We've got a game 7 tonight

Oh snaps, that's right! Game 7, Pens v. Kotex Red Wings. Marian Hossa may lay on the ice like a broad AGAIN. Zetterberg likes young Vietnamese boys more than the law allows. Pavel Datsyuk knows exactly what happened to JonBenét Ramsey. Mike Babcock gives interviews like a heroin addict hurting for another hit. IT'S STANLEY CUP HOCKEY ON NBC!!!

Fortunately, I get to watch it in my house and go to sleep afterwards because I have a 6:30 am flight to San Diego tomorrow. Which is gay. Fucking great timing, Bettman...that Stanley Cup Finals are barely over before the MLB all-star break. I think the season starts again in 5 weeks with an exhibition in fucking Mongolia. There are balls to be licked, Gary, and they belong to every hockey fan on the planet. So get to lickin'.

So, expect more of the non-posting from Vern that you have become accustomed to through the next week as I rock the fuck out of another awesome work convention. And try not to lay on the ice like broads, Penguins.

Argument that chaps my balls: equal penalty distributions

It's been awhile since I've posted one of these, but please...don't let that cloud your beliefs into thinking that my balls have been somewhat chap-free. Because they haven't. My balls are always chapped by life's nuances, moreso at some points than at others. But there is ALWAYS some motherf-in' chap on my balls, yo.

Today's Blistex will be applied by touching on the notion that all sporting events should have equal penalty distributions. And this has nothing to do with Pens-Red Wings, although you can make a compelling argument that penalties are only being called in a way that keeps the calls evenly distributed. We heard it during the Caps-Pens series, during the Steelers-Chargers game, during NBA games in which one team shoots a pissload of free throws compared to the other, etc etc. And motherfuckers are always all "yo dog, this shizz is fixed! Look how many more penalty minutes Edmonton had! Y'all niggaz ain't know Edmonton was mad gangsta ehhhhh?", and I'm all like "S THE F UP". They aren't supposed to be even just for the sake of being even.

But why should penalties always be even or close to it just for the sake of equal distribution? An team like the Lakers, with Kobe, is going to shoot more free throws then a team like the Magic, who thrive on kicks to open shooters. If you are taking open J's, you aren't going to get fouled. Meanwhile, going to the hole effectively and drawing help from big men who come into the lane from the side and swat at the shots is going to elicit some whistles. So why the hell do free throws have to be even?

That goes for any sport. Say an NFL team has a terrible offensive line and they go up against some good pass rushers or a team like the Stillers that has a lot of disguised LB blitzes from a 3-4 defensive set...those linemen are going to get beat quite often and be forced to hold. Same went for the Steelers O-Line...with that level of combined suck and mental errors, they are going to commit quite a few holds. So if the Steelers go up against a team with a smart, cohesive offensive line, chances are that they are going to have a penalty defecit, at least as far as holding calls go. And I've never been one to hop on the James Harrison is held every play bandwagon...he kind of is, but so are a lot of leverage rushers, and you aren't going to get too many calls when the O-lineman is holding you with his arms close to his body. Whatevs, that's beside the point. Unless a lot of those calls are going uncalled to keep penalty distribution even...in which case it is the entire point. So what I'm saying is it's either the point or not the point. This is why I don't write for legitimate sporting outfits. FUCK YOU, ESTABLISHED MEDIA! They can be completely wrong but make sense while doing so. FOR SHAME!

Anyway, hockey seems to be the worst. Probably because penalty calls have more effect in hockey than in any other major sport. In the NBA you get a one-point shot. In the NFL, you lose some yards. Baseball doesn't have them. I guess you get tossed but get a replacement. Or a balk. You give up a base. Soccer has penalties that can be killers but only if you get a red card. Anything else doesn't really matter. But in hockey, every single penalty leaves you shorthanded. That's a pretty big deal. So, people are always spouting off about the discrepancies in penalty calls. Which is fine, if you cite actual instances to back up your reasoning. But just looking at the penalty minutes served by each team does not make any point by itself. It's just lazy. What if the Milwaukee Beer-Chugging Rapists are facing off against the Rochester Hasidic Jews? Would you not expect slightly more righteous play from one of these teams over the other? The Beer-Chugging Rapists probably deserve all the penalties they rack up when they hit the Jews away from the puck and grab their jerseys and slash them with their sticks and everything along those lines, while you just know that the game of the Hasidic Jews has strong foundations in solid passing and stickhandling. So don't start to tell me that the NHL is fixed just because the Beer-Chugging Rapists got 4 more penalties called on them than the Hasidic Jews. Get that weak stuff out of here.

