Thursday, November 19, 2009

Khalid Shaik Whocares

This guy. This is the guy that you are all afraid of. This guy who looks like the result of Bitch Stewie cloning Ron Jeremy. They are going to give him a trial in New York City! Oh my goodness, scene of the crime! Debates are popping up all over the place, either in favor of the move or strongly against it. What I'm disappointed in is the lack of indifference that I see. Why do people care? This is the kind of stuff that makes me want to hide all Facebook statuses.

Oh, Republicans. And don't get all up in arms, Conservatives. I'm talking Republicans. You know, the people who care whether a gay pregnant woman 1,500 miles away from them gets gay-married and then celebrates with an abortion. Repubs all over the House and Senate and TV are going absolutely nuts over this guy being captured in Pakistan and being afforded all of the rights of our Constitution (which I'm sure they all know in its entirety) even though he's Muzz. What should we do? Hand him over to the Pakistani government? Try him in Karachi? Maybe in Alaska? Russia? Alert, Nunavut, Canada? Just shoot him on the spot? Seems anti-climactic.

What if he is found innocent and set free in New York City? 

Ok. Let's ignore the fact that he's not going to be found innocent and set free. What if, hypothetically, he is. And he's set free in New York City. What's he going to do? Do you really think he's just going to walk out and go blow something up? They are just going to stab him to death, anyway. Some New Yorker will beat him to death. That's what will happen. He's not going to blow anything up. He's not going to be martyred. Why would it matter where we kill him at? His Muzz-buddies aren't going to be any more inclined to attack us due to the location of the trial. Are yinz really that worried? I can only write in question format. Gay.

Bush wouldn't have done it!

Who cares? He might have. He might not have. All I can guarantee, and trust me...this is probably the safest guarantee in this history of guarantees....if Bush were to do the same thing, 95% of people in favor of this move would all of the sudden be against it and vice versa. In a heartbeat. I know Bush kept us safe...excluding the worst terrorist attack of all-motherfucking-time, of course...but Obama has thus far as well. Could it be because the terrorist cells are too fractured right now to replicate one of the most once-in-a-blue-moon terror plots in the history of ever? Maybe Bush wasn't completely at fault for 9/11 or completely responsible for the lack of devastating attacks since? BUT HE WAS SO STRONG! I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that the President of the US has fuckall to do with terrorist activity. There are government agencies dedicated to this stuff. And none of it is affected in the slightest by the location of this douchebag's trial. They tried Zacarias Moussaui in the US under Bush's watch...who cares that he was apprehended in Minnesota? Really? That is the big difference here...where the guy was arrested? Give me a fucking break.

They are going to attack New York now!

We've been hearing for years that once a Democrat gets in office, the terrorists are just going to attack us because we are going to be too light on terror. Now we're going to get attacked because we are going to be too heavy on it. Stop turning this into a fucking Bud Light commercial. If the terrorists were really looking for reasons to be pissed off at us and attack, they could just look at how we've invaded Iraq and then...oh. Right. Al-Qaeda wasn't in Iraq. Still, you get my point. I'm sure Iraq and Afghanistan and Pakistan and Stan Musial and all of those terrorcountries are probably weiner cousins anyway.

So listen. If yinz guys are so afraid of terrorists attacking New York again because this prairie-dog looking washed-up terrorist is going to be tried there, try him here where I live. Try him in my fucking garage. I don't care. I'll even be the stenographer. Terrorists have probably forgotten who this guy was and, most importantly...terrorists don't need a reason to attack us. They don't. Allah told them to do it! If anything, this frenzy we are whipping up might remind them that, "oh yeah, guys, we forgot to attack the US!". Try him in my living room. Put a bullseye on the roof of my house while you are doing it. Advertise it in the Kabul Gazette. I can deal with your manufactured paranoia, you fucked-up Congressmen. Bring it on. We can do this anytime, Khalid.  


Grumpy said...

I love it. Turn him loose on the streets of New York. Make it pay per view; deficit solved.

johnny said...


Could we have Richard Dawson host it like in the Running Man?

Look, Sub Zero...Now...Plain Zero.

The ZaZ said...

You're on fire this week, S to the L.

Vern said...

I'd certainly watch.

Thanks, Zaz...although you are going to let everybody know that my real name isn't Vern!

johnny said...

Your name is SauL?

I thought it was Gunpowder.