Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Needed a change

I gave up, then decided I maybe wanted to come back. But just wanted a fresh spot.

Vern = Flaccid Jeff and is at

I give this new location a month before I quit again and move to Indonesia.


Friday, July 16, 2010

F You, Verizon

I have been trying to get a new phone from Verizon for THREE F-ING MONTHS.


And I still have the same old God-damned motherf-ing 5 year old flip phone that can't check MY MOTHERFUCKING EMAIL! What if I get an email from some hot chick that says "hey, I don't usually write emails to dudes asking if I can blow them right now because who does that, but today just seems different". I'd be screwed! Well, not screwed. That's how I'd be screwed. Anyway, you get the point.

I was going to get the original Motorola Droid in late May, but I saw that a phone called the "Incredible" from HTC was coming out. And it was incredible, and so I decided to wait. And wait I did. Went into the store, they didn't have them. Come back on the 7th. Came back on the 7th, they said come back on the 21st. Came back on the 21st, they said they don't sell them in the stores anymore, get it online. Didn't get paid, had to cancel the order. Got paid, tried to order it again, and they had pushed it back now until mid-August.

Is this HTC's or Verizon's fault? Probably a little of each, but who cares about HTC. Verizon had a shortage of phones so they had to have more built. And then they didn't have enough built to meet a demand that they fucking knew of quite well. And, of course, every Verizon store is decked out in ads for this phone during this whole saga. BUY A DROID PHONE GET A FREE ONE!*

*Phones not actually in stock. And won't be for months. Fuck you.

So, I sigh and mutter something in my head and order this phone online again. But, I make one last call to a store somewhere in the sticks to see if they have it. They do not, but he has a Motorola Droid X prototype and it is coming out on July 15. He tells me that I will be upset if I get the Incredible without checking out the X. So I go out and check it out.

And the X is awesome. Huge screen. Lightning fast internet. It's great. And it's available BEFORE the Incredible's stock will be replenished. I'm in. I gave him my number and he said he'd call on Wednesday and I could pay then and pick it up on Thursday. Perfect.

Didn't get a call. Whatever, Verizon's going to have plenty of these available.


Fuck no.

Again. Three months of this and Verizon, et. al. still cannot get this fucking right. Not exactly the way to make a dent in the smart phone market. I'm fed up. I'm pissed. I'm about to cancel my phone and go to AT&T because even though it's AT&T and I like Droids better than iPhones, you can walk into an AT&T store and you can leave it WITH A MOTHERFUCKING PHONE. Quite the concept there. Revolutionary business plan.

But it was going to cost $60 to cancel the line. I'm cheap and it has like, 21 days left. Then I calmed down, said to myself, " really hate AT&T. And every motherfucker has a damn iPhone. Just order the damn phone online".

So I did. And it ships next Friday.

Fuck me.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Oh, Florio

Let's check in on the latest opinion piece from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pictured above, Mike Florio.

Last week, Panthers receiver Steve Smith made a bad decision to play flag football with adults.

This week, Giants receiver Steve Smith made a bad decision to play funny man regarding adultery.

In the wake of news that Tiger Woods will pay his ex-wife hundreds of millions in a divorce settlement, Smith (the New York one) had this to say on his Facebook page:  "Big up to Tigers wife all she had to do is open her legs and say 'I Do' and now she's one of the richest people in the world lol."

For starters, his comment isn't humorous.  The bigger problem?  Smith is suggesting that she somehow trapped Tiger in the hopes of cashing in.  But she's not the one who repeatedly and brazenly violated the marital vows; he did.

Tiger's not the victim here.  If he didn't think he could honor his promises to his wife, he never should have gotten married.  Especially when he knew that failure to do so would result in giving her a large chunk of his financial empire.

Holy God, Florio. More sanctimonious drivel.

So...let me get this straight. Steve Smith made the bad decision of...posting something that Florio disagreed with? Michael Vick just shot a guy. Santonio Holmes Twittered about smokin' the ganj. So did a WR from the Florida Gators recently. Darnell Dockett put a video of himself showering on some Youtube-type site. Terry Bradshaw fucked Elena Kagan on Perez Hilton's website twenty minutes after her Supreme Court confirmation hearings. There are much worse and much dumber things going down right now.

But this...this one's the worst. Because Florio doesn't agree with it.

For starters, Mike, YOU don't think it's humorous. I'm not exactly suggesting that Steve Smith should open up for Louis CK during the off-season, but I thought it was slightly chucklesworthy. But..."the bigger problem"? "Smith is suggesting (Tiger) trapped (Elin)"? Why is that the bigger problem? Why is that even a problem? Is he on her legal team? Was she fucking Steve Smith on the side during her marriage? Who the fuck cares? Why do I bother?