So if penalties are to be distributed evenly, the following must hold:


- The fuck are people thinking buying two million copies of Lil' Wayne's latest mailed-in rapping effort? Not a single person has purchased a Gunpowder Jones CD. This must be rectified.

- So Kim Kardashian is blowing Reggie Bush...well, I call next. TO RECEIVE, SICKOS.

- On a related note, if I give you one pearl necklace, I will be required to do the same to all of your friends. Pearl necklaces! It will be like you all went to Jared's! Or, well, I did. Whatever.

- I want some of Rik Smit's last contract. SPREAD THE WEALTH, RIK!

- Pac-Man Jones has a lot of making it rain to do.


That's all I've got. CURSE YOU, TYPICAL ARGUMENTS!!!

Ohmygod the NHL wants the Pens to win

Here's a little opinion piece from a site called "Kukla's Korner", or Abel 2 Yzerman, or whatever the hell it's called. Regardless, the article is a great way to give your eyes HIV.



It doesn’t have to be a sinister thing. There is no Deep Throat, no Jeff Gillooly, no Shoeless Joe giving in to a little fiscal temptation.

Yeah. This isn't Scott Peterson taking Lacy fishing, or brutally murdering Jon Benet Ramsey, or Rwandan genocide or anything like that.




It just boils down to this and it’s real simple: Gary Bettman does not like the Detroit Red Wing organ-I-zation and he would like Sidney Crosby to hoist the Cup.

Ok. Let's see what your evidence is.





It’s not a conspiracy, it’s just a deep burning hatred that Bettman feels for Mike Ilitch, Jimmy Devellano and Ken Holland.

Gary Bettman would piss on your Domino's pizza if he could.




And it might have something to do with the fact that he tried to adopt Crosby, dress him in footies and share Yoohoos with him most afternoons after Pens practices.

Oh my God. Your humor is about as cutting edge as the Bangladesh health care system.




That’s not true, as far as I know. I made that up.

You are kidding. You had me there! You are like the Jackie Robinson of embarrassingly bad humor.




But Bettman’s infatuation with Crosby’s success is not fiction. He vaulted him to the forefront from the beginning as the face of the NHL. He’s kept him there despite the painfully obvious fact that Crosby has the personality of a gnat and the petulance of a napless five year old.

You hear that Crosby? You need to take a fucking nap. What the fuck was the reeling NHL doing looking for superstars to promote? And what the hell is the league doing keeping the 2008 scoring champ at the forefront of their marketing machine? They should just put LeBron James in commercials.





Is Gary Bettman starting the Finals this Saturday, then continuing on Sunday for the first back-to-back since the ‘50s as an intentional means of stifling the Wings?

You have got to be kidding me. Seriously, you have got to be strapping me to a gurney and piss-waterboarding my face. Are you fucking joking? Yes, Bettman is a colossal fuckup of Manny Ramirez bitchtits-sized proportions but if you think that Bettmaster is scheduling the finals this way to intentionally spite the Red Wings then you are seriously borderline retarded. Paris Hilton has shaved off pubes smarter than this thought. He's doing it because more people watch TV on the weekends and he wants to start the series on a weekend because it will make MORE FUCKING MONEY FOR THE NHL. And layoffs are bad. And the Pens just finished their series one day before you cocktasting little dick-rollups did. Good God are you a bunch of fucking whining fake-persecution complex sealfisters.

But hey, the '50s! THAT WAS A LONG FUCKING TIME AGO! POINT!





Not that he’d ever admit and certainly no one could ever prove it.

Because it's not true. I wouldn't admit to killing Sonny Bono and you couldn't prove that, either. BECAUSE I'M NOT A FUCKING TREE.




But he very well could have considered, going Saturday, Monday...or Sunday, Tuesday...because it would have been better for the game. But the “game” has never mattered to Bettman. His little man syndrome, his bitterness and his ego are all that matters to Tiny Gary Daddy.

