Friday, May 29, 2009

Ohmygod the NHL wants the Pens to win

Here's a little opinion piece from a site called "Kukla's Korner", or Abel 2 Yzerman, or whatever the hell it's called. Regardless, the article is a great way to give your eyes HIV.

It doesn’t have to be a sinister thing. There is no Deep Throat, no Jeff Gillooly, no Shoeless Joe giving in to a little fiscal temptation.

Yeah. This isn't Scott Peterson taking Lacy fishing, or brutally murdering Jon Benet Ramsey, or Rwandan genocide or anything like that.

It just boils down to this and it’s real simple: Gary Bettman does not like the Detroit Red Wing organ-I-zation and he would like Sidney Crosby to hoist the Cup.

Ok. Let's see what your evidence is.

It’s not a conspiracy, it’s just a deep burning hatred that Bettman feels for Mike Ilitch, Jimmy Devellano and Ken Holland.

Gary Bettman would piss on your Domino's pizza if he could.

And it might have something to do with the fact that he tried to adopt Crosby, dress him in footies and share Yoohoos with him most afternoons after Pens practices.

Oh my God. Your humor is about as cutting edge as the Bangladesh health care system.

That’s not true, as far as I know. I made that up.

You are kidding. You had me there! You are like the Jackie Robinson of embarrassingly bad humor.

But Bettman’s infatuation with Crosby’s success is not fiction. He vaulted him to the forefront from the beginning as the face of the NHL. He’s kept him there despite the painfully obvious fact that Crosby has the personality of a gnat and the petulance of a napless five year old.

You hear that Crosby? You need to take a fucking nap. What the fuck was the reeling NHL doing looking for superstars to promote? And what the hell is the league doing keeping the 2008 scoring champ at the forefront of their marketing machine? They should just put LeBron James in commercials.

Is Gary Bettman starting the Finals this Saturday, then continuing on Sunday for the first back-to-back since the ‘50s as an intentional means of stifling the Wings?

You have got to be kidding me. Seriously, you have got to be strapping me to a gurney and piss-waterboarding my face. Are you fucking joking? Yes, Bettman is a colossal fuckup of Manny Ramirez bitchtits-sized proportions but if you think that Bettmaster is scheduling the finals this way to intentionally spite the Red Wings then you are seriously borderline retarded. Paris Hilton has shaved off pubes smarter than this thought. He's doing it because more people watch TV on the weekends and he wants to start the series on a weekend because it will make MORE FUCKING MONEY FOR THE NHL. And layoffs are bad. And the Pens just finished their series one day before you cocktasting little dick-rollups did. Good God are you a bunch of fucking whining fake-persecution complex sealfisters.


Not that he’d ever admit and certainly no one could ever prove it.

Because it's not true. I wouldn't admit to killing Sonny Bono and you couldn't prove that, either. BECAUSE I'M NOT A FUCKING TREE.

But he very well could have considered, going Saturday, Monday...or Sunday, Tuesday...because it would have been better for the game. But the “game” has never mattered to Bettman. His little man syndrome, his bitterness and his ego are all that matters to Tiny Gary Daddy.

Are you trying to get me with the Bettman sucks angle? Because it might work. But here, he's just kowtowing to NBC and trying to get as much weekend exposure as possible. It's about money. Just like all things. And it's Bettman's fault that Niklas Lidstrom's old ass is hurt? And don' know, the Penguins have to also play on back-to-back days? We should start a debate show called "Point-Infinite Fucking Counterpoints".

Oh, I know...the television thing. I get it. But if he would have gone Versus on Tuesday, Thursday and NBC on Saturday, Sunday? What’s the significant difference? A back to back in Games 3 and 4 would still allow a bit more rest for both teams at the front end of the series.

Good! But Game 1 is guaranteed to be a big draw. It always is. Think about it...the series is going to be tied before game 1, guaranteeing that it is meaningful. They want that game on Saturday. What if the Pens or Wings get up 2-0 like last year? Sure, the Pens made a series out of it with some good games, but I'd be willing to be a metric fuckload of money that Game 1 had a better rating than Game 3 last year. Game 1 was all, "young upstart Pens go into Hockeytown to face the dynastic Wings" and game 3 was all like, "Pens try not to get absolutely fuckstomped again like they did in games one and two". One of those is a better tagline to promote an guess which one.

