Generic Energy Drink Corner: WILD STALLION

Note: Background changed to protect the creator, who is gainfully employed and likely not paid to discuss generic energy drinks on company time.


Well, it's been some time since I've partaken in the generic drink game, but I could not pass up the opportunity to charge myself up on some of this stuff. Wild Stallion? Come. On. Are they serious? Although I guess if you think about it, even if it was to mock the product...the name sold me.

But still...come on, people! Be creative! Wild Stallion and Crazy Horse and Bucking Bronco and Rabid Dog and all of the names of that ilk are just so damn contrived! How about something like Firebush! I'd drink the hell out of some firebush. I'd shotgun that ish, right here at my desk. I'd get it all over my shirt. And I wouldn't care, because I would have gotten so much damn energy out of that Firebush that I'll be awake later to do my laundry. GET ON THIS, ENERGY CZARS!

But this stuff? This Wild Stallion? Ok. I expected it to suck. I did NOT expect it to cost $2.59. Seriously, Wild Stallion? Are you just trying to sell a bunch of Wild Stallions for this kind of purpose, collect your winnings and shut it down? I looked closer and I guess not...I don't know who Imbibe is, but they have created a website for their electric horsesemen-themed energy drink. Trot faster dot com! I guess that people that sample the Stallion are just clamoring to get their hands on some merch or order some energy power or whatever the hell else you can do on there. And they had better be good at marketing because...well, because the "Electric Green" flavor tastes like it was created from storm runoff in Cambodia. It's freaking nasty.

The smell is not exactly unpleasant, but it does not create the impression that this drink is going to be good. So I had low hopes. And then I tasted it. It was like bubble gum and cock. Seriously, it's like the factory collects chewed-up Cotton Candy flavored Bubbalicious gum from underneath desks in Bolivia and then slaps it repeatedly with dicks to squeeze all of the juice out. Just slaps it with dick after dick until they've squeezed out enough juice to fill a can. Add the standard guarana, taurine and Cherokee pubes and you've got yourself a drink that tastes like it's being sucked out of a horse. Hey, Wild Stallion!

It also gave me the energy shakes. Poor energy distribution, Wild Stallion. All in all a terrible excuse for a potable beverage. Never again!

Generic Energy Drink Corner: MONSTER M-80

Once again, the background has been changed to protect the author, who holds a legitimate job.

As I have long tired of paying the $5.97 price tag affixed to Red Bull these days, I occasionally dabble in the generic energy drink circuit to mixed results. Today I pounded some MONSTER M-80...ENERGY + JUICE!!! I know it's been awhile since most of you have last taken a math class, but let me help you out here: Energy + Juice = POWERSLAMS. Mixing the two allows you POWERSLAM all of your daily tasks and then MEGARAPE them on the table. Or at least that's what it says on the can.

However, in reality, this tastes nothing like an explosion or anything of the sort. It tasted like pineapple juice. You know, the stuff that comes out of that gay little Dole can with the gay little opening on the top of it. What a freaking letdown! This juice was completely devoid of energy. They might as well have bottled the excitement at a St. Louis Rams home game, mixed it with juice and taurine, put the Monster logo on it and sold it like that. No explosions. No powerslamming. NO ENERGY. I imagine that the people who like to drink this stuff also ordered this jersey:

 

Hell yeah, Mural Hodge! SLAM THAT M-80! ENERGY + JUICE!

This joke of a drink didn't even give me the energy shakes. That's terrible.

Energy drinks: part at least 6

Yes, you saw right....14 FUCKING HOURS OF ENERGY. I saw this today at the gas station near my house for the first time. 14 motherf-ing hours. Of energy. In a bottle. Seriously, doing enough cocaine to give you 14 hours of energy can kill you. Yet there it is in liquid form, sitting right next to the God damn bananas. And there are 12 in that box...so that's 168 hours of energy! IN ONE BOX! That's 7 entire days, man! A whole week! You seriously don't have to sleep for an entire week on this stuff, according to the packaging.

Who needs that much energy? And how can a $2.99 (seriously, it was just $2.99!) shot of whatever this mix of guarana, taurine and crystal meth is really keep you up and alert for 14 hours? I might have to try it, since I am all about not ever sleeping. All sleeping does is waste time that can be otherwise spent being alive. Seriously, how much easier would life be if you had a full 24 hours in a day? I could do my laundry at like, 3 am. I'd go to the gym at like, 5 am. I might even clean something. I'd be so productive. Even though I really don't need that much energy, I still want to harness it. I would be like catching lightning with your fingertips. And hopefully without singing your pubes.

Where is this going to stop? First it was Red Bulls, which gave you wings just like Kotex. Then 5-hour energy. Than 6-hour power. Then I saw 7 hours. NOW 14. Why measure this in hours? Fuck that, man. I'm starting my own energy shot.

