Wednesday, November 18, 2009

More gayness in writing - and chapping my balls while at it

Above is Michael Silver, who wrote this article. I have nothing more for a lead-in. It sucks, he wrote it for a legit writing outfit, and they paid him enough to afford those epically gay glasses. So congrats to you, Mr. Silver, on achieving Epic Gayness. 

When Bill Belichick made the decision to go for it on fourth-and-2 from his own 28 with 2:08 remaining and a six-point lead over the Colts on Sunday night, the future Hall of Fame coach knew exactly what he was doing.

Yes, he was going to attempt to convert a 4th down that would win the game for his team if converted and most likely lose it if not. Ok.

It was a perfect setup for ego-driven gratification, guaranteed to paint him as an avant garde genius or a misunderstood martyr: Either the Pats would convert the first down and win the game, and Belichick would be heralded as the shrewdest coach in America, or they’d fall short and lose, and he’d be pummeled by lesser mortals like me who simply don’t understand football on a higher plane.

What? Ego-driven gratification? What the fuck are you talking about? He was most likely attempting to play the odds, believing that his team had a better chance of converting that short 4th down than stopping Peyton Manning from scoring the go-ahead TD after a punt. Stop trying to turn this into 10th grade English class, where we search balls-deep in novels for hidden meanings as to why Edgar Allen Whogivesafuck named the Calico cat in chapter 5 "Puddles". Could it have something to do with St. Felix's Flood in Holland in 1530? I think it maaaaaaayyyyyyyyy dot dot dot.

We all saw what happened, and now it’s time for Belichick to assume the position. Bill, meet Barry Switzer. And see that guy over there in the corner of the room with padded walls? That would be one Sam Wyche.

Ok. I'm not familiar, so let's see why Sam Wyche is sitting in a corner of a padded room shaking and pissing into his own mouth.

Many people recall Switzer’s similarly dubious fourth-down gamble as coach of the Cowboys, which led to a late-season defeat to the Eagles in 1995. Less familiar to most fans is Wyche’s incomprehensible decision, as coach of the Bengals, to give Joe Montana and Jerry Rice a chance to beat him in 1987.

Don't give a fuck on Switzer, sometimes these calls work out and sometimes they do not. What did Wyche do?

In that game, the Bengals led the 49ers, 26-20, with six seconds remaining at Riverfront Stadium. San Francisco was about to fall to 0-2, pending a Cincinnati punt from its own 31-yard line, where the Bengals faced a fourth-and-long. Wyche didn’t want to risk a punt, instead calling a sweep for James Brooks, with the assumption that the play would eat up the remaining time.

That's almost epically retarded. Why not have the QB drop back and have the QB heave the ball as far as he can in the air? Still might not kill six seconds. Six seconds! The clock is going to stop right when the ballcarrier is tackled. Six seconds! I have a hard time believing that even an average sweep play is going to kill six seconds. That is ridiculously stupid on Wyche's part. And almost completely opposite-of-analogous to Belichick's call. Allow Sam Wyche to continue sitting in that room corner and feasting on bovine semen.

In defense of Belichick, many people have pointed out that he’s perhaps the greatest coach of his era, with three Super Bowl rings and a history of smart leadership. And all of that’s true – but it doesn’t mean that he has complete license to make ill-fated moves without being people questioning whether he has gone off the deep end.

Right. Like, for example, none of this gives Belichick license to instruct his punter to punt backwards over his own head and then take his pants off on the field. That would be going off the deep-end. This? This can be legitimately explained if people just drop the OMG WHY DIDN'T HE PUNT! schadenfreude as they jerk off while watching Belichick fail. And I absolutely HATE Bill Belichick. This all pains me to type, people.

Greater coaches than Belichick have seemingly lost their minds; hey, it’s a stressful profession that feeds God complexes like few others. And it’s not insignificant that two of his most respected ex-players, Rodney Harrison and Tedy Bruschi, were highly critical of the decision as television analysts.