Why am I even bringing it up? Because the Red Wings defeated Chicago in five games and get two full days of rest. If they’d gone six they would have had what? 9 days? Too much. I agree. But the fact remains, they’re being penalized for winning too quickly, too efficiently?

The Pens beat the Canes in four and get 3 full days of rest. What in the name of the ghost of Joe Louis is the problem here? Switch Red Wings with Penguins and you can still make the same point. That's usually a pretty good indicator that your argument carries with it all the veracity of a Rock Hudson marriage.

Now. This. Should a commissioner give consideration to a team’s injury situation? Not publicly and certainly not officially. For fu**’s sake, he didn’t do it around the All Star Game, when who was hurt?

So your point is...what? Are you arguing against yourself?

Oh, that’s right. Datsyuk and Lidstrom.

I'm lost. Bettman should have canceled the All-Star game because Lidstrom was hurt (I see a theme here)?

But giving a team less days off for winning quickly, and thereby guaranteeing they won’t be as healthy to start the Finals as they would be with two more days rest?

Why don't we just start the thing in 2012? Lidstrom will be 41 but fully healed from his injuries and Chelios might have since died of natural causes, but it would be fair. Of course, the Pens will have had one more day to rest, so this might not work out either. Either way, BETTMAN WANTS TO RAPE ALL OF THE BABIES IN DETROIT.

Bettman despises the Wings. He hates what Holland did to sign Franzen and Zetterberg. Long term deals to circumvent his pet CBA. He despises the fact that the Wings are so popular, make the league so much money, but dictate gates and memorabilia sales...that they are bigger than he is, almost as big as the league itself. Bettman hates that Jimmy D and Mike Ilitch resisted the lockout, that they sided with their players. You think that doesn’t have a lot to do with why Detroit is favored among all NHL players?

NO! Ok, first, Bettman loves that Detroit makes the NHL money. He LOVES it. That's what his job is...get money for the NHL. Promote the league, make it popular again. If using live camels as goalies would make the NHL more popular amongst fans, Bettman would be on a camel-shopping in Mongolia TOMORROW. Secondly, players don't like Detroit because they resisted the lockout. They like Detriot BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING AWESOME AT HOCKEY. Good hockey players want to go to Detroit because Detroit is the home of a team that is good at hockey. They win a lot of hockey games. Do you think Hossa went to Detroit because the owners did something during the lockout? Hossa doesn't even know what the word "lockout" means. He went there because he thought they had the best chance to win hockey matches.

There is no way the Final should start on Saturday, and go straight to Game 2 the next day. No one does that. It hasn’t happened in nearly fifty years. But, coincidentally, here we are. Detroit has six (potentially seven with Hossa) injuries. Lidstrom, Datsyuk, Draper, Ericsson, Lilja, Kopecky. Three of those players would be the number 1 or 2 guy at their position on any team in the NHL. That’s right. Any team. And, yes...coincidentally...there is a remarkably short turnaround, followed by a game 24 hours later.

Yes. When are all of the Red Wings going to be healthy? That's when the series should start. Bettman fucking loves the Pens, which is exactly why he didn't suspend Ovechkin for the cheapish hit he put on Sergei Gonchar in the Conference Semis. But seriously, let's get to your main point...DO YOU REALIZE HOW LONG AGO 50 YEARS WAS!

Why doesn't Bettman just play all of the games on the same day in Mario Lemieux's backyard if he loves drinking Cherokee Reds with Malkin so much?

Gary Bettman is so beholden to NBC, so deep in their pocket, that he has absolutely no ground to stand on. That’s the public answer and it’s the one league officials will probably whisper when pressed. But what they will never admit, and what drives Bettman from time to time, and what affects his decision making and has for years, is this…

You so get this. That's what the worst part is. You get this. But yet...

...the little bastard hates him some Red Wings.

You have to keep coming back to this just so you have something to get all fired up about and stroke your God damn undeserved little man complex.

I HATE THIS. I've gone on about it at length. Everybody just wants to feel disrespected and feel that the odds are stacked against them and yada yada yada. FUCK. THAT. The Penguins and Red Wings are going to get over it and play actual hockey games. They aren't going to try and out-no-respect each other. The Wings are fucking stacked, so the fans have to go to great lengths to muster up enough disrespect fuel to get them pumped up for the Finals. And that is just stupid and dare I say, gay. If that idea had a penis it would touch other penises with it. That idea frots.

