Generic Energy Drink Corner: MONSTER M-80

Once again, the background has been changed to protect the author, who holds a legitimate job.

As I have long tired of paying the $5.97 price tag affixed to Red Bull these days, I occasionally dabble in the generic energy drink circuit to mixed results. Today I pounded some MONSTER M-80...ENERGY + JUICE!!! I know it's been awhile since most of you have last taken a math class, but let me help you out here: Energy + Juice = POWERSLAMS. Mixing the two allows you POWERSLAM all of your daily tasks and then MEGARAPE them on the table. Or at least that's what it says on the can.

However, in reality, this tastes nothing like an explosion or anything of the sort. It tasted like pineapple juice. You know, the stuff that comes out of that gay little Dole can with the gay little opening on the top of it. What a freaking letdown! This juice was completely devoid of energy. They might as well have bottled the excitement at a St. Louis Rams home game, mixed it with juice and taurine, put the Monster logo on it and sold it like that. No explosions. No powerslamming. NO ENERGY. I imagine that the people who like to drink this stuff also ordered this jersey:

 

Hell yeah, Mural Hodge! SLAM THAT M-80! ENERGY + JUICE!

This joke of a drink didn't even give me the energy shakes. That's terrible.