Thursday, May 15, 2008
The court-martialing of Pfc. Kellen Winslow
Let's begin the proceedings. Private First Class Winslow, you have been charged with desertion and dereliction of duty and anything else military-ish that actually happens during these proceedings, since I am clueless. For reals. What is your troop, soldier?
I'M A SOLDIER!!! I'M A FUCKING SOLDIER!!!!! YOU DON'T PULL THAT FUCKING SHIT ON ME 'CAUSE I'M A FUCKING SOLDIERRRRRRRRRRR
Kellen, please. Your honor, please refer all questions for my client to me.
*whispers* but I'm a fucking soldier, Philip */whispers*
I know, Kellen. I know.
Your honor, Private Winslow is a member of the Cleveland Browns troop, offensive unit, where he is stationed as a tight end. Why are you a caricature, if I may ask?
This is all I could find on Google images.
Mr. Savage, was Private Winslow given permission to skip this voluntary minicamp that he has not made himself present at?
Absolutely not. Why the fuck am I even here? Does he realize that he isn't a real soldier?
Objection! My client believing he is a soldier is not hurting anybody, nor is it relevant to this case.
It's absolutely relevant, we are at a court martial proceeding. Look, Kellen, we aren't renewing your deal. We've already shown a great deal of faith in guaranteeing your previous contract in light of your various misdeeds. Remember how you laid on the concrete like a broad after your motorcycle accident?
THE SOLDIER WILL NOT FUCKING RE-UP WITHOUT A NEW FUCKING CONTRACT!!! I'M THE ONLY FUCKING SOLDIER ON YOUR FUCKING TEAM! I'M FROM THE U, BABY!!! THE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Kellen, please. Mr. Savage, we appreciate what you have done for my client, however, this is a business, and it just so happens that my client has performed at a level higher than any other tight end in any other offensive troop unit, and he's only getting better. The soldier is still young, and that's just how it works.
Awww, thank you Philip, you called me The Soldier.
Listen, he signed his name on the contract. No one forced him to do so. We bent over backwards for him in the past, and we are not going to do it again. We'd like to see another good year and continued good behavior. And in the meantime, you have to show the fuck up.
It's voluntary. He doesn't really have to show up, technically.
Your mom is voluntary.
ORDER!!!! I will not tolerate any more of this.
Your honor, you know what comes up with the second hit when you Google search for "court martial"? Check it out.
Baby, you gotta meet up with The Soldier.
This is ridiculous. I've heard enough. I'm sorry, but these minicamps are not mandatory, and therefore the soldier in question has not done anything for which he has incurred a violation. There will be no further discipline. Case dismissed. Do they even say that in a court martialing?
FREEDOM!!!!! Y'ALL CAN SUCK MY FREE DICK!!!! I'M A FUCKING SOLDIER!!!!!
Will we be serving refreshments?