It’s not a conspiracy. It’s just a little man who’s held an important job for too long.

It's almost like he got it 50 YEARS AGO! OMFG!!!!!!!

Fuck off, Red Wings. Fuck you, fuck your city, fuck your fans, fuck your kid's friends, fuck your cars, fuck everything about you that can be fucked. There. Is that enough disrespect for you?

I can't wait until Hossa lays on the ice like a broad AGAIN after this series.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Disrespecting the Red Wings

Detroit, currently fighting a rampant epidemic that has covered the area in AIDS. Even the lakes have AIDS. The situation appears far from being under control as a virulent strain of Canadian AIDS has appeared in recent months.

By now, if you read these, you know my feelings on disrespect. Notably the belief that fans and writers and even opposing players and ANYONE can disrespect a team without said team getting some gay intangible performance boost from the fuel of this disrespect. So, with that having been typed, I am going to douse the Red Wings in a golden shower of unabashed disrespect.

YOU! Coach Mike Babcock! Stop looking at me like I'm a 10-year-old Thai boy, you cocktaster. I don't know what kind of atmosphere you promote over there in AIDStown to get players to take lesser contracts in order to join or stay, but I can only assume it involves more reacharounds than wraparounds. And probably a good bit of glory holes as well. I hope Hossa's balls taste Czech enough for you, Pube Waddell.

And of course you, Benedict Hossa. Taking the slight discount and one-year contract to play for the Wings because they had the best chance to win the Cup, you said. Well all it has gotten you now is the best chance to get AIDS. Remember the playoffs last year when you had like, 2 good games? You Slovak cockhoarder. Here's to you laying on the ice and crying for the second time. You are like the NHL's Nancy Kerrigan!

Valtteri Filppula, pushing a grocery cart full of strawberry douche and doing what he does best...looking gay enough to pounce on the nearest cock, which is just what all Red Wings fans would be doing if they weren't busy blowing the overrated ghost of Steve Yzerman's legacy. Valterri Filppula epitomizes the term 'd-bag'. He oozes Finnish vaginal cream. Really, this homo by himself is enough to make Henry Ford himself hate the fucking Red Wings.

Ooooohhh, Niklas Lidstrom. Ohhh, I'm so old. OMG, I'm Swedish but can speak good English. I'm so good at hockey. Oh my God, my jersey C has a cock in it. YEAH WELL FUCK YOU LIDSTROM. You can't even spell your first name right. Niklas? Who do you think you are, Valtteri Filppula? At least he comes from a land of magical pube castles and jizz luges...what the hell is your excuse? You are such a Red Wing. Carrying Yzerman's legacy forward. Who think that's going to keep me from disrespecting you? I don't care how likable you may be, you can like some Malkin balls right on your eyes, you dripping triple-layer vagina cake. Fuck you and the little Swedish town you came from (which turns out to be a small village by the name of Västerås which has a population of 107,500 like-minded Swedish assbreathers).

And there are so many more, be it Kronwall or Chelios (holy f, he's 47) or Osgood or Franzen or Datsyuk or whoever. I wouldn't even consider Conklin a traitor because he didn't really have much choice but fuck him, too. Why? BECAUSE FUCK THE RED WINGS, that's why. Fuck all of them. I hate these commie looking taintslammers. The Penguins are going to beat the fuck out of these homos and they can write it on their bulletin board. "Random blogger disrespects the fuck out of the Red Wings". Great. Put it up. Fuck all of you. And I certainly have enough disrespect to go around that I could accomplish that. Homos.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Mike Vick

So, Vick's back on the streets now (well, at least on house arrest and out of prison), and all I hear are cries of "omg he's so lucky he's in sports, if I did that I wouldn't be able to go back to my job, ohhhhh woe is fucking me", etc.

And you know what? Every time I hear it, it makes me want to build my own personal dog rapestand.

Vick IS NOT going back to his employer. He's not going back to the Falcons. The Falcons are his is just his profession. For example, let's say you are accountant. But not just a normal don't remind me that "if Jaguars OT Tony Pashos was in jail for two years on dog fighting charges, he wouldn't be accepted back into football!". Of course not...he's decent, but nothing special in the NFL. Just like you are at your accounting job. Sure, you do ok with the payroll, but anybody off the street with an accounting degree and lack of interstate gambling charges on their record can do the same.