Are you trying to get me with the Bettman sucks angle? Because it might work. But here, he's just kowtowing to NBC and trying to get as much weekend exposure as possible. It's about money. Just like all things. And it's Bettman's fault that Niklas Lidstrom's old ass is hurt? And don't...you know, the Penguins have to also play on back-to-back days? We should start a debate show called "Point-Infinite Fucking Counterpoints".




Oh, I know...the television thing. I get it. But if he would have gone Versus on Tuesday, Thursday and NBC on Saturday, Sunday? What’s the significant difference? A back to back in Games 3 and 4 would still allow a bit more rest for both teams at the front end of the series.

Good! But Game 1 is guaranteed to be a big draw. It always is. Think about it...the series is going to be tied before game 1, guaranteeing that it is meaningful. They want that game on Saturday. What if the Pens or Wings get up 2-0 like last year? Sure, the Pens made a series out of it with some good games, but I'd be willing to be a metric fuckload of money that Game 1 had a better rating than Game 3 last year. Game 1 was all, "young upstart Pens go into Hockeytown to face the dynastic Wings" and game 3 was all like, "Pens try not to get absolutely fuckstomped again like they did in games one and two". One of those is a better tagline to promote an event...you guess which one.





Why am I even bringing it up? Because the Red Wings defeated Chicago in five games and get two full days of rest. If they’d gone six they would have had what? 9 days? Too much. I agree. But the fact remains, they’re being penalized for winning too quickly, too efficiently?

The Pens beat the Canes in four and get 3 full days of rest. What in the name of the ghost of Joe Louis is the problem here? Switch Red Wings with Penguins and you can still make the same point. That's usually a pretty good indicator that your argument carries with it all the veracity of a Rock Hudson marriage.





Now. This. Should a commissioner give consideration to a team’s injury situation? Not publicly and certainly not officially. For fu**’s sake, he didn’t do it around the All Star Game, when who was hurt?

So your point is...what? Are you arguing against yourself?





Oh, that’s right. Datsyuk and Lidstrom.

I'm lost. Bettman should have canceled the All-Star game because Lidstrom was hurt (I see a theme here)?




But giving a team less days off for winning quickly, and thereby guaranteeing they won’t be as healthy to start the Finals as they would be with two more days rest?

Why don't we just start the thing in 2012? Lidstrom will be 41 but fully healed from his injuries and Chelios might have since died of natural causes, but it would be fair. Of course, the Pens will have had one more day to rest, so this might not work out either. Either way, BETTMAN WANTS TO RAPE ALL OF THE BABIES IN DETROIT.





Bettman despises the Wings. He hates what Holland did to sign Franzen and Zetterberg. Long term deals to circumvent his pet CBA. He despises the fact that the Wings are so popular, make the league so much money, but dictate gates and memorabilia sales...that they are bigger than he is, almost as big as the league itself. Bettman hates that Jimmy D and Mike Ilitch resisted the lockout, that they sided with their players. You think that doesn’t have a lot to do with why Detroit is favored among all NHL players?

NO! Ok, first, Bettman loves that Detroit makes the NHL money. He LOVES it. That's what his job is...get money for the NHL. Promote the league, make it popular again. If using live camels as goalies would make the NHL more popular amongst fans, Bettman would be on a camel-shopping in Mongolia TOMORROW. Secondly, players don't like Detroit because they resisted the lockout. They like Detriot BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING AWESOME AT HOCKEY. Good hockey players want to go to Detroit because Detroit is the home of a team that is good at hockey. They win a lot of hockey games. Do you think Hossa went to Detroit because the owners did something during the lockout? Hossa doesn't even know what the word "lockout" means. He went there because he thought they had the best chance to win hockey matches.




There is no way the Final should start on Saturday, and go straight to Game 2 the next day. No one does that. It hasn’t happened in nearly fifty years. But, coincidentally, here we are. Detroit has six (potentially seven with Hossa) injuries. Lidstrom, Datsyuk, Draper, Ericsson, Lilja, Kopecky. Three of those players would be the number 1 or 2 guy at their position on any team in the NHL. That’s right. Any team. And, yes...coincidentally...there is a remarkably short turnaround, followed by a game 24 hours later.

