Monday, October 27, 2008

Generic Energy Drink Corner - Rockstar Punched


NOTE: Background changed to protect the innocent, who has an actual job.

Ok, every so often I get a Red Bull. You know, when I'm tired. And feel like shaking. Uncontrollably.

BUT....there is a problem here. As much as I like the taste of Red Bulls, the price has risen to close to $30/gallon at some gas stations. How the hell can Red Bull cost so much? It probably costs 6 cents a can to produce. So...just as I use generic drugs, I have began to search for generic energy drinks. Today's choice is kind of brand name, as far as non-Red Bulls go, but it still counts. Today, I worked like a Rockstar.

But not just any Rockstar. Rockstar Punched...energy + punch! Holy sweet cousin of fuck, this is going to be good. It has to! What can go wrong with energy and juice? Oh, you know, just about everything. Mixing energy and juice has proven in the past to work about as well as mixing priests and children. But...whatevs. I am willing to be a guinea pig in the name of generic energy drink science. So bring it on, Rockstar.

Let's inspect the can. Caffeine! Guarana! Ginseng! B-Vitamins! Taurine! I don't know what Taurine is, but it sounds to me like a trendy element. Like, it's atomic number would be "cool". And topping it off with tropical punch flavor? Hey, I live in the tropics, so I might like it. Even though the tropics are really only glamorous in pictures. It might taste like pondwater if it were an accurate tropical taste. Or maybe dysentery, if it's the water down in ol' Mexico. And of course, they have a cliched statement about how awesome and full of energy their energyjuice is.

"Bigger. Better. Faster. Stronger. PUNCHED is a mix of amazing tasting tropical punch packed with the powerful energy blend of Original Rockstar. Enhanced with the potent herbal blend of Guarana, Ginkgo, Ginseng and Milk Thistle, PUNCHED is scientifically formulated to provide an incredible energy boost to those who lead active and exhausting lifestyles - from athletes to rock stars. Enjoy this fully refreshing, lightly carbonated beverage super chilled. PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR."

Really? Milk Thistle? Is that even supposed to be capitalized? Do you write a sentence like "packed with Oranges!"? No. No you don't. Is Milk Thistle someone's name? Cool.

But it's scientifically formulated, which I guess is better than "randomly formulated", or "daterapingly formulated". It helps me lead an exhausting lifestyle, just like an athlete, who works 3 hours a day. I'm just assuming that most athletes drink something like Gatorade instead of energy punch, but that's just me. Also, are athletes and rockstars on opposite ends of some sort of spectrum? Because if not, there aren't too many people that would fit between them. Did they mean alphabetically? That would leave out seamstresses, but I guess that's just a risk that Rockstar was willing to take. Regardless, on with the drinking.

So, I tasted it. And it...was actually good! This stuff tasted good. This might just ruin generic energy drink corner, because the generic energy drinks are supposed to taste like horsedick. I'm going to have to find something fucking terrible next time just to keep me on top of my game. It's a gay game, but someone's gotta play it. Kind of like Quidditch.

We'll see what nasty flavors the competitors will cook up.

5 comments:

wrap around curl said...

Rock Stars are the one energy drink I can tolerate on the occasions I feel the need to consume one.

Lori said...

Question: Quidditch or curling?

Vern said...

Curling is a sport of men, as Ed Werenich, Russ Howard, or Colleen Jones would certainly tell you.

Quidditch, on the other hand, is the only sport involving 13-year old boys and brooms that isn't illegal in most states.

Julie_Gong said...

i once bonged a 16oz rockstar. i thought i was dying.

Vern said...

I can't imagine a more thorough way to declare jihad against your esophagus.