But say you were the most electrifying accountant in the game. You debited and credited like nobody's fucking business. People actually paid to watch you fill in a general ledger. And then you start your dog-fighting ring, and your company gets rid of you.

After you've served your time, can you expect the company to get rid of you? Possibly.

But what's to stop you from going to a new accounting firm and getting a job? If anything, the fame and structure of professional sports HURTS doesn't help him. If you are a janitor and get a DUI and get fired from your job, you can go janitor it up somewhere else with no fanfare. Vick can't do that. You think that a janitor who gets fired in Atlanta is going to face a public relations backlash if he applies for a job in Minnesota? Absolutely not, bitches.

So shut the f up with that argument.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

My roof is made out of metal

Yes, that’s right…my car’s roof is made out of metal. Of some sort. Whatever cars are made out of. So I guess my roof is made out of car. AND THAT SUCKS.

See, last year I had this sweet deal on a convertible and, while the typical Florida weather hovers around hot as balls with spot torrential rainstorms, I still pretty much de-roofed it every day. And yeah, I’d blast the gangster stuff, because that’s just who I am. Young Jeezy can get a sweet ass deal on coke, or so he says, and I can identify with that. I used to cop bricks by the kilo as well…you know, back when I was trying to find ways to improve my knowledge of the metric system. Mad grams up in this hizzy, yo. But it wouldn’t even matter what it was…I was a superstar in that whip. I could drive by just blasting Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” and people would look over all like, “oh snap look at that gangsta mothafuckkkaaaaaa!!!” and I’d just be rocking out like “HEARTACHE TO HEARTACHE WE STAND, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!”…oh, those were the days.

But now, now that I have a regular whip, things just aren’t as cool anymore. This car actually probably has better speaks than the old whip, as the dude that used to own it must have shared a similar affinity for pumping the ol’ bass. But…I have child-safety windows in the back. I realized that today when I was playing my current jam (Rich Boy - Drop – get used to it, you will probably be sick of it by fall), that, you know, this just isn’t gangster. MY WINDOWS DON’T EVEN GO ALL THE WAY DOWN! That is NOT gangster. That is the opposite of gangster…that is accounting. I’m rollin’down 441 with my speaks going nuts, “drop….drop….” and motherfurnaces are all staring like, “look at this accountant…that accountant ain’t gangster”. And I have to look out the window and yell that “I AM NOT A FUCKING ACCOUNTANT!”. Gay.

So, fuck you, Audi. You know damn well that car wasn’t worth $28,000, and I hope you never sell it. I also hope it gets AIDS. Good luck selling a car with AIDS, cocksicles.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Vern's chick mag

I was discussing some chickmag related issues with a friend recently, as she looked to me (as you all should) for the proper reaction from the male-perspective to some of the asinine claims made by this magazine, such as, "omg, if you have too many pillows on your bed, a man will be scared away!!1". No. Fuck that. I'm more concerned about the pillows on your chest than the pillows on your bed, unless of course you are using those pillows to store heroin or something.

So, I decided to write my own magazine for women that explains how to pursue men and gives tips and tricks and subtle nuances and whatthefuckever else that would go in one of these gay mags. And so I'm going to print an excerpt from the first issue here.


So, you want to have sexual intercourse with that dude in the corner because you are a dirty little tramp but first, you have to get his attention, right? And you can't come off as a whore because then he won't respect you enough to actually defile you. So you talk to your friends and they ask you to go up to him and see what he likes to start talking about that, right?

Well, the first thing to realize here is that your friends are probably uninteresting as fuck and blowing the first person that leaves the bathroom door unlocked when they are pissing in your sink. I don't want to talk to you right away to get to know you...I don't even care what your name is. We can do that later. I really just want to send my penis as an ambassador to talk to your vagina, and I'd like to get that taken care of in relatively short order. I don't have all fucking night and there are certainly drunker, more willing people than you in stop wasting my God damn time.

If you really want to let me know that you are interested, come up and touch my balls. Just touch them. I'm not going to stop you. It's going to quickly convey the image of someone who wants to place their mouth all over my penis, and, you know what? That's hot. Oh, talk about sports, omg, NO. That's not fucking hot. Act shy, NO. That's not hot, either. Hot is you touching my penis with your mouth. That look is fucking IN this year. So let's work towards that.

OMG, he's not going to want a woman without a fucking job! Act like a God damned professional, woman!

