Monday, October 27, 2008

The second court-martialing of PFC Kellen Winslow


Private First Class Winslow, I am not pleased to see you back in my court again. Although you were acquitted of your most recent charges, your behavior to continually get involved in these situations is troubling.


I'm sorry, cartoon judge, but I feel like I've been disrespected again in this situation. I'm a soldier and I expect to be treated better than this.


Your honor, please listen to Private Winslow's case before...


Please, Philip...


*sighs*....please listen to The Soldier's case before passing judgment. I believe you will see that he is being mistreated again.



Thanks, Philip!


Fair enough. Go ahead.


Your honor, the Cleveland Browns officers have shown a tiresome pattern of disrespect to the soldier in question, and this instance is no different. Untrue rumors have been flying around about the soldier and the team did nothing to quiet them. The status of Kellen's illness could have been made...


Philip...


Kellen, please. We all know that you are a soldier. The status of Kellen's illness could have been made clear by the team, a team that has shown an embarrassing pattern of staph infections amongst their troops. They didn't want to look bad and it upset the soldier. The soldier's response was not untrue and was a reflection of the poor treatment he was given. The officers should have no right to suspend the soldier.


Mr. Savage?


Is somebody going to tell this retard that he's not a fucking soldier?


I AM TOO A FUCKING SOLDIER! YOU DON'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT BECAUSE I'M A SOLDIER! I'M A FUCKING SOLDIER!!!


Kellen, please! Mr. Savage, that was absolutely uncalled for.


Why am I here? Can someone please tell me why the fuck I'm here? He's a fucking tight end. He's not a soldier. Kellen, YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING SOLDIER.


ORDER!!!!

Mr. Savage, how do you respond to the charge that you unfairly suspended the soldier?


I didn't. I fairly suspended our retarded tight end for criticizing his own organization. We treat every player with the utmost respect and will not tolerate these public smears.


Mr. Savage, the suspension was unfair and you know it. The soldier has a right to say what he likes.


And we have the right to suspend him for saying it. Because he's legitimately borderline retarded.


Please, stop calling my client retarded. He's a very deep individual.


Your mom's deep.


ORDER!!! God fucking damn it, gentlemen.


PHILIP, THEY DON'T THINK I'M A SOLDIER BUT I AM!!! I'M A FUCKING SOLDIER!!!


Holy hell do you make this difficult, Kellen.

Your honor, this is simple. The league and the player's association has agreed to rules that do not allow the team to suspend...to suspend the soldier.


Awww, Philip! You called me the soldier again!


Agreed. The soldier may actually have a slight case of Downs Syndrome, but rules are rules and he cannot be suspended for this transgression.


WOOOOO!!!! I'M FREE AGAIN!!!! I'M A FUCKING SOLDIER!!!!! I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM! FUCKING! SOLDIER! HOO-RAH!!!!!!!


What the fuck has this world come to?

3 comments:

Rage said...

Kellen Fuckin Winslow is a ball-washing homosexual and the human race would be greatly improved if he and all those of his ilk were loaded in the warhead of a missile being fired at a killer comet endangering the earth...................and shit.

Rage said...

Who is the over-caucasianed guy? He looks like the killer rabbit from Monty Python's Holy Grail....were-rabbit maybe?

Vern said...

Philip? No idea. He just popped up on a Google search once.