Monday, December 22, 2008


Wow, Coach'd you get Coolio to make pasta salad?

First, perspective. One of the 10 best football players in history died the other day in Texas. It's important you know about him. There will be no forgetting Slingin' Sammy Baugh in this column. No sir.

You are so smart at football! Please tell me about Sammy Baugh...pleeeeeeeease!

He had the best year a football player ever had, and there can be no possible argument on that from any Jim Brown fan, any Walter Payton fan, any Unitas, Montana, Marino, Brady, Butkus or Lawrence Taylor fan. Sixty-five years ago, in 1943, on a Redskins team with shrunken 28-man rosters because of the great war...

Three score and 5 years ago, during an incredible battle, Sammy Baugh draft-dodged his way into the best football year ever against similarly depleted rosters. Surely no Dan Marino fan can argue with this.

On Thursday night against the Jaguars, Peyton Manning, who knew Baugh from a photo shoot in the nineties (See page 5), wore a wristband with "SB 33'' on it -- Baugh's initials, and his number with the Washington Redskins -- and had the best game of his season.

Wow, it's like Sammy was guiding his passes! This is no coincidence. Similarly, I suggest that a Jets fan kill Brett Favre's mother before the must-win game against the Dolphins this week. We know Brett plays well after the death of a parent.

Sandwiched by winning games from the Manning brothers, Week 16 had it all...

I seriously hope you choke to death on the Manning brothers.

Tennessee 31, Pittsburgh 14. The score is surprising enough, seeing that the Steelers had been playing like the '65 Packers.

Ahhh, those gritty '65 Packers. I have no idea what they played like.

But my favorite thing of Week 16 is what it leads to: the ultimate revenge game, from the most gentlemanly NFL player of our time, Chad Pennington.

You are always talking to the nicest gentleman or most caring player ever or the smiliest ball of NFL sunshine and whatnot and every time, it just gets gayer. No one outgays Peter King. You can open up a gay bar call the "Flaccid Cock" and serve appletinis out of dick-shaped shot glasses and encourage all of the patrons to wrap their penises together on the dance floor while having Melissa Ethridge karaoke a George Michael song while fingerbanging Ellen Degeneres and Peter King would still be able to double the gayness if he wrote his column there.

Miami (10-5) needs to win at the 9-6 Jets on Sunday for the strangest division title in its history. Strange, because Miami was 1-15 last year, and because the Jets had this division copped a month ago after they won at New England and Tennessee in successive weeks, and because the Jets have lost four straight games -- games they were favored to win.

Holy strangejazz, that's the strangest piece of strange that ever stranged!!!! I think if the Dolphins win this game, they should play "Strangers in the Night" in the locker room after the game! So strange that an NFL team was able to rebound after a bad year and that another NFL team lost games that they were favored in! I can't believe a Brett Favre-led team collapsed due to poor QB play! They had the division copped! That doesn't even make sense!

I'll tell you the most amazing thing: In the last week or so, I've actually heard callers to New York sports-talk radio saying they wish they had Pennington back. Instead of Favre.

No way, in New York? The same place where they want to get rid of A-Rod and bring Scott Brosius back? They want to get the QB they had last year back because he's better than the one they have this year? You're kidding!

The Dolphins went 60 yards in five plays to tie it, and in the fourth quarter, Pennington went seven-of-seven on a 13-play, 85-yard drive covering more than eight minutes. His 14-yard pass to new BFF Anthony Fasano (Pennington, in New York, and Fasano, in Dallas, were both drafted by Bill Parcells) made it 38-31. Only in the NFL.

Only in the NFL can a player complete all of his passes on a single drive. Only in the NFL.

Only in the NFL. Now Pennington, making a late run at the MVP, plays the game of his life. I was surprised the NFL made Denver-San Diego the prime time game in Week 17 for NBC. Miami-New York, and Pennington-Favre, is the game of the week.

