Monday, May 18, 2009
Disrespecting the Hurricanes
Of course I had to go with the gay blingy logo from "butterfunk.com", a place where you know you are going to see some pure, unabashed gayness.
Perfect for the revival of one of the few recurring themes here on You Lay On The Ice...the segment whereby I disrespect a fresh opponent of a Pittsburgh-based sporting team. In this case, the Carolina Hurricanes, who are set to play the Penguins in a best-of-7 series to find out which Staal will get mentioned as the other Staal's brother most frequently. My guess is Marc.
Ok, the Hurricanes...try not to make this too easy. You really are already digging yourselves a hole with your gay ass name...the fucking Carolina Hurricanes? How many hurricanes do you get in Carolina? And which Carolina? I had to Wikipedia your gay ass team just to find out where it plays. And guess what the answer is? Charleston, SC? No. Charlotte, NC? No. Fucking Raleigh. YOU PLAY HOCKEY IN RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA, you sperm-filled-tortilla-eating cocktorquers. Do hurricanes even hit Raleigh? I mean, I guess there's a chance...let's see. From Wiki:
"Raleigh experienced significant damage from Hurricane Hazel in 1954."
"Also in 1996, Hurricane Fran struck the area, causing massive flooding and extensive structural damage."
Wow, two of them! They caused flooding! Extensive structural damage! Miami scoffs at you, Carolina Hurricanes. New Orleans is laughing AT you. Galveston thinks you are a bunch of emo douchebags. Why don't you go play in a league with the Salt Lake City Raging Sexparties and the Vatican City Somnambulant Meth Addicts? Seems more fitting. Raleigh, you better watch your ass in 2038! A CATEGORY ONE HURRICANE NAMED AFTER AN 86-YEAR OLD WOMAN IS GOING TO BE COMING STRAIGHT FOR YOU!!!!!!!
Well, until they change their name to something fitting like the Carolina Backwoods Paint-Huffers, I'll have to focus on the individual players.
Hey, Cam Ward, you leap-year born cocksmoker! Remember, though, just because you are only about 6-years old when counting leap years does not mean you can touch 6-year-old boys, so get rid of the pedophile beard. Or keep it and keep looking like a walking embodiement of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome; your choice. Either way you can feel free sit on that trophy that you are holding.
Regardless, let's hope that another fluky goal by your team steals a victory for you and makes people think that you are actually good.
Hey, Erik Cole, nice Stanley Cup! I bet your Amish wife tries to fuck it when you aren't around, likely out at a local gay establishment and holding the same "fuck me in my acid-washed jeans" pose that you are displaying here. You look more brokeback than broke neck, regardless of what Brooks Orpik has to say about it.
Speaking of your broke neck, I know you want to be a badass and say you don't want to hear Brooks Orpik's apology and you'd rather wait until you play against him and tell him that he better watch out because you are seriously going to slap him so hard, but...you aren't. Look at you! You already had one terrible fight with Orpik and got de-shirted like a bitch. Nobody wants to hear about your broken neck anymore. The only reason it is even still a storyline is because your team plays in Raleigh, NC. Hits like the one that put you into the boards happen all the time, so please, take your tampon out immediately or you are going to end up with TSS.
And finally, you, Eric Staal. You just have to be related to a current Penguins player so we have to hear your gay ass name and read nothing but "OMG Staal brothers drinking game!!!!" posts all over the internet about how everyone should chug a Zima when the announcers mention how you cockslapped your brother Jordan back in Thunder Bay in 1994. Well, you know what, Eric Staal? I'm going to drink my Zima at my own fucking pace, that's what. I don't care how many times you and Jordan are mentioned or someone talks about your brother Marc and how his parents spelled his name like they intended for him to experiment with penises or any of this. Zdeno Chara make you a non-factor in the previous series against Boston and I'm sure Gonchar, Orpik, et. al. will have no problem replicating this feat. And you know what? If I have to chug my Zima for that to happen, then I'm fucking doing it right now. Delicious. That was a few degrees from ordinary.
So fuck you, Carolina Hurricanes. Your fluke Stanley Cup from outlasting a garbage Oilers squad in 2006 is in the past. Marty Brodeur is not the opposing goalie in this series. This one isn't going 7 games. And once the Pens win, it will prove once again that bulletin-board material and perceived disrespect and all of that jazz means absolutely nothing.