Argument that chaps my balls: Big RBs wear down defenses

Above is Le'Ron McClain, FB/RB for the Baltimore Ravens. Bruiser. Big ass mother f-word. This week he says that he hopes to wear the Steelers out so that they don't want to tackle him in the fourth quarter.

And that chaps my balls.

And this is nothing against McClain, who is a good runner. Bettis said it, Eddie George said it, hell, everyone says it. "Big running backs wear down the defense. When that 4th quarter comes around...oh man!". I disagree. I'm about to get real assumption-y:

Now, let's assume that an elite NFL RB gets 20-25 carries a game. And this big guy is an elite RB. Let's say 15 or so of these carries are in the first three quarters. And we'll even assume that the secondary is not coming up and making stops on him. That means each of the front 7 defensive players averaged about 2 tackles on the big RB in the first three quarters. That's supposed to wear them down? Please. They are going to get worn down just playing the game, making any tackle, taking on blockers every play, etc. It has nothing to do with the fact that a big running back wore them down. Any running back will wear them down. It's just the nature of the game. And now they aren't going to each be able to tackle the guy one more time because of this? I just don't see it. Tell me I don't get football or something. I don't care. You'll just be adding even more chap to my already chapped up balls.

Blackness

TOMLIN'S BLACKNESS BLACKING THE STEELERS TO VICTORY

By Pubes McCafferty

PITTSBURGH, PA - The old steel-town of Pittsburgh in mid-January is not a place for the weak-willed or for those with a virulent strain of syphillis that restricts their bodies from naturally warming themselves. The snow flutters down almost constantly from the grey skies, the roads accumulate a dark, grimy layer of sleet, and the homeless people get hard at the mere mention of the Snuggie commercials. But this town usually has one thing to warm the hearts of its residents at this desolate, forboding time of the year...its Pittsburgh Steelers.

And the man leading them is doing it with pure blackness.

Black head coach Mike Tomlin, 36, was brought over before the 2007 season from the Minnesota Vikings, where he served as the black defensive coordinator under white head coach Brad Childress. Tomlin's black-coached defense was the best in the NFL against the run and impressed Dan Rooney when it came time to replace a Pittsburgh white-coaching icon in Bill Cowher. And Tomlin has responded by black-coaching his team to a 12-4 regular season record followed by a black playoff victory last week against the Chargers. And he's doing it all with pure, unadulterated blackness.

"When he first entered my office for the interview", said Rooney, "I knew right away that this was the black head coach for my team. He carried himself like a black head coach, he laid out a black plan to achieve victory, he just had a swagger about him". Like us, I asked? "Yes, 'like us'. It was like he walked into the room with Ludacris, TI, Jay-Z and Kanye West right behind him, rapping their little black hearts out".

Rooney is not the only one impressed with Tomlin's unique brand of blackness.

"We were not too big on coach when he first came in", said wide receiver and team leader Hines Ward. "A young guy, never been a black head coach before, taking over a team that had Super Bowl aspirations. We didn't have time to adapt...we were ready to go right now. And Coach just stepped in and gave us that calm blackness that we needed to get to the point we are at now". I asked Ward if Tomlin's blackness black-coached the team to victory last week. "Absolutely", he said. "Coach Tomlin can become just the second black coach to win the Super Bowl this year if we pull this out, and we fully expect him to black-coach us to the Lombardi".

White Ravens white head coach John Harbaugh knows he has his work cut out for him going into the black hole on Sunday. "Definitely. I'm definitely concerned about facing coach Tomlin's blackness. But, I have the utmost confidence in our guys to counter their blackness with things that actually matter, like yards and tackles and stuff like that". When asked if he's ever seen a team black-coached better than the 2008 Steelers, Harbaugh paused before saying that that might indeed be the case. "Hmmm...that's tough. I mean, Coach Dungy black-coached the Colts to that Super Bowl in 2006 and if you don't have a ring it don't mean a thing. But this Steelers team is at least close to that level of black-coaching, especially on defense. And looking at the tape, it appears that they were really black on offense last week as well. When Mike's blackness affects both the offense and defense like that, they are going to be tough for any team to beat. We'll just have to go out there and do our best to counter it".

