Thursday, June 25, 2009

Energy drinks: part at least 6

Yes, you saw right....14 FUCKING HOURS OF ENERGY. I saw this today at the gas station near my house for the first time. 14 motherf-ing hours. Of energy. In a bottle. Seriously, doing enough cocaine to give you 14 hours of energy can kill you. Yet there it is in liquid form, sitting right next to the God damn bananas. And there are 12 in that that's 168 hours of energy! IN ONE BOX! That's 7 entire days, man! A whole week! You seriously don't have to sleep for an entire week on this stuff, according to the packaging.

Who needs that much energy? And how can a $2.99 (seriously, it was just $2.99!) shot of whatever this mix of guarana, taurine and crystal meth is really keep you up and alert for 14 hours? I might have to try it, since I am all about not ever sleeping. All sleeping does is waste time that can be otherwise spent being alive. Seriously, how much easier would life be if you had a full 24 hours in a day? I could do my laundry at like, 3 am. I'd go to the gym at like, 5 am. I might even clean something. I'd be so productive. Even though I really don't need that much energy, I still want to harness it. I would be like catching lightning with your fingertips. And hopefully without singing your pubes.

Where is this going to stop? First it was Red Bulls, which gave you wings just like Kotex. Then 5-hour energy. Than 6-hour power. Then I saw 7 hours. NOW 14. Why measure this in hours? Fuck that, man. I'm starting my own energy shot.


Sure, it will have a mix of herbs and spices and fetus extract and all that good stuff, but the main two energy ingredients will not be a secret to anyone...exclamation points and hawk sperm. Suck on that, Powerthirst. Gonna be more like LOSERSAUCE when One Week Tweak comes out. tell me a more potent energy combo than exclamation points and real hawk sperm and I will swim to Ghana and cut my balls off. The hawk semen is jacked freshly out of actual wild hawks completely against their will, which makes it twice as potent as consensually obtained hawk jizz. Seriously, with these hawks it's hand-raped or bust. Well...they don't bust in that case. That's like a reverse pun! Strong plays on words and similar creative turns of phrase are where we will obtain our exclamation points.

So put down that 14-hour fraud and pick up a 2 ounce One Week Tweak today!

1 comment:

Lori said...

This reminds me of a T-shirt I saw in the Czech Republic that said (in English) "There's a lightning storm in my mind"

There's totally meth in the 14 hr energy. You called it when the FDA takes that shit off the shelves.