Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Nobody plays pickup football in jeans

Nobody. Not me, not anybody I've ever played with, not anybody. No one plays pickup football in jeans. You would be laughed off the field. And then if you came back you'd get picked last. Because you are wearing jeans.

Why doesn't Levi's come back with a commercial featuring Hakeem Olajuwon playing pickup basketball in jeans? Or maybe Teemu Selanne at a skatearound in jeans? Why? Because it would be patently ridiculous? Probably. I hated Bert Favre even before he started playing pickup games in jeans and throwing bad throws to uncovered receivers on the commercial (at least he made the right read this time). But after the Wrangler commercials I hate him even more, just for the simple fact that this moron thinks it's ok to play pickup football in jeans.

Because it's not. Not at all.

I would quit the game if I was the only one in it not wearing jeans. I would seriously just walk off the field with a quizzical look on my face as to why the rest of these morons showed up to play a football game all wearing Wrangler jeans and just sit there and reflect on what the hell happened to my life. If Wranger jeans are so comfortable, Bert, why don't you play in the them in a real game?

Oh, because you would look like an idiot. And the NFL would fine you. And on the fine letter you get, there would be some LOLs thrown in there. Like,

Dear Bert, I regret to inform you that the NFL has made a decision to fine you $10,000 for a violation of the uniform code in last week's game against the Dolphins in which you threw like 5 interceptions. The reason we are doing this is because you wore fucking jeans. You fucking moron lol. Please remit payment to the NFL addressed to "the NFL" and on the subject line of the check write "for wearing jeans like a dumbass" lol. Wtf were you thinking, retard? Lol, Sheriff Roger Goodell

No one else does this. Michael Jordan didn't dunk around in jeans.

Unless that was the inspiration for Jordache. No one plays hockey in jeans.

Manny Ramirez doesn't wear jeans.

George Washington didn't discover Greenland in jeans.

Barbaro didn't break his horseleg in horsejeans.

So who the hell does Bert Favre think he is getting off on wearing jeans to play football?

Until this situation is rectified, I plan on founding the "Fuck the Polar Bears" fund in Wrangler's name. Every dollar you donate will go towards making life even worse for the starving polar bears who's glaciers are melting (cry me a fucking river, polar bears). I will personally transport the money, while wearing Wrangler jeans, in a denim-colored Ford Taurus, to wherever I can use it to fuck up polar bear life. I might make the trek up to Nunavut myself to fuck the polar bears. Because fuck them, that's why.

Is that what you want to make possible, Wrangler? Because that is what's going to happen if you don't stop showing people playing football in jeans.


Get Fresh Designs said...

fucking classic.

I love the photoshops and the letter to Bert from the NFL.

Thanks for the laughs.

Anonymous said...

Vern, I don't think you fully understand the subtle complexities of this ad campaign. It's not that they're playing pickup football in jeans. It's that they're hanging around in their Real. Comfortable. Jeans. and they decide to play a game of pickup football. Being as how they're rugged, spontaneous types, no one takes the time to change. How – and I don't want to say gay here, but – gay would it be if, in the context of the ad, Bert suggested to his buddies a game of pickup football, and the guys were all, "great idea Bert. You get to be quarterback. Just let us go change, please," and then five minutes later they come back in full under armour? The point is, Bert (and rugged, spontaneous types like Bert) are COMFORTABLE in Wrangler. That means they are comfortable doing anything in Wrangler, from playing pickup football to, oh, I dunno, nailing objects down or fuckin, regrouting the bathroom or whatever.
-Claire Chennault, Head Editor in Charge

Rage said...

Oh Vern, I've seen most of these 'shops before. Are you getting redundant and repetitive in saying the same things over and over?
Just sayin

eyebleaf said...

Oddly, the jeans really do suit Ramirez...