Friday, May 29, 2009

Ohmygod the NHL wants the Pens to win

Here's a little opinion piece from a site called "Kukla's Korner", or Abel 2 Yzerman, or whatever the hell it's called. Regardless, the article is a great way to give your eyes HIV.

It doesn’t have to be a sinister thing. There is no Deep Throat, no Jeff Gillooly, no Shoeless Joe giving in to a little fiscal temptation.

Yeah. This isn't Scott Peterson taking Lacy fishing, or brutally murdering Jon Benet Ramsey, or Rwandan genocide or anything like that.

It just boils down to this and it’s real simple: Gary Bettman does not like the Detroit Red Wing organ-I-zation and he would like Sidney Crosby to hoist the Cup.

Ok. Let's see what your evidence is.

It’s not a conspiracy, it’s just a deep burning hatred that Bettman feels for Mike Ilitch, Jimmy Devellano and Ken Holland.

Gary Bettman would piss on your Domino's pizza if he could.

And it might have something to do with the fact that he tried to adopt Crosby, dress him in footies and share Yoohoos with him most afternoons after Pens practices.

Oh my God. Your humor is about as cutting edge as the Bangladesh health care system.

That’s not true, as far as I know. I made that up.

You are kidding. You had me there! You are like the Jackie Robinson of embarrassingly bad humor.

But Bettman’s infatuation with Crosby’s success is not fiction. He vaulted him to the forefront from the beginning as the face of the NHL. He’s kept him there despite the painfully obvious fact that Crosby has the personality of a gnat and the petulance of a napless five year old.

You hear that Crosby? You need to take a fucking nap. What the fuck was the reeling NHL doing looking for superstars to promote? And what the hell is the league doing keeping the 2008 scoring champ at the forefront of their marketing machine? They should just put LeBron James in commercials.

Is Gary Bettman starting the Finals this Saturday, then continuing on Sunday for the first back-to-back since the ‘50s as an intentional means of stifling the Wings?

You have got to be kidding me. Seriously, you have got to be strapping me to a gurney and piss-waterboarding my face. Are you fucking joking? Yes, Bettman is a colossal fuckup of Manny Ramirez bitchtits-sized proportions but if you think that Bettmaster is scheduling the finals this way to intentionally spite the Red Wings then you are seriously borderline retarded. Paris Hilton has shaved off pubes smarter than this thought. He's doing it because more people watch TV on the weekends and he wants to start the series on a weekend because it will make MORE FUCKING MONEY FOR THE NHL. And layoffs are bad. And the Pens just finished their series one day before you cocktasting little dick-rollups did. Good God are you a bunch of fucking whining fake-persecution complex sealfisters.


Not that he’d ever admit and certainly no one could ever prove it.

Because it's not true. I wouldn't admit to killing Sonny Bono and you couldn't prove that, either. BECAUSE I'M NOT A FUCKING TREE.

But he very well could have considered, going Saturday, Monday...or Sunday, Tuesday...because it would have been better for the game. But the “game” has never mattered to Bettman. His little man syndrome, his bitterness and his ego are all that matters to Tiny Gary Daddy.

Are you trying to get me with the Bettman sucks angle? Because it might work. But here, he's just kowtowing to NBC and trying to get as much weekend exposure as possible. It's about money. Just like all things. And it's Bettman's fault that Niklas Lidstrom's old ass is hurt? And don' know, the Penguins have to also play on back-to-back days? We should start a debate show called "Point-Infinite Fucking Counterpoints".

Oh, I know...the television thing. I get it. But if he would have gone Versus on Tuesday, Thursday and NBC on Saturday, Sunday? What’s the significant difference? A back to back in Games 3 and 4 would still allow a bit more rest for both teams at the front end of the series.

Good! But Game 1 is guaranteed to be a big draw. It always is. Think about it...the series is going to be tied before game 1, guaranteeing that it is meaningful. They want that game on Saturday. What if the Pens or Wings get up 2-0 like last year? Sure, the Pens made a series out of it with some good games, but I'd be willing to be a metric fuckload of money that Game 1 had a better rating than Game 3 last year. Game 1 was all, "young upstart Pens go into Hockeytown to face the dynastic Wings" and game 3 was all like, "Pens try not to get absolutely fuckstomped again like they did in games one and two". One of those is a better tagline to promote an guess which one.

Why am I even bringing it up? Because the Red Wings defeated Chicago in five games and get two full days of rest. If they’d gone six they would have had what? 9 days? Too much. I agree. But the fact remains, they’re being penalized for winning too quickly, too efficiently?

The Pens beat the Canes in four and get 3 full days of rest. What in the name of the ghost of Joe Louis is the problem here? Switch Red Wings with Penguins and you can still make the same point. That's usually a pretty good indicator that your argument carries with it all the veracity of a Rock Hudson marriage.

Now. This. Should a commissioner give consideration to a team’s injury situation? Not publicly and certainly not officially. For fu**’s sake, he didn’t do it around the All Star Game, when who was hurt?

So your point is...what? Are you arguing against yourself?

Oh, that’s right. Datsyuk and Lidstrom.

