It's like these guys just want to taste my dick

Oh, hey media cameras. Surprised to see you here. I guess while I have a platform, I'd like to make some statements regarding the other players in this league that seem compelled to find out exactly what my jizz tastes like.

I'm a bit surprised by the repressed desires around the league to vicariously touch my dick through the various places that it's been. It's like the guys just want to rub their balls where my balls have been, presumably to live out a fantasy of actually rubbing their balls against mine. Just swimming in a sea of balls, these players...and this is certainly not a fresh water sea. A little salty. What I'm saying is they'd float. Actually, I'm getting carried away with that analogy. What I'm really saying is that the other players in the NHL want to taste my dick.

I mean, why else would they go around scooping up every scandalous little tramp that I've tossed by the wayside? These guys just want to fuck my sloppy seconds to live out a fantasy of fucking me. These guys just want to nuzzle up against my balls in the corner of my Vogue office, gently caressing them with their tongues like fresh popsicles. These guys want to then place my balls in their mouth and start stroking me softly, hoping that we eventually engage in full-fledged frotting. At the end of these fantasies that they obviously play out in their minds on a daily basis, we'll end the frot by mutually ejaculating upon each other, finally giving them their chance to taste my sperms at the thrilling climax to their wildest of wild dreams. I mean, I can't think of any other reason for the actions of these guys who snatch up every chick I drop like they were Christmas hams in Ethiopia. These guys just want to touch my cock.

I guess that's all I've got for now, but let me end by inviting Dion Phaneuf to just come out and suck me off if that's what he really wants to do. I mean, I'm a fucking fashion intern, for Christ's sake. I'd probably at least consider it.

STILL Laying on the Ice. Like a Broad, even.

I don't think you'll find too many non-Rangers or fashion magazine fans who will disagree with you when you tell them that Sean Avery lays on the ice like a broad. He does. See the picture for evidence...that is Sean Avery, laying on the ice, like a broad. There is even video evidence of Avery laying on the ice like a broad.

Here.

Also here.

Point is, he lays on the ice like a broad. And people say Crosby's a diver because he bled after they hit him in the face with a stick.

Which makes this next part hard to admit as a Penguin fan. But I must. Right now, Sean Avery is a gladiator. A warrior. An ultimate warrior.


Avery suffered a lacerated spleen in Game 3 of the Pens-Rangers series, likely on a big hit from Marian Hossa, which is kind of like getting injured by Ray Guy on a punt return. This is an injury that would sideline a lesser man for an entire season. Look at Chris Simms. And Jim Thorpe.

But Avery? He's likely only going to miss ONE GAME.

He'll be out of the next game for the Rangers. He will likely be back in time for the next Rangers game after that. Impressive. It looks like Sean Avery has finally decided to stop laying on the ice like a broad.