Tomlin has a chance this Sunday to do what no black coach in Pittsburgh Steeler history has ever done and black-coach his team to a Super Bowl berth. "That would be nice", he said yesterday while getting a blow job from his 19-year old white neighbor, "but that's not the main goal here. I have to black-coach this team to a win on Sunday first and foremost, but my job isn't done then just because I became the first black coach to black-coach the Steelers into the big game. Hold on while I finish". Tomlin then blew it all over the 19-year old girl's face. "The main goal is go win the Super Bowl, not just get there. I didn't get into black-coaching just to black-coach my teams into second place. I black-coach to win and that's what I plan on doing during my time here".

Win or lose, Mike Tomlin appears to be building a black-coaching foundation for a lot of future black-coaching success here in the Steel City.

Disrespecting the Ravens

Last week I discussed the extreme ball-chappiness resultant from a meaningless playing of the disrespect card. And today, after the "can't beat a team three times in one season" card was played, I am feeling exceptionally chapped in the balls. So, to help alleviate this painful condition, I am going to disrespect the fuck out of the Ravens and that Grand Theft Auto game of a city they play in.

So suck it, Baltimore. Suck it long and hard and try not to give me any herpes even though it is your chief export. When I saw M&T Bank Stadium full before the December football game that the two teams played I could have sworn that someone was filming the world's largest Valtrex commercial. Sure, the Steelers had to make things for their offensive line simpler last week, but at least they didn't need to worry about Simplex. But I'm fresh out of STD humor. Let's get down to disrespecting the Ravens.



Hey, it's Joe Flacco! When Cascada wrote "Everytime We Touch", she was thinking about your eyebrows. Really, you should be married to Philip Rivers' wife. And you are a superstar now that you've carried your team through the playoffs, hitting a smoking 20 of 45 attempts? I congratulate you on not throwing any interceptions in the postseason. If it weren't for a complete self-destruction by the Titans, you would have valiantly carried your team to a somewhat respectable loss. But at least you are ugly enough to serve as a decoy while Ray Lewis runs around murdering people outside of his limosine.



Terrell Suggs, continuing the Raven tradition of being the ugliest players in the NFL. Makes sense why they would all dance so much to feel pretty. Suggs mentioned this year that the Ravens had a bounty on Hines Ward and backed it up by completely disappearing when they played the game. Made the Pro Bowl this year by openly campaigning for it in interviews. Considers Ray Lewis a mentor. A lot to not like here. Only had 8 sacks this year, but he said it was because he was becoming a more complete player. So of course he had 68 huge tackles to go along with them. You are so complete, Suggs. Maybe Ray has been teaching him how to get completely wiped out of a play by a single blocker.



Bart Scott! You role player. Think you are such a superstar, though...it's that Ray Lewis and Ed Reed in you. At least Ed Reed is a superstar. You are like the DJ Clue of linebackers, always talking yet never actually doing the substantial work. You have one big hit and you think you are a star. Youtube has videos of both Hines Ward and Jamal Lewis blowing Bart Scott the fuck up. The Ravens bounty is really paying dividends!


And you, Ray-Ray. God's Linebacker. The jester of this defense. Jumping on more piles than a San Francisco orgy. Murdering people. Getting away with it. Turning to Jesus. Apparently hearing Jesus say, "it's ok my Son, for I will forgive you for killing two people if you go out there and dance and show your jazz hands and run around and tackle people". And Ray jumped on piles, and his sin's were forgiven. What a cross to bear, being the official linebacker of God. A lot of pressure. But Ray-Ray can handle it. When you hear him speak, even though you can't understand a fucking thing that he is saying...you just know that the man has a passion for whatever the hell it is that he actually does. You were Krieder's bitch and Bettis' bitch. OLD BETTIS! Old Bettis made you his bitch. You should have retired right there, but I guess it was against the terms of your probation. Ray Lewis is like a birth control pill...put one on him and he's blocked 99% of the time. But keep yelling, Ray. You'll get your chance to run across the sidelines and stop a runner dead in his tracks 8 yards down field.