And Elin is the victim. But then she got $750 million. Sooooo, sorry if I can't drum up the requisite amount of sadness for her.

Tiger obviously shouldn't have gotten married. Even though adultery isn't a crime, it's not the best look for your public image. And it's gonna cost you. But to suggest that Steve Smith has a problem for making a joke about Elin's now likely diamond-vajazzled nether regions makes me want to jump out of Chris Henry's pickup truck.

Fucking Florio.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Blow me, Rain-X

Just like Ben Roethlisberger, Rain-X. My penis is exposed, I have my bodyguard blocking the bathroom door, you are stuck...and you might as well just get this over with.

Earlier this year, I purchased some tires for my Lambo at Tire Kingdom. The Lambo had also been struggling with clearing rain from the windshield, and lo and behold, there were some wiper blades for sale right on the desk. What the f, you know? I'll take some. And even better, Rain-X was offering a $5 mail-in rebate! SCORE! I could spend that money on 37 gallons of 1954's gasoline!

So what does Rain-X present me with in the mail? A FUCKING CHECK FOR $10 MADE OUT TO TIRE KINGDOM. Yeah...thanks, Rain-X! I can go get $10 of free work at Tire Kingdom, provided they actually accept it! This is exactly what I signed up for!

Not only that, but it expires 180 days from the 2/8/2010 date printed on the check. Tire Kingdom sells TIRES. I just bought TIRES. If my FUCKING TIRES need replaced in 180 days, I have bigger problems than replacing said TIRES. Such as, why did I only get 6 months from these motherfucking tires? Did I spend actual money on these 6-month tires? If so, I should never ever go to Tire Kingdom ever again. Not even for 'free' work.

So blow me, Rain-X. You said I'd be getting a $5 rebate and then you hit me with this pathetic offering. I'm considering just dropping the check off at Tire Kingdom and letting them have it for free. Because, fuck Rain-X. Fuck Rain-X and everything they stand for. Except removing rain from windshields. I can get behind that one.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Mike Celizic brings me back

As you may have heard, a no-name pitcher from Detroit nearly threw a perfect game yesterday against the Cleveland Indians. Armando Galarraga retired the first 26 batters, bringing up number 27 with the chance to make (recently watered down, but still) history...induced a ground ball that first baseman Miguel Cabrera fielded....threw to Galarraga at first...and the umpire, Tim Joyce, called the runner safe.

Video showed otherwise.

So, after Galarraga retired the next batter, there is a bit of an outcry for Bud Selig to change the call.

Now, whether you think he should or not, if you can't see both sides of this issue, then you're crazy. If you think Bud Selig is an idiot for not changing it, you are insane. If you think changing this call means that Selig now has to change every borderline call in every single game from this point forward, then you are also insane.

No matter which decision Selig decided to make, people would be all over him for it. Because he's Bud Selig. Selig decided that the call would stand. Mike Celizic decided that this displayed a lack of leadership. Celizic, however, is clearly insane.

You should have reversed the call, Bud. For the first time in your irresolute reign as commissioner of Major League Baseball, you could have been a leader.

I don't get it. Sure, Selig may not be the best commissioner in baseball history. But people pile on him like no other sporting executive. Roger Goodell doesn't get this much criticism. So Selig called an All-Star game a tie. Who the fuck cares? It's an exhibition game. Is that not leadership? What should he have done? Do you think whoever was managing the Cubs at that time would have liked seeing Sammy Sosa pitch in an All-Star game? You blew it, Bud. Could have been a leader! Honestly, someone please explain how Selig deciding this case either way shows leadership or a lack thereof. I'll be here all week.

When you have the ability to correct an injustice, you also have an obligation to do just that. Bud Selig had the ability and the authority to reverse umpire Jim Joyce’s blown call and declare Armando Galarraga the newest owner of a perfect game.

Bud Selig also had the ability to call whoever hit the flyball that Jeffrey Maier caught for a homerun out. He could have corrected that injustice. Replay was pretty clear that it wouldn't have been a homerun. I guess Selig could have called it a double and resumed the game from there. And that would have been INSANE.

Bud Selig may not want to open the door to commissioner-revised calls. And whether you agree with him or not, you should be able to see where he's coming from. Unless you are Mike Celizic and you like to argue just for the sake of arguing.

What’s great about this is that the situation is unique. It’s never happened that a pitcher lost a perfect game on the last out because of a clear mistake by an umpire that’s right there on a DVD for all to see. So there is no precedent to break, just one to set.

There is the precedent that commissioners don't change calls retroactively. Who cares how unique it is? A commissioner has never throw the first pitch on opening day with his dick out. Doesn't automatically make it a good idea.

