Thursday, March 27, 2008

HOLY FUCK, he's Mexican!?!

Welcome to the first installment of HOLY FUCK, he's Mexican!?!, where we will explore the lives of people who you wouldn't think are Mexican, but indeed actually are. Fuck. First up is Texas Rangers catcher Gerald Laird.

I know what you are thinking...there's no way in hell that Gerald Laird has any Mexican in him. However, you have most likely made a career out of being wrong. Gerald Laird is indeed Mexican-American. And as Jarrod Saltalamacchia has recently been demoted to lowercase a ball, Gerald finally gets his (4th or 5th) chance to shine.

Laird may suck at fielding and be slow as hell, but he can hit for decent average and some occasional power. Plus, he's Mexican. Owner of the lowest fielding percentage (.984) and range factor (6.84) amongst AL catchers, Gerald is also the owner of a lonely heart and would no doubt benefit from some of you young ladies getting out there and opening up for him.

Gerald Laird, a proud Mexican-American.

Harry S Truman

It’s that time again, brothers. Time to drop some of that historical knowledge all over your asses. Let’s welcome, with a nice hearty round of mouse-clicks, the legacy of Harry S. Truman (D)!

Truman was born on May 8, 1884 in Lamar, Missouri, which was probably named after a drug dealer. The S in Harry S. Truman was chosen to please both grandfathers of the lad, but it stood for nothing. By that, I don’t mean it stood for “Nothing”, which begins with N, but that it stood for…didn’t stand for anything. Well, of course not…ok, you get the point. His fucking middle name was S. Which is awesome. I’m naming my first-born son “S”.

As a youth, the Trumans moved to farms all over Missouri. He had many gay passions as a young boy, notably music, reading, and history. I’m assuming that reading and history kind of go together, because the programming on the History Channel was rather sparse in 1897. It gets gayer. Young Truman would wake up at 5 am every morning to practice the piano, eventually becoming skilled enough to play mainstream urban tunes such as Usher’s “In This Club”. Some rare footage can be found through this link.

Despite his ability to tell you exactly what happened in the War of 1812 and it’s effect on the Canadian economy, Truman went to work as a time-keeper on the Santa Fe railroad after graduating from high school. He slept in “hobo-camps” along the railroad, much like Mike Webster. After this, he shuffled through some clerical jobs, answering phones the local Independence, Missouri Domino’s, keeping track of pencils, and stuff like that. After his sperm-target Bess Wallace turned his marriage proposal down in 1911, Truman decided that he needed to chase the big bucks in order to give him the ability to make it rain. Thusly, in 1917, Truman entered the military and donned the traditional Hammer Pants of the United States military.

It worked, as Truman returned home from his service, asked the bitch to marry him, and she accepted. To honor the occasion, Truman received a haircut from Zab Judah.

Harry’s poor eyesight cost him the chance to go to West Point, and a debilitating case of poorness prevented him from entering college on his own accord. To get into the National Guard, he had memorized the eyechart, just like every blind person we see driving today. During WWI, in France, he swore at his retarded soldiers to get back into formation, using words he claimed to have “learned while working for the Santa Fe railroad”. Guesses at these words include “Jizz-catchers”, “cock surgeons”, and “fuck pandas”, amongst others. Exactly what the fuck this motherfucker said will forever be subject to fucking speculation. Fuck.

So, that just happened. Then, Truman returned to Missouri to marry his wife and impregnate her. But not so fast. Bess had one of the trickiest vaginas west of the Mississippi, and there were two stillborn children and several miscarriages before the Trumans were finally able to convert sperm into life. In 1924, their sole child, Margaret, was born. She ended up writing a bunch of books and dying.

At this point, Truman got balls deep in a store with a friend, and his store got fucked by the long dick of the recession of 1921. The farm economy was greatly effected by this recession, which Truman, much like Pontius Pilate before him, blamed on the Republicans. Truman compared the Republicans and the recession to “a fierce session of double penetration, with two cocks fucking you simultaneously in the fucking ass”.

Regardless of what was really happening to his ass at the time, Truman was elected as judge of Jackson County through the help of the Missouri Democratic machine. This was more like an administrative position, not a legislative position, like Judge Judy, or an ass-kicking position, like Judge Dredd. About this time, Truman gave a friend $10 for initiation into the KKK, which was a significant sum of money back then, now that I think about it. Truman, however, asked for his money back, and never went to any initiations or rallies or anything of the like. Regardless, he was known as harboring some anti-Semitic thoughts, even though his close friend with whom he had run the store was Jewish. He also referred to blacks using what PC people refer to as the “n-word”, although this later inspired rappers such as Tupac Shakur to do the same. However, later in his career, the plights and abuses he saw directed at black veterans returning from the war affected him deeply and, so, he desegregated the armed forces.