Again, no. I don't care. I'm just trying to ejaculate tonight, and I can't pull out and shoot it all over your aspirations. Maybe those magazines are right and I'm not going to want to marry someone who doesn't have their life together. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING MARRY YOU TONIGHT, CHICK. Do you think my penis cares that you have a job interview next week? No. The only job interview it wants to put you through is preceded by the word "blow". And if I don't think you are the type of person I want to date, no amount of special tricks and suggestions are going to change my mind. Now, if you can suck the DNA out of a strand of hair, maybe we can talk.

OMG! I have too many pillows on my bed! This magazine is brought to you by the acronym OMG!

WHAT? This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. And this was actually printed, in words, in English, in a God damned dating/fucking/chick gossip/whatever magazine. The absolute LAST thing I'm doing if I'm in some chick's room is counting her damn pillows. What do extra pillows signify? Who the fuck knows? What is this, an Edgar Allen Poe poem in 11th grade English class? THE CLOSED DOOR ON PAGE 47 SIGNIFIES DEATH!!! WT-fucking-F. The important thing here is that if you touch my penis, I'm going to like you at least until you stop touching it. And really, that's all you can guarantee. Will I think you are a whore? Who cares? Does it matter? If so, I fucking LOVE whores. I want to meet nothing but the whoriest whores that have ever whored and I want to do nothing but have them whore all over me. The only thing to worry about if you have frilly pillows is their washability, because I'm probably going to skeet skeet skeet all over them. Birth control + pulling out is probably 99.9999999% has to be. I'll bet that's been calculated similarly. So move your fancy pillows if you don't want to have to dry clean them tomorrow.

Have you sluts figured this out yet? Save your money on those stupid ass magazines and just touch my penis. I, and I imagine most other men, have the following three standards for all of their one-time hookups:

- They have to have a pulse
- They have to be willing
- They have to weigh less than me

That's about it. Redeeming features are nice, you know, nice tits, cute face, whatever. But willingness supersedes that. And if you are worried that some dude won't see you as girlfriend material because you are such a fucking whore? Don't be. Fuck that. If you don't touch my penis, I'm done with you. If I do want to keep you around, I'm going to regardless of how quickly you got naked. There is one thing in common with all of my past gf-type women...they all touched my cock IMMEDIATELY. For one of them, I had to look at the start menu on her computer after she passed out JUST TO FIGURE OUT HER FUCKING NAME. A woman's proclivity to immediately touch my penis is not what I judge her dateworthiness upon. That is based more so upon her ACTUAL QUALITIES, you stupid fucking tabloid magazines.

So do the above. If you see Vern out somewhere and you want to get to know him a little better, just walk up and start stroking his wang.

As long as it doesn't stay flaccid, you've probably found something to do that night.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

James Harrison doesn't respect his own blackness

I love the internet. It allows me to read the retarded opinions of others and comment upon them when I can't come up with any original thoughts of my own. And today, that honor belongs to Calvin Watkins. I can only assume that Watkins is a black man himself, because if a white dude wrote this he'd be fired faster than you can blow past DeAngelo Hall on a post route.

Steelers linebacker James Harrison doesn't want to go to the White House on Thursday to meet the president.

Thanks. We've heard.

After the Steelers won the Super Bowl in the 2005 season, Harrison didn't meet President Bush. But this time, with Harrison again saying he'd rather stay home, he's upset a few people.

Because last time, he was on the kickoff team. This time, he's the NFL Defensive Player of the Year and he compounded things by defending his decision with a ridiculously asinine comment. It's kind of like how bouncing a check for me wasn't a big deal when I was using it to pay the cable bill, but then everybody was pissed when I did the same for child support. The nerve of you people!

Here's a main reason why Harrison should meet President Barack Obama: Obama is African-American. The historical significance of that alone should prompt Harrison to get to D.C.

What? Are you fucking serious? James Harrison should go to the White House just because Obama is half-black? That's absolutely fucking asinine. Is it so that he can witness it and actually believe it? He's seen Obama looking quite black on TV. And he's in the NFL. He hangs out with a lot of black people. He's seen blackness. With the team showers, he's probably seen more black cock than an ambitious secretary at BET.

Harrison, who is African-American, is getting ripped for
this statement to a Pittsburgh television station last week: "This is how I feel, if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, he would've invited Arizona if they had won."

