NFL calendars

There's not a big market for calendars anymore since, you know, everything electronic these days tells you exactly what the current date is. Phones, computers, electronic tracking bracelets, etc.

But there's something to be said for a calendar that really expresses the current time of the year through it's pictures. And who better to release one than the NFL? I'd like to pitch an NFL theme calendar to the head honchos at the league. Goodell, you can even have the cover.

And yes, I get that these aren't all 2009 calendars in the pictures. Suck it.



JANUARY: LT on the sidelines

What says January more than Playoffs? Nothing. And there's certainly nothing that says playoffs more than a shot of Chargers superstar Ladainian Tomlinson on the sidelines nursing the latest injury that will keep him from doing anything meaningful in the postseason. I'm pumped up already!!!! This one will have me crossing off the days in red marker in anticipation of the Super Bowl steadily approaching.



FEBRUARY: Black head coaches

As the Super Bowl usually takes place at the beginning of the month, let's just associate it with the January picture. More important is the NFL's recognizance of Black History Month through display of their ever-increasing number of black head coaches, as the league desperately enacts measures so as not to appear as a bunch of cross-burning racists. Black head coaches can do unintelligible rant just as artfully as white head coaches, as evidenced by Denny Green's "Crown Their Ass!" masterpiece. They can also fuck up basic game management decisions just as well as their white counterparts.



MARCH: Bengal getting DUI

You may think that the offseason just started and some players may have just been loosening up a bit too much. Well, the Bengals offseason has usually been underway for quite some time by March, which is usually about the time of the first alcohol-related legal offense by one of their players. This should serve to convey not only that the offseason is upon us, but also that football is still in the air and the draft will be coming shortly.



APRIL: Disgruntled Belichick apologizing for cheating

Ahhh, April! The draft is in the air. Kiper won't shut the fuck up. Chris Berman ratchets up the annoyance meter to here-to-unforseen levels of kill yourself. So you don't want to see a picture of their grimy mugs. But what can keep you excited for the draft? Right! A picture of Bill Belichick apologizing to the world for his latest form of cheating and being slapped on the wrist by the league when they strip one of his draft picks. Shame on you, Billy! Now you can't draft Curtis Painter in the fourth round!



MAY: Naked Steeler

After the draft is the worst time of the football year, as nothing really happens at all. No more draft to look forward to, no free agent signing until June...but there is one thing that the NFL has consistently provided over the past few offseasons, and that is random pictures of Steeler cock ending up all over the internets. First was Jeff Reed, second was Santonio Holmes. Who is going to step up this year? Could it be Ike Taylor? Matt Spaeth? Casey "Big Snack" Hampton? The suspense is killing me!



JUNE: Dan Snyder throws huge money at washed-up free agent

Ahhh, the Redskins, so doomed for a salary-cap hell that Pat Robertson wouldn't even be able to save them. Every year free agency begins and every year the Redskins rush at the latest flavor of the month with a wad of cash so big it could fill Peyton Manning's helmet. And every year the Redskins fans get their hopes up only to have them crushed like a vicodin on Brett Favre's coffee table. Speaking of Brett Favre....



JULY: Brett Favre retires

In July, the NFL will chose to celebrate the career of one of its most identifiable players, Packers QB Brett Favre. Brett, the all-time NFL passing yards, passing TDs, interceptions and pain-killer usage record leader, will ride off into the sunset after one of the more storied careers in NFL history. Favre will always endure a god-like reverance in the town of Green Bay, a town full of die-hard fans of the team that he returned to its historic prominence. Brett Favre will always be remembered for putting Green Bay back on the map.



AUGUST: Brett Favre un-retires

Apparently bored with his new life of farming and taking painkillers, Brett Favre decides to come back to the game he loves and still to this day plays like a little kid. A bidding war amongst teams desperate to kill their locker room with an interception-prone impersonable gunslinger breaks out and Favre heads to Miami to do what Marino never could...throw more interceptions than touchdowns in a single season. This will really get people fired up for training camp.



SEPTEMBER: Dallas dominance

Nothing says September like the Cowboys running through an easy early-season schedule and the media talking Super Bowl. T.O. getting his act together, Tony Romo throwing 4 touchdowns a game, the defense playing stout...all of this causes Cowboys fans to get drunk on hope before ultimately getting fucked in the end, just like a 17-year old girl at Mark Chmura's house. If the Cowboys are America's team, then September is certainly America's month.