Correcting Joyce’s call from safe to out would have taken a hit away from Jason Donald and an at bat away from Tim Crowe, who got to make the final out after Donald was declared safe. Crowe certainly wouldn't have objected to losing an at-bat that resulted in an out, and Donald shouldn't complain about losing a hit he neither earned nor deserved.

Probably true.

This was a no-brainer decision, which means Selig was singularly qualified to make it. There were no ramifications other than to correct an egregious injustice and relieve Joyce of the crushing guilt he feels at having blown the biggest call of his life. The game result would remain the same. The score would remain the same.

This is not a no-brainer decision. This is the commissioner stepping in and changing a call. That NEVER fucking happens. Does it? If it does, show me where. Selig absolutely could not win here, no matter which way he decided to act.

Like it or not, this would set a precedent that is...that is unprecedented. Or something.

The argument against changing the call is that it lets the night crawlers out of the can. If you correct this call, then you have to correct others, starting with Don Denkinger’s blown call in Game 6 of the 1985 World Series between the Royals and the Cardinals.

Those damn night crawlers. Some people think this may open Pandora's rectangular storage contraption. I disagree. Anyway, if a Douglas Fir falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, can you really detect any decibels? As a wise man once said, give a man a rainbow trout, you'll feed him for...I have no idea where I'm going with this. Who the fuck says night crawlers instead of worms?

It’s a convenient argument raised by people who can’t bring themselves to do the right thing. After all, baseball has been doing the wrong thing and defending it as tradition for more than a century. Acting against reason is a hallmark of the game.

Yes. You had better hope that you don't suffer a heart attack around people who raise this argument. BECAUSE THEY WILL STAND THERE AND WATCH YOU DIE.

Football fans have to be laughing themselves silly over this. Their sport has a mechanism to correct bad calls, so this doesn’t happen in football games. It wouldn’t happen in a basketball game, either, where officials can check the replay to determine if a last-second shot is a two-pointer or a three-pointer and whether the player got it off before or after the buzzer.

Yeah, watching an umpire blow a perfect game for a guy who will almost certainly never have this chance again has me LOL-ing.

But not baseball. Baseball is a game that insists on doing things the old-fashioned way for no good reason other than that’s the way it’s always been done. That’s how the game managed to get to 1947 before it allowed a black to play. It’s why the game tolerated and even encouraged cheating by pitchers for generations. It’s why the game continues its inexplicable and indefensible opposition to replay for anything other than home run calls.

Baseball, football, hell....fucking AMERICA didn't let black people play during this time period, either. Do you think baseball was staging race riots or something? Was it baseball that had whites-only drinking fountains? Was baseball barring black players from attending the same high schools as white players? Black Americans were only allowed to do two things in 1942...shine shoes and play jazz. That's it. So don't blame this blown call on Satchel Paige.

But the ban on blacks was broken and cheating by pitchers has been eliminated. So saying that this call cannot be changed because baseball has never done such a thing before is not a valid argument. In the old days, the technology didn’t exist. Now it does.

You have to be fucking joking. Now that black players are allowed to play in the major leagues, you can't say that this is a bad idea because it's never been done before? Holy fucking mother of God Shammgod. He's right...change everything you feel like changing. Black people are now part of the fabric of our great national pastime.

Also, Celizic railing about baseball being stuck in the past and not catching up with time is absolutely hilarious. Just read the first entry here.

Besides, baseball does have a mechanism for changing results. It’s called the protest, and, while it doesn’t apply to blown calls, the intention of the protest rule — to correct a violation of the rules of the game — is the same. And a protest can change a result. This would not.

Then why don't they protest?

The good thing about this controversy is that it turns up the pressure on Selig to allow replay on such calls, and the sooner the better. Others have weighed in on that issue, so all I’ll say is that at the same time Selig announces that Donald was out, he should also announce a replay system. I’d give each manager one challenge a game, with a league official in a booth to demand replays of questionable last-inning calls. Do it right and it won’t add appreciably to the length of the games.

I would absolutely love to see what Celizic's thoughts on instant replay were...oh, last week. As I saw written elsewhere...if you weren't for instant replay before but are not strongly behind it...fuck you.

In any event, umpires aren’t wrong that often. In most games, the replay would never come up.  

I bet it would come up almost every single game.

But that’s for the future. Selig had to break another stupid tradition and reversed this call. It wasn't a matter of exercising his discretion, but of doing his duty to the game.

It’s not about games that happened last year or last century or in 1985 in Kansas City. It’s about a unique situation that happened yesterday. 

You could have started a new tradition, Bud. Call it “doing the right thing” or “simple justice.” You could even go back to the commissioner’s catch-all explanation for everything: the integrity of the game. 