That's really only true if you want to sample the jizz of Pennington to see if it matches that southern tang that Brett Favre's had. San Diego-Denver is also for the playoffs, and features a QB who might actually be the MVP against another good young QB. doesn't have Chad Pennington returning home to play against real. comfortable. jeans.

Only in the NFL.

No wonder Tennessee wins every year. The Titans have the best defensive depth in recent NFL history.

What? What's that have to do with last year? Or every year, for that matter? Do they win every year? Tennessee just won the year! I thought it was because Vince Young just wins years.

I'd like to see another rock-ribbed Baltimore-Tennessee, or Baltimore-Pittsburgh game...

Rock-ribbed? Why do you do this to the English language? It's crying, Peter. It's like you just knocked it up, and now you are telling it that you don't love it and you are pressuring it to get an abortion. And it's only 16 years old. That's what the English language feels like after you are done with it.

And if Brandon Jacobs is dressed, they can run.

If Brandon Jacobs is standing on the sidelines naked with his cock hanging out, they might not be able to run the counter-trap effectively.

Underrated factor of the weekend -- and in no way am I saying this won the game: Friday night, at the Ravens' team meeting in their Dallas hotel, director of player program O.J. Brigance, a special-teamer on the Ravens' Super Bowl team eight years ago and now suffering from Lou Gehrig's Disease, gave the team a pep talk. He's a beloved figure on the team, and this no doubt juiced the guys for Saturday's game.

Now I'm not saying this mattered, but check out how this mattered.

8. Atlanta (10-5). How could you not feel good for Thomas Dimitroff and Mike Smith when they embraced after the Falcons clinched a playoff spot in Minnesota. Dimitroff's the architect of these rebuilt Falcons, and Smith is the coach, the guy who keeps things fresh and has built a great staff. No one heard of them in Atlanta 11 months ago, but I'm betting they won't be buying the Heineken Lights on Peachtree Street for a long, long time. They won't have to.

Holy fuck, IS THAT THOMAS DIMITROFF!?!?!?! Bartender, get that man a Corona Light!

9. Miami (10-5). You don't win eight of nine in the NFL by luck. If the Fish can beat the Jets, they'll be a tough out for anyone in the playoffs.

Nope. But you do get a ridiculously easy schedule by luck. The Dolphins are going to get massacred in the playoffs.

Sam Koch, P, Baltimore. Guts of a burglar, and a pretty good leg, too.

Sam Koch. Courage of a convicted sex offender. Valor of a rapist. Heart of a cross-burning KKK arsonist. Oh, and he can kick the fuck out of the ball, too.

Much later in life, Luckman said Baugh was the greatest player of all time. I don't think versatility makes one the best who ever lived, but I do believe this: He's in the argument.

You just argued at the beginning that versatility made his 1943 season unquestionably the greatest in NFL history. Remember that? It was like 20 minutes ago.

a. Penn State is insane. A three-year contract extension for an 82-year-old coach who has had recent health problems? Why is there no one at this august institution who can tell a man whom the school isn't positive can even STAND on the sideline every week that it's time to step down? Can anyone who bleeds Nittany blue honestly tell me Paterno has the energy to out-recruit coaches 40 years his junior for the best football players in the country?

No, I don't, but you obviously have no idea what you are talking about. Paterno is a figurehead. He doesn't do anything important. But they can't fire him. They just can't.

i. Bruce Gradkowski must have been born under a lucky star. Looks like he'll get the final start of the year under center for the luckless and injury-ravaged Browns, with Ken Dorsey nursing a concussion and bruised ribs. Nice reward, playing at Pittsburgh with the Steelers angry after a stinker at Tennessee.

How unlucky this guy is, to be that bad at QB and still get to start an NFL game for a terrible team. And the Steelers are going to be so angry that they lost to Tennessee that they are going to be pumped up to rest all of their players in this meaningless game. James Harrison is going to be SO PISSED that I could totally see him yelling something from the sidelines.

2. I think Roethlisberger had better do something about the way he carries the ball in and out of the pocket.

I think Ben Roethlisberger should stop fumbling the ball. I think it's bad for a team's offense to fumble the ball all the time.