It's absolutely insignificant. Have you ever heard Lou Holtz on TV? Just because one of his former players, especially one like Harrison who is probably still retarded off HGH abuse says that it was a bad decision does NOT make it a bad decision. If Bruschi was able to make the right decision every time he'd probably be a coach. Nothing could be more insignificant.

Trust me when I say that many people currently in the Patriots’ organization, at various levels, were equally perplexed by Belichick’s behavior.

Trust me when I say that I don't care in the slightest. There's a reason they aren't the head coach. 

Put it this way: Would Belichick have dared try that move with people like Bruschi, Harrison, Willie McGinest, Mike Vrabel and Richard Seymour on the sidelines? If he had, there might have been a full-blown incident on the sidelines – which is precisely why Belichick loved and coached those proud defenders, and why he’s doing a disservice to the Jerod Mayos and Brandon Meriweathers by not giving them the opportunity to define themselves in gut-wrenching situations like Sunday’s.

Yes, he probably would have. If Belichick is worried about Mike Vrabel punching him on the sidelines after a call, he should fucking trade Mike Vrabel to the Chiefs or something. He's not doing a disservice to Jerod Mayo. If Jerod Mayo is that sensitive, he needs to undergo counseling. Or maybe consider not allowing the Colts to put them in that position by scorching the field for 70 yards in about a minute in their previous drive. This "omg you don't trust the defense!" argument chaps my balls harder than soaking them for four hours in a bowl of Ann Coulter's taint-sweat.

Back when he trusted his defense with the game on the line, Belichick successfully preached to his players that it was all about team. Granted, he was the unquestioned authority figure, but no one – not even the coach – was bigger than the team.

He did? He never went for it on fourth down? Does that mean he didn't trust Tom Brady and the offense? When he put Vrabel in as a tight end, does that mean he didn't trust his tight ends? When he onside-kicked, does that mean he didn't trust his kick coverage? When he paid his bills online, does that mean he didn't trust his fucking mailman? This is retarded. The team should be about winning fucking games, and they would have had they gotten two yards. Doesn't the team trust Brady to pick up two yards?

By not punting on Sunday, Belichick essentially acted like he was above his players – and the fact that the decision backfired could have lasting consequences. All of those arguments in defense of Belichick which suggest that he was simply playing the odds won’t fly in the locker room, where results are the only thing that matters.

You are a fucking idiot. You are. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but you are. He didn't act like he was above his God damn's not like Belichick went out there and took the snap, or he called "Belichick Left 42" on three, or any of that stupid drivel. Fuck playing the odds! That's stupid! Results matter!

I'm sure the players have no problems with the call at all. What if it would have worked? They would have liked him? That is stupid logic. That logic is tortured. What you are doing to that logic, Mr. Silver, is in violation of the Geneva Convention.

Besides, the “odds” of converting a fourth-and-2 don’t take into account the risk, numerical and emotional, of failing in that situation. Playing Russian roulette is another example of playing the odds, and if you get away with it, bravo. But if you don’t? Well, Belichick had best hope the Patriots perform as well as he expects them to in the coming weeks and months, or he may look back on Sunday as the moment it all started to unravel.

Ahhhh. Where to start.

Ok. The odds can cover this. Here's how it works....if the odds of you converting the fourth down OR failing and then keeping the Colts out of the endzone are better than punting and keeping the Colts out of the endzone, then go for it! Who cares how emotional you are? Are the Colts robots? Are they not emotional? Could they be sad that day? Has anyone even thought to consider how sadfacey Peyton Manning was?

But the Russian Roulette do you get away with writing that as a legit point? Here are the odds that come to play here:

PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE: 1/6 chance of dying


The odds say DO NOT PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE YOU FUCKING MORON! Jeez. If the choice was between playing Russian Roulette and, say, fighting a live puma, or maybe even getting a billion dollars if you win, things may change a bit. But if all you get is the satisfaction of winning the Russian Roulette game then...why am I even bothering? Anybody with sense can see that this is retarded.

The weird thing is, neither Wyche nor Switzer let their moments of ignominy take them down. Wyche took the Bengals to the Super Bowl the following season, losing only because of Montana’s brilliant 92-yard drive in the final three-plus minutes. Switzer’s Cowboys didn’t lose again after that defeat in Philly, going on to capture their third Super Bowl title in four years.