If this didn't qualify as a matter of integrity, nothing does. 

Oh, fuck you, Mike Celizic. Integrity? You have to be joking. Not changing this call shows a lack of integrity? That is absolute balderdash! It's rubbish! Honestly, just like leadership...does integrity even come into play either way here?
What a bad day to be Budmund F. Selig.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The NFL thinks that BJs are worse than dog murder!

Ben Roethlisberger happened to hook up with a gold-digging chick without her jealous, vindictive friends and the NFL suspended him 6 games.

Michael Vick systematically tortured furry little dogs to death after events of his interstate gambling ring and received a 2 game suspension.


God damn it do I hate this argument. And it's a relatively common argument. "Vick killed dogs and got 2 games, while Ben did nothing and got 6. What the f is up with that? That's not fair".

I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. Vick lost just about every dollar he had, his career as arguably the most popular player in the NFL and two years of his life to prison, and the fact that Goodell only gave him two games shows that there is some sort of conspiracy? Or that the NFL suspensions are completely out of whack?

You can make an argument that Sheriff Goodell's suspensions are arbitrary and often not fitting, but don't cite Vick and expect to keep my attention. Vick did two years in jail. He lost almost everything. And now, just because he only got two games on top of that, he got off lucky? You don't think that the two years in prison may have shaken him up a bit? That he could not have been sufficiently mollified to Goodell's liking?

I'm looking at Vick's suspension as a 34-game suspension. The fact that Goodell obviously weighed in the jail time that Vick was forced to do when determining NFL discipline does NOT show a conspiracy against the Steelers, whether you believe Ben committed a crime or not. Both did some Shield tarnishing. That's what Goodell is looking at. Goodell felt Ben's behavior was out of control and punished him to reign him in. If Vick didn't go to jail, do you think that he would have only been given two games? Please. I bet he would have gotten the full year. Same goes for Donte' Stallworth. If he would have gotten a year in jail, do you think that Goodell still would have added a full year from the NFL on top of it?

Vick's two games to Ben's six games does not show a lack of fairness. Or a conspiracy. Or a belief that killing dogs is ok while getting BJs in restrooms is absolutely not (or giving, in Jamal Anderson's case). This is disregarding the probable belief of many that one sexual assault on a human is worse than the electrocution of 100 dogs. Vick did a fuckload of time. Ben did not. The legal system punished Vick for sullying the shield. It did not do so to Ben.

So you can tell me that the punishments meted out by the NFL are so arbitrary and the guidelines so vague that they do a disservice to the league's image. And that suspending Roethlisberger sets a poor precedent. That I'll listen to. But if you try to tell me that this shows that the NFL puts dog murder on the back-burner behind public indecency, I'll going to tell you to stop. And if you try to suggest that this exposes the NFL conspiracy against the Steelers, then I'm going to walk away.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Pick One

'Sup, bitches.

I will preface this by saying I have no knowledge of legal matters and Supreme Court shizz beyond what I read on Wikipedia while bored at work. So, I'll be procrastinating again, going on random Wiki-surfing trips and doing some "tab-jumping" that will lead me on a voyage that hops from Tidal Acceleration to Rutherford B. Hayes and I'll walk away from that with a spotty, incomplete knowledge of something I can barely even describe. So keep that in the Keep that in the front of your mind while reading anything that I write.

Anyway, I was thinking...all of the Jort-party members and Facebook philosophers were all up in arms about the Unconstitutionality of the Commiecare bill last month, right? The Constitution doesn't give the government the right to make people buy healthcare! The Constitution also doesn't say that you can't rape your dog, but I digress. The Constitutional argument, as I'm told, is that this could be argued as an example of the government infringing all up on state's rights. Which, I guess, seems like it could be a reasonable argument. I'm thinking it would also strike down social security and medicare, but that's another argument for another time.

BUT, these same people are defending the Arizona law in a newly energized frenzy of SPEAK ENGLISH! However, isn't this the same thing but in reverse? Isn't this a state attempting to regulate a national matter? This isn't between Mexico and Arizona. This is between Mexico and the U.S. Does Arizona have the right whatever it is they are doing to immigrants? I don't even know what they do when they find illegals under this law. Do they send them back to Mexico? Do they kick them out of Arizona? Do they force them to teach Arizonan children how to turn double plays? I'm not sure. Whatever.

