Monday, December 8, 2008
I hate bathroom attendants
Hate. Hatehatehate. I want to punch all of them square in their lives. RIGHT IN YOUR LIFE! That's where I want to punch bathroom attendants. HATE. Hate. If you turned my hatred into a form of cancer, you wouldn't possibly be able to sell enough Livestrong bracelets to cure it. It wouldn't even be worth trying.
I've wanted to address this subject in the past, but always forgot since I usually only see bathroom attendants on weekends, and I don't write blog posts on weekends. Fuck that. And last Friday I saw one again, and now I just remembered about it. I was at an Irish Pub in Miami, one we hadn't gone to before. And it happened to be a Mexican high school reunion. We were the only gringos in attendance, and the only ones without name tags. "Hey, what year were you!?!?!"...don't worry about it, lady. I'm old enough to fuck your daughter. How's that? That's how fucking old I am. Go back to salsa dancing.
So, while there, I head to the bathroom to find a God damn bathroom attendant in the small cramped ass bathroom of a motherbanging IRISH PUB. I'm not at some club. I'm not making it rain with Lil' Weezy down at Mansion. I'm at Random O'Jockstraps Irish Pub on some backstreet right next to hood Miami. Places where all of the houses have windows guarded by bars made out of enriched Uranium. There should not be a bathroom attendant here. I CAN HOLD MY OWN PENIS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. That's what I'm going to do next time I see a bathroom attendant. I'm going to pull my penis out and say "hey, bathroom attendant, can you hold this for me? I obviously can't do it myself, which is why you are here. I'll tip you a dollar". Is that why I hate it? Mostly. Call me cheap, but I don't want to tip some guy because he squeezed some soap into my hands. I can do that myself. Really. You can place a soap holder thing on the wall, fill it with liquid soap, and just leave it there. I'll come in and I'll touch the button and get my own soap out. It's not that hard. There is no need for a middle man in this transaction...really.
I've never seen a bathroom attendant and been glad that he was there. I've never gone into the bathroom like "God, I hope some bathroom attendant in a suit is sitting in there because I really need a fucking mint right now". Or a damn spray of cheap cologne. Because that's fucking sexy. Going into a bathroom while you are at some gay ass bar and coming back out all of the sudden smelling like a gallon of pine trees. That's gonna get the chicks right there, man. The only reason I'd need a bathroom attendant would be if my hands were cut off and I couldn't get the soap myself...but then, I wouldn't even have hands to wash. See the problem? Bathroom attendants are not cool. NOT. COOL. Get rid of them, establishments, and maybe I'll give you some respect and stop jacking off in your bathrooms while no one is looking.