Friday, June 19, 2009

Is this legit?

Poor Earnest Byner...fumbling away the Browns chances back in the '80s during that short time period where they were actually legit.

Well, I'm back from San Diego, returning to Fort Lauderdale in all of its early summer 95-degree and humid glory, reading up on the recent flooding to befall the City of Champions, and basking in the glow of last week's Penguins championship. Ok, maybe that's an over-romanticized way to say that I got home and sat around playing video games. But regardless, I was alerted by my pal Cotter, who is always on top of all things Pittsburgh at One For the Other Thumb, that some douchesack from Cleveland was attempting to rain all over my parade. And that, my internet friends, is UNACCEPTABLE!

Ok, Cleveland douche. Let's do this.

Pittsburgh leads Cleveland, 11-0, in titles since 1964? Whoop-dee-doo!
by Mike Peticca, The Plain Dealer
Tuesday June 16, 2009, 1:33 PM

Whoop-de-do? E-fucking-gads, you renaissance retard. You don't have to write the article like it's actually 1964.

Typical of those who can't accept an occasional taste of provincial success with grace and dignity, Ron Cook of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette gloats that his tired city has won 11 major sports championships in the last 45 years, to none for Cleveland.

HE'S A FUCKING SPORTSWRITER. That's what sportswriters do. After one of their hometown teams wins a fucking championship, THEY WRITE ABOUT IT. And one of the city's sporting qualities is a rivalry with Cleveland. So he took some digs. Whatever. The only thing Pittsburgh is tired of is parades.

Another funny thing is that people from Cleveland keep attempting to trash Pittsburgh like their city is better in any of these two cities has evolved since the '70s and diversified their economy to bring it up-to-date with and even a step ahead of most of the modern era, and the other has an economy based entirely on LeBron James. You can figure for yourself which is which.

He writes:

The celebration yesterday in honor of the Penguins was our second in 132 days, dating to the February party for the Steelers after Super Bowl XLIII. It was the third in 40-plus months, counting the parade for the Steelers after Super Bowl XL in February 2006.

Cleveland hasn't had three in 40 years.

Actually, that's factually incorrect.

Cleveland hasn't had even one in 45 years for any of its major professional sports teams.

Well, yeah, that's all true. I have illegitimate children older than my dad was 45 years ago.

Cook's boasts - prompted by the Penguins' NHL Stanley Cup victory - may have some numerical veracity, but they lack historical perspective and are, really, only half (if that) the story.

That's kind of vague. Let's see what you've got to back it up.

Steelers stealers


Take the Steelers...please.

Pittsburgh was the worst franchise in the NFL until it hired Cleveland-born Chuck Noll as its coach. He led the Steelers to four of their first six Super Bowl championships. Keying Noll's indomitable defense was Hall of Famer Jack Lambert, a graduate of Crestwood High in Portage County and Kent State, and considered by some as the best linebacker ever.

Another player of note was Terry Bradshaw, who was born in Louisiana. Also important was Lynn Swann, a USC product. Mazech Tahl, who helped with cleaning the uniforms after games, was from Latvia.

This is retarded. No one cares where people were born...well, outside of people that live in an area that has nothing going for it. Do Pittsburghers claim that the 49ers owe much of their 1980's success to local product Joe Montana? Do they claim Marino's passing records? Are you actually suggesting, in all seriousness (or even any level of actual serious), that the Steelers actually stole people out of Ohio to lead them on their Super Bowl runs? That is retardation on the atomic level. Really. You can't get dumber than that. The stupidity of that thought could destroy a large city and give the majority of its residents radiation poisoning.

Former Browns linebacker and assistant coach Bill Cowher led Pittsburgh to its fifth Super Bowl win. Cowher, despite his accomplishments, wasn't good enough to be head coach for the Browns. Don't believe it? Former Browns owner Art Modell chose Bill Belichick over Cowher as Cleveland's new coach in 1991. Proving that the Browns' decision-makers have always known what's best, Belichick has coached three Super Bowl championship teams.

Oh my God. Please, look up "OMG" on Wikipedia. You'll see this paragraph.

Wow, Modell chose Belichick over Cowher. Good deal. Both turned out to be pretty good coaches in their own right; of course, they had to go to actual teams to do it. Interesting that the Browns would choose the coach known for cheating his way to three Super Bowls, and yet he STILL couldn't win anything in Cleveland.

But hey, the Browns have Romeo Crennel now, so it's all good.

Who's the reigning NFL defensive Player of the Year, and a linebacker on Pittsburgh's last two world champion teams? Akron's James Harrison, another former Kent State star.

Dude, get off of this tired-ass tip. Also, James Harrison had as much to do with the SB XL victory as parlando singing had to do with the success of Milli Vanilli.

What would the Steelers have been without such guys? And, all of their championships have been won since NFL games became more a dance than a brawl. After all, it was Lambert himself who famously said, "Quarterbacks should wear dresses," after he was reprimanded by the league for hitting a quarterback too hard. The Browns won all four of their titles when the game wasn't supervised like a croquet match.

So the Steelers now have to credit all of their championships to Cleveland? The Steelers wouldn't have been anywhere without a lot of different people from a multitude of places all over the country, you moron. And the same goes for ANY OTHER FUCKING THING IN LIFE THAT HAPPENS.

But, yes, point you. The Browns were AWESOME in the 1940's when the games weren't for pansies, there were 8 teams in the league, the players wore leather helmets, and Frank Sinatra was about 24.