OCTOBER: Disgruntled Lions fans

Lions fans complaining again? Fire the whole front office! Cut Orlovsky! Fire Millen again! It must be October. Likely mathematically eliminated at this point, Lions fans have watched their team sputter along for the past few years barely showing so much as a spark, so it's hard to blame them. It will be interesting to see if this team can actually reach maximum ineptitude.



NOVEMBER: Vince Young sulking on the sidelines

We're halfway through the season! That means Sadface Young must have quit by now, right? Absolutely. Just don't forget to keep up with your marker, checking off the days as they pass. Just because Vince Young would just say "fuck it" doesn't mean that you should, too.



DECEMBER: Fired head coaches

It's December, the playoff picture is being finalized, and everyone is gearing up for the playoffs. At least, they are if they made it. If not, they probably fixed that glaring O-Line and secondary problem by...firing their head coach. Hey, it's easier to change one guy than 55 guys, right? And no, don't answer that question if you've ever starred in a gangbang.

I'd probably buy a calendar like that. Get on it, NFL!

Nobody plays pickup football in jeans

Nobody. Not me, not anybody I've ever played with, not anybody. No one plays pickup football in jeans. You would be laughed off the field. And then if you came back you'd get picked last. Because you are wearing jeans.

Why doesn't Levi's come back with a commercial featuring Hakeem Olajuwon playing pickup basketball in jeans? Or maybe Teemu Selanne at a skatearound in jeans? Why? Because it would be patently ridiculous? Probably. I hated Bert Favre even before he started playing pickup games in jeans and throwing bad throws to uncovered receivers on the commercial (at least he made the right read this time). But after the Wrangler commercials I hate him even more, just for the simple fact that this moron thinks it's ok to play pickup football in jeans.

Because it's not. Not at all.

I would quit the game if I was the only one in it not wearing jeans. I would seriously just walk off the field with a quizzical look on my face as to why the rest of these morons showed up to play a football game all wearing Wrangler jeans and just sit there and reflect on what the hell happened to my life. If Wranger jeans are so comfortable, Bert, why don't you play in the them in a real game?


Oh, because you would look like an idiot. And the NFL would fine you. And on the fine letter you get, there would be some LOLs thrown in there. Like,


Dear Bert, I regret to inform you that the NFL has made a decision to fine you $10,000 for a violation of the uniform code in last week's game against the Dolphins in which you threw like 5 interceptions. The reason we are doing this is because you wore fucking jeans. You fucking moron lol. Please remit payment to the NFL addressed to "the NFL" and on the subject line of the check write "for wearing jeans like a dumbass" lol. Wtf were you thinking, retard? Lol, Sheriff Roger Goodell


No one else does this. Michael Jordan didn't dunk around in jeans.


Unless that was the inspiration for Jordache. No one plays hockey in jeans.


Manny Ramirez doesn't wear jeans.


George Washington didn't discover Greenland in jeans.


Barbaro didn't break his horseleg in horsejeans.


So who the hell does Bert Favre think he is getting off on wearing jeans to play football?

Until this situation is rectified, I plan on founding the "Fuck the Polar Bears" fund in Wrangler's name. Every dollar you donate will go towards making life even worse for the starving polar bears who's glaciers are melting (cry me a fucking river, polar bears). I will personally transport the money, while wearing Wrangler jeans, in a denim-colored Ford Taurus, to wherever I can use it to fuck up polar bear life. I might make the trek up to Nunavut myself to fuck the polar bears. Because fuck them, that's why.

Is that what you want to make possible, Wrangler? Because that is what's going to happen if you don't stop showing people playing football in jeans.

Brett Favre is CHILDLIKE out there

And welcome back to NFL Sunday Night Football on ESPN. Before we get into tonight's game in Minnesota, let's discuss some earlier games, specifically the Jets losing at home to Denver, seriously handicapping their chances at a first round playoff bye. Coach?


I know they lost the game Boom but jeez, did you see Brett Favre out there? He was still flingin' and wingin' it all game. He kept them in a game that they wouldn't have otherwise been in. And the thing that impresses me most is his demeanor...no matter what the score is out there, he's still running around on that field like a damn lost child. He's childlike. He's a kid out there, you know, a kid that makes $12 million to throw the ball wherever the hell he pleases.


But Coach, they lost 38-17! Does it really matter how much of a kid Brett Favre is when he's forcing throws into quintuple coverage? I hadn't even seen quintuple coverage before until Brett Favre managed to find it.