It would be more accurate if you rephrased it to say "Harrison, who is borderline-retarded, is getting ripped for this statement last week". Why does his blackness matter here? "Magic Johnson, who is black, has AIDS". "My computer, which is black, keeps freezing at the start-up menu". "Michael Vick, who is black, physically raped some dogs". The blackness is about as important to that sentence as the actual lyrical content is to a Soulja Boy song.

Tuesday we were told by Harrison's agent, Bill Parise, that his client is proud that America has an African-American president.

As opposed to saying "my client hates America because it elects black people".

But he's still not going to see him.

Because he doesn't have enough respect for blackness. Shame on you, James!

It's Harrison's right not to attend the White House ceremony honoring the Steelers. But what makes several people of color concerned is that Harrison doesn't want to see the country's first African-American president.

It's not James Harrison's fault that those people of color are also morons. Does Aaron Smith not have to go to this one? Should we expect Heath Miller to stay at home as well? I mean, they both met a white president when the Steelers won Super Bowl XL, right?

We talk all the time about our athletes not making statements when it comes to political issues. Harrison wouldn't be making one here by going -- if he chose to go, it's something he would remember the rest of his life. But not attending raises questions about whether or not Harrison understands how important it is.

NO! It's his call if he wants to go and take a bunch of pictures at the White House with Obama. Have you ever seen one of these gatherings? THEY ARE NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT!

It's history.

No, the election was history. This is a football team going to meet the historical president at his crib. Let me rate the two on a scale from "not history" to "history":

Electing a black president: HISTORY

The Super Bowl champs visiting said president in May: NOT FUCKING HISTORY

Last November, after Obama was elected, several Cowboys players asked reporters who they voted for. African-American players, Chris Canty and Jay Ratliff, expressed how proud they were in seeing a person of color elected president.

Hear that, James? You are letting Jay Ratliff's entire family down. You could see the pride in Chris Canty's face. It was magical. If pride could make you erect, he would have been.

It was important to them. Harrison said its important to him too, but you can't tell by him skipping the event.

No. Let me explain this again...James Harrison believes that the US electing a half-black president is important. James Harrison does NOT believe that a football team visiting said president is important. Why is this so hard to believe?

There's a report out of Pittsburgh that cites Harrison's fear of flying as his reasoning for not going to Washington on Thursday. If that's the case, he should be embarrassed.

At least he didn't write this gay article.

If he really cared, he could drive to D.C. Get someone to drive him. Carpool with some players. Make it a fun trip.

Yeah, James, inconvenience some of your teammates. It's all in the cocktastically delicious name of history.

Harrison should stand in the Rose Garden with his teammates and savor this special moment. Harrison's agent said it's got nothing to do with President Obama's policies -- Harrison wants to stay home.

Maybe he already savored it enough WHEN HE WON THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL. Stop making me use caps.

That's fine. But one day, Harrison will regret it.

James Harrison will forget about this in no more than 20 minutes. You on the other hand, Calvin Watkins, are a lost cause. This is the kind of stuff that sets race relations back.

God, what a fucking moron.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


...Brian, explain how big the goaltending has been in this series.

Keith, it all comes down to one save by Fleury. It really set the tone for the whole game for him. Take a look:

In pre-game?

Absolutely, Keith. You can tell that all of the saves he made in pregame really gave him the confidence he needed when the puck dropped. You can't say the same for Cam Ward...

Wait, Cam Ward was signing autographs before the game instead of warming up? Isn't that video from 3 years ago?

Keith, maybe it is, but you just don't see the same determination and fire.

Uhhh...alright...what about the scorers in the series?

Well, we all knew coming in off the heels of the Pens-Caps series that Sidney Crosby was playing like you expect a superstar to play in the games that really matter.

And what games would those be, Brian?

...uh, that would be the playoffs, Pierre.

Oh, cool!

Anyway, while the stars for the Penguins were the unheralded guys like Miroslav Satan and Phillippe Boucher, Sidney Crosby played very well for the Pens including this excellent dish to Guerin that was robbed by a great glove save from Ward.