Wow...THAT'S INSANE. One thing going wrong didn't cause them to completely collapse as NFL head coaches? Maybe because they aren't 4-year olds and no one cares if they offer sufficient respect to their defenses through their play calling or maybe because the nature of football is sometimes something works and sometimes it doesn't?

Nah. Fuck that. These guys are just weird.

Those two coaches were deservedly ripped after their decisions led to defeats, and they did something about it. My advice to Belichick is to take his punishment, rejoin the mere mortals in his midst and try to muster a similar response.

I'm sure he says "you're welcome" and then makes one of those jackoff motions in your direction.

But he isn't done. Then he offers a list of 32 bits of info about each team. Let's take a look.

1. New Orleans Saints: How scary is it that Darren Sharper’s replacement, Usama Young, had an end-zone interception in his first start?

It's not scary. Sometimes defensive backs intercept passes. I'm really not scared at all. Or...maybe the Saints are the best team ever in the NFL because Usama Young replaced Darren Sharper and intercepted a pass against the MOTHERFUCKING RAMS. Yeah. Let's go with that one.

2. Indianapolis Colts: Yo, football gods: If Jim Caldwell didn’t lose on Sunday, will he ever?

Hells no! They will never face another test as stern as a visiting 6-2 New England squad. Jim Caldwell is invincible. He should play Russian Roulette professionally.

3. Minnesota Vikings: Did anyone besides Brett Favre know Sidney Rice was this good?

The team that drafted him? The coaches? His teammates? Anyone other than Brett Favre, who probably had absolutely no idea who Sidney Rice even was when he agreed to go to Minnesota? Am I missing something here?

4. Cincinnati Bengals: With Cedric Benson enjoying a career revival and Larry Johnson apparently on his way to Cincy, is Corey Dillon next?

Uhhh....didn't Corey Dillon have to leave Cincinnati for a career revival? And from all accounts, LJ will be inactive for most of the Bengals' games. REVIVAL!

5. Pittsburgh Steelers: Is it crazy to wonder whether poor kickoff coverage could cost this team a chance to repeat?

As it's already cost them one possible game and almost another, no, it's not. Kickoff returns count for just as much as any other touchdown, regardless of the amount of emotion involved.

6. New England Patriots: Does this hairless thug who threw down an NFL Films cameraman while escorting Bill Belichick to the locker room think we live in a repressive Third World country ruled by a ruthless dictator – or does he just think the NFL is its own, sovereign nation?

That is one of the worst attempts at a joke I've ever seen. Or does he think that it is a planet in a different galaxy where ape-people eat metal and hover over lakes of milk? Or does he think he's in an Ace and Gary sketch on SNL and sitting in the passenger seat of a penis car playing solitare on an iPhone? Or is this just gay? I choose option gay.

12. Philadelphia Eagles: If a team can’t convert in short-yardage situations – no matter how much talent it features on offense – can it be considered a legitimate contender?

Not a chance. You have to go all the way back to the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers to find a championship team that couldn't convert in short-yardage situations!

15. Green Bay Packers: Was Sunday’s performance a season-saver – and, if so, what took these guys so long to crank it up?

Maybe they didn't just crank it up. Maybe week-to-week performances just kind of alternate like that. Maybe it happens to like every team. What the fuck happened to Dallas? And Pittsburgh? How'd the Colts almost lose to the 49ers at home? Why does Jay Cutler suck? Who knows.

24. Washington Redskins: After coach Jim Zorn informed him of his intention to run the creative fourth-down fake that led to a second-quarter touchdown, did designated play-caller Sherm Lewis yell, “Bingo!?”

 HAHAHAHAHAHAA SHERM LEWIS BINGO JOKES! Hey, did you guys hear? John Candy died!

I'm done. I hated everything about this column. I'm going to lie down and play some Russian Roulette.


Grumpy said...

That was real genius. Seriously.

Vern said...

Well, most of this stuff writes itself!