I do think that this Arizona law will be overturned, and I don't think it's exactly like the Federal law. It may be close. But...wouldn't they have to ask everyone for their "papers" to make it Constitutional? If a legal U.S. citizen with a tan goes to Vons supermarket and gets in a fight but cannot produce an ID, he is charged with a misdemeanor, I believe. If Jim from Accounts Payable does the same thing, he likely will not be asked for his ID. So he doesn't get the misdemeanor. That seems like some profiling. AND, the law requiring "reasonable suspicion" of Mexican-ness is quite vague, as a friend has pointed out to me, and is somewhat similar to Kolender v. Lawson, which set a precedent for all matters involving liquid strainers. And this is all ignoring the retarded clause that actually gives citizens a vehicle with which to SUE THE FUCKING POLICE if they don't think they are doing a comprehensive job adhering to the policy.

BUT...f that. I love trainwrecks. And if the right wangers were smart, wouldn't they want this to go to the Supreme Court and hope that their Justices can get it overturned on the state/national matters aspect? Couldn't this then trick the court into having to declare Obamacare as Unconstitutional when it inevitably comes in front of the Court? Would this cause complete anarchy? WOULD MICHELLE BACHMAN FINGERBLAST HERSELF ON THE HOUSE FLOOR?!?!?!

I'd certainly watch some CSPAN to find out.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Yo Ben...take a break from that film. You might rape somebody again.

Pictured is David Cornwell, a former NFL attorney who now has a field of work that involves, well, making problems for NFL players go away. You can read about him here. Seems like a bad-ass motherf-er.

Of course, that would make him a natural to get involved with Ben Roethlisberger's RAPEAPALOOZA 2010, the latest in an annual rapefest put on the Steelers quarterback. He's been working with Roger Goodell to build the terms of Ben's suspension and eventual return to doing what he loves most...missing quick reads on the football field.

Cornwell wrote a letter to Roger Goodell recently, and the letter was intercepted by noted slueth Peterfluous R. King of Sports Illustrated (the "R" stands for Reconnaissance). It's down a bit on that page.

Dear Commissioner Goodell:

I am confident that we share the same view of the men who play professional football. While the public sees men of extraordinary athletic prowess, rarely is there any acknowledgement of the years of physical and mental preparation or the commitment that is made merely to be in the position to compete on Sundays. This pervasive blind spot tends to cause the public and the media to focus primarily on the football player and not the man who plays football. But, we know better.

My view is that too often there is an inverse relationship between the player's talent and the man's ability to confront and overcome challenges of life away from the game. I have gotten to know Ben extremely well over the past year. Watching Ben off the field has given me great insight into why he has been so successful on it. Ben's rectilinear approach and his method of analysis -- processing things as a quarterback so that he is in control -- have served him well as a football player, but this singular focus is the primary reason that he is facing the challenges that he currently confronts. Life cedes control to no man.

Though I could not have predicted these specifics, I am not surprised that Ben is dealing with a challenge of personal development. His passion for football and the remarkable success resulting from his commitment to the game necessarily means that he has compromised his development in other areas. No person has unlimited capacity. I believe that Ben's challenge is to channel some of the energy he has committed to becoming an extraordinary player into becoming an equally extraordinary person.

While Ben's sexual activities may offend some, anyone would have been hard pressed to predict that Ben's actions would have resulted in such vicious and false allegations. Ben bears exclusive responsibility for the consequences of his choices, but that does not mean that these particular consequences were foreseeable. Whether it is in the privacy of a hotel room or in the more risky environment of a semi-public restroom, a false allegation of rape simply is not within the zone of the foreseeable consequences of consensual sex.

There are two prongs to the intended effect of discipline. One is to discourage repetition of the offending behavior. The other is to encourage behavior that is more consistent with accepted principles and/or established procedures. What Ben should not have done is abundantly clear. What he should have done differently remains elusive. None of the numerous people with whom I have discussed this matter has offered a tangible alternative to the choices that Ben made other than to suggest that Ben "make better choices" in the future.

I cannot fathom how a suspension or any other form of traditional discipline will help Ben make a better choice the next time he decides to have consensual sex. The difficulty that Ben had in articulating a distinction between the risks associated with private and semi-public sex is the product of the undeniable similarity between the Reno and Georgia accusations, even though one event occurred in the privacy of Ben's hotel room and the other in a semi-public bathroom.

As you consider your options, I hope you will focus on an approach that establishes a direct nexus between your response and the issue to which it responds. Whether I am considering these options as Ben's advocate or as the person who has had the privilege of engaging in frank discussions with you unburdened by our professional affiliations, I am unable to discern a link between a suspension and any useful lesson or message that would tend to alter Ben's conduct in the future.

This is one of the more challenging conduct issues that you have confronted because the fundamental issue does not involve an arrest or criminal charges. This is an issue of lifestyle and the need to develop the tools and a method for addressing the unique challenges and opportunities that flow from the stature and celebrity enjoyed by the men who play football. I trust Ben's private conversation with you gave you a glimpse into the difficulty he had in distinguishing who he is from what he does. The public and media have yet to master this distinction. In considering where all of this will lead us, I take comfort in knowing that Ben is not the first 28 year old man to confront the reality of his actions being inconsistent with his values. Luckily, most of us have the benefit of navigating the treacherous waters of maturation outside of the glare of the media and the public.