As a big swinging dick in Missouri politics, Truman’s support of the New Deal was sought after and obtained in the early 1930’s. Using the help of his machine, Truman ran for senator and easily defeated the Republican incumbent. Truman garnered some negative attitudes, and was known as “Pendergast’s Senator”, after the man who pretty much made him the king of Kansas City. Asked about this, Truman responded with one of his most famous quotes ever, snapping back “who gives a fuck about Kansas City? That place can lick my balls”. Some historians believe it to simply be a genius plot to win the ball-licking vote. Regardless, once senator, Truman spoke out vehemently against corporate greed, warning of the dangers of special moneyed interest and Wall Street types. However, Truman was largely ignored at this point.

Things took a major turn for the worst in 1939, as Pendergast was arrested and sent to Leavenworth for a little over a year after child porn was discovered on his hard drive under a folder entitled “Recipes”. However, Truman was faced by two challengers, who split the anti-Truman vote and allowed him to steal victory from the cock-sucking jaws of defeat. This is the point where Truman got down to business and stopped being a role-player. He started the Truman Committee, which revealed fraud and mismanagement in the war effort, in an attempt to curtail spending. No one knows exactly why Truman hated America, but nonetheless, the Truman Committee was a huge success, saving about $15 billion, putting Truman on the cover of Time, and thrusting him into the national spotlight. Truman celebrated by thrusting into Bess.

In 1944, the Roosevelt team had a rough decision to make. Knowing that Roosevelt’s advanced case of Lou Gehrig’s disease was likely to kill him soon, they knew that the man they picked to be the Vice President would likely end up being the next president. This kept Henry Wallace and Bill Cosby off of the ticket. A bunch of stuff happened, some people were nominated, and Roosevelt said that it was either going to be Truman or William Orenthal Douglas. Fearing people with multiple first names, the choice of Truman was made. The choice was humorously dubbed as the “Second Missouri Compromise”, to which the general response was “lol”.

Of course, Roosevelt died shortly thereafter from the ALS. Truman was not in the loop, as he had mostly been in charge of keeping track of pencils, much like he was in his early working career. The ghost of Roosevelt quickly briefed Truman on the Manhattan Project, and after a few omg’s, Truman got down to business. Two months after he was sworn in, the Allies achieved victory in Europe. Baseball commentator Joe Morgan later referred to this moment in his laudatory review of Truman, noting that “wins and losses are the only stats that matter”. SAPRmetric historians agree that Truman was a great president, citing his 6th all-time tenure-adjusted VORP (Value Over Replacement President) of 144.7. At this point, Morgan had a massive stroke and lost feeling in his left-arm. To this day, he spends most of his time giving himself “strangers”.

Regardless of how he was viewed, Truman was soon faced by one of the most difficult decisions of any person in history, in a move later touched upon by The Gap Band: Bomb the damn Japs or not? Truman asked the Japanese to surrender, informing them that the US had the bomb and was willing to use it. “O Rly”, said the Japanese emperor? “Ya Rly”, said Truman. “O Rly”, repeated the emperor, and so Truman dropped a bomb on Hiroshima. Hearing no response, Truman ordered the strike on Nagasaki two days later. The emperor had originally intended to surrender after the first strike, but did not have enough “bars” to send his message. He finally found a location with enough reception to send the surrender message of “Rly” to Truman and the US, and formed Cingular to deal with the lack of bars in all locations. Truman grimly celebrated the victory, distraught that he had killed so many of the tiny little citizens of Japan. He later went home and hate-fucked Bess to relieve himself of the stress.

Truman also did other stuff during his presidency, although he was never able to repeat his early Japanese killing prowess. A Republican majority was elected, and Jesus-pieces were made mandatory over Truman’s vetoes. While Harry worked with the Republicans on foreign policy, he fought them bitterly at home. A true Democrat, Truman fought for Democratic principles while in office, proposing his “Fair Deal” measures. In the end, Truman agreed to drop his “Recreational Abortions” plan, while the Republicans agreed that black men were indeed allowed to “breathe the white man’s air”. Really, nothing actually happened. Truman did recognize Israel during this first term, at the urging of his old Jewish friends, but that was about it. That and some stupid housing bill.

