Thursday, June 4, 2009

Argument that chaps my balls: equal penalty distributions




It's been awhile since I've posted one of these, but please...don't let that cloud your beliefs into thinking that my balls have been somewhat chap-free. Because they haven't. My balls are always chapped by life's nuances, moreso at some points than at others. But there is ALWAYS some motherf-in' chap on my balls, yo.

Today's Blistex will be applied by touching on the notion that all sporting events should have equal penalty distributions. And this has nothing to do with Pens-Red Wings, although you can make a compelling argument that penalties are only being called in a way that keeps the calls evenly distributed. We heard it during the Caps-Pens series, during the Steelers-Chargers game, during NBA games in which one team shoots a pissload of free throws compared to the other, etc etc. And motherfuckers are always all "yo dog, this shizz is fixed! Look how many more penalty minutes Edmonton had! Y'all niggaz ain't know Edmonton was mad gangsta ehhhhh?", and I'm all like "S THE F UP". They aren't supposed to be even just for the sake of being even.

But why should penalties always be even or close to it just for the sake of equal distribution? An team like the Lakers, with Kobe, is going to shoot more free throws then a team like the Magic, who thrive on kicks to open shooters. If you are taking open J's, you aren't going to get fouled. Meanwhile, going to the hole effectively and drawing help from big men who come into the lane from the side and swat at the shots is going to elicit some whistles. So why the hell do free throws have to be even?

That goes for any sport. Say an NFL team has a terrible offensive line and they go up against some good pass rushers or a team like the Stillers that has a lot of disguised LB blitzes from a 3-4 defensive set...those linemen are going to get beat quite often and be forced to hold. Same went for the Steelers O-Line...with that level of combined suck and mental errors, they are going to commit quite a few holds. So if the Steelers go up against a team with a smart, cohesive offensive line, chances are that they are going to have a penalty defecit, at least as far as holding calls go. And I've never been one to hop on the James Harrison is held every play bandwagon...he kind of is, but so are a lot of leverage rushers, and you aren't going to get too many calls when the O-lineman is holding you with his arms close to his body. Whatevs, that's beside the point. Unless a lot of those calls are going uncalled to keep penalty distribution even...in which case it is the entire point. So what I'm saying is it's either the point or not the point. This is why I don't write for legitimate sporting outfits. FUCK YOU, ESTABLISHED MEDIA! They can be completely wrong but make sense while doing so. FOR SHAME!

Anyway, hockey seems to be the worst. Probably because penalty calls have more effect in hockey than in any other major sport. In the NBA you get a one-point shot. In the NFL, you lose some yards. Baseball doesn't have them. I guess you get tossed but get a replacement. Or a balk. You give up a base. Soccer has penalties that can be killers but only if you get a red card. Anything else doesn't really matter. But in hockey, every single penalty leaves you shorthanded. That's a pretty big deal. So, people are always spouting off about the discrepancies in penalty calls. Which is fine, if you cite actual instances to back up your reasoning. But just looking at the penalty minutes served by each team does not make any point by itself. It's just lazy. What if the Milwaukee Beer-Chugging Rapists are facing off against the Rochester Hasidic Jews? Would you not expect slightly more righteous play from one of these teams over the other? The Beer-Chugging Rapists probably deserve all the penalties they rack up when they hit the Jews away from the puck and grab their jerseys and slash them with their sticks and everything along those lines, while you just know that the game of the Hasidic Jews has strong foundations in solid passing and stickhandling. So don't start to tell me that the NHL is fixed just because the Beer-Chugging Rapists got 4 more penalties called on them than the Hasidic Jews. Get that weak stuff out of here.

So if penalties are to be distributed evenly, the following must hold:


- The fuck are people thinking buying two million copies of Lil' Wayne's latest mailed-in rapping effort? Not a single person has purchased a Gunpowder Jones CD. This must be rectified.

- So Kim Kardashian is blowing Reggie Bush...well, I call next. TO RECEIVE, SICKOS.

- On a related note, if I give you one pearl necklace, I will be required to do the same to all of your friends. Pearl necklaces! It will be like you all went to Jared's! Or, well, I did. Whatever.

- I want some of Rik Smit's last contract. SPREAD THE WEALTH, RIK!

- Pac-Man Jones has a lot of making it rain to do.


That's all I've got. CURSE YOU, TYPICAL ARGUMENTS!!!

4 comments:

Symo said...

F*ck parity. I'm NOT blowing Reggie Bush.

Vern said...

Lolz. I edited.

Anonymous said...

stop giving away the cds, homo

Vern said...

Well, if I give away 2 million, we'll call it even.