So fuck all of the Ravens. I am disrespecting the entire team. Fuck John Harbaugh, who is retarded enough that he is on record as saying he wouldn't take any other QB in the league over Joe Flacco. Fuck Ed Reed. Fuck Derrick Mason. Fuck all of them.

Go Steelers.

Argument that chaps my balls: Beating a team three times is so hard

You hear it all the time. "OMG, it's so hard to beat a team three times in the same season". Yes. It would be. Assuming you said this at the beginning of the season. But you never hear it then...only in the playoffs with one game remaining. And at that point...why is it so hard?

If you flip a coin 374 times, yes....getting them to land on heads 374 times is indeed extremely difficult. To the tune of...ok. My calculator can't even calculate it. Let's say you want to flip a coin on heads 20 times in a row. You have a 1 in 1,048,576 chance of accomplishing this feat. However, if you flip it on heads 19 times in a row, you still have a 1 in 2 chance of the 20th flip landing on heads. So if someone said to you, "you know, it's very hard to flip a coin heads up 20 times in a row", they'd be right. However, if they said it to you after you had done it 19 times and used it as their reasoning that it would be hard to do it a 20th time, you should be able to legally cockwhip them. The football example of this playing out cannot be that much different. And the statistics back up this claim.

It was broken down empirically here.

This post was written before the Cowboys prepared to take on the Giants for a third time last season, a game they did end up losing to the eventual Super Bowl champs. So you have to add that to the loss column of his stats. However, they are telling. 18 such instances have occured in which a team had a chance to beat another team 3 times, and in 11 of these instances, they did. 11-7, and 9-4 at home (odd that so many had to go on the road). This just shows that it is not hard to beat a team three times AFTER YOU'VE ALREADY DONE IT TWICE. That's the important part. Yes, few teams beat other teams three times. But that logic only makes sense at the start of the season.

"But now the losing team is more familiar with the winning team", you may say. I may then slap you. The winning team is also more familiar with the losing team. Might the Ravens win this weekend in spite of the statistical odds being against them? Of course. But it will have nothing to do with the fact that they lost the first two games. Think about it...if Jeff Reed misses that OT field goal in the first game and the Ravens drive down the field to win...are the Steelers now more likely to win this playoff game (assuming they are still at home)? No. Not an f-ing chance. If the Ravens win, it will be because both games this year could have gone either way. The teams have been evenly matched. It will have nothing to do with the fact that the Steelers went 2-0 against Baltimore in the regular season. At all. My balls have so much chap right now that you would think they were a young English lad.

Assuming this argument is true, the following must also be correct:


- It's harder to get away with beating your third wife if you got away with beating the first two.

- Didn't get AIDS the first two times you didn't wrap it up? Fuck. You are screwed the next time.

- If you have already killed two people in DUI accidents, you might as well keep doing it because you are pretty much in the clear at this point.

- Let's just say that this argument is the reason you never see "triple-penetration" in a pornographic film.

- Already ate two Subway $5 footlongs after hearing the stupid commercials? The third one might make you gay.

- The Chicago Bulls had two three-peats in the 1990s? No wonder Michael Jordan's wife divorced him.

- R. Kelly has carte blanche to piss on a third teenage girl. So don't be surprised if he's already done it and we just haven't heard about it yet.

- Twins are ok, but anytime you meet a set of triplets, they might tie you down and forcefully shave off your pubes.


Assuming that it is so damn hard to beat a team for a third time after already defeating them twice....well, then those must all be true!