You have a feeling you'll be hearing from Sidney Crosby this series. You pretty much know you can count on him. The X-factor in most people's minds is going to be the play of Evgeni Malkin, who stepped it up late in the Capitals series and, as you saw, continued that momentum here tonight with an incredible backhand goal off a feed from Tyler Kennedy. This goal put the Hurricanes in a deep hole from which they couldn't recover. Consistent play like this from Malkin will make things much easier for the Penguins. As for Eric Staal, he played pretty well tonight in his own right, putting pucks on net and setting things up for his teammates to finish. But, you just know he's going to have a hard time sleeping tonight after blowing that late chance to tie. You aren't going to beat the Penguins if you keep missing chances like that.

Thanks, Brian. Man, I'll tell you what, if all of the games in this series are like this one, I'm going to run clean out of jizz!

Absolutely, Keith. I think I jizzed in my pants three times during this game!

We'll see you all on Thursday right here on Versus, the network where hockey teams play hockey games versus other hockey teams. If it's anything like tonight, you won't want to miss it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Disrespecting the Hurricanes

Of course I had to go with the gay blingy logo from "", a place where you know you are going to see some pure, unabashed gayness.

Perfect for the revival of one of the few recurring themes here on You Lay On The Ice...the segment whereby I disrespect a fresh opponent of a Pittsburgh-based sporting team. In this case, the Carolina Hurricanes, who are set to play the Penguins in a best-of-7 series to find out which Staal will get mentioned as the other Staal's brother most frequently. My guess is Marc.

Ok, the Hurricanes...try not to make this too easy. You really are already digging yourselves a hole with your gay ass name...the fucking Carolina Hurricanes? How many hurricanes do you get in Carolina? And which Carolina? I had to Wikipedia your gay ass team just to find out where it plays. And guess what the answer is? Charleston, SC? No. Charlotte, NC? No. Fucking Raleigh. YOU PLAY HOCKEY IN RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA, you sperm-filled-tortilla-eating cocktorquers. Do hurricanes even hit Raleigh? I mean, I guess there's a chance...let's see. From Wiki:

"Raleigh experienced significant damage from Hurricane Hazel in 1954."

"Also in 1996, Hurricane Fran struck the area, causing massive flooding and extensive structural damage."

Wow, two of them! They caused flooding! Extensive structural damage! Miami scoffs at you, Carolina Hurricanes. New Orleans is laughing AT you. Galveston thinks you are a bunch of emo douchebags. Why don't you go play in a league with the Salt Lake City Raging Sexparties and the Vatican City Somnambulant Meth Addicts? Seems more fitting. Raleigh, you better watch your ass in 2038! A CATEGORY ONE HURRICANE NAMED AFTER AN 86-YEAR OLD WOMAN IS GOING TO BE COMING STRAIGHT FOR YOU!!!!!!!

Well, until they change their name to something fitting like the Carolina Backwoods Paint-Huffers, I'll have to focus on the individual players.

Hey, Cam Ward, you leap-year born cocksmoker! Remember, though, just because you are only about 6-years old when counting leap years does not mean you can touch 6-year-old boys, so get rid of the pedophile beard. Or keep it and keep looking like a walking embodiement of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome; your choice. Either way you can feel free sit on that trophy that you are holding.

Regardless, let's hope that another fluky goal by your team steals a victory for you and makes people think that you are actually good.

Hey, Erik Cole, nice Stanley Cup! I bet your Amish wife tries to fuck it when you aren't around, likely out at a local gay establishment and holding the same "fuck me in my acid-washed jeans" pose that you are displaying here. You look more brokeback than broke neck, regardless of what Brooks Orpik has to say about it.

Speaking of your broke neck, I know you want to be a badass and say you don't want to hear Brooks Orpik's apology and you'd rather wait until you play against him and tell him that he better watch out because you are seriously going to slap him so hard, aren't. Look at you! You already had one terrible fight with Orpik and got de-shirted like a bitch. Nobody wants to hear about your broken neck anymore. The only reason it is even still a storyline is because your team plays in Raleigh, NC. Hits like the one that put you into the boards happen all the time, so please, take your tampon out immediately or you are going to end up with TSS.

And finally, you, Eric Staal. You just have to be related to a current Penguins player so we have to hear your gay ass name and read nothing but "OMG Staal brothers drinking game!!!!" posts all over the internet about how everyone should chug a Zima when the announcers mention how you cockslapped your brother Jordan back in Thunder Bay in 1994. Well, you know what, Eric Staal? I'm going to drink my Zima at my own fucking pace, that's what. I don't care how many times you and Jordan are mentioned or someone talks about your brother Marc and how his parents spelled his name like they intended for him to experiment with penises or any of this. Zdeno Chara make you a non-factor in the previous series against Boston and I'm sure Gonchar, Orpik, et. al. will have no problem replicating this feat. And you know what? If I have to chug my Zima for that to happen, then I'm fucking doing it right now. Delicious. That was a few degrees from ordinary.

