speak, even though you can't understand a fucking thing that he is saying...you just know that the man has a passion for whatever the hell it is that he actually does. You were Krieder's bitch and Bettis' bitch. OLD BETTIS! Old Bettis made you his bitch. You should have retired right there, but I guess it was against the terms of your probation. Ray Lewis is like a birth control pill...put one on him and he's blocked 99% of the time. But keep yelling, Ray. You'll get your chance to run across the sidelines and stop a runner dead in his tracks 8 yards down field.
So fuck all of the Ravens. I am disrespecting the entire team. Fuck John Harbaugh, who is retarded enough that he is on record as saying he wouldn't take any other QB in the league over Joe Flacco. Fuck Ed Reed. Fuck Derrick Mason. Fuck all of them.