Yes. When are all of the Red Wings going to be healthy? That's when the series should start. Bettman fucking loves the Pens, which is exactly why he didn't suspend Ovechkin for the cheapish hit he put on Sergei Gonchar in the Conference Semis. But seriously, let's get to your main point...DO YOU REALIZE HOW LONG AGO 50 YEARS WAS!

Why doesn't Bettman just play all of the games on the same day in Mario Lemieux's backyard if he loves drinking Cherokee Reds with Malkin so much?





Gary Bettman is so beholden to NBC, so deep in their pocket, that he has absolutely no ground to stand on. That’s the public answer and it’s the one league officials will probably whisper when pressed. But what they will never admit, and what drives Bettman from time to time, and what affects his decision making and has for years, is this…

You so get this. That's what the worst part is. You get this. But yet...





...the little bastard hates him some Red Wings.

You have to keep coming back to this just so you have something to get all fired up about and stroke your God damn undeserved little man complex.

I HATE THIS. I've gone on about it at length. Everybody just wants to feel disrespected and feel that the odds are stacked against them and yada yada yada. FUCK. THAT. The Penguins and Red Wings are going to get over it and play actual hockey games. They aren't going to try and out-no-respect each other. The Wings are fucking stacked, so the fans have to go to great lengths to muster up enough disrespect fuel to get them pumped up for the Finals. And that is just stupid and dare I say, gay. If that idea had a penis it would touch other penises with it. That idea frots.





It’s not a conspiracy. It’s just a little man who’s held an important job for too long.

It's almost like he got it 50 YEARS AGO! OMFG!!!!!!!

Fuck off, Red Wings. Fuck you, fuck your city, fuck your fans, fuck your kid's friends, fuck your cars, fuck everything about you that can be fucked. There. Is that enough disrespect for you?

I can't wait until Hossa lays on the ice like a broad AGAIN after this series.

Disrespecting the Red Wings

Detroit, currently fighting a rampant epidemic that has covered the area in AIDS. Even the lakes have AIDS. The situation appears far from being under control as a virulent strain of Canadian AIDS has appeared in recent months.


By now, if you read these, you know my feelings on disrespect. Notably the belief that fans and writers and even opposing players and ANYONE can disrespect a team without said team getting some gay intangible performance boost from the fuel of this disrespect. So, with that having been typed, I am going to douse the Red Wings in a golden shower of unabashed disrespect.




YOU! Coach Mike Babcock! Stop looking at me like I'm a 10-year-old Thai boy, you cocktaster. I don't know what kind of atmosphere you promote over there in AIDStown to get players to take lesser contracts in order to join or stay, but I can only assume it involves more reacharounds than wraparounds. And probably a good bit of glory holes as well. I hope Hossa's balls taste Czech enough for you, Pube Waddell.




And of course you, Benedict Hossa. Taking the slight discount and one-year contract to play for the Wings because they had the best chance to win the Cup, you said. Well all it has gotten you now is the best chance to get AIDS. Remember the playoffs last year when you had like, 2 good games? You Slovak cockhoarder. Here's to you laying on the ice and crying for the second time. You are like the NHL's Nancy Kerrigan!




Valtteri Filppula, pushing a grocery cart full of strawberry douche and doing what he does best...looking gay enough to pounce on the nearest cock, which is just what all Red Wings fans would be doing if they weren't busy blowing the overrated ghost of Steve Yzerman's legacy. Valterri Filppula epitomizes the term 'd-bag'. He oozes Finnish vaginal cream. Really, this homo by himself is enough to make Henry Ford himself hate the fucking Red Wings.




Ooooohhh, Niklas Lidstrom. Ohhh, I'm so old. OMG, I'm Swedish but can speak good English. I'm so good at hockey. Oh my God, my jersey C has a cock in it. YEAH WELL FUCK YOU LIDSTROM. You can't even spell your first name right. Niklas? Who do you think you are, Valtteri Filppula? At least he comes from a land of magical pube castles and jizz luges...what the hell is your excuse? You are such a Red Wing. Carrying Yzerman's legacy forward. Who cares...you think that's going to keep me from disrespecting you? I don't care how likable you may be, you can like some Malkin balls right on your eyes, you dripping triple-layer vagina cake. Fuck you and the little Swedish town you came from (which turns out to be a small village by the name of Västerås which has a population of 107,500 like-minded Swedish assbreathers).