Following a recent disciplinary hearing, you and I discussed privately your commitment to address each case based on its unique set of facts, without regard for the rancor of the public and the press. I know your commitment remains unchanged. We have also discussed my view that under certain circumstances imposing traditional discipline following a meeting between you and a player tends to devalue the impact of your unique qualities as Commissioner. While your authority emanates from the NFL Constitution and Bylaws, your effectiveness is the product of your ability to connect with the men who play the game in a manner that neither of your predecessors enjoyed.

The nuanced and dynamic nature of the issues that got us here requires an equally nuanced and dynamic response. I look forward to continuing our discussions so that we can structure such an appropriate response.

Very truly yours,


Let me bold one of these parts for emphasis:

Though I could not have predicted these specifics, I am not surprised that Ben is dealing with a challenge of personal development. His passion for football and the remarkable success resulting from his commitment to the game necessarily means that he has compromised his development in other areas. No person has unlimited capacity. I believe that Ben's challenge is to channel some of the energy he has committed to becoming an extraordinary player into becoming an equally extraordinary person.

Forget the rest of the letter, a lot of which I actually agree with. When I cockwhip some chick in public, it doesn't make it to TMZ. BUT...the thought that Ben is out bein' all rapey because he's spending so much time in the film room is one of the most asinine things I've ever heard in my life. And I once listened to Glenn Beck's radio show daily. Ben is just...he is not and likely never will be known for his "commitment to the game". He's not Peyton Manning. Or Tom Brady. Or Jerry Rice. Or the ghost of Steve McNair. Or anyone noted for anything even kind of related to commitment and passion and anything like that. You never saw Jon Gruden punching bitches in the face and blaming it on a 20-hour day at the office. Hines Ward never raped anyone with his tiny Asian wang and attributed it to the extreme passion he has for blocking. Santonio Holmes never....well, never mind. Point is, that's not Ben. And even if it were Ben, it would likely be ridiculous.

I'll buy the concussions theory. That may have some validity and could use some extra study. But saying that Ben Roethlisberger is a tremendous douche because he loves football so much? That repulses the part of my brain that processes information. It legitimately paused while I yelled at it to work and tell me what I had just read. Then it tried to quit and I had to talk it down from the ledge.

Can football possibly be the only thing that would cause such a condition? We'll call it "Personal Evolution Nearly Impossible Syndrome" (PENIS). Ben cannot be the only athlete or other personality suffering from PENIS, can he? Did Kobe Bryant's PENIS cause him to rape that chick in Colorado? Does somebody like the aforementioned Glenn Beck have such a history of douchiness because of PENIS? Bill Cowher obviously had some tremendous passion for did he steer clear of PENIS during his career? And when did Ben's PENIS first take hold? How old are you when you learn not to rape? 20? I doubt Ben was all about football during his time at Miami Ohio, but then again, I'm only basing that on just about every anecdote I've ever heard about his time there.

So play it safe, kids, and take a break from that homework. You wouldn't want geometry to lead to a sexual assault.

Monday, April 12, 2010


Ben, thanks for stopping by today. As I understand, you've had a bit of a hit to your image recently.

Yeah. It's been a rough couple of months. Ever since I raped that second chick, everybody thinks I'm a rapist.

You don't say. Well, you've come to the right place. Here at Fuckstick and Jones, we specialize in rebuilding that trust and public image that you've dismantled with your recent actions. We help the media to see the real Ben again. You will be redeemed, Ben.

You must be Fuckstick.

Uh...yeah. Anyway, I see you have brought a friend with you.

Yeah, that's my man Willie Colon. He's my offensive lineman. My right-hand man. Say hi, Willie.

...he's kind of shy. Anyway, what have you got cooked up for me?'ve really done a number on yourself, Ben. People absolutely hate you right now. Women are appalled that you're raping them, men are appalled at the low quality of the women that you rape. The men we can worry about later. First step is to get women back on your side.

That's a great idea. How we gonna do that? Maybe I could do some breast cancer speeches or maybe bake some shit? I could do some kind of charity for battered women. You know, the one Silverback was gonna do if he actually gave a fuck about his public perception.

Well....that's what we would have suggested last year. But this is your second rape. Most people on their second rape are kind of, you know, in prison. We're going to have to go a step further for you. 

You want me to actually do some community service of some sort? I could donate a lot of money to a woman's charity or something like that.

Let's just say...this one's gonna hurt you somewhere other than the wallet. I'm glad you brought your friend Willie with you.