I'm lost. Bettman should have canceled the All-Star game because Lidstrom was hurt (I see a theme here)?

But giving a team less days off for winning quickly, and thereby guaranteeing they won’t be as healthy to start the Finals as they would be with two more days rest?

Why don't we just start the thing in 2012? Lidstrom will be 41 but fully healed from his injuries and Chelios might have since died of natural causes, but it would be fair. Of course, the Pens will have had one more day to rest, so this might not work out either. Either way, BETTMAN WANTS TO RAPE ALL OF THE BABIES IN DETROIT.

Bettman despises the Wings. He hates what Holland did to sign Franzen and Zetterberg. Long term deals to circumvent his pet CBA. He despises the fact that the Wings are so popular, make the league so much money, but dictate gates and memorabilia sales...that they are bigger than he is, almost as big as the league itself. Bettman hates that Jimmy D and Mike Ilitch resisted the lockout, that they sided with their players. You think that doesn’t have a lot to do with why Detroit is favored among all NHL players?

NO! Ok, first, Bettman loves that Detroit makes the NHL money. He LOVES it. That's what his job is...get money for the NHL. Promote the league, make it popular again. If using live camels as goalies would make the NHL more popular amongst fans, Bettman would be on a camel-shopping in Mongolia TOMORROW. Secondly, players don't like Detroit because they resisted the lockout. They like Detriot BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING AWESOME AT HOCKEY. Good hockey players want to go to Detroit because Detroit is the home of a team that is good at hockey. They win a lot of hockey games. Do you think Hossa went to Detroit because the owners did something during the lockout? Hossa doesn't even know what the word "lockout" means. He went there because he thought they had the best chance to win hockey matches.

There is no way the Final should start on Saturday, and go straight to Game 2 the next day. No one does that. It hasn’t happened in nearly fifty years. But, coincidentally, here we are. Detroit has six (potentially seven with Hossa) injuries. Lidstrom, Datsyuk, Draper, Ericsson, Lilja, Kopecky. Three of those players would be the number 1 or 2 guy at their position on any team in the NHL. That’s right. Any team. And, yes...coincidentally...there is a remarkably short turnaround, followed by a game 24 hours later.

Yes. When are all of the Red Wings going to be healthy? That's when the series should start. Bettman fucking loves the Pens, which is exactly why he didn't suspend Ovechkin for the cheapish hit he put on Sergei Gonchar in the Conference Semis. But seriously, let's get to your main point...DO YOU REALIZE HOW LONG AGO 50 YEARS WAS!

Why doesn't Bettman just play all of the games on the same day in Mario Lemieux's backyard if he loves drinking Cherokee Reds with Malkin so much?

Gary Bettman is so beholden to NBC, so deep in their pocket, that he has absolutely no ground to stand on. That’s the public answer and it’s the one league officials will probably whisper when pressed. But what they will never admit, and what drives Bettman from time to time, and what affects his decision making and has for years, is this…

You so get this. That's what the worst part is. You get this. But yet...

...the little bastard hates him some Red Wings.

You have to keep coming back to this just so you have something to get all fired up about and stroke your God damn undeserved little man complex.

I HATE THIS. I've gone on about it at length. Everybody just wants to feel disrespected and feel that the odds are stacked against them and yada yada yada. FUCK. THAT. The Penguins and Red Wings are going to get over it and play actual hockey games. They aren't going to try and out-no-respect each other. The Wings are fucking stacked, so the fans have to go to great lengths to muster up enough disrespect fuel to get them pumped up for the Finals. And that is just stupid and dare I say, gay. If that idea had a penis it would touch other penises with it. That idea frots.

It’s not a conspiracy. It’s just a little man who’s held an important job for too long.

It's almost like he got it 50 YEARS AGO! OMFG!!!!!!!

Fuck off, Red Wings. Fuck you, fuck your city, fuck your fans, fuck your kid's friends, fuck your cars, fuck everything about you that can be fucked. There. Is that enough disrespect for you?

I can't wait until Hossa lays on the ice like a broad AGAIN after this series.


eyebleaf said...

What are you going to do if Hossa and the Red Wings win?

Vern said...

Oh God, remember when Nancy Kerrigan laid on the ice like a broad and cried? WHY MEEEEE! I'll be doing that.

Actually, I'll get over it, but it would definitely suck hard.

The ZaZ said...

Go Wings!
The Pens are fags.

Vern said...

You take that back. THE PENS ARE NOT FAGS!

Symo said...

LMFAO!!! Nicely done. Fuck you too!

Seriously though, I'm also sick of all the "Non calls! Crosby is Bettmans' favorite! Conspiracy!". Ugh. As much as I've enjoyed the 2 victories, I'm sick to fucking death of the whiners and criers. The refs aren't calling shit and the only guys who are scoring aren't on line 1 for either team.

Whatever. Good post Vern.

Vern said...

Yeah, the calls have been missed on both sides, just so happens that the ones for Detroit (Hossa's slash) let to a goal and the ones for Pit (Malkin's breakaway) didn't.

I do like that the refs are letting them settle this thing at full strength. A welcome change from the first couple of series.