So fuck you, Carolina Hurricanes. Your fluke Stanley Cup from outlasting a garbage Oilers squad in 2006 is in the past. Marty Brodeur is not the opposing goalie in this series. This one isn't going 7 games. And once the Pens win, it will prove once again that bulletin-board material and perceived disrespect and all of that jazz means absolutely nothing.

As far as I'm concerned, the Steelers would not be visiting me if I were not the President of the United States

It has been brought to my attention that the Pittsburgh Steelers plan on visiting me at the White House as an emphatic cap to a wonderful season that saw them win the Super Bowl on the backs of a solid young offense and a historically great defense. The team overcame the concerns of all of the so-called "experts" to win in spite of what was referred to as "a line so pitiful that Michael Irvin wouldn't even snort it" and a running game that couldn't gain an inch if it took Viagra. The team was very exciting to watch; trust me, although I love my Bears, if I had to name a second-favorite team it would certainly be the Pittsburgh Steelers. I loved watching them play....the way they attack on defense, the efficient passing of Ben Roethlisberger, the workman-like qualities of stalwart receiver Hines Ward, et cetera. And so you'd think that I would be honored to invite them to the White House to recognize and toast their accomplishments this past season.

But fuck that.

Where the fuck were the Steelers at when I was just a lowly US senator from Illinois? Or when I was a fucking law clerk after graduating from school? Huh? What, the Steelers weren't around in the 1980's? You pricks certainly could have came to visit me then...I had plenty of time in my schedule. Where were you dickbags? I forget a few things from that time period, you know, mainly due to all the coke and whatnot, but I'm almost 100% sure I would have remembered a visit from the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Or even the non-champion Pittsburgh Steelers. You don't think Mark Malone could have worked in a visit between interceptions? Or, who knows, maybe Barry Foster could have come and seen me after a backbreaking fumble or something? Tim McKyer probably could have blown right past my gate security like it was, oh, I don't know, Tim McKyer. But did any of these vagbaskets come to visit me then? Fuck and No.

So fuck that, man. If John McCain would have won the election, do you think that Steelers would be coming to visit him? As far as I'm concerned, yes...yes they would. I'd just be sitting here writing more memoirs about postcards from my fucking cousin or some shit like that. So fuck you, Pittsburgh Steelers. If you really wanted to come and hang out with me, you would have done it before I became the president of the motherfucking United States.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Peace out, bitch

Ovechkin, you Russian diver. Wait, my bad, only Crosby dives....then Alexis must just be a toothless vagina (lucky, we wouldn't want any cases of Ovechkin dentata when Hal Gill was busy having pokecheck sex with him throughout game 7). Sure, Ovechkin's sweet at hockey and no one can argue that, but it can easily be argued that he's a huge fan of the male genitalia and would floss with pubes if he was capable of actually flossing. Peace out, bitch.

God, I hate the Capitals. They were so pumped up after that regular season victory over the Pens in February, hate to see it come crashing down like this. Actually, like to see it. Hopefully Varlamov starts next year where he left off (a human) as opposed to some sort of puck-eating cyborg created by Russian or Ukrainian or wherever-the-fuck-he's-fromian scientists. And maybe Fleury can learn from this and CHAIN HIMSELF TO THE MOTHERF-ING GOAL. That's two blatant f-ups that created Capitals goals in this series and luckily, only one of them actually mattered. And it was overcome. Still, made Game 3 much harder to win than it needed to be. In the end, it wasn't enough to overcome the powerful intergalactic forces that were leading to the Caps once again exhibiting their penchant for blowing early-series leads to the Penguins. I hate when the Pens lose to the Caps almost as much as I hate it when the Steelers lose to the Ravens. Luckily, I don't have to commit seppuku with scissors today at work.

Hurricanes at Boston tonight to see who is up next for the Penguins buzzsaw and I'm telling you what, I'm pumped out of my mind to disrespect an entire team on here tomorrow morning. Be it journeyman goalie Tim Thomas or Brother McStaal for Carolina, there is going to be some serious disrespect on here.