And there are so many more, be it Kronwall or Chelios (holy f, he's 47) or Osgood or Franzen or Datsyuk or whoever. I wouldn't even consider Conklin a traitor because he didn't really have much choice but fuck him, too. Why? BECAUSE FUCK THE RED WINGS, that's why. Fuck all of them. I hate these commie looking taintslammers. The Penguins are going to beat the fuck out of these homos and they can write it on their bulletin board. "Random blogger disrespects the fuck out of the Red Wings". Great. Put it up. Fuck all of you. And I certainly have enough disrespect to go around that I could accomplish that. Homos.

Haircuts

...Brian, explain how big the goaltending has been in this series.



Keith, it all comes down to one save by Fleury. It really set the tone for the whole game for him. Take a look:





In pre-game?



Absolutely, Keith. You can tell that all of the saves he made in pregame really gave him the confidence he needed when the puck dropped. You can't say the same for Cam Ward...






Wait, Cam Ward was signing autographs before the game instead of warming up? Isn't that video from 3 years ago?



Keith, maybe it is, but you just don't see the same determination and fire.



Uhhh...alright...what about the scorers in the series?



Well, we all knew coming in off the heels of the Pens-Caps series that Sidney Crosby was playing like you expect a superstar to play in the games that really matter.



And what games would those be, Brian?



...uh, that would be the playoffs, Pierre.


Oh, cool!




Anyway, while the stars for the Penguins were the unheralded guys like Miroslav Satan and Phillippe Boucher, Sidney Crosby played very well for the Pens including this excellent dish to Guerin that was robbed by a great glove save from Ward.





You have a feeling you'll be hearing from Sidney Crosby this series. You pretty much know you can count on him. The X-factor in most people's minds is going to be the play of Evgeni Malkin, who stepped it up late in the Capitals series and, as you saw, continued that momentum here tonight with an incredible backhand goal off a feed from Tyler Kennedy. This goal put the Hurricanes in a deep hole from which they couldn't recover. Consistent play like this from Malkin will make things much easier for the Penguins. As for Eric Staal, he played pretty well tonight in his own right, putting pucks on net and setting things up for his teammates to finish. But, you just know he's going to have a hard time sleeping tonight after blowing that late chance to tie. You aren't going to beat the Penguins if you keep missing chances like that.



Thanks, Brian. Man, I'll tell you what, if all of the games in this series are like this one, I'm going to run clean out of jizz!


Absolutely, Keith. I think I jizzed in my pants three times during this game!



We'll see you all on Thursday right here on Versus, the network where hockey teams play hockey games versus other hockey teams. If it's anything like tonight, you won't want to miss it.

Disrespecting the Hurricanes

Of course I had to go with the gay blingy logo from "butterfunk.com", a place where you know you are going to see some pure, unabashed gayness.

Perfect for the revival of one of the few recurring themes here on You Lay On The Ice...the segment whereby I disrespect a fresh opponent of a Pittsburgh-based sporting team. In this case, the Carolina Hurricanes, who are set to play the Penguins in a best-of-7 series to find out which Staal will get mentioned as the other Staal's brother most frequently. My guess is Marc.

Ok, the Hurricanes...try not to make this too easy. You really are already digging yourselves a hole with your gay ass name...the fucking Carolina Hurricanes? How many hurricanes do you get in Carolina? And which Carolina? I had to Wikipedia your gay ass team just to find out where it plays. And guess what the answer is? Charleston, SC? No. Charlotte, NC? No. Fucking Raleigh. YOU PLAY HOCKEY IN RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA, you sperm-filled-tortilla-eating cocktorquers. Do hurricanes even hit Raleigh? I mean, I guess there's a chance...let's see. From Wiki:

"Raleigh experienced significant damage from Hurricane Hazel in 1954."

"Also in 1996, Hurricane Fran struck the area, causing massive flooding and extensive structural damage."

Wow, two of them! They caused flooding! Extensive structural damage! Miami scoffs at you, Carolina Hurricanes. New Orleans is laughing AT you. Galveston thinks you are a bunch of emo douchebags. Why don't you go play in a league with the Salt Lake City Raging Sexparties and the Vatican City Somnambulant Meth Addicts? Seems more fitting. Raleigh, you better watch your ass in 2038! A CATEGORY ONE HURRICANE NAMED AFTER AN 86-YEAR OLD WOMAN IS GOING TO BE COMING STRAIGHT FOR YOU!!!!!!!