ONE WEEK TWEAK.




Sure, it will have a mix of herbs and spices and fetus extract and all that good stuff, but the main two energy ingredients will not be a secret to anyone...exclamation points and hawk sperm. Suck on that, Powerthirst. Gonna be more like LOSERSAUCE when One Week Tweak comes out. Seriously...you tell me a more potent energy combo than exclamation points and real hawk sperm and I will swim to Ghana and cut my balls off. The hawk semen is jacked freshly out of actual wild hawks completely against their will, which makes it twice as potent as consensually obtained hawk jizz. Seriously, with these hawks it's hand-raped or bust. Well...they don't bust in that case. That's like a reverse pun! Strong plays on words and similar creative turns of phrase are where we will obtain our exclamation points.

So put down that 14-hour fraud and pick up a 2 ounce One Week Tweak today!

ENERGY

Energy has come on to the scene with a vengeance, as I'm sure you've all noticed assuming you've been out in public in the past year or two. Red Bull started this whole craze, mainly I guess because it mixes well with liquor, but now we appear to be past the point of no return. You've got hundreds of energy drinks, and on top of that I've seen energy shots and energy gum and energy mints and energy beer and today even saw energy spray. Energy spray? Double-you Tee Eff? I just spray this stuff on and I'll feel alive? I sure hope so, since apparently no one sleeps anymore these days.

Regardless, as an innovator and a guy who knows opportunity when I see it, I feel the need to get into the energy business. I figure it to be largely recession-proof, as people are always going to need to feel awake. At least those people that have homes. So let's whip up some sweet new energy products.

SOAP


*singing*FUUUUCKKKK YEAHHHH, WASHHHH YO'SELF WITH ENERGYYYY SOOOOAAAOAOOAAOOAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!*end singing*

Player, I already gots the jingle.

What better way to start your day then to wash yourself clean with ENERGY SOAP...conveniently putting lighting into bar form. Also, energy soap will fight herpes. But no matter what you are washing off with this soap, just know that it will kickstart your day into high motherfucking gear. And leave you fresh and clean and smelling like a fresh lighting strike! If you can't fuck any fat chicks while using Energy Soap you are either gay or walking around with a shirt that says "I have herpes and I'll win $100 if I give it to you". And as we all know, women hate novelty shirts with exceedingly long messages on them.

Point is, you'd add energy soap to your shower and you fucking KNOW IT. It would be like rubbing an electrical storm all over your body, but without the bad side effects of singed pubes. Also, showering with energy soap will turn the shower water into ENERGY WATER.


CONTRACEPTIVES


Feel safe and AMPED UP while putting this energy condom on your energy dick and energyfucking the hell out of some broad!

However, you won't be the only one energyfucking safely if she's been taking energy birth control pills! Imagine that, destroying the fuck out of your eggs while getting jacked up in the process! It's like SCRAMBLING YOUR EGGS IN A FUCKING FRYING PAN! The official punctuation of these products is the exclamation point, and that's not just a marketing ploy. The energy condom will electrify your sperm so much that it's going to turn dark blue and will attain the ability to actually conduct electricity. Seriously, if you wear the energy condom and then pull out and shoot it on some batteries, your sperm will actually recharge those batteries. Those batteries are going to be a little tricky to handle afterwards, but hey, free power! Tell your power company to suck it. Literally.

So charge your sperm or make your eggs run for their lives with these latest innovations from our energy line. These products are brought to you by two words, FUCK and YEAH.

MAPS


Wooooooo! You fucking lost, bitch? Pick up an energy map!

Don't pull into some gas station late at night looking dreary as hell and decrepit. You could just look at your energy road map, which will wake you the fuck up and get you on track to reach your final destination with a backpack FULL OF WILLPOWER. This map is freaking soaked in energy fluids, which will leak into your body the same way the energy spray does. The only difference is that you will learn something with this map. And I'd think knowing where the fuck you are going is pretty important, almost as important as consuming four fetuses worth of pure energy at a time. And I'm not making that up, either. These maps are scientifically proven to contain the raw energy of four fetuses, harnessed into a complex road network.

So don't stumble around like a broad. GET AN ENERGY MAP TODAY!!!!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and sniff up some energy coke.

Generic Energy Drink Corner - Rockstar Punched

NOTE: Background changed to protect the innocent, who has an actual job.

Ok, every so often I get a Red Bull. You know, when I'm tired. And feel like shaking. Uncontrollably.

