Thursday, May 1, 2008

Breaking down the Candidates

The uninformed masses need some help. And I'm here to deliver it. Like DMX.

First, let's get a general breakdown of our potential candidates.

HUCK! Sorry, Huck. Sure, you aren't fat anymore. But you've already lost. And that's because...well, because he is gay. GAY FOR JESUS!!!!

Obama! He's black. Sure, just part black, but any black is too black.

Hillary? She's a fucking woman! The Oval Office is not a kitchen.

That leaves McCain. Sorry, people. McCain is old. Old as fuck, even. He's old enough to be Strom Thurmond's grandson.

We need a young white guy in the race. Who could that possibly be?

Unfortunately, he was cast aside after it was made known that he drives a Prius and gets over 40 mpg. Mainly because in a Prius, those are some gay ass miles.

So what does this mean? Well, this sets us up for a thrilling battle of the prejudices. Who do we hate less? Will we find out that people are as afraid of a black man ascending to the highest position in the land, a throne from which he will surely use his power to fuck all da white women? Or are ageists more prevalent than statistics show? Or do we think that what this country needs is a good sandwich? Only time will tell. Sweet, fuckable time.

Huckabee was paralyzed early in the process, after being thrown from the Jesus Horse that he attempted to ride into the presidency. On the other side, Hillary is reeling and angered at the reality that she is the only white woman that Barack does not actually want to fuck. Still, a convincing choice has not been made, as poor women have gone lesbian for Hillary, after sucking off Bill a decade earlier. Reverend Wright did not help matters for Obama recently, as race has made this race exciting. And by exciting, I mean gay as fuck.

So vote for Evgeni Malkin.

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