Said Harrington, who always did have a good sense of humor while with Detroit: "It's weird to think I was here in the hey-day.''

The hey-day? Really? He's such a Reb-Bell.

a. Notice who made the key block to pick up the blitzing Indy safety on Jacksonville's first-quarter touchdown pass to Dennis Northcutt? Maurice Jones-Drew.

Wow, a running back picked up a blitzer?

You know who caught Issac Bruce's 1,000th career reception? Issac Bruce.

You know who kidnapped and murdered Jon-Benet Ramsey? John-Mark Karr.

You know who released "Hustlenomics" at the beginning of the year? Young Joc.

h. Reggie Corner, a corner, jumped high to break up a catchable pass from Jay Cutler to Brandon Stokley that would have sent Buffalo-Denver to overtime.

Jay Cutler, a quarterback, threw the pass in question. Brandon Stokely, a receiver, was the target of this pass. Denver, a city, hosted this football game. Feline AIDS, a disease, affects 2.5% of cats in the United States.

k. Jerry Jones must be wearing or carrying a four-leaf clover. You've got life, Jerry.

We, the experts, surmised that you would have to go 3-1 to make the playoffs, Jerry. Instead, you are only going to have to go 2-2! It's a Festivus miracle!

l. The Patriots played so well Sunday, and were so prepared to run and throw in any weather. If they don't make the playoffs, a lot of AFC teams will be happy.

The AFC teams will be soooo happy. It takes tremendous mental and physical strength to beat a bad Arizona team in the snow.

a. Are you kidding me, Miles Austin?

Are you pissing on my fucking face, Miles Austin? Are you seriously sitting there, with your dick out, pissing on my face like I'm not going to be upset? Are you actually standing there watching the piss run down my face with a blank emotionless glare, Miles? Are you fucking joking with me?

b. Blitz pickup, Dallas. When you play Baltimore, the game's about blitz pickup.

Yes, Dallas. Take it from Peter King. This sitting there and deciding to allow blitzers free reign to run in and destroy your quarterback is not smart football.

g. Brian Westbrook has fallen off the MVP radar, hasn't he?

That's insane, because just last week you wanted to put him in the Hall of Fame.

e. Coffeenerdness: Tea this week. Lots of it. Loading up on the Bigelow Green Team with Pomegranate, for whatever health benefit I can get. I need it. (Who am I? Simms? Torre? Francona? Some tea-pusher?)

Remember how Peter King going into the jizzfest in the gay bar pushed it to max gayness? Check that. This right here is absolute maximum gayness. You honestly cannot get any gayer than this, no matter how many cocks you have whipping you in the face in the bathroom during a Broadway musical.

h. I'd love to have Mark Teixeira on my team. But at what price? Scott Boras is brilliant at creating leverage, but just because he creates it, it doesn't mean a baseball team has to knuckle under to it. Life goes on.

You mean teams aren't actually going to be forced to sign Mark Teixeira? No way!

i. I want to be in the room when Teixeira signs with Washington and looks at Boras and says: "Are you kidding me? You've sentenced me to play for the Washington National for the rest of my career?''

You know, Teixeira doesn't have to sign with Washington if he doesn't want to. He can like, say no, I don't want to play for Washington. You know this, right? You don't? Oh. Sorry.

a. Sat next to Rodney Harrison at the "Costas Now'' 2008-sports-year-in-review show the other night in New York. When Tiger Woods appeared on a satellite hookup to talk with Costas and Rocco Mediate about the '08 U.S. Open, and then about how he was more excited than ever about resuming his career, Harrison leaned over to Osi Umenyiora, sitting next to him, and said, "Look at Tiger! He's still hungry!''

Only in the NFL.


tecmo said...

Hahaha Scott Brosius. So glad I live in NYC now.

Symo said...

Yep, looks like you'll have plenty of material to work with on Monday mornings, lol...

Symo said...

"No one outgays Peter King"... That paragraph made me spit my beer all over my keyboard. F*cking riot. Thanks!