BUT....there is a problem here. As much as I like the taste of Red Bulls, the price has risen to close to $30/gallon at some gas stations. How the hell can Red Bull cost so much? It probably costs 6 cents a can to produce. So...just as I use generic drugs, I have began to search for generic energy drinks. Today's choice is kind of brand name, as far as non-Red Bulls go, but it still counts. Today, I worked like a Rockstar.

But not just any Rockstar. Rockstar Punched...energy + punch! Holy sweet cousin of fuck, this is going to be good. It has to! What can go wrong with energy and juice? Oh, you know, just about everything. Mixing energy and juice has proven in the past to work about as well as mixing priests and children. But...whatevs. I am willing to be a guinea pig in the name of generic energy drink science. So bring it on, Rockstar.

Let's inspect the can. Caffeine! Guarana! Ginseng! B-Vitamins! Taurine! I don't know what Taurine is, but it sounds to me like a trendy element. Like, it's atomic number would be "cool". And topping it off with tropical punch flavor? Hey, I live in the tropics, so I might like it. Even though the tropics are really only glamorous in pictures. It might taste like pondwater if it were an accurate tropical taste. Or maybe dysentery, if it's the water down in ol' Mexico. And of course, they have a cliched statement about how awesome and full of energy their energyjuice is.

"Bigger. Better. Faster. Stronger. PUNCHED is a mix of amazing tasting tropical punch packed with the powerful energy blend of Original Rockstar. Enhanced with the potent herbal blend of Guarana, Ginkgo, Ginseng and Milk Thistle, PUNCHED is scientifically formulated to provide an incredible energy boost to those who lead active and exhausting lifestyles - from athletes to rock stars. Enjoy this fully refreshing, lightly carbonated beverage super chilled. PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR."

Really? Milk Thistle? Is that even supposed to be capitalized? Do you write a sentence like "packed with Oranges!"? No. No you don't. Is Milk Thistle someone's name? Cool.

But it's scientifically formulated, which I guess is better than "randomly formulated", or "daterapingly formulated". It helps me lead an exhausting lifestyle, just like an athlete, who works 3 hours a day. I'm just assuming that most athletes drink something like Gatorade instead of energy punch, but that's just me. Also, are athletes and rockstars on opposite ends of some sort of spectrum? Because if not, there aren't too many people that would fit between them. Did they mean alphabetically? That would leave out seamstresses, but I guess that's just a risk that Rockstar was willing to take. Regardless, on with the drinking.

So, I tasted it. And it...was actually good! This stuff tasted good. This might just ruin generic energy drink corner, because the generic energy drinks are supposed to taste like horsedick. I'm going to have to find something fucking terrible next time just to keep me on top of my game. It's a gay game, but someone's gotta play it. Kind of like Quidditch.

We'll see what nasty flavors the competitors will cook up.

Generic Energy Drink Corner - Jolt Five-O

NOTE: Background changed to protect the innocent, who has an actual job.

Ok, every so often I get a Red Bull. You know, when I'm tired. And feel like shaking. Uncontrollably.

BUT....there is a problem here. As much as I like the taste of Red Bulls, the price has risen to close to $30/gallon at some gas stations. How the hell can Red Bull cost so much? It probably costs 6 cents a can to produce. So...just as I use generic drugs, I have began to search for generic energy drinks. Today's choice has been around for awhile...Jolt. But which Jolt, you ask? Oh, just Jolt Five-O, a mix of ENERGY + JUICE, as it says on the can

I got the Jolt, made sure it wasn't "energy soda", and went in to work. Energy AND juice? This has to taste good. It's going to taste like orange juice mixed with lightning bolts. Or grape juice mixed with Tae-Bo. At least this is what I had convinced myself of...as it turned out, I couldn't have been more wrong. Right from the first sip I knew that this was going to be hard to finish. Imagine mixing piss and ballsweat, mixing some Publix brand orange juice in it, and allowing it to sit for two weeks and go stale. Now imagine that it came in an ornate orange can. You pretty much have Jolt Energy Jizz right there.

Jolt is still confident in their product, however. From the back of the can, under a section that encourages you to "Ride all day, rage all night":

Want the goodness of juice without looking like a fruit lovin' hippie?

Fuck yeah, Jolt! I hate being labeled as a fruit lovin' hippie because I like to drink juice in the mornings. You fucking fruitginas are ruining our country, which was founded in 1780-something in a backroom at a strip joint while George Washington ate three entire hams. Plus one, Jolt.

We had the crew at MONSTER ENERGY make us the most innovative energy drink ever. We took our original Lost Energy flavor, mixed in 50% real juice, and topped it off with a full load of our energy blend that is perfect any time of day or night.

