DON'T MAKE BAD INVESTMENTS!!!

The lady (or effeminate man) in this picture cannot be the only person around with $89 burning a hole in their pockets. I imagine some of you are in the same position. Well, don't fall victim to the same poor investment practices that are ass raping everybody else in the market. Let's go through some things that you should not be investing in.


SCISSORS!

Don't invest in scissors! It's 2008, people, and as we progress towards a paperless society, the only people the will be left out in the cold before paper manufacturers are scissor manufacturers. The scissors sector has already begun to see minor losses, but expect that to just be the tip of the iceberg. Ha. I said just the tip.

Paper may still play a minor role in the future, but you can guaran-damn-tee yourselves that scissors won't. Seriously, if there isn't too much paper floating around, how many people do you think are going to be cutting it into various shapes? And the luxury scissors divisions? Yeah. Right. TOAST. People will be scraping by on old scissors for most of the foreseeable future and we'll be lucky if the climate is decent enough for one scissor manufacturer to beat the others and stick around to handle the dwindling scissor demand.

So, please, do not invest in the scissors market.


WIZARDRY

Please, people, stay out of wizardry. Sure, it may have been big at one point. But don't fall back on the feeling that magic and the coolness of wizard robes will always be around to stay. The economy has been hitting wizards harder than most, and thus they cannot afford to use their wands and cast a spell to right their financial ship.

Wizardry has always been a niche market, and very few wizards-in-training these days are finding both the time and the effort necessary to work a second job in order to support their wizardry. Thus, very few of these guys are able to make Full Wizard unless they come from a wealthy family of wizards that was willing to invest in them.

And, please, don't be swayed by the Wizards for Obama movement. This hollow message is just an attempt by wizards to sway people into making investments, as neither an Obama nor a McCain presidency is going to do anything positive for their craft.


Don't believe the hype, people.


THE STOCK MARKET IN GENERAL

Avoid things like "stocks", and "funds", and anything else of the sort. You'll probably lose more money investing in them than you would in both scissors and wizardry combined. The market has shown how it reacts to adversity, and the overwhelming response is curl up in a fetal position. The Dow Jones index has recently been laying all over Wall Street like a broad. And you don't invest in anything that lays anywhere like a broad. But you know that, right?

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But don't get down on the economy, there are plenty of places you can put your money that should not only be safe, but could also be hugely profitable. Let's look at a few of these.


JEANS

Jeans are making a big time comeback here. Jeans are cool again. Have you seen the Brett Favre Wrangler commercials? Athletic jeans! Jeans aren't just for rodeos anymore. All kind of athletes are wearing jeans in sport these days...not just Favre.







So there you have it. Invest in jeans.


MANATEES

These fat fucking sea cows...as more people catch on to the benefits of mass manatee rape, we will have more manatee products available in the market.

Manatee flavored popsicles!

Manatee sandwiches!

Decorative manatees!

The interior of this car?


STRAIGHT MANATEE SEATS, PLAYER!


So, to beat Joe Hedgefunds this season, you know what to do. Take your money out of scissors, wizardry, and the stock market, and throw it all into jeans and manatees. It's failproof, yo.