We think Ron has really Cooked the books on this one. Cleveland has it all over Pittsburgh culturally, anyway. Do you know that Pittsburgh is so lacking in creative thinking that its football team was named the Pirates from 1933-40 (when it went 24-62-5, by the way)?

Ha! Awesome joke on Cook's name! And you have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Did you know that the Browns named their team after one of its coaches? And that their team sucked? And that it then moved to Baltimore and it won a Super Bowl there? And then a new team came in to replace it and it continues to suck to this day?

Pirates just been awful

The Pittsburgh Pirates' baseball team even makes the former, failed and forlorn Pittsburgh Pirates' football team look good.

Yep. The Pirates make the football team that used to suck in the FUCKING 1940'S look good by comparison.

Pittsburgh baseball has lost 318 games more than it has won since 1992. Recent Indians' teams look like the 1927 Yankees compared to the Buccos. Yes, the Pirates won the World Series in 1971 and 1979, but if they were any good lately, they would have made it to the 1995 or 1997 World Series to play the Indians, to see who really is best.

Right, the World Series' that the Indians lost to the Braves and then TO THE MARLINS. The last Indians championship occurred when JonBenét Ramsey's parents were 7.

The Pirates' inherited their ineptitude from the Pittsburgh Alleghenys, who went 23-113 in the 1890 National League pennant chase, finishing 66 1/2 games behind the first-place Brooklyn Bridegrooms and 23 games in the dust of the seventh-place Cleveland Spiders. The Alleghenys were outscored by 738 runs for the season, which even a Steel City citizen could tell you is more than one run per game.

Holy fuck, you are going back to 1890??!??!?! One of your insults is seriously that a Pittsburgh baseball team really sucked in 1890, back when the balls were made of sourdough bread and players used brooms for bats and had handlebar mustaches. Most of the chemicals that helped set Cleveland's river on fire hadn't even been created yet.

Also, we are SO much better at math than you people that it's not even worth discussing. Cleveland is still best known for being the birthplace of Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony.

Yes, in 1899, the Cleveland Spiders went 20-134, but we dare Ron Cook to find one person who can honestly say those Spiders were worse than the '90 Alleghenys.

Uh, because both of these events occurred in the 1890s? And percentage wise, that's many times worse. The winning percentages (divide wins by games played) were 16.9% for the 1890 Pittsburgh Alleghenys and 13.0% for the NOBODY GIVES A FUCK BECAUSE IT HAPPENED IN 1899.

Take Cavs over any Pitt team

What a great NBA history Pittsburgh has. Its lone NBA team, the 1946-47 Pittsburgh Ironmen (another creative name), played in the league during just its first season, when it was called the Basketball Association of America.

What's wrong with the Ironmen? Your team is named after somebody who rides a horse and fences. We can, of course, compare our spotty basketball history with your hockey history, if you'd like.

Typical of the city they represented, the Ironmen went 15-45, finishing 15 games behind the legendary Cleveland Rebels. Pittsburgh record books show that Colby Gunther is the team's all-time field goal percentage leader, hitting 33.6 percent of his shots. Some Pittsburgh fans could tell you Colby missed more than half his shots. A lot more, in fact.

The Cleveland Rebels are legendary? Ken Jennings hasn't even heard of the Cleveland Rebels.

If the Rebels were in any way indicative of the city they represented, they would have been homeless.

Penguins who?

Let's say this about hockey. Nobody had even heard of the Pittsburgh Penguins when the Cleveland Barons were winning nine Calder Cup championships between 1939 and 1964. That's when the NHL had six teams, and the Barons were commonly called the "seventh best hockey team in the world." We say they were the best. Not their fault they weren't allowed to play the Canadiens, Red Wings, etc.

Oh, so we will talk about Cleveland's hockey history, evem though it was in some minor league somewhere. One of the major reasons that nobody had heard of the Penguins at that point was due to the fact that they were FOUNDED IN 1967.

But hey, again, Cleveland apparently rocked during the Great Depression.

Ohio, 7-1

Just so Pittsburgh backers know, their city is in Pennsylvania and Cleveland is in Ohio. Despite an 89-year slump, Ohio has had seven men born in the state elected president. Pennsylvania has had one, and if you want to know how the experts rank him, look here.

Uhhh...ok. Just so people in Cleveland know, these are the lengths they have to go to if they want to feel superior to Pittsburgh in anything that people actually care about.


Rage said...

Dude, you get MAJOR nerd points for the parlando singing the cost of sacrificing some of your penis length. Seriously...why in the fuck do you even know that? You also missed an awesome opportunity to plug the Gunpowder Jones smash hit, "OMG" which is STILL my fave, but your posts are still spotless. Nicely done.

Vern said...

I wish I could say I knew what it was...but I didn't. I just looked for a list of singing terms and picked that one.

Symo said...

That was a real article? Comparisons from loser teams 100 fucking years ago?

Oh, don't forget Crennel got sacked for sucking. They have Man-Genius to help with the suckitude now... poor bastard.

Vern said...

Wow. That's right. How can I forget that?

I am not on my A-game recently. Not by a long shot.

tecmo said...

Cleveland is still best known for being the birthplace of Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony.

Haha that's my old standby when anyone tries to bring this weak shit to discussions about the two cities.

This guy is batshit crazy

Word Verification: gorstili. That means nothing, but the word made me giggle