Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Don't corrupt the minors!

¡You're welcome, Patrón! Anytime. I'm glad to contribute to society by not providing your alcohol to teens. Twenty year olds and little kids, fine. They can get some. But no fucking teens. NONE! Because teens should not be drinking this alcohol and they are certainly not gonna get any of it from me.

But what Patrón fails to consider here is...

If I were going to give alcohol to a teen, it sure as fuck wouldn't be Patrón. King Vladimir? Maybe. I'd consider it. MD 20/20? Good chance. I can see myself getting some MD for a 17 year old. Boone's Farm? HELL. MOTHERFUCKING. YES. Any time. Call me up. Text me right now, say "yo vern its jeff i need summa dat boones fizzy" and I'll be all like "k". And then I'll bring it to your motherfucking doorstep. So long as your parents aren't home at least. I don't need to deal with that.

Would I hit up a teen with some Schlitz? Hell yeah I would. I would get 40s of Schlitz by the case for teens. If they didn't have any Schlitz 40s, I'd get a case of Keystone Ice pounders. It's about damn time these kids learn how to pound through a case of 'Stones. I'll make them a power hour CD as well. What do you kids listen to? "Party in the USA"? Fine. Fuck it. The Florida Panthers use it as well to get fired up out on the ice (seriously), so it can't be that bad. Heyyyyy, and a Jay-Z song was on, yeahhhh, sweet song kids, ok...take out your keys and I'll show you how to shotgun these beers! Here, have a PBR! I'll certainly let you have one of those!

You kids want to have a party? I'll go pick up a keg. Yinz want Beast or Natty? I have no problem doing that. I'll go pick it up myself, no prob. Oh, you don't just want beer? You want me to get a handle of Captain Morgan 151? Jeez, kids, that's big boy stuff! Gotta be at least 19 for that, no? Ok, ok...I'll pick it up if I can. And we ain't mixin' that, we're gonna shoot it straight like men. I'll get some chasers. And I ain't getting any diet 'cause none of you motherfuckers are diabetic. What? Wait...what was that, Bernice?

You want what?


FUCK. NO. No Patrón. Are you retarded, Bernice? Who named you anyway...1927? Are you Calvin Coolidge and Amelia Earhart's jazz-era illegitimate fuckchild? Patrón? Really? You can't be serious. You know what, fuck it. Fuck this whole party. I'm not getting any alcohol for you douchebag kids anymore. Fuck you Jeff, fuck you Mark, fuck you Amanda, and FUCK YOU TOO BERNICE! God. Fuck you two times, Bernice. Right in that zit.

For real. No one in college said, "yeah man, here's 30 bucks...can you get me some Patrón?" Because that would redefine gay.


Grumpy said...

Ah, the good old days. Sixteen and drinking Boones Farm with my buddies. That shit would make you diabetic. And Strohs; loved that fire brewed flavor.

Anonymous said...

I think that liquor companies often have to deal with varying laws about how and where liquor can be advertised (it's illegal to advertise liquor on television in some states; this is why smirnoff ice exists--to get the name on the air). In some circumstances, its probably the case that under the aegis of encouraging people NOT to buy patron for teens, they ARE EFFECTIVELY advertising patron to the people of drinking age. You see that sign over the urinal or at the counter or whereever and you're like, shit, I want 5 oz of patron because its delicious and makes me feel good.