...uh, yeah. I bring Willie everywhere. He makes sure I don't get in any trouble.

Well, he's obviously doing a heck of a job.

Ben, would you say that Willie is a good friend? Like, a real good friend?

Of course, me and Willie are total BFFs. 

And you trust Willie? You have a good enough friendship and enough security to overcome certain...activities?

Uhhh...what are you getting at?

We figure there's really only one way for you to connect with these women that are against you even playing in the NFL again.

What is that? Willie sucks at baking. He's not going to be able to help me there.

Ben...we need Willie to rape you.

Whoa, motherfucker! I don't swing that way, bitch! I'm not even under contract right now!

But Willie, surely you see...

I don't see shit, motherfucker! Cut him! Trade the motherfucker! I don't recall being asked to rape Dennis Dixon. Fuck. That.

But Willie, this just might work. And we're total BFFs...

Man, fuck you! I ain't raping you! I'm not even the rapist here. THAT'S YOU! YOU NEED TO STOP RAPING PEOPLE!

I told you, Willie, I swear, that was my last rape!

Willie, this is the only way to salvage Ben's reputation.

Fuck off, man! Everybody knows he did it. His reputation is irreparable. What's me raping him gonna do? You think this is a media distraction right now? Just imagine until it gets out that the Steelers players are raping each other. I'm supposed to deal with that on the road? Man, fuck this. I'm out of here.

Come on, Willie!

*Willie leaves the room*

Damn it. I figured that might happen. Ben, do you know anyone else who may be alright with this plan?

I think I got this covered.

*Pulls out cell phone*

Yo yo Big Ben, what's goin on my man?

Hey Jeff, we got a keg down here at....

I'll be right there.

*hangs up*

You think you can get a keg?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Rooney II 'fucking thrilled' over new Holmes allegations

By Pubes McCafferty

PITTSBURGH, PA - The usually cold and docile winter in this working-class city has been heating up as of recent over criminal allegations levied against players from its once-proud football team.

Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Santonio Holmes is the latest player to play the role of defendant, as he is the target of a civil suit by a Florida woman claiming that he threw a full glass at her in the VIP section of an Orlando nightclub on March 7, causing a laceration under her eye. She claims that Holmes, along with help from the Orlando Police, used his NFL cachet to dissuade her from pressing criminal charges at the time.

All of this has team president Art Rooney II livid.

"Yeah, I'm fucking thrilled about this", Rooney II said sarcastically. "This is fucking great. This is just what we fucking needed right now".

When pushed for comments on Holmes' upcoming contract negotiations, Rooney II continued with the sarcastic responses.

"Yeah, let's make him the highest-paid fucking woman beater in this entire fucking league. And that's saying something with all of these dickheads punching their fucking whores all the time. This reflects really fucking well on our league and our team. This is Pittsburgh fucking Steeler football right here".

"I'm sure Jack Ham is fucking loving this shit", Rooney II continued. "I know Mean Joe Greene is eating this up. This is what those guys built. They intended for the Pittsburgh Steelers to eventually turn into an organized fucking crime syndicate", he said, dripping with more sarcasm as he went along.

"Rod Woodson's gotta be fucking loving this, too. And the fucking coaching staff. I bet Dick LeBeau's dick is hard over this shit".

Rooney II then taunted the assembled media for even asking for his opinion.

"So, now you goatfuckers know what I'm thinking. I'm sure it would have been real fucking hard for everybody to imagine how I'd react to this without actually fucking asking me these retard fucking questions. So, do any of you fucking idiots have anything else you'd like to know? Do you want me to start sucking your dicks just to show how fucking happy I am that my entire team is out raping and fucking woman-beating?".

Rooney II then stormed out of the room without sucking any dicks. A phone call to a team spokesman asking for further comment was not returned.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Safe Place

I took a Mensa test a few weeks ago. Half of it was the Wonderlic. Yeah, those 50 questions aren't too hard at all, but the timed aspect makes them kind of ridic. Sure, it's not too hard to find out how long 210 pounds of beef lasts a family that eats 1 2/5 pounds per day. But it is when you have 14 seconds to do it. Ironically, vegetarians usually ace that question. And yes, I realize that that joke wasn't actually ironic. Just wanted to clear that up.

Anyway, the test was at a branch of the Broward County Public Library system. And I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that this library was MAYBE on par with the library at good old Gateway Middle School in Monroeville, PA. Yes. The school that I went to for 5th and 6th grade has a comparable library to BROWARD FUCKING COUNTY. The actual Monroeville public library blew it out of the God damn water. Goooo, Florida! I wish I had gotten a picture, but the people who showed up at 9:45 am and waited by the doors so that they could get in at 10 and use the computers were some freaking characters. People never cease to amaze me.

