Friday, May 22, 2009
Vern's chick mag
I was discussing some chickmag related issues with a friend recently, as she looked to me (as you all should) for the proper reaction from the male-perspective to some of the asinine claims made by this magazine, such as, "omg, if you have too many pillows on your bed, a man will be scared away!!1". No. Fuck that. I'm more concerned about the pillows on your chest than the pillows on your bed, unless of course you are using those pillows to store heroin or something.
So, I decided to write my own magazine for women that explains how to pursue men and gives tips and tricks and subtle nuances and whatthefuckever else that would go in one of these gay mags. And so I'm going to print an excerpt from the first issue here.
So, you want to have sexual intercourse with that dude in the corner because you are a dirty little tramp but first, you have to get his attention, right? And you can't come off as a whore because then he won't respect you enough to actually defile you. So you talk to your friends and they ask you to go up to him and see what he likes to start talking about that, right?
Well, the first thing to realize here is that your friends are probably uninteresting as fuck and blowing the first person that leaves the bathroom door unlocked when they are pissing in your sink. I don't want to talk to you right away to get to know you...I don't even care what your name is. We can do that later. I really just want to send my penis as an ambassador to talk to your vagina, and I'd like to get that taken care of in relatively short order. I don't have all fucking night and there are certainly drunker, more willing people than you in attendance...so stop wasting my God damn time.
If you really want to let me know that you are interested, come up and touch my balls. Just touch them. I'm not going to stop you. It's going to quickly convey the image of someone who wants to place their mouth all over my penis, and, you know what? That's hot. Oh, talk about sports, omg, NO. That's not fucking hot. Act shy, NO. That's not hot, either. Hot is you touching my penis with your mouth. That look is fucking IN this year. So let's work towards that.
OMG, he's not going to want a woman without a fucking job! Act like a God damned professional, woman!
Again, no. I don't care. I'm just trying to ejaculate tonight, and I can't pull out and shoot it all over your aspirations. Maybe those magazines are right and I'm not going to want to marry someone who doesn't have their life together. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING MARRY YOU TONIGHT, CHICK. Do you think my penis cares that you have a job interview next week? No. The only job interview it wants to put you through is preceded by the word "blow". And if I don't think you are the type of person I want to date, no amount of special tricks and suggestions are going to change my mind. Now, if you can suck the DNA out of a strand of hair, maybe we can talk.
OMG! I have too many pillows on my bed! This magazine is brought to you by the acronym OMG!
WHAT? This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. And this was actually printed, in words, in English, in a God damned dating/fucking/chick gossip/whatever magazine. The absolute LAST thing I'm doing if I'm in some chick's room is counting her damn pillows. What do extra pillows signify? Who the fuck knows? What is this, an Edgar Allen Poe poem in 11th grade English class? THE CLOSED DOOR ON PAGE 47 SIGNIFIES DEATH!!! WT-fucking-F. The important thing here is that if you touch my penis, I'm going to like you at least until you stop touching it. And really, that's all you can guarantee. Will I think you are a whore? Who cares? Does it matter? If so, I fucking LOVE whores. I want to meet nothing but the whoriest whores that have ever whored and I want to do nothing but have them whore all over me. The only thing to worry about if you have frilly pillows is their washability, because I'm probably going to skeet skeet skeet all over them. Birth control + pulling out is probably 99.9999999% effective...it has to be. I'll bet that's been calculated similarly. So move your fancy pillows if you don't want to have to dry clean them tomorrow.
Have you sluts figured this out yet? Save your money on those stupid ass magazines and just touch my penis. I, and I imagine most other men, have the following three standards for all of their one-time hookups:
- They have to have a pulse
- They have to be willing
- They have to weigh less than me
That's about it. Redeeming features are nice, you know, nice tits, cute face, whatever. But willingness supersedes that. And if you are worried that some dude won't see you as girlfriend material because you are such a fucking whore? Don't be. Fuck that. If you don't touch my penis, I'm done with you. If I do want to keep you around, I'm going to regardless of how quickly you got naked. There is one thing in common with all of my past gf-type women...they all touched my cock IMMEDIATELY. For one of them, I had to look at the start menu on her computer after she passed out JUST TO FIGURE OUT HER FUCKING NAME. A woman's proclivity to immediately touch my penis is not what I judge her dateworthiness upon. That is based more so upon her ACTUAL QUALITIES, you stupid fucking tabloid magazines.
So do the above. If you see Vern out somewhere and you want to get to know him a little better, just walk up and start stroking his wang.
As long as it doesn't stay flaccid, you've probably found something to do that night.