Near the end of the term, Truman ordered an airlift of supplies into the Soviet-blockaded city of West Berlin, which ended up being a rousing success. He also enacted civil rights reforms in response to atrocious actions that were being taken on black soldiers returning from the war effort. Truman refused to compromise on this issue with the Southern Democrats, apparently because he wasn’t a complete and total douchebag. Still, Truman’s approval rating was low, and he was the decided underdog to…well, to whomever would wind up being nominated. Truman decided to go on the offensive during the campaign, strongly agreeing with the sentiment of Minneapolis mayor Hubert Humpreydome that strong civil rights reforms were still needed. As the Alabama and Mississippi delegates walked out in protest, Truman did not give the slightest of fucks and continued, unfazed, with his speech. Truman attacked the current congress, promising to win the election and “make these Republicans like it”. And make them like it, he did. All of this civil service reform threatened to destroy the Democratic party, half of whom were racist as fuck, and the other half who were in awe of blackness. However, Truman continued on, displaying exactly how large his balls were. And according to Bess, he wasn’t lying.

Although it appeared that Republican Thomas Dewey would win the election, Truman still was not going to go quietly. Aboard the rear platform of the Ferdinand Magellan train car, Truman crisscrossed the nation, giving rousing speeches that were met with huge success. The mainstream media failed to notice this, and all but anointed Dewey as the next president of the United States. Truman’s stunning victory led to one of the greatest and most famous images in history.

During his second term, the nuclear project progressed to the point that in 1953, Truman announced that the US had detonated a Hydrogen Bomb, which scared the fuck out of people. He also worked in strong favor of NATO, which sent a message that communism is not going to happen, bitches. Ironically, the US government at this time was being subjected to a witch-hunt by Senator Joseph McCarthy, who apparently had nothing better to do. Truman said that we were under attack by Americans "who are loudly proclaiming that they are (“Americanism’s”) chief defenders. . . . They are trying to create fear and suspicion among us by the use of slander, unproved accusations and just plain lies. . . . They are trying to get us to believe that our Government is riddled with communism and corruption. . . . These slandermongers are trying to get us so hysterical that no one will stand up to them for fear of being called a communist. Now this is an old communist trick in reverse. . . . That is not fair play. That is not Americanism." Nope. Regardless, it didn’t work, and Truman could never quite shake the belief that communists were working in the government.

Bored by the bickering, Truman shook things up a bit and recognized Pakistan. He also got into a war effort in Korea, eventually making the ill-regarded decision to fire General Douglas McArthur. Truman’s approval ratings eventually dropped as low as 22%, the lowest all time for a current president. An assassination attempt was also made on Truman, although it was piss-poor, and instead resulted in the death of a policeman. And still even more things happened after this, as Truman was president during a really busy freaking time in history. None of it was important, so Truman dealt with all the investigations that were going on at the time and waited for ’52.

During ’52, support of Truman was such that after losing the New Hampshire primary, he decided against running for reelection. Believing that cashing in on the presidency was immoral, he refused numerous opportunities on executive boards and through endorsements. Poor as hell, he played the Ulysses Grant card and wrote his memoirs. For this, he was a paid a flat rate of $670,000, which he calculated as coming out to about $37,000 after the excessive taxes. Due to Truman’s homelessness, a pension for former presidents was set up. In 1972, at the ripe old age of 88, Truman was sniped through the chest as he went out to check his mail and rushed to the hospital, where he was to die. Over time, Truman’s image was rectified, and he was no longer looked upon as the dickbag that people thought he was in office. Most rankings put him in the top 10 historically amongst presidents. Also, his fucking middle name was S.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

OMG, a blog!

Fucking right, dickheads. I have a freaking blog now. What does that mean? Nothing. However, I would like to get this to the very top of the Google Searches, and therefore I must say tits fuck ass jizz double penetration.

That should work wonders.

If anyone reads this, I would be surprised. I don't see myself linking to it very extensively. I want somebody to be looking up "table fucking" on the internet and stumble upon it. Or maybe "gravy recipes". That way your grandma will click this when she's trying to cook up some sweet gravy. I've also been told that my balls taste like gravy. Your grandma will be able to confirm that.

Fact is, once you go black, you smoke crack, or something along those lines, so I've obliged by that rule and made the background black. That way people can read it without burning their eyes out and ending up like Helen Keller. But don't think of it as white text on a black background, think of it as something exotic, like reading jizz off of coal. Or mayonnaise off of Dikembe Mutombo's back.

A side-story to this whole blog will be an effort by me to reach out and try to work together to end my lifelong battle with words. I'm working with words here. Teaming up. Pretty much a double penetration of your eyes. Me and words. Fucking you in the eye. Also, you can take proper grammar and shove it up R. Kelly's girlfriend's vagina, if it will fit. Because there is no place for it here. It can go fuck itself, kind of like a fern plant.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some pubes to trim.