Well, until they change their name to something fitting like the Carolina Backwoods Paint-Huffers, I'll have to focus on the individual players.



Hey, Cam Ward, you leap-year born cocksmoker! Remember, though, just because you are only about 6-years old when counting leap years does not mean you can touch 6-year-old boys, so get rid of the pedophile beard. Or keep it and keep looking like a walking embodiement of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome; your choice. Either way you can feel free sit on that trophy that you are holding.

Regardless, let's hope that another fluky goal by your team steals a victory for you and makes people think that you are actually good.



Hey, Erik Cole, nice Stanley Cup! I bet your Amish wife tries to fuck it when you aren't around, likely out at a local gay establishment and holding the same "fuck me in my acid-washed jeans" pose that you are displaying here. You look more brokeback than broke neck, regardless of what Brooks Orpik has to say about it.

Speaking of your broke neck, I know you want to be a badass and say you don't want to hear Brooks Orpik's apology and you'd rather wait until you play against him and tell him that he better watch out because you are seriously going to slap him so hard, but...you aren't. Look at you! You already had one terrible fight with Orpik and got de-shirted like a bitch. Nobody wants to hear about your broken neck anymore. The only reason it is even still a storyline is because your team plays in Raleigh, NC. Hits like the one that put you into the boards happen all the time, so please, take your tampon out immediately or you are going to end up with TSS.




And finally, you, Eric Staal. You just have to be related to a current Penguins player so we have to hear your gay ass name and read nothing but "OMG Staal brothers drinking game!!!!" posts all over the internet about how everyone should chug a Zima when the announcers mention how you cockslapped your brother Jordan back in Thunder Bay in 1994. Well, you know what, Eric Staal? I'm going to drink my Zima at my own fucking pace, that's what. I don't care how many times you and Jordan are mentioned or someone talks about your brother Marc and how his parents spelled his name like they intended for him to experiment with penises or any of this. Zdeno Chara make you a non-factor in the previous series against Boston and I'm sure Gonchar, Orpik, et. al. will have no problem replicating this feat. And you know what? If I have to chug my Zima for that to happen, then I'm fucking doing it right now. Delicious. That was a few degrees from ordinary.

So fuck you, Carolina Hurricanes. Your fluke Stanley Cup from outlasting a garbage Oilers squad in 2006 is in the past. Marty Brodeur is not the opposing goalie in this series. This one isn't going 7 games. And once the Pens win, it will prove once again that bulletin-board material and perceived disrespect and all of that jazz means absolutely nothing.

Peace out, bitch

Ovechkin, you Russian diver. Wait, my bad, only Crosby dives....then Alexis must just be a toothless vagina (lucky, we wouldn't want any cases of Ovechkin dentata when Hal Gill was busy having pokecheck sex with him throughout game 7). Sure, Ovechkin's sweet at hockey and no one can argue that, but it can easily be argued that he's a huge fan of the male genitalia and would floss with pubes if he was capable of actually flossing. Peace out, bitch.

God, I hate the Capitals. They were so pumped up after that regular season victory over the Pens in February, too...you hate to see it come crashing down like this. Actually, no...you like to see it. Hopefully Varlamov starts next year where he left off (a human) as opposed to some sort of puck-eating cyborg created by Russian or Ukrainian or wherever-the-fuck-he's-fromian scientists. And maybe Fleury can learn from this and CHAIN HIMSELF TO THE MOTHERF-ING GOAL. That's two blatant f-ups that created Capitals goals in this series and luckily, only one of them actually mattered. And it was overcome. Still, made Game 3 much harder to win than it needed to be. In the end, it wasn't enough to overcome the powerful intergalactic forces that were leading to the Caps once again exhibiting their penchant for blowing early-series leads to the Penguins. I hate when the Pens lose to the Caps almost as much as I hate it when the Steelers lose to the Ravens. Luckily, I don't have to commit seppuku with scissors today at work.

Hurricanes at Boston tonight to see who is up next for the Penguins buzzsaw and I'm telling you what, I'm pumped out of my mind to disrespect an entire team on here tomorrow morning. Be it journeyman goalie Tim Thomas or Brother McStaal for Carolina, there is going to be some serious disrespect on here.