Yeah, I have nothing to base this on, but I bet your original flavor tastes like an ass jihad. And if this is what passes for top-notch innovation in the energy drink industry, they could really use a Nikolai Tesla or a Bill Veeck type to call their own. Look at me, as I place a full load of applesauce into my corn-on-the-cob flavored energy drink to create a mix of corn, applesauce, and sugary energy crystals that I like to call WIN SAUCE. You can find it on interstate corners where homeless people beg you to take it from them as they try to give it away.

Lost Five-O, finally a positive influence from Lost Enterprises. Tastes great, mixes better.

Did they just come out and say "finally we did something good"? Who the hell is in charge of marketing there, a casette recording of Rodney Dangerfield? And it tastes great, but mixes better. With what? Are they encouraging me to order a Five-O and vodka? If I actually drank that gay ass stuff, I certainly wouldn't get it mixed with this juicy partial-birth abortion of an energy drink. I can't believe I drank this whole can.

So there you have it, a new energy drink to avoid. I'm starting to shake, and while I am wide awake right now, I contribute that in large part due to the vitriol I have against this terrible drink and the intensity of this tirade. Fuck you, Lost Enterprises.

Generic Energy Drink Corner - Sobe No Fear

NOTE: Background changed to protect the innocent, who has an actual job.

Ok, every so often I get a Red Bull. You know, when I'm tired. And feel like shaking. Uncontrollably.

BUT....there is a problem here. As much as I like the taste of Red Bulls, the price has risen to close to $30/gallon at some gas stations. How the hell can Red Bull cost so much? It probably costs 6 cents a can to produce. So...just as I use generic drugs, I have began to search for generic energy drinks. And today, that lead me to purchase a drink I've seen but had as-of-yet not sampled...Sobe NO FEAR.

Now, after yesterday's debacle with Unbound, I figured I had to go with something backed by a respectable brand. And I like Sobe. I like the little lizard. I think he's a little gay, but, I mean, he makes good juice and that's really all I'm here to judge him on. You make good juice, little lizard. Keep up the good work.

But, as you may have seen on the commercials, the lizard likes to get down at times. He likes to let loose and dance. And to do that, he needs energy. So he created his own energy juice. And so I gave his juice a chance. Weirdly, instead of a friendly little lizard can, he placed this stuff in a menacing dark can with a skull on it. A skull with wings. I guess that indicates that the stuff is going to kill you, but in a way that will give you the posthomous ability to fly. A little strange, but I decided to go with it. Even though it was $2.50, still a tad pricey for some damn energy juice.

So, I popped the top. Took a sip. Thought...this tastes strange. But not terrible. I noticed a grapefruitish taste, along with a small tinge of cherry. But...no dick! This energy drink did not taste like dick! And since not tasting like dick is apparently a large hurdle for most energy drinks to overcome, I have to give the lizard his props. It was a weird taste but tolerable, and I actually got to like it a bit by the end. Bueno!

It has woken me up, and as-of-yet has not given me the energy shakes. I'm shaking a bit, but not uncontrollably like I do with Red Bull and like I did with the Unbound. I'll probably update it soon after I do start shaking, just like last time. But so far so good. Good job with the energy fluid, Sobe lizard. Good job.

Generic Energy Drink Corner - Unbound

NOTE: Background changed to protect the innocent, who has an actual job.

Ok, every so often I get a Red Bull. You know, when I'm tired. And feel like shaking. Uncontrollably.

BUT....there is a problem here. As much as I like the taste of Red Bulls, the price has risen to close to $30/gallon at some gas stations. How the hell can Red Bull cost so much? It probably costs 6 cents a can to produce. So...just as I use generic drugs, I have began to search for generic energy drinks. And today, that brought me to try this stuff I had never seen before...UNBOUND.

Look at that can. A large, dark grey can with a U surrounded by flaming gears staring me in the face. It just screamed violent goth energy. It looked like the complete opposite of a depressive emo drink ("Funeral Juice", coming to a store near you!). So fuck it, I'll get some of this stuff. And it was only $1.69! Wow. So let's get it to the plastic wild western office and sample this foreign liquid.

And let me tell you, there is a reason this stuff was so cheap. It tasted like stale gingerale and dick. And since I've never tasted dick, I'll just link to an expert. I am nonetheless confident in my prediction that you would notice the same taste if you left some gingerale out for four days, mixed it around for 10 minutes with your penis, and then chugged it. Was I tired today? Yes I was. Do I feel awake now? Yep. However, I slept in a bit today, so that might be the reason for my current feelings. But I'm still going to credit Unbound with waking me up a bit, while at the same time not giving me the Red Bull shakes. So you go, Unbound, even though you taste like Pau Gasol's ballsweat. But at least the glass of ballsweat is half-full.

Oh, and fuck coffee.


EDIT: I've got the shakes now, about 2 hours later. Fuck you too, Unbound.