(mimicking Keyshawn Johnson)

*But coach, they lost 38-17 mee mee mee mee mee*

Doesn't matter! That's the problem with the players nowadays, they aren't players like we used to be back in the old days. Watch Brett Favre out on the field! I don't care about stats, stats be damned! The fact is that he was so childlike it was like he was sucking on his mom's tits out there!


Coach, don't you think that's taking it too far?


Not at all! Brett Favre plays football like he's got tits in his mouth, pure and simple. We all used to play like we had tits in our mouths back in my day. What this league needs is more players like Favre playing like they have tits in their mouths!


I'm with Coach Ditka here, Favre is running around on that football field like he's in 2nd grade. Seriously, it's like watching a 6'2" second grader playing football, you know, the way he just slings the ball, runs around with a smile on his face, and barely has any grasp at all on what the team is trying to do offensively. And look at what it's gotten them...the Jets are 8-4 even with this loss and primed to win the AFC East division, an outcome that we thought rather unlikely at the beginning when we first started blowing Favre on this show.


I'd blow him right now! It's like they took a premature birth infant and put a Jets uniform on him! He's just happy to be on the field, guys. He's like a damn fetus out there!


Well, as you guys know, I played against Brett Favre for about 35 years....

*rest of studio laughs at stupid jokes*

...ha, so I know a bit about him, and I gotta go with Coach Ditka on this one.


You gotta be kidding me, Cris!


Key, I don't know if you played against Favre, but you gotta trust me on this one. The tits in the mouth stuff is dead accurate. Yeah, he's a fetus out there on that field. He's not even playing for the money, just for the love of the game. He's like a partial birth abortion on that football field.


I'd suck his dick right now if he were in the studio. And not even just figuratively!

*studio laughs at stupid joke*


Heh heh, yeah we'd all probably suck his dick.

Let's go to Mort, live from a midget league football game. Mort?


Thanks, Chris.

I'm here in Athens, GA watching the Athens Tigerfalcons take on the Arnoldsville Lioncats. It's a bit of a barnburner right now with Arnoldsville taking a surprising 12-6 lead, as neither team has been able to kick an extra point. I see a lot of Favre in Lioncats 8-year old QB Tommy Hanson, who is currently 1-8 passing for 3 yards and 2 picks.


More like a lot of Tommy Hanson in Brett Favre, eh Mort?

*studio laughs at stupid joke*


Ha, I'd say, Boomer. As you just saw, Hanson just ran right on a play that was supposed to go left and got sacked for a 6 yard loss by about 4 Tigerfalcon defenders, but he hopped right back up and he's ready to go call another play. It's so fucking cute. That was a Brett Favre type play that we all just saw.


Vintage Brett Favre, Mort. Or is it vintage Tommy Hanson?

*studio laughs at stupid joke*


Tommy Hanson probably had tits in his mouth right before the game!


I just got word that Mort went over to the maternity ward at the local hospital. Mort?



Thanks, Chris. I'm here at the Athens Women's Hospital maternity ward, right down the street from the game. You can see this room full of children behind me, all sleeping in there like a bunch of kids.


That's just so Brett Favre.


Sure is. Imagine how many tits were just in those kids' mouths! Probably at least 20 sets of tits just in the past hour alone!


I'm being told by the nurse that the official count in the past hour is actually 23 pairs of tits.


Holy smokes, 23 pairs of tits! That's old school right there. That's Brett Favre. He's just a damn kid out there, guys!



Such a kid out there, Coach.



Most childlike player in the game today.


Let's go back to Mort. Mort?


Thanks, guys. I'm currently in the home locker room at the Meadowlands. After the game, I managed to catch up with Brett Favre and actually physically blow him in the shower.


What did his dick taste like?


You've got to be kidding me.



Kind of like dreams, coach. I think I tasted some pine in there as well. Very manly.


Wow, Mort, great job. I think we can all say we are jealous of you right now.


Oh, don't worry Boom, you'll get your chance if you want it. Brett seemed to have no problem being blown by a member of the media, and I passed on you guys' regards. And I'll tell you what, he was like a kid when I was blowing him. Like a child, the way he just stood there in the locker room blushing while I was blowing him and complimenting his penis. A lot of "oh shucks" and "gee whiz" and "thanks, Mort". The guy is childlike, plain and simple. Back to you guys.


Thanks and once again, great work Mort.



I told you guys!


I believed you, Coach!



I think we all did, Cris.

Alright, we're gonna go to commercial break and hope Mort gets back to us with the sperm analysis results from the lab when we come back. I'm sure they are going to be impressive. Stay tuned.