GUNPOWDER JONES SPOTTED AT PANTHERS GAME

Yes, that guy in blue is Meadville-famous rapper Gunpowder Jones. He also goes by Vern. Thanks, The Pensblog.

I'm famous! I WAS ON FSN FLORIDALAND TV!

What a game, fools. Panthers fans were actually decently represented and were good fans, which shocked the hell out of me. I expected at least 50-50 Pens backers, but it was more like 30-70 at the most.

The Panthers in the crowd were amped up after their first goal but Sid came back with a superstar play that I could just feel was coming. You just knew it. It was an insane feeling. That just killed the Panther fans, energized the Pens fans, and it was over from there. Pittsburgh fans are just going to be louder than most fans, and you could tell whenever LET'S GO PANTHERS chants were quickly drowned out by LET'S GO PENS. PEN!S. That's going to be on my sign.

Yeah, that's right. My fucking sign.

Douchebag in the crowd had a "Don't cry Sidney, your MASCARA will run!" sign, which was about as clever as a Beer Pong World Champions t-shirt. Well, the Pens come back to the Douchefactory to play the Panthers on April 5th, and I'm bringing some fucking signs of my own. Hmm...what to put?















I honestly could do this all day and not get bored.

You will not control this team like a penis, sir

I kind of have a hard-on for mocking Pierre McGuire (above, on the right), and I am certainly not alone in my proclivity to do so. From Lori at Hockey, Balls, and Shoes (she's an obvious proponent of the Oxford Comma) comes this article by Rob Rossi of the Tribune-Review. Why is my linking always such a clustersex? Whatevs.

The article details the decision that the Penguins are going to have to make on their head coaching front at the end of the season, as Dan Bylsma is just an interim coach at this point, which I believe means that Mario Lemieux enjoys placing cigars inside his vagina. So, all in all, not an inflammatory premise at all. Something I can imagine the majority of Penguins fans would be interested in reading. The opposite of some gay third-grader touching maverick who raids houses in his fantasies to steal back Sammy Sosa's MVP award and put it right in Moises Alou's deserving, piss-standed hands.

Here are some of the potential options mentioned:

BRENT PETERSON

Currently: Nashville associate coach

Rossi: Speculated as GM Ray Shero's "guy" since Shero was hired away in May 2006 from Nashville, where he served as GM David Poile's assistant.

I wouldn't have a problem with that. Shero has shown that he knows what the f he's doing.

JOHN TORTORELLA

Currently: TSN (Canada) analyst

Rossi: Coached young and talented Tampa Bay Lightning to Stanley Cup in 2004, but was fired last summer. His experience, intensity and direct approach could benefit Penguins' young nucleus.

I'm a fan of Tortorella. Wouldn't be a problem, either.

EDIT: The Rangers just fired their coach and hired Tortorella. So it looks like he's off the list.

DAN BYLSMA

Currently: Penguins interim coach

Rossi: Has already impressed key team leaders. A playoff appearance would give him a legit claim. An appearance in the second round probably gets him the job.

If he does a good job down the stretch, then why not? Plus, he looks like Bill Cowher.

TODD RICHARDS

Currently: San Jose assistant coach

Rossi: Two successful seasons (2006-08) at AHL Wilkes-Barre/Scranton only enhanced his standing with Shero; was an assistant with AHL Milwaukee when Shero ran that affiliate for Nashville.

Know nothing about him, but hey, San Jose's doing something right. If Shero likes him than I come to the same conclusion that I came to for Peterson.

PIERRE MCGUIRE

Currently: TSN (Canada), NBC hockey analyst

Rossi: Craves another shot at coaching (67-game stint with Hartford, 1993-94). He is one of Shero's closest friends dating to their time with Ottawa in the mid-1990s. He also served as a pro scout on team co-owner Mario Lemieux-led Penguins squads from 1990-92.

WHAT!?!? Nooooooooooooo! No. NONONONONO. I don't care if he's bff's with Shero, or if he and Shero engage in weekly homosexual activities, or if he coached Hartford in 1993, or if he was a scout when Lemieux played, or if Wayne Gretzky is on his gchat list, or whatever. Lori is correct in that not only does he hold the microphone like a penis, he actually looks like a penis. For real. If this blog was NSFW, Photoshop would be getting a workout right now. Why is his name not Pierre Peterson? It would be fitting.