Point is, the above sign was affixed onto the side of the library. And I looked at it and thought, that's kind of strange. I mean, look at it. AND THEN, yesterday, at the gym where I play dodgeball on Wednesday nights, was ANOTHERof these signs! WHAT THE F? Look at that thing? Did Ben Roethlisberger design that? Is this a safe haven for rapists and gropers? Seeing this sign twice at two non-consecutive buildings made me feel like Groper Cleveland. I'll be here all week.

Seriously, though...for whom is this meant to invoke feelings of safety? Who wants someone to sneak up behind them for a quick interracial groping? I'm positive that at least 20% of sexual assault that goes on in South Florida is a direct result of this "come rape me!" sign. Maybe the next generation of this sign will describe a non-arousal zone and have a picture of a flaccid penis on it. Only you can prevent crotch fires.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Jacksonville, Florida. Largest city in Florida by population, believe it or not. Almost twice the population of Miami. So why can't they fill the stadium up? I mean, they are first rate! As PFT states:

As the Jaguars try to recover from a season that featured home crowds in the lower reaches of 40,000, owner Wayne Weaver said at the annual meetings in Orlando that he is encouraged by the early sales for 2010, in the wake of last week's initial deadline for season-ticket renewals.

"I think it came in really well," Weaver said Monday, per Michael C. Wright of the Florida Times-Union.  "Our renewal rate is going to be way up compared to the past.  We've got a long way to go, but it's moving well."

As Wright explains it, Friday's deadline applied to the eight-month payment plan, which includes eligibility for various prizes, like a trip to one of the team's road games, where fans might be able to experience the thrill of a full NFL stadium.  (Unless the game is in Tampa.)

The team's official web site currently shows that 16,242 season tickets have been renewed, and that 29,418 tickets per game must be sold to avoid local blackouts.  Last season, only one of ten home games met the minimum threshold for sales, permitting the contest to be televised locally.

I've been to Jacksonville Municipal Stadium for a couple of Gator Bowls, and it's a first-rate facility.  Jacksonville also is, in our view, a first-rate town.  So we continue to be flummoxed by the failure of the locals to fill the place up.  It's NFL football, folks -- and with another year or two of 40,000 fans per game, it won't be NFL football for much longer.

It seems a lot of people don't understand the demographics of Jacksonville that clearly. Sure, it has a population of 800,000. That's almost three times that of Buffalo and over twice that of Pittsburgh and Cleveland, three places that have no problems filling up a stadium. And two of those places have terrible teams. Much worse than the Jaguars have been over the past few years. The Jags won a playoff game as recently as 2007. So why can't these people go to the game?

Because those numbers are misleading. Jacksonville has an area about 15 TIMES that of Miami.

Take a look at Jacksonville. It's the largest city in the lower-48 by terms of land area. It takes up almost the ENTIRE COUNTY. The metro area that has 1.3 million people in it takes up like, 5 counties. It's the fourth largest in the state...behind Orlando. Not even taking into account the economic depression in the's just not that big.

Let's look at NFL cities and their metro areas:

New York 19.0
Chicago 9.6
Dallas 6.3
Philadelphia 5.8
Houston 5.7
Miami 5.4
Atlanta 5.4
Washington D.C. 5.4
Boston  4.5
Detroit 4.4
Phoenix 4.3
San Francisco/Oakland 4.3
Seattle 3.3
Minneapolis 3.2
San Diego 3.0
St. Louis 2.8
Tampa Bay 2.7
Baltimore 2.7
Denver 2.5
Pittsburgh 2.4
Cincinnati 2.2
Cleveland 2.1
Kansas City 2.0
Indianapolis 1.7
Charlotte 1.7
Nashville 1.6
Jacksonville 1.3
New Orleans 1.1
Buffalo 1.1
Green Bay 0.3  (112 miles north of Milwaukee 1.5 M)

Jacksonville is right at the bottom. I'm not even going to count Green Bay here because they are such an anomaly. And they have, like, a history. I guess both teams share Mark Brunell.

Jacksonville's metro area takes up 3,700 square miles. Buffalo's takes up 1,600. New Orleans has a comparable area, however, the city itself is about a fifth the area of Jacksonville's. Basically, there just aren't that many people living near Jacksonville's stadium. Combined with the fact that they don't have that much money and that the team is relatively new...I can understand that they can't get 70,000 people to the stadium. That's one-tenth of their people. And I'm not even taking age into account. If New York put one-tenth of their people into the stadium, they'd have to sit about 30 to a seat. Pittsburgh would fill their stadium to almost 4 times it's capacity. 

What I'm saying is...there probably shouldn't be an NFL team in Jacksonville.