Pierre, you will not control this team like a penis. You will continue to sit in a little box between the team benches and ask Niklas Lidstrom if he's sweating and mention that Sidney Crosby just called Johnathan Cheecho a "fucking indian". But you cannot coach this team.

It can't happen. I hate Pierre McGuire. He is the douchiest of all non-Don Cherry bags in the NHL right now. There is almost no way I can be an active proponent of his success.

Don't do it, Shero.

It's like these guys just want to taste my dick

Oh, hey media cameras. Surprised to see you here. I guess while I have a platform, I'd like to make some statements regarding the other players in this league that seem compelled to find out exactly what my jizz tastes like.

I'm a bit surprised by the repressed desires around the league to vicariously touch my dick through the various places that it's been. It's like the guys just want to rub their balls where my balls have been, presumably to live out a fantasy of actually rubbing their balls against mine. Just swimming in a sea of balls, these players...and this is certainly not a fresh water sea. A little salty. What I'm saying is they'd float. Actually, I'm getting carried away with that analogy. What I'm really saying is that the other players in the NHL want to taste my dick.

I mean, why else would they go around scooping up every scandalous little tramp that I've tossed by the wayside? These guys just want to fuck my sloppy seconds to live out a fantasy of fucking me. These guys just want to nuzzle up against my balls in the corner of my Vogue office, gently caressing them with their tongues like fresh popsicles. These guys want to then place my balls in their mouth and start stroking me softly, hoping that we eventually engage in full-fledged frotting. At the end of these fantasies that they obviously play out in their minds on a daily basis, we'll end the frot by mutually ejaculating upon each other, finally giving them their chance to taste my sperms at the thrilling climax to their wildest of wild dreams. I mean, I can't think of any other reason for the actions of these guys who snatch up every chick I drop like they were Christmas hams in Ethiopia. These guys just want to touch my cock.

I guess that's all I've got for now, but let me end by inviting Dion Phaneuf to just come out and suck me off if that's what he really wants to do. I mean, I'm a fucking fashion intern, for Christ's sake. I'd probably at least consider it.

Fucking sports are going to start

No offense to baseball, which I am a fan of, but July and August for me are mainly taken up by anticipation of foosball season. The college season gets underway tomorrow at 7 pm, when Northeastern travels to Ball State to play a game that the coaching staffs won't even watch, and ends after Penn State's first loss due to the fucking joke of a postseason that they have in place. It's going to be nice to see teams playing games with the intention of actually winning them, along with the temperature slowly falling below stifling down here in Cuba del Norte. That's Cuba of the North for you saxophones out there. Or is it anglophones? I'll ask L. Ron Hubbard the next time that I see him.

College foosball is all well and good and all that, but it is nowhere near as orgasmic and delicious as NFL footballs. World class athletes? Check. Coke off of stripper's tits? Check. Boating under the influence? Checkity check yo'self! Holy hell do the NFL players like to get drunk and boat. Like a regular Captain Chaos out there, floating down the river in a fashion that is anything but broadlike. Boating with broads. Wow. That fucking stuff gets me harder than a piece of steel made out of conflict diamonds. They used to call me Diamond Erection, mainly because they found out in my Google cache that I was searching for nude pictures of Diamond Dallas Page, but still, the fact remains that that is what they called me. So suck it. Straight cache, homey!



On top of that, the Penguins will be taking to the ice shortly after to dominate the fuck out of the hapless East before likely losing again to a far superior team from the West, but a brother can dream. I was all set to make a mock stanley cup and ride around in the back of the whip last year before realizing just how freaking awesome Detroit was. Still, Chris Osgood hoists giant penises. That's just gay. Make it rainbow, Osgood. Make it rainbow.


Needless to say, I've been sporting a pretty serious erection lately, and you just hit me up via email or something if you want to see it. I'm about as shy as an NBA player surrounded by Asian chicks. I was getting tired of the stupid Olympics anyway...if I want to see barely-teenaged girls
dressed like they were going to a prom at an aerobics center holding onto a pole, I'd hide in John Mark Karr's basement. Fuck the Olympics. You can't drink PBR while watching some Bulgarian weightlifter trying to supersnatch 301 kilograms. Bring on the fall, wenches!